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Hi diary,

Would of been 367 days if not my £40 slip last week. Its a drop in the ocean comparing with how much more it could of been but still..hurts a lil.

Stopped treatment as figured there is nothing  out there what can help me. Only I can help myself.  Besides with the knowledge  I have in the field, I guess I could make a good therapist myself. It's good to have knowledge but putting it down to practice  is a struggle for many.

I guess all we can do, is continue  to try to be better than we are. Not perfect,  but better people.

X

Hiya... interesting to read your thoughts about addiction/compulsion. I think for me I get more excited about the idea of gambling and day dreaming about big wins than anything else. Once I have decided to gamble, I start to get excited, raised heart rate etc. I then go into a sort of tunnel vision where all that matters is to gamble to the point where I want to push people out the way so i can... "get to gambling!" I lose all patience within myself and towards others. If I am on a bus to go gamble and the bus gets stuck in traffic I feel so frustrated and P****d off.

Once I am actually gambling I then go into another rollercoaster of emotions... a brief high when I strike lucky and then sometimes my heart rate goes even higher when I start to lose and as I enter panick mode as I desparately try to win my money back. I once overheard somebody watching me gamble and he says to his mate... "Am surprised he doesn't have a heart attack with how he is gambling".... and he was right. When zoned out in the gambling bubble, my emotional state, my heart rate is just all over the place. Basically my heart is under high levels of stress the whole time. Eventual a level of fatigue enters the equation and i quite literally become exhausted (if its been a long session) and I become mentally tired and drained. Its at that point that I have been known to just gamble all available funds away, cos I just want it to end... I want the gambling session to end and the only way to end it is to have no money to gamble with. I just want to go home and sleep and feel sorry for myself.

I think its good to remind ourselves of how the whole gambling thing goes.... so thanks for your thoughts.

We are all a work in progress. I think you are doing mighty fine. Glad to hear that your slip didn't develope into something more catastrophic.

Am sure you'd make a very good therapist.

Enjoy rest of your day 🙂 xx

Thanks SA and Dave,

Yes, the sudden need for buzz (urge) can be challenging as then decisions has to take place. What we do with them is ultimately our choice. Blocks and self understanding/ resistance /knowledge/inner strength provides us with the outcome.  Unfortunately  for me, walking away becomes very difficult but definitely doable. 

Right, not much to say on the subject as I did not have strong urge to deal with this week.

Can hardly  walk today and body is in so much pain. Paid a visit to the gym yesterday after a week of disappearing (work commitments) and guess worked them muscles a bit too much lol. Didn't feel at the time however today is a different story. Will rest today as doubt gym would be of any use with these aches.

Still working on the garden and it starts to look a decent place! A lot of hours gone in for this and still a lot to do but hoping to have a full picture  maybe  July time. It costs also so need to stay focused on how much I'm spending.  

Saying that, time for walkies and carrying on with garden before it starts raining 

Xx

Hi diary,

Guess jinxed weather yesterday  as as soon as I started work in the garden  it started raining.  Off to the gym I went as alternative! Cannot possibly  comment  how this jelly body operates today ?..deffo day off today sun or rain lol.

Well, it appears to be sunny so I am continuing with the outdoor DIY. 

As much as I am mole in a hole and don't like leave my place, I still need to move and do stuff. The day I allow myself  to just sit and do nothing will be the day I probably  physically  ill or something. 

Last week I was stuck in the office  and let me tell ya, 2k steps a day is truly  agonising.  In the end I started just walking  round the office or went in the car park to stretch  and get some steps in. Session at the gym wjen I had an opportunity  brought me to 16k steps ...so ya see the difference! 

Wobbling  a bit financially  but, I see how purchasing  stuff that actually  looks nice and brings joy, outweighs the financial  difficulties  when money is purposely  lost in establishments ?

Back to the garden...stay safe all

Xx

Hi San,

Next sunny day get in the garden, keep digging, keep searching. If we stop searching for solutions, accept addiction & tell ourselves this is it as far as life is concerned what have we got left ?. It's like an abusive partner, awful, uncomplimentary with the ability to convince us that we can't live without it. There's so much more to life if we keep believing & refuse to be a victim. You're a miss on the chat.

Best Wishes

AL

Hey Al,

Thanks for the message, always good to hear from you. Do miss chats myself I must admit but have to serve the sentence for behaviour I used to display. 

Tried to get some gardening done yesterday but felt more like a rabbit dipping in and out of shelter every time it started to rain. In the end gave up and put tv on as weather was tricking me into believing that sun will show up and skies will clear. 

But, today is another day....I will try to finish what I've started.

I like your thoughts on gambling compared to toxic relationship. It's exactly what it is. Pretend love and compassion which is just a sabotage eventually. 

It's difficult  and sometimes  terrifying  to leave such setting even if we know deep down how damaging  it is for our overall  health.

I'm glad you are walking  the walk dear Al. Its good to see how much you have picked up over the time in aiding you to understand  what recovery  offers. Keep on keeping  on & winning  for real!

Xx

Hi diary,

My thoughts  are about how interesting  life's  ups and downs are. With age comes wisdom  with wisdom comes  sea of emotions  and daily challenges.  

I talked to someone  about a fear of flying.  However my last flight was sitting  next to small child who expressed  very different emotions  and even excitement  regarding  the experience.  This made me think how age and wisdom along the way also brings fears in us. ..experiences...good or bad...all comes with time and we start applying  that knowledge/emotions  for situations.

I guess all i try to say...the less you know...the less you have to worry about...haha..how true is that??? Seriously,  just how true....

I am slowly  recovering  from work related injury. I may as well go for a slow walk on the treadmill..since I'm up on both feet again...we hurt and we heal accordingly. We get stronger...

Life is indeed full of surprises  and hope.

Stay safe all

X

Soo...I still did not sleep since this last post. 

One reason or another..a bit going  on.

I can tell how my mind is tricking  me now, strange stuff...

Just want to say.. if you have a dear one...friends are usually  closest to heart to talk stuff through,  keep them close...ask if they are ok...twice...no..  maybe 5 times so you get through  to the deep.

Listen, encourage,  allow to it all spill out.

My emotions  runs riot since early 7th June...I want it to stop but I have no such power...maybe I shouldn't  stop  it, it means heart to me...for very strange  reason...maybe I should let it talk in their own way..

Stay safe all

Xx

Dear SB28,

Thank you for sharing how you have been over the past few days

You have mentioned about not sleeping and struggling with some emotions.

This makes me concerned about your wellbeing... I wonder if you would talk with your GP about your lack of sleep, or contacting Samaritans on 116 123 for when you are struggling with emotions, so you have someone to speak to.

Wishing you all the best,

Tommy

Forum Admin

Dear Tommy,

Thank you. There is no reason to be concerned.  Its not if I laid in bed turning  and tossing not being able to sleep...no, I had to be in places, work and etc...

I finally  drifted off this morning.  I am up now and just need to try and reschedule  my timetable  (sleep again I mean...). Its late already. 

It's been emotional last few days. Many tears but also hugs and comfort.  I only thought  how much I miss my friends. I never had many in my life. I have none now. I just miss what I had I guess...that little what counts the most in life.

My thoughts  are about life and how many birthdays  I attended and celebrated.  Now I see how many funerals  I am at...such a sad turn... It hurts. .again, from the post few days ago...age & wisdom...we pick up stuff along the way.

It is what is is. I keep accumulating  trauma and pain. I can soak it in,  I know I can and I'm doing  it. I want to help others. I shall take the pain if it leaves other a but lighter. I was born for this. 

No gambling  concerns.  I am here and breathing.  What a gift to have. Looking  at the sunset with gratitude. 

Stay safe all

Xx

I spent all day doing the house up..mainly outdoors  ...figured if you sell it , it will bring some  cash in   .. up the price ...

My reason is, I am not expecting  to see years and years in it, it depends  on my lil girl. She is 9 (63 in dog years) so I don't  anticipate  much longer...

My sister will get the house. I got it sorted,  she maybe sell it and progress  from that.

I hate life. Sad but true.. I love my girl to bits but when she goes, I go straight  after her. No question ...

I'm doing good   I'm safe. I am loving  lil one.

.

Another  day just passed by, progress  being  made 

No gambling  ..xx

Hi diary,

Thought  I will pop in as am without  place today.  Tried to find motivation  to do things but appears that I just did not find any and its now almost evening. 

Annoyed with myself and feeling flat. Gym is a distant memory these days as I even don't get there any more as much as I would like. I just don't want to I guess.

Please with the house stuff and in a way it was taking a lot of my time (apart today) and so progress  has been made.

Overall  I'm just a bit lost soul these weeks. Find it hard to bounce back and help myself to look at life in positive  light. Not giving  up tho, hope dies the last huh. Maybe something  will switch in me and I will be able to turn plates around.

Looked at lil girl today and her eyes appeared a bit cloudy. Pain went through me like a bolt. I am fearful  she will start loosing  her eyesight. She is not active or bouncing as much as she used to be. Saying  that she is still quick to chase that ball and jump up trying  to get it off me. She usually  needs a good rest afterwards  and thats what she is doing  now.

In all this sadness and darkness  I know that I am all I can be and provide care and love for her as best as I can. I know I give all and I know she knows that too. Its the comfort  I get because I know I cannot love any more.

There is a long road to walk in this life with it throwing curveballs and challenges  along the way. Sometimes  I am pretty certain I learned from the past or situations but sometimes  I feel I walk that already threaded road with absolutely  fresh bare feet. Through stones and prickles, mountains and twists. Sometimes  it's just putting foot in front of another  and sometimes  it's OK just to stop and take a breather. And it's also OK to take a step back whilst finding  that energy and strength  again to look ahead and carry. Journey continues no matter how slow the progress  is being made. Main thing is - it is being made regardless. 

Stay safe and at peace all

Xx

Diary,

Hi again..been a while I guess. Busy with work and wearing  my Cape ?. Funny/ not funny, I was called a superwoman  before. Last person to do so was my therapist believe me or not. Wounded superwoman  still flies...yes, indeed.

I was called an angel few times also (short lived experience  as on occasion the next 20mins brings me being called a b**tch)...life and its curves huh..been called worse I suppose  ?

Sooo..just after 14hrs shift and all is good. Glad it's more fresher and cooler out there as did  struggle yesterday.  Still skipping  gym...who needs that, esp when superwoman  just flies ?

Noticed a post about GC not allowing  email swaps...wondering  what has changed? Used to be left right and centre swaps on this site...as long as its facilitated  by admin...oh well, I guess times changes same as rules. 

That's me. Still hurt for loosing  a soul who so wanted to live but  life was taken away....its sad and traumatic.  Its wrong and angering..its unpleasant  life experience.  ..but....its life and its curves...

The rest...yup...im a year older soon ...oh dear...as long as I have  my lil one by my side...I am ALRIGHT.

No gambling  issues.

Xx

Hi diary,

Guess yesterday  and my late finish at work did mess with my head a little.  Good news is - I found the courage  to reach out and spoken to very lovely adviser on here who helped to pick myself up. So much that I also found motivation to get my sorry a** to the gym today ?..so thank you!

As much as I love my little one, she still cannot talk back and so ...its difficult  to stay in my head for what seems eternity  sometimes. 

Strange when I think I bounce back from stuff but when suddenly  and unexpectedly I am in this heap of sadness again. I am not smart enough  to process this complicated structure  of brains/emotions  so just riding along those waves until they pass. That's all we can do sometimes. 

I am off on a little break in a week's time and for some reason I'm kicking and resisting something  what will do me the world of good. Not sure why I am like I am...so isolated .I am  detached  emotionally from myself if that makes sense. I will take others' struggles and offer support, yet when the tables turns around, I start resisting help thinking that I will push through  myself. Reality is, I can't sometimes and I need to talk to someone to balance my head out. Work in progress  I suppose and yesterday  proved just that. There is no shame to ask for help.

Received a thank you letter at work from top boss. Little things sometimes  mean so much for me. Makes you feel valued. 

Guess that's  me. Sun is out offering  warmth and positive energy. I shall welcome it into my soul ?

Stay safe all

Xx

Hi diary,

Yesterday  was an awful day...from start to finish and I am  ot impressed  with how I handled my emotions..I do have some anger issues.

Fell out with sister also and I thought  this is gonna be it and we will not talk ever again but she said something what stopped me in my tracks - "don't  lie to yourself you are ok". And she is right, I'm not exactly ok. I know why  but I don't feel I can tackle  those issues yet...esp on my own...on the other hand, I watch myself from the side and see how badly Im deteriating...

Eventually  we spoke and I had to put my guard down and accept that she is right. I am overprotective  and I am simply missing life in front of my eyes due to that. So I shall work on it.

I had extra long walk with little  one last night and braved every single fear I had outdoors..it was a challenge but we came out the other side stronger  and much more at peace.

Today is another  day. I managed gym and it was 7th time this month so far. Half than I used to attend but it's slow progress to get back into it.

It's almost 400 days g free apart from my minor 30 quid slip. I shall take it all along. ..as long as I continue  as I am.

It was good to hear from fellow members from here who does not post any more ...for my birthday.  Made me smile and reminded me that I am not all forgotten  yet ?

Take care all, work beckons.

Xx

Ps. Congrats GC for 25years running this service! (I am guessing  thats what it is for on the top of the page!)