...

Ohhhh....I just noticed my arms are  so bruised. Great....being at the gym and sporting these shiners, perfect  for a lady ??

..but its part of the job huh...these rescue missions etc....just two days ago I was knee deep down in the water and now these beauties. ..you can cry or laugh, but maybe that's  why I like what I do...variety is jaw dropping  ?

***all for the other's  good ...right.....

Good morning  world! 

Hope you all slept peacefully  and calm.

Today actually  marks 100 days for me (yeepeee!!) And so I shall continue  with this journey..

A song came on earlier on and I sangmy lungs out..lol...for some reason  very fitting!

https://youtu.be/b7k0a5hYnSI

Your welcome  & goodnight  from  us

S&B xx

Sooo..im a bit sad/angry and frustrated. 

It's my sis. 

Hasn't spat the golden words of "lend me some money " yet and I do dread it but see it coming  but can't  help but feel really frustrated. Not cause I'm tight to help sis out...no...but, she does not change  her ways! It's all spend spend spend.. brands, self care,  ...etc...

Yes, I am  CG so how come I am in green with paying  bills on time...saving a bit each month? Yes, I have no clothes and I don't do self care and I don't  eat somewhere  I deep down know I cannot afford..  my past actions  came with a price! Price I pay now and have few more years to do so.  I accepted it,so why cannot she?

She asked me few days bk how to get on the budget  and I'm not a bright  spark...no,..I just said she needs to let few comfort  things go...yet another  loan is not gonna help because  she just continues  to dig deeper hole ....which eventually  she will get lost in herself...nooooo...she won't  change her ways because all classy life is easy to give up right!!

I helped boy with work over this summer. Pretty good wage for16 year old  and he did well with attendance  and hard graft.. yet,..mirror mirror. ..there is zero responsibility for his hard earned...Mr Gucci/Armani just sp***ked all the wages away in a blink of an eye...its quite sad to see.  ..just no respect  for money. ..typical mummy's  boy.

Sigh,  I'm sad and angry...every action  has a reaction. Money just does not grow on trees..the pennies you borrow,  you have to pay back even more. Its not a fairytale  we are living!

I can lend her money but I'm hesitant because she won't  change. Bleed me dry and will be bk on that hamster wheel once again...besides, she still owes me hundreds from last year!

I'm a terrible  person..I gamble and I have no responsibility..but I somehow  bloody make ends meet! I give up stuff....ithink ahead, I plan so I won't end up I the gutter.i grit my teeth and work more hours to achieve  this...I know I'm not out of it yet..and will not be for a few years but I want to scream and shout at her to get her s** together!..yes it's difficult...nothing is easy but if you won't  start doing  something  different,  don't  expect  the same outcome over and over again..

Sigh...rant over ?

S&B xx

Hiya, I hear what you say.

I don't think am ever gonna have the problem of one of my sisters coming to me for money lol

I think we are quite similar in the sense that when we are not gambling we are good with money.. budget etc

Sounds like your sister has her own addiction problems. Finding someone without any addictive traits isn't that easy anymore. Prob best not to lend her any money... easier said than done.

Hope ya avin good weekend.. S.A x

Hi SA,...

Yup, I felt a bit of argument coming and we had a bit of a disagreement  this morning.  When she got off on one why I'm still in bed at 11 am and I said I could sleep forever  to catch up with my rest. I was awake by 9:30 really but I keep having these episodes of having zero energy to get up. I can easily fall back to sleep...its like I'm awake but in some sort of coma ?.

She then went on about her plans of purchases etc...by which point I have switched off tbf. When there is nothing  else to say, I just keep quiet.

By this time I would of offered myself  but I'm keeping  my ground. She senses that. It's not nice feeling  for me cause I want to help but putting money in empty sack which just never fills, ....just maybe I reached my limit now.

A thought  did cross my mind last night just to transfer all I have because quite simply, money does not bring you happiness  (my case exactly) I looked across to lil one and she is my lifeline. I will look after  her for as long as I can...she deserves  happy days for her.

My weekend...hmm.. back to work ? my days off are extremely  short lived!

Take care and speak soon dear friend.

No gambling  for me!

S&B xx

People rarely ask me for money loans, I think they know not to bother. It is hard to deal with the tantrums, when you stop lending people money but they soon get used to it, if you stand firm. Sounds like you have a good awareness that it's wasting money rather than genuine need. I'm the same, if someone wants money to party, they are barking up the wrong tree.

f x

The only people that ever ask me for money are other compulsive gamblers and its usually a tenna to buy food or so they say.

I haven't asked for money for years, though occasionally I have accepted a little something when offered. That's probably what your sister wanted... for you to "offer" your hard earned pennies. Its easy to take when its put on a plate. You kept quiet you did the right thing.

Days off always feel very short lived in my experience! 

S.A x

Thank you Freda and SA,

Relationship  continues  on same path, even if she is not coming  forward, I am keeping  on high alert so to speak. Or maybe I am wrong here and she genuinely  too ashamed to ask for more? ...im  not sure.feel like guilt tripping  myself here ?

Eh, today is sad day even if sun  is out in full glory! Gotta go to the meeting  regarding  sad news few months back but I'm trying  to keep my cool. Worried "after " emotions  as last time I went to similar,  I gambled my head off as a result! Cannot allow it to happen today and so must stay very vigilant  re my emotions. Couple  more days at work and have a week off. ...no plans in place, gotta keep budget intact. ..but just maybe need to go to the shore as been ages now, so fresh sea may assist with my depression. Booked the massage for next week so self care sorted for the rest of the Year ?..progress  not perfection huh

Stay safe all - my best wishes 

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Gosh time flies huh!!!

Should be in bed but still up and kicking as they say.

Had a situation  with work few days bk now which kinda affected me and still cannot rest proper but ...being rewarded compensation  will make it all better ...lol...well, it will financially  but not mentally and whatever  it brought to my life.

I'm alive and going, and that's the most important  thing. Had few doubts about job but it is what it is I guess...I start to accept  the s**t I'm dished out.

Truly don't  know where days are going.  Lost track by now...again...strange feeling  this, when autopilot  kicks in..I like it I a way...get into the rhythm ?...

No gambling  - thank you lord! Had more important worries on this mind past few days...but again, all...seems in order! ..and another  day to face later on

Over & out!

G'night  diary

S&Bxx

Hi D,

Putting an entry just for the sake of it I think...

No gambling.  Thank you Lord!

The situation from another  day still lingers around and affecting  me mentally.  One of those things...Boss of a boss of a boss wants me to keep updating  him so he knows if any more help can be put in place. The thing is - there isn't...but at least everything I spend on "recovery" will be paid back. ..which is good to know.

Not out of the woods yet so just staying  alerted.

Can tell that you're getting  older when getting new hoover ?..oh my, I didn't  have this much fun in ages!what an amazing  piece of cleaning  equipment!! It's almost an orgasm to get such satisfaction  from cleaning..lol....told ya, I'm old! 

Slowed down on gym completely.  Went today and it was a bit bahhhhhh...just not up to it.

Well, that's me...maybe do another  round of hoovering ?

Later!

S&B xx

Yes, ya also know your getting older when you get more excited about a bargain in a charity shop or a tasty pork chop than lusting after someone half one's age lol

Happy hoovering!! 😉

Contentment in the little things, is a very strong place to be, S!

Long may it continue.

f x

Thank you SA & Freda...hope you're both well...

I'm a bit all over the place truth to be told. Something  what was out of my control  (or was it? Could I of acted differently?) is leaving its print on my life and most importantly  affecting  little one's too..?

Some things affects me physically  and some mentally/emotionally. This time is the latter and if not the job - I wouldn't  be where I am today! 

I am on high alert and so it makes lil one a bit unsettled  too. For the first time since I have her - she almost attacked  me last night. She would of if not my quick  reaction. Can't blame her, as I said, I think I transferred  that sort of jitterness over. I didn't sleep well last night and neither did she and when I half asleep placed hand over her head - it triggered her with massive roar and attack. Just an inch from my face. I may be wrong, maybe she was deep asleep and I proper scared her...I dunno but for a second  she was not the baby I know. She would of have my face there and then....sigh...

She knows I care for her and will continue  to do so. What seems not so long ago....I carried her downstairs  to stay there for a week to give her comfort  with pulled leg/ muscle. Would do it again in a heartbeat.  Not scared of her....no...but last night also made me realise  that animal's  reflex  is what it is - animal's  reflex no matter how much you know your pet. I always said I would not even leave chihuahua  with a baby...not even a cat...animal is animal  at the end of the day...

Anyhooo..its a bit poo days off. On the edge to say the least. My days consist of sleep, taking lil one out,  gym, clean (extra), food, TV...sleep....and so I go every day. Work is doing my head in with demands  and stuff and yes...my fault for taking work home but I like to have peace of mind knowing  I did what I have to do..even if im on days off...just want it perfect  I guess...perfect  does not exist huh..

So...3 days on a trot in a gym.  Feel it today ...poo weather outdoors  so why not actually...something  to do.

Not sure how  I feel but it's not right. I'm stressed,  I'm on the edge. Sigh...

No gambling  tho.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Money does not buy you happiness. Deep down I always known that but for some reason money is still one of those things in life huh. 

Got paid rather large amount and don't think I've seen bank balance this healthy in a long while,  however it just made me feel more sadder than before. Made me think of my life's  purpose.  If not money when what is it?

Just went and changed  tires on my car...safety is necessary esp when I'm zooming up & down fast roads. This however  still didn't  lift my mood up. I just came back from 2hrs long walk with lil lady and still feel down in the dumpster. Not sure why I keep feeling  this way. 

Can't  be doing  with the gym either.  Why oh why I feel like this?

It was strange to  socialise  a bit today. On my journeys  with lil one. Everyone seem to notice her strong appearance.  So many said that she is "solid" whatever  that means.. I guess strong and muscly..my giant soft bear. One person (I hardly recognised) also approached  with words of "wow, how big she is now! I remember  seeing her as a pup"....well, I didn't bring her to my world  till she was 3 years old but guess she is a bit more fatter & "solid" now as she was when we first met..

She is my everything.  Every penny in the world. She is my life - purpose. 

S&B xx

Hiya... I think your doing mighty fine. 🙂

Remember that we live in a crazy world where money is given great value but brings no real meaning to people's lives. Money just creates division in society. A world of have's and have not's. It creates selfishness and violence and goes completely against the grain of what humans really need which is connection and community. The love you have for your dog has so much more value than the figure's in your bank account.

However we all have to live within the system.  Without this thing called money we can't function and many people will still say, that the more money you have the happier you are. I think the sad reality is that up to a point this is true. If your living pay check to pay check which I currently am, am constantly worrying about money and how to pay for this, that and the other and then one's quality of life and health is diminished... cue gambling addiction. However I think that once you reach a stage where your not living pay check to pay check, then the value of having "even more money" diminishes rapidly, hence the saying... "you can still be lonely in your castle". Trouble is though, once sick with the addiction, how much is ever enough??.... that's why we can't gamble

It also makes me think of this new tax they are bringing in to pay for the NHS and supposedly social care. What does this enormous organisation do?... it cares for the sick and the dying...  that's what it does. Ask the question... Why are so many people getting sick and dying if we supposedly live in such a well functioning free and happy society. In reality we actually live in a very sick society in which most people don't realise how sick it really is. Money really is the root of all evil. We are being terribly exploited by the few.

But on a lighter note ,you enjoy having a bit extra, use it to enhance your life and give yourself a bit of security. It helps you not if you give it straight back.

End of ramble

Hugs.. S.A x