...

Eh...I'm so angry with myself it's unreal! Every time I woken up last night (must of been around 20times) I repeated the sum lost in my head...that was first thought hoping it was a bad dream...but it's not and it's very much so reality!

I'm angry because that money could of boosted help for my sister/nephew...it could of easily sorted my car's service & MOT!...It could of helped out so much...and yet...I decided to....😭😭😭😭😭..

Annoying thing is, I scrape by in daily life. Everything counted, I live on minimum spenditure. I haven't even got my nails done because ya know..its 30 quid!..this is madness! To watch money slip away by the silly spins...purely knowing any possible withdrawal with these overseas companies is near enough impossible and mindfully depositing 100 after 100...is absolute and complete madness! There is no rationale here whatsoever. 

I did so well over the last year..truly stood back on my own two feet. Holiday, private dental apts,  medical care for my little girl as she had few worries and now massages she is getting on weekly basis which are not cheap (the girl lives better life than me!) , doing house up...clearing debts, remortgaging on higher rate...you name it...I paddled through all that living single life (par 5 months dating stint which was also costly)...its not easy..its truly not easy to keep your head above the water in this day and age with no extra support from anyone...and no to go off and do this mindless thing...what the hell I was thinking!

Buzz? Yeah, my heart was on the edge on few occasions but you know, I get the same buzz after gym seeing the results. ....or other pleasurable activities which costs nothing! This is just so so stupid decision, I can kick myself. 

Lost sleep, trying to figure out how to plan my spending before payday. Probably bread and water for me & I truly deserve this after yesterday. 

Just shows how good work can be undone just like that..moment of madness...what the hell was I thinking....

Hi diary,

Just how quickly it can crash around us. It's like a pack of domino's.. tumbling down leaving destruction around itself. 

Last couple of days really shows how awful this addiction is. Comes unexpectedly and says "hey, I'm back and will make your life difficult again..just allow me"....sigh.

I'm in this cycle now..how long will it last, down to me. 

It's worrying times again after what felt like 3-4 years of freedom.

We are never cured..I must remember what I preach.

Tired of this madness.. 

Want to stop but I can't for some reason..HP, give me strength please..I beg you...I keep doing this to myself

Hi SB28 thank you for sharing your experience it sounds like you are very determined to make the change but would benefit from some support.

At GamCare we do offer online support services that you can access here is the link to what you can access GamCare - The leading provider of support for anyone affected by problem gambling in Great Britain 

You may prefer to talk to someone that can help you identify why you return to gambling and identify your high risk situations and triggers that lead you to return to gambling. You can make a safe referral via our 24 hour helpline on 0808 802 0133 and speak to a Helpline Advisor that can refer you to your local treatment team to speak with a trained Practitioner.

Remain focused on your goal to stop gambling as it is achievable and once you find the right support you can begin to work on your recovery plan.

I wish you all the best for the future and continue to believe in yourself.

Rets

Forum Admin

Hi Rets,..thank you for the advise. I used your services before and they were really helpful but on this occasion, I shall decline as I know what I need to do..and your lovely councillors are needed for others struggling with this.

Youre right, I need to keep my concentration on not wasting my hard earned away..its d**n hard I must say and I'm trying my best. I try to focus on the project and change in my home. The issue with recent slips is that frustration about losing and wanting losses back. Always been the same and I shouldn't feel surprised.  It's about letting losses go...

As annoying as it is, I have wasted that cash and so be it. It's not in my account any longer and I need to accept it.

I have a lot of expenditures coming up this year..tatts, holiday, this project..costly stuff and that's why I need to keep my determination going and staying strong. Just living my life I lived until last week..nothing too exciting but at least peaceful..simple things like hikes, gym, peaceful evening in..all that stuff which gives me more than takes away..

I lost my precious time last week due to my choices..same as sleep...oh how I dont miss that after effect gambling brings! Unrest, panic, worry, depression..

You know what, I'm not that person I used to be. I'm not that person who nearly self destructed at the begging of my journey.  I don't want to be that person. I moved on from that life, I discovered myself and what I like..and I shall strive towards my goals.

It's day 4 or 5..rime does help to recover mentally a little and gain perspective on things again. I must say strong. X

So diary...

Inevitable happened again yesterday.  I'm trying to work out my thought process and what brings me to these decisions.  Scary fact is - it's like a light switch.flick it on and off I go. I was just simply doing shopping yesterday after having few peaceful days to myself..and then ..it just flicked...I got in and logged in the account without second thought.  And down oblivion I go 🫤

I know I should put blocks on this phone but I'm fearful that it will intervene with my other apps which it has done previously.  So that's the only reason I don't put gamblock on. 

I sent 6 emails to the company asking for my acc to be closed. This is the only site I know where I cannot do it myself on the app. I speak to advisers who just go in circles telling me to email this person which I have done last week and today. No response..account still active..its enabling me to make these irrational decisions.  It's also frustrating because it seems I'm asking for help and self exclusion and it falls to deaf ears. It's not exactly customer service you would expect hey 😒

So I don't know..feeling exposed to the danger and willpower will take you so far..I need more safety measures than willpower...

Sigh..

Being a gambler is hard...so hard isn't it.

I came back from work last night and logged straight back in to that site. Where has the time went but next I looked, it was almost 6am ..time for very disturbed and unrestful sleep. Always have weird dreams with waking up every 5mins checking the time.  Last night/this morning wasn't any different.  The only difference is that my subconscious was repeating itself "put blocks on, block that site". I woke up with that thought...and a reminder what I wasted so much again last night.

I also dreamed GC and ODAAT user making entry in diaries. Someone who I have the most respect for and who, to be very honest, dragged me up to the person I am now...independent,  strong, confident and knowing my worth. Not to forget that down to that user I do what I do because I believe in myslef) and I live where I live because of the support and knowldege/advise I received from them. Forever greatful. I don't think I would of had this foundation to change my life without having ODAAT by my side all those 7 years ago.....thank you.i hope your life is treating you well. So deserve peace and happiness. 

This morning I installed blocks. Two of them on my device. I tried to access the site and I can't. Relief in my body is unspeakable. I know this will change. Because when urges hits, I will be cursing under my breath my decision just now to block them. But I know sweet fruits will be greater than another wasteful session.

I am crying now. For recent loss or freedom..happy tears or sad ones..I don't know but what I now, it's been long waited relief in this body. 

Now I shall make myself some coffee, take lil lady out, go to the gym....dress up & show up at work for nighshift like nothing else has happened in my life..whilst deep down, ...last week was pure hell. Thank to me of course, I created this mess, I shall drag myself out of ir.

No more tears S..time to straighten that crown and show up for the world. Life is here for living.

.

Hi diary,

What a difference putting blocks on makes!!! Phew..I feel like I'm regaining control of my life again 😊. Couldn't be more happier.

I want to thank myself actually for accepting defeat, realising that nothing changes if nothing changes, forgiving for my mistakes and determination to fight a good fight.

I said this before. I'm not THAT person any longer. I know I cannot change but I also know that I went too far to look back. I'm better version of myself now. Yes I make mistakes but now I have a vision in life. I want to reach for what I'm capable off and ....sky is a limit really.

Also want to thank GC for assistance with these blocks. Appears, that I already was signed up yonks ago, but didn't fully submit the application for gamblock..so licence will end in February but at least this gives me time to recover fully, heal from past two weeks and have much more clearer head for then I renew the license.

Thank you all for support and help.

It's only like 4 days but when I know I have no way to the hell, I am sure I will keep making the right choices accordingly..😊 ....all I can advice - blocks blocks blocks, as many as you can. Does make massive difference  xx

Nice one, SB. You got this 💪