...

Thank you D, hope you're  well.

I cannot say this is impacting the recovery as such but on the other hand, recovery is part of my life so everything is connected.  

I contacted yourselves  yesterday but as you reminded per above, its not exactly gambling based and so I struggled to talk or express myself.

Gambling  surprisingly is away from my thoughts  bearing in mind how I hurt emotionally. But I also kept busy with other things, sister and stuff, travelling up & down the county assisting as much as I can. Almost done my fences now too so guess this time was spent wisely. Slowly getting  back to gym routine also. ..and then work shortly also even if I was advised to go to GP and take time off. Do not want to do that so shall see how I cope  being back. 

On the outside it appears reality is returning  to my life. On the inside, it still hurts a bit but, you know...I am only human. Yesterday  I had a breakthrough,  not sure how to explain it by I managed to let massive chunk of pain go. It was powerful. 

Well, ok, that's me. Need to start the day with walkies and then just go with a flow.

Xx

Managing life as best you can.

That's all any of us can do.

Enjoy the day! ? x

Thanks SA,

My clock on here says 354 days without slots so I did a bit of my poor maths calculations and a year anniversary  is not exactly the same as my year g free. Then it dawned on me that I did gamble more a week after finding  out news about my boss...so...OK, maybe it will not be on the same day..maybe made me feel a bit better as I had mixed emotions  regarding  it.

Anyhow, slept a bit bahhh last night. Guess bits of stress thinking  about work is surfacing  again. Just have to ride them out.

I'm still thinking  about recent  tragedy. Noticed they published vigil on tv news yesterday.  Suppose community was pretty shook up as ....us the closer ones to heart. 

I'm still sad, angry and occasionally really devastated. World  can be unbelievably  dark place but what can we, humans do?..yup, just carry on, step by step, learn to live again, learn to live without, learn to be kinder to ourselves and others around us. 

That's me this sunny day. Back to the sunny corner with my thoughts.  Maybe a prayer won't go a miss.

Xx

Hiya... I honestly believe we come here to earth to be "challenged" which then aids are spiritual and soul evolution. Putin I believe was always destined to play the bad guy and maybe I was always destined to have an addiction. But like as you suggest, we learn to carry on regardless, be kind to others and kind to ourselves.

Returning to the sunny corner 🙂 x

Indeed SA, thank you...

Slept so bad last night  it's unreal. Turned and twisted till 5am, noticing lil one was struggling  to settle down too. What was a huge comfort is her laying  her head on my neck. She sometimes  does that and the gentle breaths and beating  heart nearby truly calms me down.

Woke up at 8am...and thought...shoot!!! I am knackered.  Went bk for power nap, dreamt absolute horror and woke up 10am with headache  and feeling  bahhh...that's why I don't do naps! 

Not sure If being bk to work does me many favours. I struggle  and ...I think I need to accept that most probably I need to change my path, not sure I can bounce bk this time. Decisions...Decisions.

Difficult  day tomorrow but I am almost riding these waves on daily occurance now so sure will not be any different  this time.

No nasty habit concerns.(albeit big urges at 3am this morn).

Xx

360 days! 

Been there few times and guess have tighter blocks to keep carrying  on this time. ..and slightly different  mindset.  Still, only one wrong decision  away so keeping  myself monitored. 

This year really concentrating and investing in the garden.  It's lovely place to sit out and enjoy  sunshine. It's becoming  my office to recharge...

Work is a bit up & down but it is what it is..as long as I keep making  an appearance I will somehow push through. 

Trying  to  motivate myself for the gym but must admit  I struggle.  Maybe a kick in the backside  is needed huh..

Financially I'm a lot more stable.  Guess not gambling  shows the sweet fruits in that respect. Stopped doing overtime completely purely to look after my emotional  wellbeing  and spend more time with little one. I guess that also shows that I am managing  finances as I should. May long it continue. 

Xx

So...

My glory days are over.

Therapist triggered  something in me today. I know he didn't  mean to, but my messed up head feels even more messed up.

I travelled  to other town for some shopping...needed clothes and so on.

Walked past many bookies. Succumbed.

I only been in such establishment once yonks ago. Today I walked past in embarrassment. But on a way back from shops I immediately  had an urge. Sheepishly  walked I and taken first machine I seen and which was closer to the exit so I don't wonder around in establishment.  Spent there maybe an hour (time flies) withdrawing cash from machine just next to me. Was offered drink twice. Perosn came to sit next by and lit a cigarette,  made me bolk. I am sure you cannot smoke indoors. Felt like I am in a proper neglected  P**s up place..it even stank a lil....

Not sure if lady working  there tried to see if I came there to gamble for escape or fun. It wasn't  fun. ..nor it was an escape. I just itched the healed wound. 

Not sure whats  next.

...

Sooo....

Child in me is scared and disappointed.  Feeling worthless and beaten to the ground. She is terrified really. Parents in me wants to give the child a good hiding and telling  off, confirming  how disappointed she is .

Adult in me....well, I shall go with the adult as she sees what's happening  from both alter egos. Adult is a rational  part in me and critical mindset not gonna help in this occasion. 

Ok,..so it happened  and you relapsed. Did it break the bank? No. Did you try to find more establishments/ ways to gamble following  this trip? No.

What can you do to avoid  reoccurrence? Practically,  self exculde yourself or don't  wonder into establishments  if happen to be out and about. You are not outgoing  person so I don't  see you travelling  somewhere just for this anyway  but you must learn and practise  these vulnerable times when you actually  do leave your comfortable "nest" and head out to outside  world. Practise  resilience  and clarity. 

One blip is not the end of the world. The end of the world is when you lose sense completely.  You remember  that feeling.  You know how long it takes to pay the debt off, you know the feelings and desperation. I don't  need to remind  you where these choices may lead you. You know perfectly well  how it affects you mentally,  financially  and emotionally. 

You just started to take steps in learning  to love yourself  and your house. You did an amazing  job so far, well done!!. You also recovered  financially  and even if its not easy esp in this day and age, i am impressed  with your skills and determination. I think you are strong  and resilient. You don't like to give up and you're a fighter.  It's wonderful  quality  to have. You are also a lot more aware about yourself because you learned from life so much already.  You're  smart. Truly are and that's why I know that your intentions are positive. I also know that you're not perfect and mistakes do take place. Show me the perfect  person  huh...I think I would like to meet them! You're  human with emotions and vulnerabilities...use those to your advantage,  accept them as they are, you're not a robot.

All I want to say is be kinder to yourself.  You tripped and fell, you are only bruised and with the qualities  above - you will bounce back once again. What we need to concentrate and focus on, is for you not getting into that desperate and awful place you have been few years ago. Being in that place is not healthy,  you rob yourself  from the future you so desperately trying  to build and enjoy.

You're  doing really well kiddo...keep making the right  choices,  I am here, next to you and will do my best to protect  you from harm you may want to inflict on yourself.  We are a team, we will work together, I I here to support you all the way.

Now, go and enjoy  your day.

Xx

Nice going yesterday! I'm pleased you accepted  the reality and focused on good things in life.

Writing  in third person may read a bit strange and awkward but I didn't realise how powerful  actually  it can be. It makes one not to feel as alone and this "clarity" voice provides reassurance and reconsideration.  It is almost as bouncing  thoughts of one another,  self counselling if you wish. My self critic is ready to drag vulnerable  side of me down and I believe that adult self is providing rational suggestions in thought process here...and so, as we all say, we do what helps us.

So kiddo, as I said, you did great yesterday.  Exercised,  seen a friend, cooked and chilled in front of tv. You did not allow self pitting nor retracted into isolation hole. This alone is progress. 

I understand that tipping toes into the past and digging  that buried box up once again caused you a bit of a wobble. It's natural but what I also seen, you immediately placed the boxes away explaining therapist  that you already processed  these and gained understanding regarding  those. This is also a massive  step forward,  you are not dwelling  on your past. I also think a but self forgiveness  and letting  go occurred regarding  your best friend you no longer have by your side. Yeah, it may of taken quite few years for this precise wound to heal but you are doing it. You are moving  on, better slowly than never! 

Yes, not very thoughtful  decision  followed  regarding  the blip but I now think it was more curiosity for you to feel that sort of excitement after a long time. Its OK because these things happens.  The most important  part is - you did not break yourself down going out of control  and loosing  it all (yourself  included) and also, you wanted to get out of establishment as it just felt wrong place to be at. I  am over the moon for you for walking  away! & not coming back. 

Today is another day, another experience  and another chance to make it count. 

Being  kind to oneself is massive leap in opening  that door for possibilities and self education.  Love it, keep it up.

One day at a time

Xx

I figured out addiction/compulsion! Yay....taken me all 10 years lol..

Right, ...what gives human being a uplift/buzz? Excitement? Energy? Upped heart rate? .

Yup ..many things, such as excerice,  s*x, drinking,  drugs, gambling,  even reading or knitting! Watching your fav show on TV can also give that sense.

So all along I got it all wrong..well, partially  maybe. If I felt sad or lonely,  I turned to gambling.  What for? For the uplift/buzz! To make me feel better...very temporary to say the least...

Things is, all these good emotions  are temporary and I suppose  we tend to want them to last. But high emotions are not made to last if it makes sense. High and low are absolutely  normal  and has to run its course.  It's what we do about not so ecstatic lows huh..

Balance and meeting  in the middle is the healthy option but reaching  it can be difficult.  But life is for learning  and understanding  yourself. 

I read a good quote  not long ago..maybe not related to gambling  but something  what I neglected  all my life.

"If you want a friend in your life, - be one"...man didn't it set this mind going ?...

We are all so smart people,  so knowledgeable and so unique,  yet we fail to apply  these qualities  to our daily lives. But I think it's a slow progress  as we tend to learn....from mistakes.

Back to my corner  for more brainstorming  ?

Hi diary,

Would of been 367 days if not my £40 slip last week. Its a drop in the ocean comparing with how much more it could of been but still..hurts a lil.

Stopped treatment as figured there is nothing  out there what can help me. Only I can help myself.  Besides with the knowledge  I have in the field, I guess I could make a good therapist myself. It's good to have knowledge but putting it down to practice  is a struggle for many.

I guess all we can do, is continue  to try to be better than we are. Not perfect,  but better people.

X

Hiya... interesting to read your thoughts about addiction/compulsion. I think for me I get more excited about the idea of gambling and day dreaming about big wins than anything else. Once I have decided to gamble, I start to get excited, raised heart rate etc. I then go into a sort of tunnel vision where all that matters is to gamble to the point where I want to push people out the way so i can... "get to gambling!" I lose all patience within myself and towards others. If I am on a bus to go gamble and the bus gets stuck in traffic I feel so frustrated and P****d off.

Once I am actually gambling I then go into another rollercoaster of emotions... a brief high when I strike lucky and then sometimes my heart rate goes even higher when I start to lose and as I enter panick mode as I desparately try to win my money back. I once overheard somebody watching me gamble and he says to his mate... "Am surprised he doesn't have a heart attack with how he is gambling".... and he was right. When zoned out in the gambling bubble, my emotional state, my heart rate is just all over the place. Basically my heart is under high levels of stress the whole time. Eventual a level of fatigue enters the equation and i quite literally become exhausted (if its been a long session) and I become mentally tired and drained. Its at that point that I have been known to just gamble all available funds away, cos I just want it to end... I want the gambling session to end and the only way to end it is to have no money to gamble with. I just want to go home and sleep and feel sorry for myself.

I think its good to remind ourselves of how the whole gambling thing goes.... so thanks for your thoughts.

We are all a work in progress. I think you are doing mighty fine. Glad to hear that your slip didn't develope into something more catastrophic.

Am sure you'd make a very good therapist.

Enjoy rest of your day 🙂 xx

Hi

Yes it is enlighteneing interesting to read other peoples thoughts about addiction/compulsion.

Yes starting to get excited, raised heart rate was very much adrenlaine based for me.

Often risk taking was nto just about gambling but also risk taking driving and other things.

The higher the risk the bigger the buzz, yet sadly the higher teh buzz the more I am putting mysef at risk.

Me wanting to push people out the way was unhealthy.

Yes I lost all patience and tolerance within myself and towards others it indicated less caring and less respect in myself.

You feel so frustrated and P****d off that was the rage of your hurt onner child who enver healed from the pains of the past.

The high and lows of rollercoaster of emotions were not happiness at all but were adrenaline rushes.

Our success is not about being lucky being succesful is about our healthy actions and our healthy words.

The whole gambling thing is was about escaping in my fears and not facing myself. 

Yes we are all a work in progress, yet our rate of success is all up to us, how much do we want it today.

How much time and energy as we willing to invest in to our self.

To take every unhealthy habits and exchange them it to healthy habits.

 A good therapist is some one who has found healing and peace with them self.

There have been many people on different occasions who would not beleive that I was not a therapist.

Only when I got intimate with myself could I get intimate with other people.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Thanks SA and Dave,

Yes, the sudden need for buzz (urge) can be challenging as then decisions has to take place. What we do with them is ultimately our choice. Blocks and self understanding/ resistance /knowledge/inner strength provides us with the outcome.  Unfortunately  for me, walking away becomes very difficult but definitely doable. 

Right, not much to say on the subject as I did not have strong urge to deal with this week.

Can hardly  walk today and body is in so much pain. Paid a visit to the gym yesterday after a week of disappearing (work commitments) and guess worked them muscles a bit too much lol. Didn't feel at the time however today is a different story. Will rest today as doubt gym would be of any use with these aches.

Still working on the garden and it starts to look a decent place! A lot of hours gone in for this and still a lot to do but hoping to have a full picture  maybe  July time. It costs also so need to stay focused on how much I'm spending.  

Saying that, time for walkies and carrying on with garden before it starts raining 

Xx

Hi diary,

Guess jinxed weather yesterday  as as soon as I started work in the garden  it started raining.  Off to the gym I went as alternative! Cannot possibly  comment  how this jelly body operates today ?..deffo day off today sun or rain lol.

Well, it appears to be sunny so I am continuing with the outdoor DIY. 

As much as I am mole in a hole and don't like leave my place, I still need to move and do stuff. The day I allow myself  to just sit and do nothing will be the day I probably  physically  ill or something. 

Last week I was stuck in the office  and let me tell ya, 2k steps a day is truly  agonising.  In the end I started just walking  round the office or went in the car park to stretch  and get some steps in. Session at the gym wjen I had an opportunity  brought me to 16k steps ...so ya see the difference! 

Wobbling  a bit financially  but, I see how purchasing  stuff that actually  looks nice and brings joy, outweighs the financial  difficulties  when money is purposely  lost in establishments ?

Back to the garden...stay safe all

Xx