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Dear diary,

Up early and for some reason first thought to hit my mind is pride. I actually am proud of myself today:-)

I used to gamble every day, most hours of the day, before work, after work,...i gave my sleep to this addiction. I didn't eat, i was mad, moody, angry and hated the world. I nearly lost my soul to it, and i couldn't see the way out...it drove me to depression, isolation...suicidal thoughts.

Now....6 months later and with £2 slip i had last month( where i have to tap myself on a back, for managing to stop myself )...now i smile and am honest with myself and others. I don't think about slots all the time..i am not looking for the escape anymore. I am dealing with everything life throws at me and i see the light at the end of the tunnel.. i'm coming out stronger with each day and finding the ways to fight the urges with all my mite. I can feel my heart beat...it's not a stone, i thought i had for so long...i'm alive..The best feeling ever!! I have a choice and i make it daily - no gamble for today!!

I don't feel as lonely anymore...and believe me or not..this site working magic..i don't know any of you..but i am ready to fight all your battles for you:-) will never forget you dear fighters...always there..through good bad and ugly. Thank you!!xx

I know it's long road ahead but i'm ready. With every day abstaining i'm pushing this addiction further away....you can't fight the storm..you need to learn to dance in a rain..knowing that this addiction has the biggest patience in a world and quietly waiting to pounce...i am not scared anymore. I am coming out as a winner every day...and yeah..if it trips me again...i will stand up and stand up like a real warrior kicking it back in the teeth.

Today i am proud of myself and believe i can lead happy and g free life...

I know we all can and i wish you all to stick to your guns and never give up!! Because YOU ARE WORTH IT!! 😉

That's it diary

Now i can try and have a kip before work lol

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hi S

You deserve to be proud!

Thanks very much for contacting me yesterday and caring. I feel so much better today.

Keep your head help high wee pal- you are a terrific person and a great friend.

Thanks!

Take care

Irene

x

Hey Sandra, I really admire your tremendous, and I do mean tremendous, strength. You know if it was me, that 2 pounds would definitely not have been limited to 2 pounds. I know I would have lost total control. You've come a long way baby and so should be very proud. As always, I'm grateful for your continued support. Money is now in my account so I can gas up and go to sis. Finally! Leaving in about 3 hours as she decided to go to work today so she'll be home by the time I arrive there. Enjoy your evening.

Thanx girls xxx

Keep fighting all..;-)

Dear diary,

Many thinks today. Control and staying strong. Life went through my head. Still the same question "What's the point?"...

My head is full, but nothing comes out.

Let's just say - for today i will not gamble. It simply sucks

....for the better tomorrow...

S x

Hi Sandra... I use to gamble most days as well. Its good that you recognise how far you have come and that you are proud of what you have achieved. Well done! Keep going, day at a time. Regards... S.A 🙂

Hi wee pal

You are so right! Gambling does suck- our lives are so much better without it! Maybe not quite perfect but much much better.

You have proven that this is the case over the past months. You can cope with anything that's thrown your way cos you're a brave cookie.

Take care

Irene

x

Thanx SA and Irene xx

Evening at home..had a good cry ( like i do lol) and getting back to normal...Full month since my slip...may long it continue:-)

Take care all

S x

Well done Sandra and thank you for all your support on my diary. Much appreciated.

Feb.

Thanx Feb xx

Good morning diary,

Yep..absolutely exhausted but since my body is used to 4hrs sleep, i'm wide awake. Tirining and i'm not sure how i can aproach calmer and healthier way in my recovery.

Thought a lot yesterday, got really emotional and sneaky gambling demon was by my side most of the day...kicked it in a teeth of course:-) and chose to suffer instead.. which led to a cry and searching for more answers.

No matter how hard it can be i HAVE to stay strong and find a way out. I have no choice, but to make some drastic decisions in my life..if not..i will eat myself alive.

Oh...the joys of this recovery...hey? Up and down..but..

Good bad and ugly...

Only onwards shall i go

Day at a time..take care all

sandra x

P.s. no gambling for today.

Dear diary,

Still day 31 since my slip. Felt really low all day, but just come back after councelling session and feel better. Didn't see her for couple of weeks due to unexpected events where i had to cancel sessions. That's it, it's coming to an end and i feel like a baby which had his dummy taken away...really grow to trust her and will be hard to carry on on my own. I had to appologize to her today, for not progressing in my recovery as i would wish, and feel like letting her down. Her response took me by surprise and i seem to forget very quickly how far i actually got. I do not gamble( that was the main issue i was seeing her for)..but i don't move on in my life either. Her words made so much sense and i'm the luckiest girl on Earth to have a chance to see somebody so understanding. Angel with golden heart.

Recovery is slow and long journey. Maybe because we are crawling at such a slow pace, we think we are still in the same spot. Not at all...every minute, every hour, every day is a progress. And i want to come out the other end. I'm not on here just to blah around..i want to make changes..and if i want - i can. Yes, it's scary, but necessary.

Each of us working on our recoveries at different level. Now..i haven't lost hundrets of thousands, i didn't steal, borrowed or lied to get the money....no...i nearly sold my soul..i got myself to the deep end wanting to end it all. I was in the darkest place possible..as well as skint.

I simply don't want to go back there again. And i will hold on as much as possible. Maybe process is slow, but i believe in myself and i will take everything out of life what it has got lined up for me. I will free little girl inside me and let it all go. I will look ahead with brave heart ... i can be better person and i can forgive...if not, i am stuck on this never ending rollercoaster taking me round and round .

No more bets, no more slots, and no more letting being used. I can be nice, but we all got the limit.

By the way diary...going to the Spa next weekend..yea, something for myself for a change:-) need start living for myself and not others ( especially demons i meet too often)

Day at a time

I will find what i'm looking for ( and it's not gonna be in online casinos)

Sandra x

Sandra, that last post was fab and hit the nail on the head, slow but steady progress is all we can wish for, and I am sure that we will all get to where we want to be soon. I can relate to the loss of counselling, went myself for a while this time last year ( not gambling related) and whilst difficult when I stopped I still use some of the coping mechanisms she taught me, so I am sure the positive advice/help yours has given you will continue in your everyday life, even without the sessions. Great that you are finally doing something for yourself and spa sounds lovely. Keep strong and thank you for all the supportive posts on my diary, Lyn x

Hi Sandra... yes, I sometimes feel like am moving forward so slowly that am not actually moving at all, like running into a gale. But then I also have moments when I realise that I am in a much better place than when I was consumed by gambling. Slow progress is the best and in that way we can learn to enjoy the journey. Take care... S.A 🙂

Hey Sandra,

Yes, yes, yes, and more head nodding and yesses. ((((S)))) -joanxxxx

Thanx Lyn, SA, Joan ((((( all )))))

Dear diary,

No gamble today. (Dot)

Take care all

S x