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Evening diary,

As promised to myself (& SA), 10k run swiftly completed under 50mins mark...well...49mins 54secs to be precise but ya know, have to keep reaching for those finer goals. Didnt find it very difficult however had a challenge with those arms today again...on 2hrs mark in the place i hardly walked let alone  skipped along. Still in pain but now know which excersice "kills"them off. Yes, did it again but all is good, i will have two days off gym now due to work commitments. 

Was and still am quite sad today. Not sure if its coming down with cold or basically still in the grips of hangover but i feel really sad...saddo...yes...cannot say it enough lol.

Had a cry and a chat on netline of course. Never had such one way street in chat and never been dropped out of call the second i said thank you for the time..lol..its usually me ending the chat so found it strange but can i blame anyone?..no...i have become "needy" over my time here  & that came following isolation..yes, that is it. I store everything inside for weeks if not months and when get a chance to talk to Someone - i cannot stop. Im like a lion let out of cage for a day out, thats how it feels really!

I don't know what to do with myself. Im petrified of a change..maybe cause i reached for it so many times and only went half way through before retracing my steps back to safety...my safety zone. I dont believe i can change for the better. Recently i have proven im deteriorating really. My anger is over the roof.......in "real" life i will pat and support human being, maybe even advise on some stuff and i will also hold others together to the best of my ability  however as soon as i have my own space - boom..all comes out..anger, dissapointment, beating myself up and basically being a b****h. I am always very tired even if i sleep like a bear..i guess the commutes takes at least 35% of my daily reserves..add 10hrs (if lucky) shifts on top and im just a nervous/ snappy wreck.

So here i am..angry at myself for being this needy and lonely..crying silent tears and just hoping things will get easier as time goes by. I know i can be better than this, i just lost that important piece - self respect & fire for life...adventures, unknown... i losy curiosity of it all.

G'night all good souls, blessings

S&B xx

Ah diary..what a day..

Missed quite important call (at least i think it is v important) earlier today. ..but how can ya take a call while the hell breaks lose around you? Timing was out of this world and even if i noticed the notification on my wrist watch (with vibrating sensation...btw i swear that watch is gonna electrocute me one day!) and phone buzzing in my pocket ...i was walking (ok ok..running) with a purpose. Next time i had a chance to check the v/mail it was already after 6pm..bahhhh...(the call came in at 12...)

I remember still having time to think to myself (how selfish) that this call is for my wellbeing...for ME. ..but first things first huh...and they're not me..

Was a bit of a boo day if i say so myself. Wasn't in a mood but on the same note i had few good laugh outbursts with my colleagues...cackling ....os it how ya call it??..yes...gotta admit it was full belly laughs lol

Left for work in a dark...came back in a dark...heart broke once again when i pulled up on my drive and saw that ear & a half looking down on me from upstairs window ?..she was waiting for me...bless her heart. She usually sends me off to work with a nod from upstairs but i think this was second time when i saw her waiting on my return..how long has she sat there?...it honestly breaks my heart...she is such a good girl and everything was as i left it..i missed her a lot around midday...to the extent i nearly left work so i can come back..but i can't just drop and run...

We had a good & refreshing walk...bellies full...half hour of ball/ chase game also complete..

I, again think im a bad owner. Gonna try and call sister to ask if so she can take her in tomorrow...

Very tired so not gonna do anyones head in tonight (whoop whoop party breaks out at GamCare lol).

Day 74 i think. Survived...still going.

Blessings all

S&B xx

Another bad day with capital B!  Was chucked under the bus on few occasions but gritted my teeth and got on with it.

Typical scenario  -missed important call again lol...through tears..however this time before i sat back in a car to go back  to the office i decided to ring the number. Caught me in 3 mins of good mood (not sure where that came from..must be soothing voice at the other end of call) and sorted stuff out ready to go next week...looking forward to it.

Got back in the office.  Knew i have to type up million of reports..did around 70% and decided enough is enough. 15 mins before shift ending i logged out of computer..hung what i had to hung back and was about to dash through the door when colleague said " did boss let us go then?". I said i dunno but watch the door closing behind me..thats how bad of a day i had. Didnt care much for those last 15 minutes..reached my limit..it was enough. If today means i have to face the boss on the "red rug" tomorrow...let it be..never been there so i guess there is first for everything. Besides the colleague who commented on this is on that same "rug" on daily basis lol...doubt i have much to worry about here!

Then 2.5 hrs unecessary journey followed..traffic after traffic..sworn, cried, prayed..almost honked at other commuters but managed to get back home in one piece and a little calmer now!

Hungry..yes..last time i had food was 03:30....am..a bowl of porridge ?. Fridge a bit on a empty side so hay ho..not much choice.

One positive is a lay in tomorrow..saying lay in - will attempt to be up at 0700 so i can get to the gym before work..maybe wishful thinking...maybe..will see!

Having a glass now (getting into bad habit indeed) but truly  just need to CHILL!

Laters diary, stay safe all!

S&B xx

And you both must stay safe.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Best x

S&B, 

Forget the Gym. Get some rest. That sounds like a super stressful day. Take it easy as much as possible. 

I hope tommorow is a better day for you. 

Drama x

Thanks Bal & Drama,

@drama, i did post on your diary last week i think, not sure if you seen it due to posts arriving in delayed manner. Appreciate your kind thoughts, keep up good work!

Diary,

More decent sleep even if was up at 0300 (mental alarm clock i guess). Had a scare when woke up cause Bella was on bed but tangled in sheets. The thing with her is ...she is like a mole..she moves, digs and absolutely loves to wrap herself in the sheets (like a baby!) Because she loves loves loves warmth..not so good thing is that she managed to get inside the sheet and lost her way out...so here is me at silly o'clock in the morning trying to untangle her from the sheets and she almost panicking cause can't find the way out!..looking like a ghost you see on tv with white sheet over its head ???....crazy indeed but all is good ??

Up as planned, managed gym session even if it was a struggle..not much cardio today but since i charge straight to weights bit now..i must of exhaused myself for the run...

Thought about work most of the night and decided to check what's going on with my workload this morning..daft decision indeed lol..sure there was a list of things to do! On top of that, a email from another shifts boss pointing out i supposed to complete something. Replied with all the due respect and outlined what i was commited with yesterday and how no chance in the world that stuff could of been completed yesterday. Did say it is on my list and i also lost few hours sleep thinking about it last night.....it was respectful email..at least i think so however got a reply..this is not a criticism..just a reminder..

Bahh...all the smiley faces made their way through the net me saying at no point i taken it as criticism....lol..did i?..i dont think i did. If someone else finalised it without looking into it and deffo knowing its my job to complete it...i cannot comment much more. Feel a bit thrown under another bus just now...but...let's breathe!!!!

Off to work shortly..a bit tired but had some food at least!

Have a good day all, stay safe, sound and at peace!

S&B xx

I dunno what your job is, mate - but it sounds stressful AF! 

Is it worth it?

Please try to take care of yourself - even if that is just carrying a few nuts in your pocket or a cereal bar. Your body will not put up with this forever. Two women I work with, have been working 220 days straight without a day off. Both ended up in hospital. Different ailments and both safe and well now, but overworking I think definitely played it's part. 

No job is worth that.

f x

Hi Freda..

My job is nothing special..it's just all about managing stress levels & quick (right)decision making.

Every job comes with responsibility, accountability and decision making. Every job carries a level of risk and every job requires alertness and concentration amd of course dedication. 

Stacking shelves or teaching, or social services, management, customer service or public sector brings level of challenges with them . I found that mental state and support around you can impact any role positively or negatively.

I always been a solo player really every job i had. Yes, team player also but i usually keep myself to myself. Get on with what i have to do...important part missing here is that the team around you is your core strength, the strong base to keep building on to.

My job extremely falls down to the trust of my colleagues. 100%. I am still on the process to aknowledge that since im used to carry the world on my shoulders and looking after my own risk assessments. This approach is quite wrong. As they say and its so true - there is no I in the team.

Yesterday was tough one again. Not sure why this set is so pressing. Worked away from my "base"..yes, few challenges indeed.

What warmed my heart was that i was about to head back to my town when my team colleague phoned me and asked if im coming back "home"...ha..yes, i said. Im just about to hit the road. I was 15mins late off my shift but it was touching for someone else to care. He said he is concerned for my commute back home later on (i guess my rant about the traffic the other day travelled round the building lol)  ...and i said no worries..will be ok. I also finished the converse with "thank you for caring"..well, this was touchy feely indeed and we dont really show much emotion within the team..but here we go...it made me smile really.

Come back to the base and was greeted by night shift staff saying "they missed you so mich they stayed on to see if you ok"..for a second i thought he is telling the thruth but when walked in, the building was empty ?...then the staff said - " only joking..they dashed off as soon as clock striked finish time...lol...ya know, i shall forgive them ? i would do the same..and in fact i did the same before. We have enough of our own stuff to deal with.

So another day living the dream. A bit tired but its expected. Mentally drained as there is so much paperwork to do this set..i still didnt get grips with it all and i still ask many questions.. we live, learn and progress, the mantra of life.

No gambling.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Cannot concentrate today. It was another shift in hell last night. Something i will rememeber for the rest of my life. I was talking about responsibility yesterday and man...didn't it bite me back in the backside! 

Sleepless night (early morning) and just in limbo so far today. Procrastinating gym like crazy today. Not sure why. Head is all over the place even if i spoke to few people in the last 11hrs.

Not very good head space. Shall i go for a nap before work or shall i head to the gym to let me clear this head?  

What helped....lil "land seal" ..my gorgeous girl...she must sense stuff as she put a paw on my shoulder and rested her head on another....priceless moments like that are God send.

No gambling (by some miracle)..day 78...keep on pushing. Running away is not a solution..not a long term one anyway.

Kind Regards,

Stay safe,

S&B xx

So after around 7 rounds of inner fight decided to go to the gym after all..great..now not only emotionally exhausted but also physically drained...stick & stones...let's keep on pushing..

Good song reflecting my feelings today ??

https://youtu.be/ybcSTO8vjhA

hey, well done, mate. As long as you are not pushing that body to exhaustion!

Fx

Hiya,

I enjoyed it when i use to be a gym junky.... ya just gotta find time to rest and do nothing as well. Get in touch with one's existential loneliness and give it the too fingered salute!

Take no notice of me.. I haven't had any sleep 🙂

Thanks Freda & SA,

Day 79. Ok...it's not as bad as my mind tells me.

Very tired and also moody. Broke my heart to draw the curtains closed to the rising sun this morning..but i had to sleep...i couldn't stay up any longer.

Dont like darkness..its just depresses me more.

Thinking a lot today. Esp why i find myself in this position. ..good  job and prosperous future if i keep the position, roof over the head, good physical health, lovely 4 legged companion, ....

And yet im so so lonely. Soooo lonely it hurts. What is wrong with me? Im at the bottom mentally and so no material stuff will drag me up. Life and its strikes sometimes huh.

Another shift to get through. I am almost dead from this set. Stuff keeps on coming...nation please give me a break...i beg you from my heart..

S&B xx

Well that's the root cause of all addictions don't you think and why we should all be practising mindfulness? Every human being has to come to terms with there own inner loneliness. As addicts our locus of control is outside of ourselves, we look to escape from ourselves, whether that's through mind numbing gambling or any other activity that takes us away from our core self and who we really are... which is a surprisingly long list of activities. Essentially I am alone but it doesn't feel painful anymore. Ive felt like iv'e been on the edge of a breakthrough for some months now. Psychologically I feel ready to break the habit its just crossing that final hurdle and developing more healthy habits like practising mindfulness.

Day 79... your doing mighty fine! 🙂

Thank you again for your thoughts SA. Alone & lonely are very different things. Most times i feel both...and sometimes...as yoi say, i find that happy middle to be in my own company and be ok with that..i guess its similar to relapses with gambling..my mind relapse also and that's when i struggle to accept important things regarding my inner self...I AM enough.

Dear diary,

Emerging to days off. Been very tough week and finished it with high of what my job is about...stressful and demanding..but high netherless. 

Was eating complete rubbish last few nights and Mc D's was the place to be. Eh..that is ok also, i needed something to recharge me physically. 

No gym today (act of slef care). ..will go tomorrow as today shall be a rest day..saying that - cleaning, washing and so on awaits..

Taken little one out earlier and had a nice walk. ..little things makes this heart smile. I may not experience the emotions of belonging in human company however my dog is very close to providing that to me...silent....yes, but company netherless.

No gambling. 

Stay safe all

S&B xx