...

Hey, thanks Rob! Hope you're well xx

Diary,

What a week so far! Working in this heat is almost unbearable but needs must!

Only come back home yesterday (I'm still all over the place & am even considering a caravan at this rate so I can stay outside work lol) and shortly will be heading back out again. Its absolutely fantastic to drive in this weather!..... ?

Had to visit home as needed to go to the gym. I wish I could join in other parts of the country however don't think I could afford it..on the other hand, the petrol money to come back here might as well be used for gym membership in other town lol. ?..( ha! im not just a pretty face lol) 

Amazing session at the gym and am feeling refreshed! (Not for long mind you as drive awaits...air con is not working in my car ?). 

My rostas has been so mixed up for next month that I'm already dreading it as I will not know when is night or day...but, it's summer, people wants their time with kids and proper holiday I guess..

Infection has cleared, which is very good news and to top it off I also managed work all this week even if in pain! Go me! ?

No gambling thoughts today even if had some few days ago...riding the waves out..riding them out!

Already missed my girl as had to part with her last night (she is in safe hands & i wouldn't cart her around in this heat..it's so so dangerous for fur friends!) but will see her shortly before the shift..that little pat, that little cuddle! Love my lil bear so so much!

Nothing else to report..stay safe & cool all...have a good day!

Ta diary ❤

S&B xx

Hiya... good to read that your back in better head space and your keeping up with the gym. I will get back running soon, once this intense heat has passed.

Thoughts are with you... S.A 🙂

Thanks SA...I will be visiting your diary shortly xx

Diary,

Hottest day in UK has turned out to be also a shift from hell. Don't know where to start to express my feelings and am conscious this is not the right place for it but thoughts are truly not leaving me alone. ..hasn't all night..and I'm not sure where to turn if I'm honest.

Thinking about addictions today. Again, struggle to explain what feelings I have towards them. Power of that "drug of choice". And here we go -  " choice" has always been linked with addiction.  How powerful and strong it can be, yet we can own that power by simple choice. ..not as simple as it sounds huh...definitely not as simple.

Day off today. Woke up with one and only thought - have a peaceful evening in front of TV in company of lil bear ❤...already thoughts of isolation as you can see but I feel I definitely cannot do "socialising" today. ..too much on this mind...shock, saddness, a bit of anger (about general situation in this world) and hopelessness to the extent.

I am deffo on a rollercoaster...one day up - the other down. I am also aware that in order to get that balance, getting through the day is not enough. Some more work and actions to level this out is needed. 

No gambling at this moment.

S&B xx

It's been difficult day. No understanding from others dispite of me trying to reach out.

Feel failure. Don't feel good at all.

Dont want to lash out to in the only place I have so may I ask dear Admins kindly to suspend this account as I fear I may go off the tracks breaking the rules & etiquette again.

I see this diary as massive failure...yet I want to prevent it from being deleted (by me or admins) ...because that very same girl who started this journey..all kind, innocent, polite and supportive...deserves better...than this "animal" who have came alive over the years.

Please Admin, block me for now.

Sorry to read that you are planning on leaving the diaries for a while Sandra. I hope you are ok and things work out for you.

I havn't been straying much from my diary since relapsing at the end of June. I am just praying that the same thing doesn't happen again this month and I can go on to achieve a long period of gamble-free.

Take good care of yourself.

Stephen x 

I hope you will find some peace soon Sandra, it sounds like your in a difficult place right now. Remember your not alone, so many people support you and want to see you feeling better. 

I hope things get easier for you soon. 

Stacey

Hey Sandra

This is a bad day. It’s okay to have a bad day. Life is c**P sometimes. But it’s how we react. I have bad habits in this way usually involving alcohol and in the not too distant past gambling. Neither of these help, but at least I suppose with alcohol it’s not as expensive! In fact actually thinking about it gambling for me has been the most terrible addiction as a way to plug the pain and escape my problems. The consequences are devastating.

So what I am trying to say is that however down you feel don’t revert please to numbing yourself through gambling. I sometimes feel that I will never live a normal, peaceful happy life and that I will always find life difficult, but about the only thing I’ve learnt is that gambling has nearly pushed me over the edge. We are here for you S. Try and keep things in perspective.

Hiya.... your diary isn't a failure and your not a failure. Your diary is an honest account of your life with all its ups and downs, just like mine is. You were having a bad day.. that's all. Take good care as I try to do the same... S.A 🙂

Oh dear,...thanks all

Tiredness + depression + alcohol does not go together whatsoever and if I will not start making changes now, it's not gonna look good going forwards.

Yesterday night woke up with a start as work events few days ago caught up with me and gave a me a good shake. Dont think I ever had such real encounter in my sleep. Not good, maybe it's time to reach out for their mental support they offer.

Found old battered phone at home yesterday. Didn't think it works as I remember screen is damaged and sometimes it's not even light up. ...to my nosiness I did still try it and it was working! Figured that Gamblock is expired on it and so...I guess you know the history.  Signed up to possibly 5 different sites from Cyprus, Belgium and God knows what other country...few had tech issues so was not able to deposit...one, however, worked.

Around 6 hrs later ....I'm almost 4 figures down. 

I don't really feel a lot today. Woke up early hours to check bank balance.  It's there in black and white shouting at me " there is some more mess for you to sort out".

So presently I'm calm (numb is better word) but also very unsure where my life is heading. There is not much vision these circs given huh..this year is a massive struggle..I think the worst for my gambling "career" and mental wellbeing.

Well, as SA says...life goes on..Will go to the gym then cook meal as family is visiting.

Am I in fear of my future? Oh absolutely. Why I keep repeating same actions I do not know. Why I'm not reaching for more support..possibly peer to peer one...I do not know...am I in enough pain yet?

I'm also becoming aggressive when in drink. Massive bells ringing here. I'm a little surprised but also shocked that I wanted to smash the walls up yesterday after the gambling session. ..why do I do this to myself? 

I either accept proper help this time or continue on this path to hell. There is only one way it will lead me to and I honestly still believe I deserve better. ..but I need that help to start making changes.

S&B xx

Ps. Moderation works well ??

Hi Sandra , first time I’ve had a quick look at your diary, not being disrespectful but I simply don’t have the time yet to read it all.

you seem to have started this journey 6 years ago and judging by the last few posts it’s not getting any easier.could you give me a wee summary of the journey so far? Sorry to be cheeky.

Sandra I feel very sad reading about the difficulties you are having.

I always enjoy reading your posts as you show a great deal of understanding plus you have a lot of wisdom and knowledge about addiction, anxiety and ways of coping with stressful situations.

Unfortunately you seem to be unable or unwilling to put this knowledge and wisdom to good use. It seemed to spiral after your father made disparaging comments about gamblers which you seemed to take very personally. Your family are coming to see you tomorrow so maybe they will see that you are struggling and I can't help but wonder if it might not be in your best interests to open up to them that all is not well.

I do not understand your gambling on the old mobile phone because you made the same mistake several months ago so why did you leave yourself vulnerable to it happening again?

You are a wonderful lady, kind and compassionate so please stop treating yourself so cruelly. 

Your friends on the diaries are willing you on and I sincerely hope that you can stop this foolishness and concentrate on improving your quality of life.

From your concerned friend Stephen x 

Thanks both..apologies for upsetting you Stephen, you're right in what you say..I found myself in the spiral I struggle to get out..and I do not take my own advice and for some reason don't make changes...but it's coming because this existence has taken from me far more than I could give..I simply haven't got anything in my reserves...almost empty...and so I need to change my ways...and mindset.

Diary,

I had a good chat with sister. She expressed concerns about my isolation...I didn't even fight back..I agreed I am stuck. Over two years living out here away from family & friends just pushed me deeper in isolation. As much as i love peace and quiet..and my lil corner...this is not doing me good. I didn't manage to find one single friend in all this time and ...I guess...it says a lot about me...or the quietness of the area I live in.

I am contemplating a move. Move back closer to my sister and friends (I had few over there). I would also be a lot closer to work. I haven't decided yet if to sell up or rent this place out but I must admit...I can't do this to myself anymore. I put myself in this trap having a big great vision of new life...but my new life bit me back in the a**...

I tried..I tried with work transfer, I joined gym here...I do like the place and greenery but it is not working in my favour. I never thought I will become this lonely (mentally & physically). If not lil girl...I hate to think how I would be..could i be any worse?..or would I find more time to go out and socialise..maybe meetings...I don't know..it is what it is. 

Change is hard. I even tried to push back saying I survived the commutes for over a year (which is not exactly true...I struggle and last few weeks I always stay round hers on my set...as I cannot hack driving anymore..)..and so my transfer may come soon now if i wait a bit longer....but im very uncertain of it..

I had a good and relaxing day today. We had a Spa day as my gone bday present. It was good...I was able to relax and "socialise"a bit. It was good to spend time with sister...she is a good lady...most importantly ive seen life out there. ..something what i kept myself isolated from.

I also sent email out to work...in regards to some support. As soon as I hit the "send" button, my heart skipped a beat..I felt very vulnerable and all my life felt exposed....i even panicked thinking i sent it to the whole group so checked and double checked it went to the right recipient...And I believe it did..so here we go...I shall wait what happens next now. 

I keep having horrible stomach pains. Especially at night where i wake up in such pain I cannot move. I do take painkillers daily. I dont think it was the infection I thought of originally even if am still awaiting test results from GP. My sister immediately said it's stomach ulcer when I told her the symptoms..Dr GOOGLE provided the same answers so maybe I should go and see GP about it...it's been two weeks now...and it goes in waves..I think I'm better, next thing it's sharp pain in my stomach...esp after food or at night.

I asked to put this acc on moderation as I got quite angry the other day...and then I get angry I'm like hurricane saying silly stuff and then feeling sorry for saying it. ..so kind of preventing me and others from unnecessary upset if you like...yet, following this "anger" outburts i went and destroyed myself with slots...as you do...doesn't make sense I know..but what's done is done. I hurt myself this way and so i shall start repairing process of healing again..

Why I'm on GamCare this much? Because i have no life..lol..here, I said it. ..and that's one of the reasons I do need to get that life, find other disposals to my emotions and maybe find true 3D friends to talk to. ..or even family. 

I never said it lightly...I am all very alone. ..and when you're alone, you tend to lean on any little thing..it's good for you or not..you just hold on.

However, boundaries, respect, balance and positive vibes is all what this place is about and should be priority. Mutual support and understanding of one another...i lost my ways in these more than once and stepped over the mark...but i will try to get back on track with those.

I guess this is me. Bags almost packed for a week away for my work. 

I don't know if I finally hit that floor now.....rock bottom? Is it how it feels?..i feel like I did..recent events has truly pushed me to do something about my life and acceptance of stuff was a lead indicator to make that step forward...

Stay safe all,

Blessings

S&B xx

Hello Sandra just popped by to wish you a good week. 

I imagine the Spa Day you enjoyed with your sister was a lot of fun and relaxing. 

Sorry to read you are still getting pains in your tummy and hope you are soon feeling better.

Stephen x 

Thank you dear Stephen..

Unfortunately health is detoriating and I spent all day in hospital. ..I didn't do myself many favours recently and so it has taken over my physical health too now...sigh...

Gotta keep pushing on, minute at a time.

No gambling...no anger and No attitude issues..just strange calm..I guess to do with medication and maybe feeling beat by life..it was coming..deep down I knew it...

Hopefully some sleep awaits.

Stay safe all...please look after you. Gambling doesn't Only affect finances, loved ones and mental state...it adds big chunk to physical health too...take care

S&B xx