...

Thanx SA, Duncs and Castle..thinking of you all and raising a smile for you all:)

Dear diary,

Well, day progresses, a little bit tired since i had only couple of hours sleep, but feel OK otherwise. Last night's events went through my head few times today, but you know what...i don't feel sorry one bit...it had to be said, and i am not going to work to be on a downer for the whole 13 hours..Hopefully all of this only gonna work out in my favour and i will get that well needed kick up my a r*e to move forward....Sod them!!

My days off, and i will spend them on myself. Going to update my CV and apply for few places...It don't hurt..to try:)

Sister is coming round later, she is a bit upset today, and i won't go into details...but little cake and tea ready and i will try to cheer her up as much as i can:) Love her to bits, and she is the only blood connection here for me...which i appreciate with all my heart:)

Otherwise, it's ok, moving on and hopefully turning corner for my future...Cmon ....i want it so much...let's make it happen!!!..

NO WAY i will gamble today...it's downing on me well hard these days...IT IS NOT THE WAY OUT...never will be..

I can feel pain, i can feel anger and devastation...i better punch a pillow lol( not the wall)

Upwards and onwards...and without you on here and my councellor......well i tell you from my heart - i wouldn't be here today.

So i suppose...just THANK YOU and i mean it when i say it:)

Day at a time

Please take care all and keep fighting the good fight!!!! We are worth it!!

Sandra x

Hi Sandra,

Hope everything is okay with you and your sister, and you are too right that sending your CV around does no harm at all. I don't think that you should be too soft with your work, its something I've had to learn over the years, and by being more demanding, or at least assertive about your needs, it does help people to realise how important you are.

I like counting days too...but as much as for the small treats I allow myself as for the track of progress too.

All the best

Ryan

Hiya sandra you seem as determind as ever, great stuff. Well done for saying your peace, sometimes you just have to. It was a shame of course to hear of your slip but your fighting back straight away and thats awesome and takes a lot of strength so you should be proud. Im gonna be putting details of a new thread on the site this sunday. It will start next month and im thinking of running it through till end of jan so 3 months again, i did have the idea of finishing new years eve but i feel xmas is a tough time and january can be just as tough as you realise youve overspent etc. So thought it might be a good idea to see it through past the new year. Hope that all sounds good to you. A bit of inside info there for ya lol hot of the press. Be a pleasure to have you on board i love your strength and it'll be great to walk alongside you for another challenge. oh just thought i better say that ofcourse you have to do what you feel is right for your recovery and im shouting out about thread to people but we all have to do what we feel is best for us and i would never wanna force someone into anything if they didnt really want to do - just wana get that out there - i love posting to people on here and offering support and encouragement where i can but im also always wary of coming across in the wrong way. Anyway enough of me rambling on take care and have a great weekend.

Hi Sandra

Just having a wee catch up and reading about you throwing out the "white flag"! Good for you!! I hope there's a positive change after saying "your piece".

You've written here that things are often difficult in your relationship with your sister, yet you're preparing tea and cake to offer comfort- that's being a true sister Sandra and she's very lucky to have you.

To count or not to count?? Do whatever you feel- I like to see the numbers, it reminds me how far I've some along (although I often rely on other's to keep me right lol)

Take care

Irene

x

oh! got an email from GC asking if they can pass my details- I'd omitted the "1" from your username when I sent original request!!

Thank you all;) Your support is most appreciated

Dear diary,

Day 11 and i'm on a go today. Lovely chat with sis last night, putting past behind and trying to make things better between us from now on.

(that's my plan lol)

Passed out at 21:00 last night, woke up at 3 in a morning and found myself thinking about my situation...not too bad so far, have to force myself to do some things i am not really keen on, but nothing changes if nothing changes...And i need changes for my own good.

Anyway, ramble starts here lol...

Going for a run before rain starts, shopping later and looking after sisters little one after.

Little cat still missing, but hope he will be back soon, since weather changing and getting cold...so fingers crossed..

I am making the right choice just for today...for the better future:)

Take care all, i hope to catch up with more of your diaries later this evening

Ciau for now dear fighters

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hey Sandra, thanks for your post, it made me feel great, I'm not going to let 2 hours stop me in my tracks and even though urges are there a little, I have fed that gambling demon once, now I'm going to starve the sucker again!

Sounding very promising for you missy, days going well, looking good with the sister, doing things you don't really like doing, making changes, going for a run, not moping around, we just need the wee fella to return and it'll be paradise (Well not really but better).

I hope you have a good weekend and the positive thing about me slipping is I made a new friend in you, that's got to be worth £190 🙂

From Sunday I will try and give up smoking, save £4.17 a day from doing that, add up the total over 50 off days and that will be the money saved that I lost the other days, so there are lots of positives that can be taken from a slip, it doesn't mean someone has opened the door to an all-out, fully blown relapse.

Have a lovely weekend hun

Andy x

Hi Sandra,

Good stuff on keeping the running going, despite the change in the weather. Ive slacked but I think its done me some good... its nice not to feel dehydrated and tired all the time. I will be running tomorrow though as mates are coming round and they are mega motivated.

Glad things have improved with your sister and I hope your cat appears soon. They are very independent are cats so ive heard. They choose who they want to be with at any given time. Good stuff on gambling free time... S.A 🙂

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for the post! Just the thing when one is having a cr ap day. We can push thru the sh it with a little help from our friends. Thanks again Sandra. One day at a time. -joanxxx

Thanx Andy, SA and Joan xxx

Hello diary,

Can't sleep and trying not to give in the urge to go for a f*g lol ( i know i wouldn't be able to sleep for extra few hours if i had one) ha ha...ohh...i love my addictions....NOT!!

Anyway, since i'm up i was thinking...again of course...:-)

I thought back to the start of May, that's when my rock bottom hit me (i think it was rock bottom). Me and my sister took little one to the Fun Fair, and i clearly remember the caravan where g***y lady was reading the future from palms or marble balls. I never believed in that stuff, but for some reason that day, i just wanted to go in and see what she can "see"...i had a feeling i was going to end up on the streets soon, was on the peak of my gambling and very depressed...

So i went in. Besides telling me some of my past and my present she was very serious then spum round and said - 'Don't do it'...and i was like, what is she talking about? Don't do what...remember coming back home, spinning my last wage away and starting on credit card. Few days later i was on the verge of ending my life...

And i never been in darkest place before...( except once)...

So yes, those words rang in my ears for quite a while...was the lady seeing my intentions? I will not know...maybe she was an angel which helped my light bulb to swich on.

That's how i found this place, and here i am today...looking ahead,straight posture and brave face on:-)

I am happy today, happy to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, happy to have feelings and emotions. I am not numb anymore. And i'm glad i have a choice to make..i can better my life by doing so.

And i made a choice for today - NO GAMBLE.

Thanx for reading and sorry if it was a little scary story before bed lol (if you read)

Ok time for zzzzz myself

Day at a time

Take care all and stay safe

Sandra x

Good morning diary,

Day 12 and i'm up and ready to face what today throws my way:-)

Hardly slept last night but keep optimistic. A run in a bit, washing, cleaning and getting ready to go out tonight!! Yes, a little kick up my a**e and i will head out up town to see what's going on there lol... watch out people haha

Been invited to a birthday party tonight and toying with the idea all night, decide to go and have some fun:-) ...now just usual stuff...what to dress, what to wear lol lol

All good in my little world, no gambling thoughts.

Keep safe everyone

Day at a time

Sandra x

I was told a very similar story yesterday by a friend who visited, about a fortune teller recently knowing their innermost feelings and preventing them from making a disastrous decision.

Such an insomniac like you and only two hours sleep Tuesday night, just can't seem to find the off switch on my brain sometimes.

Have a lovely evening tonight and have lots of fun, you deserve it.

xxx

Thank you Dragonfly...most appreciated xx

S x

Hey Sandra, Just catching up on your diary and as always, ever so grateful for your support. Sisters, eh?! Nobody can fight like sisters and nobody can love like sisters! By the way... I believe in angels and you're one of them. Keep fighting!

Hi Sandra,

Sorry if the title of my thread comes across as scary. It was meant as a reminder to myself that I will no longer flog myself in public every time I make a mistake. I can't expect to ride the same wave for a lifetime or maintain a perfect straight A average or to hit a home run every time at bat. I can only take it one day at a time and do my level best. Anyway, not wanting to hog your diary here. Hope you are enjoying your Sunday. (((S))) -joanxxxxx

Arrr...thanx Carla and Joan xx

Joan, your tread didn't scare me as i might sounded lol..nobody of us are perfect...never will be, that's what makes world go round 🙂 hugs

Dear diary,

Busy day and just now sat down. Another day g free...i know it's not over yet...but hey ..do what i can to keep moving forward.

Didn't go out last night, my usual last minute changes. I can be as stubborn as ox ( sorry - goat lol) sometimes lol..

Anyway, i decide to do some volunteering... see how it goes, and i do get more drawn in to help others. Just love it....:-)

But it's me once again, i can apply for things today, and get scared and loose my confidence by tomorrow. All about breaking through for me. JUST DO IT!!!

I will need to take few courses on...and with my work it's not making things easier, but a little push for a change. It just screams at me CHANGE JOBS:-)

Well, ramble on a way...better stop here

Take care all and keep doing what you doing to help with your own recoveries

Sandra x 🙂