...

Hi Sandra... well done on surviving the M6. If its any comfort ive had to drive whilst being attacked by a client before and when the escort was too scared to do anything about it lol

I hear what you say about suicide. Ive come close myself at times. Its a scary place to be. Onwards to better times for all... regards.. S.A

Hi Sandra

Keep strong- you're doing brilliantly.

Take care

Irene

x

Thank you all,

Dear diary,

Still day 22 and it wasn't too bad. Was thinking about pretty much everything what's going on in my life and around me. I know i used to say that i hate to think...it puts me down and blah blah...i was always scared to actually see the facts and reality.....always tried to run away..

Today i'm glad i had some time to myself and looked good and bad in the eye...it is what it is so just get on with it:-)

Went for a run, visited sister and had a good drive around..good relaxing day..there still are mad moments when i get angry with myself and think of punishing myself with gambling...NO NO NO SANDRA...no more gambling in my life.no more running and numbing pain away...

Simply dealing with everything head on..that's the only way out...deal with it...and all good things will follow too.

Upwards and onwards

Sandra x

Dear diary,

Another day ahead to tackle. Don't feel like going in to work today, not since last time when i was near enough begging to be let out earlier, and all of them just ignored me. But it's ok for the others to leave whatever they like....

Didn't sleep much last night, my brains refused to switch off. Seems like world around me start collapsing a bit, which don't make things easier.Looking for excuses to go online...like you do ..having compulsive nature. It's only thoughts and i wont give in.

Soon be my holiday, two weeks off, which more likely will see me heading back to Manchester. I just can't believe that i didn't see my mate for the past two years, and had to meet her in these circumstances...makes you think sometimes..

OK, looks like carrying on a bit here.

No gambling for today...it's only thoughts.

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hi Sandra, sounds like you've had some rough days lately... (((S))). Thanks for reminding me that I am strong and need to believe. It's so easy to just read words and not think about them. I love what you said about looking good and bad in the eye. Really, it's all about the value we assign to things/people/events, etc., isn't it?! Here's to better days ahead....

Hey Carla, thank you so much for the post. I read ur post and really hit me..you have hope and all you can do is try...just try, it don't hurt.

Dear diary,

Reflecting on my financial situation and my life. Gambling was never for money to me. It was escape route from reality.my financial situation is quite bearable...no overdraft, credit card halved, loan halved, send sis for holiday, send money for parents, sorted car out, donated and even managed to save...

Do i feel better for it - no. Money is nothing then you feel s**t with urself. I wish my life had the same healthy balance as my bank account.

I can hope lol

S x

Hi Sandra,

Keep up the good work with staying away from gambling, and continue making the right choice by making sure gambling thoughts are just that - thoughts and no more. Reading over your recent posts, I also have toyed with thoughts about suicide, and it is something that I don't think I could ever do. I'm sorry that you have to deal with the aftermath of someone doing that.

I always think of this poem http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUISUncv2yM and how selfish I would have been to ever have considered it seriously.

You're right that there is more to life than money, and I'm lucky my job and skillset means I will be able to work my way out of debt, but its about trying to build a more positive existence along the way.

All the best,

Ryan

Thanx Ryan...most appreciated.

Hey diary, have a bit of insomnia going on lol...actually just thought...why to spend life being miserable than you can have some laugh and fun...yea..even here..at work i had quite funny night...

Does send me crazy..these hours lol.

NO GAMBLING 😀

Not today anyway

S x

Morning Sandra

They say money doesn't bring happiness but I guess its better than having no money and still be unhappy, most importantly for u is ur getting urself into a great position the better things in life r just around the corner for many of us after gambling it takes a while to adjust and on that side none of us are very patient

Ur spot on with having a laugh esp at work we spend so much time there so its really a long time to be miserable, the stress will always be there I guess its just how we deal with it

Castle2

Thank you castle, and yea you are right, we can't buy happiness, but then(if) it comes at least i'm gonna have some base under myself to spend my money on good and relaxing things:)

Dear diary,

Good day!! 😉 Not sure if carried my mood from last night, or because sun is shining again. Slept for 3 hours, but feel very energetic, went for a good run, shower and off i go to my new found happy place lol ( work)..never thought i was gonna say that haha

Weekend off, wage tomorrow...and maybe ..just maybe this time i will treat myself with something nice:-)

no gambling thoughts, and i'm safe as long as i stay clear from M6 lol lol lol

Little tune to set me off on my journey to work;-)

http://youtu.be/r76kj1JfHN4

Take care all and have a lovely g free day xx

Sandra x

Hi Sandra, Glad you had a good day... we all need at least some of those! Your posts to me always make me feel better. Sometimes I think anyone reading this must think I'm such a whiner but I guess I need to remind myself that my diary is for me. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

Need a break from everything

((S)) Yeah, it's been a tough week for you.

Wishing you a brighter weekend and some peace.

Dear diary,

Btw thank you ((( (Carla))))..i think you doing fantastic job in ur recovery. Keep it up.

Me, well my happy day come and gone. I do feel mood changes ... i do try to hold on on good ones..but they don't last for long. Which is ok. I'm used to it.

s**t night at work, most of it had tears in my eyes..but had to keep moving. Body aches, tiredness hitting hard and just really *** ed off with everything. Will not go to sleep, just go do shopping and god knows what. Feel f***k it mood coming...dangerous for me...and lucky for gambling demons...

Don't know diary...i try to sort it all out..what am i doing wrong? Why do i suffer and suffer...never wanted money..i want to get my old self back. Is it asking for a lot?

Half a year i'm on this forum...i get help...it's not only advice i've got...i found friends...which i will never forget and will be always greatfull for....but as they say...friends comes and go...but true friends always stay....

My life and understanding things changed, i see good and bad...i am honest.

But i don't feel like moving forward one bit..why is that??? Maybe i need a break from the forum...but i feel very wobbly in my recovery...i don't support others as much..have i lost hope in that? I love to support others, it's best medicine in my recovery...just i can't at the minute...i just have no encouraging words....i wish i had..

I just want to get some sort of normality in my life. To smile then i feel like it...and not having to pretend..

What is wrong with me??

Maybe...just these foreign brains don't see the picture of reality yet...i keep looking for escape route..will i find one, where i don't have to feel challenged to move on?

Simply..don't know anymore..don't think my posts are helpful for others...but i'm very sorry..i can't be bubbly all of time..and i was given an opportunity to express my feelings on the screen...maybe i should of get clean sheet and pen to do all of this by myself...

...but would i be still standing f i did that?...

S x

More thinks to come...just prob on a white sheet...

((((Carla))))...please don't.....just can't stop crying now....thank you..lovely song.. xx