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Hi SA,

Thank you for your thoughts/ ramble ?

I agree re new NI rise and it does rise many  questions. I think its clear that  government  messed up with empty promises of comfortable  pay rise for the organisation and us,common folk are left to fork out the rest of "promises"...from our pocket.

Umm,unless hospitals turns into palaces with the highest technology & skill to help/save lives, I'm not buying  in these rises. Where will the money go? I would expect  to see rapid developments  but for some reason it's like blowing  into the wind  in my view.

We have few hospitals within  the county where patient is not taken there ( 5miles away) and rather taken to hospital  50 miles away because that hospital is donor hospital...ultimately  meaning patient is going  to their death bed there. Why is this? Why some hospitals  are funded more and others not? Where the money pot is being  distributed  and why  the difference? Why to keep hospital running  if there are no qualified doctors/surgeons to assist with critical  cases? In my opinion,  shut it down then cause why to keep funds running  to the place which does not assist the sick? ....or, a A&E which is open 8-5 ?..ya what? In other words - don't get sick after 5pm huh...that's just ridiculous!

MH is extremely high now, following  the pandemic...yet all you see is patient  being passed like a baton between  establishments and nobody wants to take responsibility.  Why is that? Is it cause they cannot cope anymore with numbers  or because its the tradition which been settled in for years and years? 

Funding NHS and care homes. . ..cannot help but wonder if government  knows something  we old good Joe public  doesn't.  Are they expecting  complications following jabs to shot through  the roof...somewhere  down the line? I think they're  preparing  for something big...and that is concerning really. 

Anyway...that's  my ramble.

Was not so good day yesterday  but 12+hrs sleep gave me a bit of energy.  I think plenty of fresh air yesterday truly helped. For me and lil one as we slept soundly! Besides, my treat of massage the other day released muscle pain a bit also so maybe good session at the gym awaits.. o*g .. to be fair it was anxious time as I simply hate being touched! And since it was full body massage, I wanted to do a runner as soon as therapist moved from back to legs...brrr...supposed to be relaxing  experience  huh...but not for me really. Still, it's done and I'm a bit better physically  following  it. 

Had urges last night, unsuccessful tried to connect on live chat but I rode them out and came out winning - no gambling. 

Regarding  money,  put some in savings account  which I haven't  done in years! So may e mental progress! House needs doing  up and that will require  some £k.  ...Best continue  saving and work towards an uplift for this place!

Over and out now...stay safe all

S&B xx

120 days in few hours  time. Won't gamble today as work is calling calling shortly.

Awful day yesterday  and without going  into details, I told bosses to f  o**. Not exactly  words said but my facial expressions  can talk million words sometimes.  Was almost walking  out to be honest. 

Today woke up half dead. Truly struggled.  No gym and no desire even to have a wash. (Need to..I know). 

I slowly loosing myself as a person. I know the reason why but am wayyyy too weak to tackle that issue. I am weak and its time to ait it. No need to spread anger when the only person I'm angry at is myself...anyway,  it's a story for another day.

Glad I'm staying  safe from this harmful stuff. That would deffo tip me over. I read Duncs diary this morning and him saying that he no longer has suicidal thoughts almost made me cry. I would trade a lit to have that more positive  feeling  back. But it is what it is, of one won't help themselves,  nobody will...everything  must start  from within. 

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Its not just me losing my s**t at work then. I feel better now!! 😉 

Jolly good on gamble free time x

Sandra

 I am sorry I haven’t been around the forum and equally sorry to read of your struggles with what life throws your way. Fair play for speaking out, it’s an act of courage and I respect and understand that keeping it bottled up is simply not the answer.

 I have been encouraged greatly by an ever growing platform within the hospitality industry I have spent my adult life working in called the burnt chef project, it’s led by a desire to end the stigma of mental health and is working to better the conditions often that are expected to be worked within. I believe that the circumstances of the pandemic and how things changed as a result have provided a platform for an opportunity to create change, to offer support and help rather than pick up the carpet and sweep problems under it.

keep making decisions that will offer you choice, well done for saving some of your hard earned 

make plans for your future, for me the greatest gift I can give to my life is purpose.

Take care, be kind to yourself 

just for today 

Duncs 

Hi SA and Duncs,

Thank you for your kind posts. Duncs, no need to apologise  for anything! You very rightly are living  your life and moving forward  embracing  the unknown! My hat off to you Sir....

I am just going the same hamster wheel as I did so many years ago..not gambling  but just round and round with my life. Its definitely  difficult  to break the cycle.

"Make decisions  what offer you choice"..Great words and very inspiring..recently  I fail to see choices  and its either black or white for me. I know there is more to acknowledge  and try ..but. there is always "but" in my head.

Everyone  seems to be ramping  mental health issues now which is good to see. My place is similar but they have a "catch" which truly deters us from reaching  out. At the end of the day, job may be compromised.  Very wrong but that's how it is. 

Just few days ago, we sort of counselled each other with colleagues.  Sometimes  it's the best option because we know what we're going  through.  ..but when there is nothing  at home to basically  even give you a hug when you need it..or when demons shows up unannounced,  it can be a rapid drop within. Dangerous drop. I guess that's  my issue. 

Yet, I am here and continuing forward.  Good and bad days...they do merge into something special sometimes...where thoughts  balances each other successfully. 

Anyhoo..back to work. 

Take care and stay safe

 S&B xx

Hi diary,

Ahh...tired man! It's gonna be a challenge  to get over to October as its pretty busy shedule  with work. Overstretched  a bit as was not able to say NO so paying  a price with shifts all over...who cares if I'm still a human being  huh...let's shuffle shifts all over.

Last weeks (or 2 now) situation  is still affecting  me and my home! Grrrr...help should come soon but I'm loosing  my patience  really.

Following  my ever so honest chat with boss and telling them (yup..2 of them) to f***f returned a message from MH rep asking for to meet up...told them to f***f too...Guess I'm loosing  it a bit but I don't  think anyone  can understand  the grief I'm going  through!..yes....the same grief from quite few months ago now. I remember  him daily. ...

On a positive...had a date the other day! Whoop whoop! Was so excited I forgot  I had a date ?..Mr tinder man I spoken to for good 4 years finally  got to meet me and I couldn't  be bothered  really..what make up and what classy clothes? Nahhh...same old me with jeans, converse and top. Can't be doing  dating s**t really. Disappointed  me as ...well...we should work together  (as in profession) even if we are on different  sides of the coin,...he appeared very anti of what I do...and so we fought lol...words battle and reasoning  why we do what we do and why they don't what they suppose to...good afternoon  spent in nature is the only outcome  of this. I am as uninterested  as ever but..hey...cmon,  progress  made at least for me making  that step ...right!

So that's  me...ahh, sis asked what I'm gonna spend all OT money on and I said "saving" in case of emergency...shot myself in the foot here really as I'm 100% sure her thought process  is " fine, I think I can spend as I do cause my lil sis got emergencies  covered if something ".?..no word of a lie, I know her this well!

That's  me.

Over & out

S&B xx

Hi diary,

I've been on here for 8 years and strangely  today I feel disappointed  for such "milestone ". I remember  joining....extremely  vulnerable  and shy person. Very sensitive  to stuff...to words, comments...what others think. Very unsure  of my place here or the world. Very caring and supportive.  Very helpful  and understanding. 

Now...a lot of water has passed since then. I am still vulnerable but also very detached.  Strong is not the word really...I am different.  I am more abrupt and "fighty". I'm more angry, sad and disappointed.  I'm not as compassionate as before. I guess I just grew out of my sheep coating and became almost a wolf. I am not a wolf...I am a dog as some said...lol...in between the good & bad in society. I am not a bad person, I know that. After all I'm helping  people just in  Very different  way than before.  Some like me, some hate me, some are scared of me and some sees me as a lifeline. ...

The same soul remains regardless.  I still struggle  with my life and this addiction.  ..more addictions  on top over the years but that's how my life goes. You either reach for help and recover putting all your passion and strength  to it, or you simply believe  you're "better than you think" and deal with things yourself.  Now, the latter is taking me nowhere...its evident to see...but as years goes by, it is becoming  more difficult  to accept defeat.

I am shaped as I am today following  the path of my life. Abuse and neglect at early age, rapes and sexual assaults which followed. Life's  ups and downs, friendships  which collapsed (all of them) and my mindset which changed accordingly.  I've went through so much in life I honestly struggle  to separate  reality from illusion  now. People can be absolutely  .......... but there are good souls out there too. ..very few as I notice walking  my path. 

Point  of this post is that I'm constantly  changing  as a human being. The more bizarre or traumatic  things I see, the more I am moving away from good things in life. My understanding  and belief  changes accordingly.  My manners, behaviour  and responses to life. Sometimes  it's unmanageable...those are scary times.

But ultimately,  I manage what I can...I pass part of my life to "luck" or guardian angels who keeps protecting me from the worst...change is difficult  to make, I mean, really big change to turn the path to other direction..maybe not as pressing to this soul...maybe need to start with forgiveness..to myself and others. ..that is not an easy fix, I filled the rucksack over the years, it's heavy to carry but I still go on.

I just wonder when is the right time I accept defeat and stop fighting  against myself?

No gambling. 

S&B xx

Sometimes it seem impossible to stop fighting against ourselves. We carry our wounds with us until we are able to heal them and let them go... never an easy process. We just keep trucking along... not that there are many truckers about at the moment! 

Your a survivor. Your doing ok.

Hugs ((( ))) x

❤ as ok as one can be. 

Xx

I can relate to a lot that you describe. 

For me, when you've been through so much and someone is unkind in a thoughtless way, it can create the "straw that broke the camel's back" feelings. It's not that they have done anything particularly awful, it's just the last straw. You've put up and dealt with so much stuff, that your spirit is completely burned out. 

When I have my rational head on, I can see that this is also a bit daunting to other people, to realise how incredibly vulnerable and fragile we feel. So it creates more rejection - when in reality, we deserve that love and care. It's just people don't know if they are up to the challenge of dealing with this troubled soul.

I don't know how to heal from it. I thought I had. Well, at least enough to cope with life - but sometimes I feel right back at square one, full of rage and pain and loneliness.

Anyway, maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree but I wonder if this is similar to some of the stuff that goes on inside of you?

I wish I could bring you the magic antidote. Once I'd had a dose first.

Take care,

f x

Hi Freda,

Yes , terminology  of straw breaking  camel's  back is truly how I felt for a good while. I use the term "dripping water". It means exactly  the same because even the slightest drop can be the one that breaks already shaky frame of mind...

I'm as ok as I can be. Battling  through  every single day. 

Yesterday  wasn't  very good day. Came out bruised and quite mentally shook up. Even had night terrors ..very bad dreams which surprised me as I don't usually get them this bad...

Today is another day. Just managed quick session at the gym. My hand is a little mess...so not much I could do with weights. Annoying...but it is what it is. Everything  heals with time.

I'm under 5k of debt! This is massive achievement  as just a year and a half ago I was looking at over 10k. That stressed me out big time, but now I actually  see it decreasing  which gives me a bit of relief.

I wanted to go to the seaside but am 100% sure I would go into arcades...just have no strength  to fight this precise  battle..so best stay put and safe at home.

Doing  crazy hours at work...already 50 on the clock and I don't  see the end till Saturday. Things are going quite bad and desperation  is not a word! Taking like 3 ppls  jobs on and yup...that cup is most definitely  filling up now!

Take care & be safe

S&B xx

Nearing 150 days...good progress in my humble opinion. 

Things are very much the same as it was now good few years ago. I'm trying to escape my current work situation however  as time passes by, it becomes almost impossible...but,I for one know that  anything is possible,  I guess im just at the stage  of "who gives a d**n...". As much as I want change, I don't believe  I have it in me to make that turn.

I'm not jumping  to desperate  harmful  conclusions  no more...thankfully. as much as I see pain, anger,  disappointment  and never ending desperation  in others - I don't want to check out. Not anymore. I shall struggle  through  this life, after all, I have my best companion  by my side...the one who never betrayed  me and always stayed loyal on good and bad.. I shall not betray her either.

Had some time off the roller coaster  but jumping  back on the wagon again. Days off seems to fly...I don't help myself either. Few days ago got so smashed that cannot remember  anything  for that day...ahhh, sinking  heart when I dropped the plate full of good cooked meal on the floor. Don't think I ever felt so let down...went without  I must add...

Anyway,  gym is on top notch...im there most  of my time off and ehen I get a chance. Body  is in good shape! You wouldn't  believe it knowing  my shift patterns & harmful  stuff I self inflict when off work. ?...maybe I am a iron woman after all !

Stay safe all

S&B xx

It's brilliant that you are finding more balance and are seeing progress with debts!

I'm enjoying fitness too but taking lots of chances to be lazy as well. 

I don't have much to say, really! ha

f x

Ha, f..balance...my a*** really. Have no balance in my pitiful life.

Diary, guess you can tell that I'm not in the greatest of shapes. Do I see these things coming? I am not sure myself...something  nagging was there last few weeks, like a red flags and then strong gut feeling  of something  bad happening.  I guess I just put a brave face on and carry on, push push push...and then just break down.

This is what I'm experiencing now. No mask on my face e to say all is brilliant.  Happened  to drive myself into sorry a** place. Can't function.  Can't go to gym or work. Not good place to be. May e a bit frightening  too.

But I've been there before right. It's me...the iron woman who "heals" herself and gives it yet another go. Maybe not yet on this occasion  but we have to wait and see.

Active with demo slots...tut tut...another slippery slope...and yet I have zero energy to pull myself back up. I want to cry saying  this but I have no emotions left.

Sigh

....

Hi diary,

I thought  its 150 days today but my clock shows 151. Extra day in the bag and I shall take it!

Urges has increased  last few days as well as my sleep cycle got very outta sync. Usually  its lights out before midnight on days off but last two nights I sat up till 3am. ..and slept till 1pm accordingly  ?

Thought a lot about everything  really. Guess had a lot of time on my hands past week and still am as confused as I was all long about how to make any sort of change and bounce back. Like live at least a bit normal  life. For me normal  is at least one friend, at least one plan, at least one shopping  trip and to feel like a human again. For many this is norm so I guess just shows how isolated I have become.

On a positive.  I told myself NO today and didn't go to the gym. Enough  is enough  and 4 days in a row may be too much and need to allow muscles to rest. There was a time when I huffed & puffed of the thought  of the gym and now I'm almost first in line day in day out! ..addictive I suppose  ?..rings a bell huh...

I also cooked new things this week. Comes at a price I must add and even if I went for cheaper  options, price list does add up accordingly.  To top it off and what is definitely unheard about me ---- I baked yesterday! I know, unbelievable! All I needed is a little apron and hooray, here is your perfect  housewife ?

Ok, so these are highlights I guess...I was advised  once on here to try cooking/baking so thank you...broke my days out a little...and proved that I'm capable  of this too!

MH is not perfect.  Was it ever? Does it have to be? ? I thinking  now that many people struggle to the extent.  How they deal with it is the key! If you allow your mind to take over (for the wrong reasons) it can persuade  your logical brain side to act on something  what is not exactly  healthy. Thats where distractions and talking talking talking comes in. Two heads are better than one in every life's  situation  and I guess its what I find hard with me. I don't  talk. ..not even on here anylonger. How many minutes  a day person has to interact  with others to maintain healthy MH? Ohh, what a question  this is! How long person can survive  in their own mind feeding it the same trash day in day out? 

I have spoken to a person who allegedly didn't go out or meet people for 6months. That was tough, esp when the mind is filled with PTSD. That is extremely  tough. Ended up with hugs because, oh man didn't  they need it! And the appreciation was visible  to all. A hug is also a powerful tool to help the hurting.  Definitely  is.

I guess all these just shows how important  it is to talk, go out,do stuff,share,laugh, interact  because sometimes...very little is needed to turn one's day upside down.

What was it for me to speak up today? A short chat on netline which left me a bit more optimistic and positive. So thank you, that's  all one needs even if not face to face.

Stay safe all, stay g free

S&B xx