Time to let it all out in my dear old diary.
I have just been feeling so sore lately. Tender. As though everything is bruised.
I feel irritable and like I can't cope with much. I still have the body shame but not quite as bad. I went to the gym yesterday looking about 4 months pregnant but just swallowed my pride and said to myself "it's the only way it's going to change". I did 20 minutes of cardio but then I was just done in. Dripping with sweat, wet hair, and red as a tomato. I felt surprised at how unfit I was yesterday. I feel so ugly. The word disgusting keeps coming back. Haven't felt this bad in years in terms of body image.
I have the day off today and I've slept for 11 hours and now sitting on my sofa crying.
Hopefully I'll feel better for letting it out and having a cry, as I often do. Someone I like - not the boss, that shouldn't happen if I can avoid it - has asked if I want to go to a thing tonight and I would have said yes f I was feeling OK about myself but I feel grotesque. Really like a warthog or something. It makes me feel ashamed.
Now then diary,
Looks like im on "private"..no clue what all this is about but shall give it a go!
Life is on its terms..here im low here im just managing. No highs or something extraordinary. Sleeping like a bear in winter period. Not realising how much energy i must give away in a day or night so when sleeps comes - im out of count..but the q is...do i rest?..yup...don't think i do tbf as wake up as tired as i fell asleep lol.
Didnt gamble for almost 70 days now. Saying that, slipped into demos not long ago. Somehow laptop blocks failed me ?..gamban issues.
Loving my lil girl more by the day. I am sad to say that i take her round sister's more than usual now and leave her there for a few days due to the craziness of shifts..i must do 15hrs at the time...but at least i know she is safe..my lil angel...i love her so much!!!!
Gym is ticking along as before. Keeping my routine and wondering why i cannot have same commitment with my "bad habits". Food for thought there indeed. Going gym is not easy, i push myself through tears many days a month..but i do go..why? ..i guess results keeps me coming back. Whola! Simple answer huh..results of hard work. Same with not gambling i guess..we start seeing fruits of hard work ...
So all in all, im here & kicking! Adjusting to not so comfy long nails (o*g how to manage those!..plus spelling mistakes...and its not cause im no eeeennglish lol..its just impossible with these..you type one letter but another appears...i am almost giving up lol).
Last but not least. I want to send my biggest respect to the front line guys & gals...brothers, sisters, daughters, sons, fathers, mothers....friends.....
This song touched me deeply....esp words to the effect of " find something bigger than yourself and pour every ounce of you into it"...v close to higher power talk huh....
Anyway...stay safe all, keep commited to yoir journies and most importantly - love yourself as much as you love each other
Blessings
S&B xx
So further to the last...
...i happened to work with my "crush" for a few hours last night. Alongside all the jokes and laughs as we do in his company, we came accross real discussion of having each others back. So me, being a person i am , shouted out "i would have all of your backs!". And so my "crush" spinned round and said "you can have my back ay any time you like". Since im nooo eenglish, i didnt get the joke but when i saw others around me laughing and the "crush" smirking quite openly, i got the message of what "holding back" he means in his head! Called him few not so nice names whilst going tomato red in face! I have no more comments lol...why do their think with their other ends? Rbf i get this on daily basis as i work with males only..but cmon...seriously man!
Saying that...i cant complain hearing it from him ??
I love my "brothers"..truly do...they make me smile as much as they annoy me...go figure... love & hate = balance ?
Morning/afternoon diary,
Still on "private" and am not getting much responses from the team about this. It is what it is, i guess need to keep practicing patience.
Day off ahead and its a rainy one outside. Not really affecting me and a walk in the rain never hurt anyone. Not made of sugar so not gonna melt ?
Gym session is a short while. Figured i need to work on my legs more. Im obsessed with weights and if i say so myself, upper body is cut out almost perfect (there is no perfection in this world of course) however legs still looks tiny. Never been a fan for leg excersices apart from running but that takes weight off and not building muscles up. Squats i guess is the way forward and if i do it sometimes its nowhere near where i should be at this stage (active excercing for 10months).
Dads op closing in and yes i am worried. I know he is worried too. I have no opportunity to visit him during this testing time as the leave has been banned for the next few months. So i shall stay put, connect them over the phone as much as i can and pray for successful operation.
Slight urges to gamble yesterday but i didnt go for it. Still need to sort laptop issues out (gamban and all that).
Day 69 today. Would be good to get to the century again and keep building on that. I did few good runs with over a year on few occasions, i know im capable of the same.
Belief, determination, sound mind and listening ear will help me get there!
Much love & blessings all
S&B xx
Hi diary,
Moderation takes place twice a day and once at night..just thought i will put it out there as i think it has been skipped on my diary ?
So, since my halo got lost somewhere along the line...maybe back in 90's when that "man" put his hands on me or maybe just recently when i got enough of humanity. Who knows, all i know, im not a sin. I wonder how people changes in life. It still sends my jaw dropping to the floor not being able to understand all this philosophy. But its enough to look in the mirror and see this wonderful fit body...ahhh..hold on, lost my train of thought here...so, inner change that's what im on about. Is it life events or is it maturity (& maybe lack of it) forces us to perceive the world differently. Make different decisions (not so good sometimes) & possibly do something differently opposed to million previous times.
Reality is, we live and learn and accordingly we change. For better or the worse! Since i lost my halo i am in the latter group...(d**n!)
What if we wake up one day and everything just suddenly makes perfect sense? ..wishful thinking here. There are things which doesnt make such sense...like Brexit for example..what a load of turf huh...but, politics aside huh.
So many people in the world so little interaction and connection. Why? Maybe these screens we are all staring at? Yeah, i guess so. What happened to the youngsters these days?knife in a pocket and face high on drugs...yeah, because that's what being cool is all about huh. Well, actually no! Being cool is living fullfilling life. Scratches on knees from climbing that tree or tired legs from hide & seek games with your pals. Not forgetting the development of "life" by building doll house or a tent and learning about responibilities (barbie has to dress and put food on the table not forgetting the daily hairdo. And Ken of course with his Ferrari car and looking all smart ready for his work in conference suite.
Ever thought how child's imagination and development effects their futures?
The only ASB used to be being slightly loud when darkness falls and counting that last minute you can stay out before your mum calls ypu back in home.
Now...teenagers trash places, are disrespectful and quite frankly goes missing for that dirty place to stay at over night..if that...mostly its the outside "comfort".
World has changed massively. I have no sympathy anymore either. The generations are on a spiral down to hell...mark my word. ..help for society is necessary.
Now...finished my lecture about life really. Went to the gym with intention of some leg work...i did well..whole 1 excersice for it lol..before i knew it i was loading those weights on the pole and going for it. So..arms/chest/ back done...legs remains old good skinny sticks lol..maybe tomorrow? ?
You got to keep hope!
S&B xx
Ohh..more to the last...did you see on the news feed about those protesters dancing around the broccoli in London?
What the fresh hell is that? Is it where the generation going now. Its not enough to paint a cabbage on the banner to express that you choose to eat cabbage leaves or a trash bin you chuck rubbish in..a tree to express healthy environment...but no, lets dress so weird the eye sockets pops out and dance around tbe broccoli pretending it is armed and is almost a terminator!!.
Seriously...surprises keeps on coming. Well done technology and this day and age.
??..more thoughts on a way i guess..
Was thinking about my counsellors tonight. Had a few during my time on here....
Can't remember first one's name which is truly embarrassing as she helped me loads...i remember her reaching for my hand and saying "trust me"..she has taken me down the forest..very calm.place to be. It was practicing mindfulness i believe..i remember she liked sunflowers...and i rememeber on my last session, going up town early..requesting that bouquet ..and making sure it has flowers...sunflowers in it. It was embarrassing to get that bouquet out of the car...it took all the space..and then the receptionist seing it first...god...but it was worth it. The eyes on my counsellors face said it all... i remember saying " sunflowers for you"...it was good memory in my heart, still is...
And then it was XXX. She helped me loads too. Mainly with getting over my breakdown ...where my best friendship fell apart. It was hard going..still is to the extent..but im moving on..one step forward, two steps back...still looking ahead.
When it was XXX...one of the best ones really..those affirmations kept me my job...seriously..every morning, put those confidence positive affirmations on for my travels and I'm ready for the day ahead...life saviours indeed.
And XXX, the team leader who told me back in Jan " Sandra, try and push through at least till March, see how you get on"..i did..all the way to almost November...thank YOU. Things does get better even if not perfect...and also thanks for the suggestion of the gym..almost 10months girl...how is that for commitment ?
Thoughtful tonight..maybe..cause im about to embark yet another new journey..fingers crossed...
G'night all
God bless
S&B xx
Ps..my girl is my prime energy for life..now & always...❤?❤..my Bella..my life
Afternoon diary,
Never been good with maths and looks like im struggling to add two months together. Looks like its day 60 today and not 70. Ha! I shall take it anyway! Massive wobble last night but resisted fireing laptop even for demos escape..progress..maybe..cannot give myself that much credit just yet.
So woke up and made my way to the bathroom to freshen up this beautiful face when realised i am struggling to lift my arms up. No scooby doo what have i done to them but have a feeling gym is something to do with it. Tried few new lifting techniques and so believe those extra weights are responsible for my ache today!
Dont know if will manage another session today and already thinking of a lazy day in...very appealing indeed ??
I worked on my rest days for the past few months. Not all rest days but one shift takes a day and a half off for sure. This week i managed to say no no matter how much i need that extra cash. I just need to recover fully. We cannot earn all money on earth!
Another rainy one today. My girl keeps making me laugh as she is not keen on rain. When we go out, she does walk beside me however she wouldn't go out in the garden. Last night ive seen her getting a bit uncomfortable and walking the corners of the house. I opened the door for her to go in the garden however as soon as she spotted rain, she stepped back in. Now is the funny part..if i put shoes on and walk with her to the grass bit in the garden, she will follow and do her business! Else she wont go on her own..seriously! What a baby! So i walked around 3 times yesterday evening and she was a good girl each time. This morning we went out for proper walk and i guess she just wanted the comfort of the car but since i had an idea just to walk her round the block and not take her to flooded field, she gave me the most sorry look ever. You would think she is made of sugar! Bless her lil paws!
I guess thats it from me..still on "private" as i see and so....let the forum gurus to sorr it out ?
Blessings
S&B xx
My maths are appalling indeed. Not sure why my brain stopped functioning (too much alcohol that is) but with the help of all mighty calculator - i am 72 days free! Yay! Will definitely take that.
As planned, staying in today. Fought urge to go to the gym..so far succsessful. Body truly aches after yesterday. Maybe a hot, relaxing bath can put me in higher spirits physically & emotionally.
Sounds like a good plan if i say so myself ??
Lots of progress on many different fronts, as you say. Gym helps me A LOT! It's hard when physical illness means it's not available.
Wonder what this new journey is, eh? I am intrigued!
f x
Hello Sandra.
Hope you and your four legged friend are happy and well.
I have just listened to a music link you posted on someone's diary and was most impressed: "Song Of The Caged Bird" by Lindsey Stirling. Excellent song.
Take good care of yourself and don't get up to too much mischief.
Stephen x
I lost it today. I knew i will. I knew my ugly head will rear up. I can't control it. I dont know who i am.
I am very angry at times. Very angry . Why and since when? I don't recognise me being like this before.
I have few ideas to explain it...but i cant due to confidentiality. I just don't know who i am anymore.
..and this is scary,..why...because this is out of control.
Nobody gets me...thats really a massive issue.
No gambling...i guess we should celebrate here.
...S&B
Hiya 🙂
Just been reading your last few entries. I thinks your doing mighty fine.
By the way. I have a pathetic pair of arms but decent legs, so lets do a swap. You can have my furry legs and I can have your muscular arms. Perfection! 🙂
Good stuff on your fitness regime, maybe not so much work (?)... money not everything.
Woof to your 4 legged friend.
Cheers... S.A 😉
Hi & thanks all,
Ha SA! Swap it is then. You seen pics of those "guns" and they're not even photoshopped lol..and not even from Popeye series ?. I am up for a trade as soon as you complete all that shaving bussiness..i know its winter time and all that but dont think i could do with prickly stuff under my armour ?
Thanks for the drop by and hope all is well with yourself.
Ahh, Stephen! Thanks for the message. Yeah, that song is awesome isn't it. Lindsey Stirling is quite talented artist dont you think, i find her music relaxing and also inspiring.
And Freda...what are you on about hun? New chapter? Im writing and re writing my old good tired book deleting some pages or overwriting them. Messy i know..but maybe one day it will reach the last page with happy ending ?. On the other, serious note, i may start new counselling. Mainly need to focus on anger management as i am becoming like a bull in China shop recently.
Diary! Still aching all over and arms feels as useless as my old self altogether lol. I will go gym today as thats my routine. Not sure what i will do with upper body but as they say..no pain no gain. On a positive - it shows that whatever i do is still effective and muscles are still expanding (get me and my high terms here lol).
Woke up with right head banger this morning. Still not fully cleared even after 2 cups of Joe. Looked at the watch in the kitchen and immediately thought - dohh..will need to check time on the phone in the morning so i dont be late for work. ..and then i thought, i need a new battery as looking at my phone will do my head in since i leave it laying around a lot not knowing where i seen it last lol...and then i looked at my phone and realised that is showing different time also..d'oh! It took me good 10 mins to put 2 & 2 together. We moved clocks last night didn't we! Result - an extra hour lay in tomorrow (not a fan of 3am get ups!!) ..but accordingly an hour late finish..not so cool really...
So this morning i took my girl to the park. I usually do it in evenings but this morning i thought i provide her with full freedom! She absolutely loved it! And it actually gave me a lot of good emotions too seeing her happy. She has an amazing smile when she laughs...its truly heart warming to see her running wild and free and so happy! By baby girl...i love her sooo much!
So...my 3 day bender stops today. Im very stoopid when have a drink. I am becoming aggressive too..all paper soldering and all that but still not acceptable and so i need to address this behaviour. Its creeping back up (the amount i consume) & so its no good for my mental & physical health ?..and everyone around me.
This is me for now...gym, bath, early night...& trying to tackle the world and the challenges it brings!
No gambling.
Peace out
S&B xx
Ps. what a beautiful profile pic! look at that lil angelic face 🙂 ..and thats when she had her both ears...awweeee..gorgeous girl!
First time on my laptop for this site and it's ever so weird to type! Almost reminds me keyboard at work lol. and yes, i am a keyboard warrior then with updates and stories after stories (often dublicates as i call them) i need to type up. Why this feels so different? Spooky indeed.
I was thinking earlier how daft a person can get having ban lifted after a month and getting herself straight on moderation. ..seriously, couldn't make this stuff up. Im deffo not a full ticket. Should be ashamed indeed.
Right, lets hit that gym me thinks. Still feel a bit fragile following those few last night but hopefully 10k will wake me up. watch that FB space SA lol lol
Laters all xx
*still can't believe how beautiful she looks on here..... xx
S & B
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