...

Hello diary,

Day 38 and up relatively early lol. Maybe couse it's my last night at work !!! Yay...my plans for the next two weeks : sleep, sleep again, and some more lol...and look for another job ( when i wake up )

Feeling good today, got few bits and bobs to do before going to work later on and quite positive mind set today.

Great. No gambling thoughts

Keep fighting those urges dear fighters we all can do it!;-)

Take care all

Have a safe day

S x

Hi Sandra,

Thanks very much for your message on my diary. I really appreciate it. You are doing brilliantly. Keep up the great work.:)

Take care

Dave X

Don't you dare leave this forum and don't apologize. It is YOUR diary to use as you wish. 🙂

Anyway, thanks for the continual encouragement. Glad to have you as a cheerleader!

Thank you all so much xxx

Dear diary,

Start of the day 39. Holiday. Not as optimistic as before and fully aware that i will have more time on my hands which means door will be open for my addictions( gambling, drink, smoking) more often. Dreading these two weeks already and don't get myself. Waiting for my holiday like crazy to then s***t myself when they come. Simple answer - no family, no social life no loved one to get my attention to.

Will it be diferent this time? Going out, actually loking for a job? No....things can change around me but i am still very wobbly with the aspects of my life and my personality.

Will i lapse soon? And is it the sign it's coming? Don't know and don't wanna know. All i try to say i better get prepared.

Insomnia started already, no sleep which sends me even more to the left and panic mode about the situation.

My thoughts jumps from one to another and i find it hard to concentrate. Overtired, fed up and lacking of patience of things getting better.best to get up from my backside and do something about it for once.

I suppose i just give a shot for today..that's all i can do

Day 39....

Day at a time

S x

Morning Sandra

Know how u feel with the holidays yes its great for the much needed break from work but the routine goes out of the window, doin the right thing though take each day and see what it brings don't live in fear of a relapse life is too short aim to enjoy each day as much as possible

Well jealous though I'd rather be off for 2 weeks than working them lol

Enjoy

Castle2

Thank you castle,

Dear diary,

Lots of thinks today...about life of course. I am getting confused with my moods recently. It's like day and night, which can change in a matter of hours(if not minutes). Difficult to override days like that, hard to know what to expect from myself.My life parallel has got more dark colours than bright ones. But again, i only lived for 28 years.Do i want my second half of life to be as first one? Yes and no. I suppose it will not be the same because i keep growing as a person and learning bitter lessons on a way. The lessons of survival and never ending battles.

Song of Life is full of slides, and kind of dark and dour sounds. Only they create an amazing creative work - life.Transparent and grim echoes of the sounds of joy ... and pain ... It seems that such a large, and hence the small distance between them ... After all, it is such contrasting feelings! However, they complete one another. What life would be without joy? Dark, cold, unwelcome ... We would live in a particular valley of tears! Maybe we would want to run away from pain ... But where? What to look for? After all, wherever you would go or turn - there would be just pain, and pain! Maybe we would keep going but we wouldn't know ourselves, what our purpose and what we want to find at the end of the journey ... Maybe we should go just because of the fact that we will find the heat to melt the ice inside? ... To find something what would fill the emptiness of it ... But in vain, because the world does not exist in the warmth, joy, goodness ... Our world exists of the joy and pain. We happy when we feel joy and mourn when we visit pain. However, between these two feelings is a balance that shows the boundaries between them. In a moment we are thinking that we do not need the pain. We crave the joy! The only joy! And a life without pain.. Do we prefer to live close to the circle of smiling, joyful faces? Many who will not think long enough would say "yes." However, I would say no, because it would be an artificial world. And the smiles and joy would be artificial. It would be just as dead world, as well as just pain all around.....people like dolls, which do not change their expressions, regardless of what happens around the world ... Artificial ... Artificial people ... Do we really want such a world? .. Often we curse the pain, but in vain, because it only shows what is Joys. Just by surviving painful and joyful moments, we will assess all the pleasures the life presents us.

Completely of the record today, but just trying to compose my head...tired and confused head.

The only thing i'm sure about today - whatever happens i will NOT turn to gamble. Been there, done it...time to move on.

Sandra x

(back to thinking corner...)

....

Hi Sandra,

I wish that when I was 28 I had half of the substance you have. Keep thinking, and feeling, and figuring it all out. I think you are an amazing and courageous soul. I am honored to share this journey with you. Battle on girl!! -joanxxxxx

Thank you.

Dear diary,

Not a good day at all. More thinking and more sinking today. Afraid about after math? - Yes, Angry? - Yes

Spoke to mum today. Never push her to tell me anything, but today was different. She talked, talked and was honest..for that i will be thankful.

I am so sorry my dear parents i don't really turn out how you want me to be. Yes, i have a good job( which you are very proud of me having it) car, roof over the head, fridge full, get enough sleep, nice and warm, dressed,and leading a life as it should go......

Hmmm...if it was this way...I hate my job, i don't sleep, i can't remember last time i ate couse my head is all over the place and i don't feel hungry, i'm dealing with my past which none of you aware off, my fridge is empty couse i just can't be bothered to put foot outside, i live in cold couse f*****g heating packed up, i am f*****g gambling addict, i drink well over the limit and i cry my eyes out more than i smile, i'm stressed, i hate my life and i am loosing the fight for it... Fantastic way to lead the life...Thank you so much for bringing me in to this world...In to the " safe" and " calm" place to be.

Yo,

Sort of wished I lived round corner , give you a chance to talk all this through.

I am thinking bout you Hun,.....

It's good to get the anger out, so don't start getting angry at being angry . Maybe the pressure cook just needed a chance to blow.

Hugs Hun ....

Shiny xxx

Thanx darling xx

Fight for my survival still on...i will fight back, because i'm not a victim...i am a survivor..

Take care all

xxx

Hey Sandra ..I can relate to all you say there especially changeable moods .....cant even put it down to hormones as I can't remember ever not being this way..

I think this world is deliberately set up to conflict with the human condition to wear our spirit down...,knowing that is one thing but living within those constraints is another ...

No words to make it better other than to say you are not on your own Hun xxxxxx

R and D xxx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOh1HjET1TY&sns=em

My ever changing moods ..with love from a generation that are now in their 40s who also know that feeling xxxx

xxxx thank you..

the last thing for my night i think off...silly young days.....i'm still here...lucky Russian roulette game...who would of think i was brave enough at the age of 17...never give me gun again ha ha

more of the secrets of my life........

http://youtu.be/ZQ2nCGawrSY

S x

You have excellent insights on pain and joy, Sandra. You can't know one without knowing the other. Next time you're feeling very sad, watch this to cheer yourself up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP4abiHdQpc

Thanx Carla...oh it did cheer me up 🙂

Morning diary,

Up early, because feel like cr** after yesterday. Had too much drink, no food at all for the last two days...the outcome - spend half of the nite hugging the toilet and spewing my guts out. Charming i know...

My mate was a bit shocked seeing my state after come back from work....but i've got the strongest hug ever...thank you so much...i talked a lot...and seems like my problems coming down to one person ....and me including too. Will not go into detail, but i need to sort myself out. My mate suggested to drop it all and leave for couple of days...just anywhere...no laptop, no phone, no internet....just me and a world around me. Very appealing...the town i live in can do ur head in too...oh god...never ending moaning:-)

Ok, day 40 and navigated without gambling yesterday. The same today...just hopefully a bit better state of mind.

Sorry for my ugly recent messages to everyone who reads...i put down...good..bad and the ugly...and it's not yhe rosy life i lead..if sometimes it's appearing on my "funny" posts.

Take care all

Day at a time

Sandra x