Going to keep this thread now!

Ive had a difficult day. Went to a local mental health charity to have a private chat to talk about my problems with one of the staff.

Felt much better after I had talked it through, but went into the communal area where everyone was sitting and felt overwhelmed. Some of the people there just completely rant at you about all of their problems with no regard whatsoever for whether you can actually handle it or not.

I think some of them have no friends so they have to rant at anyone who is in front of them. I feel sorry for them, but im not a professional counsellor. The minute you say 'im sorry i cant cope with this, please stop talking' they completely lose interest. You are of no further use to them. They dont bother to ask why you cant cope or whats wrong, they just switch off. Ive had enough of listening to selfish 'victims' like that. If you dont give people like that barriers, they will whinge at you for evermore, and take you down with them.

I tried making a couple of suggestions 'have you spoken to the staff here for some support?' 'do you have a social worker?' and you get excuses immediately. Some people dont want to help themselves, they just want to be victims and moan.

I'll stick to this forum in future where you guys are all taking responsibility for your problems. Not many victims here! The 'poor me's' of this world will never be happy.

Had a pretty bad panic attack last night.

Went to my meditation class, with my NBF the monk! 😉

He guided us through a meditation exercise then asked if anyone had any questions. This guy said it didnt work for me, then started ranting about how since his father died his mother has been wanting him to be his dad, and he'd had 7 bereavements in a 10 month period.

Wow. I felt overwhelmed. Its not often that people just lay their guts out on the table like that, you know? I just felt so upset to hear this awful news, and powerless to do anything to help.

The monk dealt with it great, but it stayed with me and i continued to feel shaken up. I have depression, and i cant cope with hearing too much bleakness in one day. Actually, correction, I can cope with it, it is just extremely uncomfortable. CBT anyone?

Im aware that I need to get some balance back, after hearing 3 people in complete crisis rant about their distress. Too much in one day.

So if anyone has any heart-warming things to offer I would love to read them 🙂 Honestly, anything! Even if you just really enjoyed your breakfast today!!!

Im off kilter. Ouch!

PS - off kilter, but not gambling!

Hi Freda,

Thanks for your support, my heart it still being patched up in a&e but, I'm sure they will return it soon, as Lil Maddy needs it.

Sounds like you have had a bad couple of days, hope your a little better this evening, like you say being around sad tales and unhappy events can have an effect on all of us some more than others, my advice for what it's worth would be to retreat a little when you feel any doom and gloom around you. Especially if it's not your bad news you don't really need to here it, i know you wanted to offer help and support but it's true what they say, sometimes we just need to look after no1, you sound like such a kind and sincere person i can understand you wanting to help, but make sure your OK first, hope the next couple of days are a little more settled for you, try and have a little you time if you can you deserve it.

On a brighter note, it was maddy's first day at school today, although i couldn't be there, she was in my thoughts, i spoke to her this morning, and just said "be yourself" and you will be fine, think i need to take my own advice on board a little more, she had a great day spoke again this evening, and she made me smile, guess what I'm trying to say, is we should all do the things that make us smile a little more, and make us happy, why not? we are decent people.

all the best Freda, hope i ain't rambled a load of rubbish, I'm one of those people who starts and cant stop.

speak soon.

green x

Hi Freda,

I smile when I read some of your recent thoughts. Not because of any of the distressing things you have heard or endured of course, but simply because I can relate to your experinces so much.

I trained to be a mental health nurse years ago, but never qualified. I was in one of my long placements towards the end of the course and one day i just couldnt cope with going in. Instead I spent the day lying in the park looking at the fluffly clouds. I felt more unwell than some of the patients.

I had felt like a "sponge" for other peoples problems and feelings, which was of course part of the job, but I just couldnt cope with it. I never went back.. I started gambling like a nut case instead.

I have one of these kind, caring, empathic faces and people say that I build rapport with others quickly. Perhaps as with you people tend to tell me their trouble and strife whether I have said or gestured that i will listen or not. Whether its a stranger at a bus stop, somebody at work or a neighbour in the stair well I seem to get collared and end up nodding gently and politely listening to others ramblings. And yes sometimes afterwards I feel totally used as a dumping ground for others angst or just their day to day thoughts.

Sometimes I don't mind. There is a time and a place and a part of me likes listening to others, especially my friends but other times it really P****s me off and of course in the past I would then go and feed some machine somewhere to unwind.

I am a little older and a little wiser now. I protect myself a little more. I put my own needs more to the fore. I am a little more assertive when I need to be.. though still much prgress to be made, though atleast I am aware of it and working on it.

And isnt this the lovely thing about writing is that one can be totally selfish. Even in reading this you can be selfish and not read it lol .. you see what i mean. I find diary writng can be quite empowering for me.. finding a voice where I may not be able to find a voice in the real world.

Sounds like giving the communal area at that charity a miss in the future. Others will always take advantage of good natured people.. its just the way it is. All the best Am now feeling a little guilty for writing so much in your diary.. but hey ho.. take care... S.A 🙂

Hi Freda

Dont realy know what to say, thank you for posting on my diary and your continued support....sorry i slipped but i will learn from this and continue stronger than before. You are doing great in your recovery!

Take care andrew xx

Hi hun. Blooming depression, it`s a begger. The supreme mix for feeling bad is a cocktail of depression and a large shot of anxiety. That`s the one I get. Had many years of it but at least it does pass. Started a bout of it about 12 weeks ago but it`s the first in three years and it`s not so bad right now. However I can sympathise.

Almost cloudless down here on the coast. Sunshine can really lift the spirits.

Hope you are feeling better.

Thanks so much to everyone who posted some words of support, they are more helpful than you may realise. It was good for me to actually ASK for some support yesterday if that makes sense...its something i need to get into the habit of, a new addiction if you like 🙂

An 'i realise im going through a rough patch and am going to ask people for help' aholic! What a helpful addiction that would be.

Already feeling better, my counsellor is back off the sick (couldnt be helped but glad to be back in the saddle) and I have that additional support available to me again.

She was over the moon about 2 things:

1) i coped without her support without relapsing.

2) i made the best of something i couldnt control (her sickness leave) and strengthened and utilised my other coping strategies as best i could.

Im now going to get on with chilling out til i get myself back to where i was a couple of weeks ago - then continue to move forward!

For today, i will not gamble 🙂

hi freda - thanks for your reply on my diary you brought a smile to my otherwise miserable face! Thanks mate

x

Hi Freda

Sorry to read about you not feeling to good and not being here to support you.

Sometimes I need time out to re-organise my own path.

I'm glad you are better and I also wanted to thank you for taking me past that horrible 6xx number on my diary. It made me smile when I read your post. Just goes to show..however miserable we feel inside..we still look out for others....we just have to learn to look out for ourselves a bit more...

Love and Hugs

God Bless

Charly

Hello Freda

Thank you for your nice and encouraging comments. Well, I am myself at the beginning of my recovery and I have got a long way to go. I figured that there is a few things that leading me to gamble and on top of that when I start to chase my losses, it almost always ends in disastrous way.

I just don't want this bloody gambling in my life. We just don't need the misery it brings.

I am also learning from my mistakes all the time and determined that if I stop gambling one thing is for sure that it's not gonna get any worse.

Take care and I wish you best.

Ergos...

(Last bet 10 Sep 2009)

Hi Freda

Just read your last post, it was so nice to read that your counselling seesion went well, how many sessions have you had now? you seem to be a lot stronger than me and well done for not relapsing as you know with me i did. But i have learnt a lessom from it now and im going to take something positive out of it. This forum has realy helped my in so many ways and so have you.... So thank you and i hope you have a good weekend, take care.....andrew xx

oh and have you won any games of chess lately lol! xx

Hi Freda,

Ive just been re-reading some thoughts you left on my diary. I can't help but laugh. I think you have a great sense of humour. You make some considered and thought provoking comments but in a light hearted way. Whatever happens don't lose sight of your ability to make others laugh (ie me! 😉 It is not a skill that everyone has. Hope you have a good day.. S.A 🙂

Thanks everyone for your posts - SA you are not the first to comment that I have a somwhat 'unique' take on things at times 🙂 Ah, Im happy being a bit kooky if it makes people smile.

I always thought it was rewarding to make people laugh. How wonderful that you have the power to make someones face light up, and see the fun in their eyes. I love children, because they havent yet learned to be all that grumpy or reserved. The look of sheer joy on a toddler's face, when you give them a high five - man, toddlers know how to have a good time 🙂

R and I met with our mams yesterday, it was the first time they'd met. I was happy that I realised how easy this was. Only a few months ago, when I'd given my nerves a severe battering, it would have been torture! Not because my mam or mother in laws company isnt nice, but because I was a bit mental - and thought catastrophic thoughts all day like 'what if they dont get on?' 'what if its awkward?' blah blah blah.....Its so important for me that I actually notice when things have improved for me, and how much better Im coping with things.

So Im not making progress in every way possible - still no income - but why let that faze me? Im doing the best I can, and getting real results.

Im thinking of starting to play the lottery again. I honestly dont think Ive ever had a problem with it, but cut all forms of gambling out at first to be on the safe side. Im just going to see how it makes me feel tonight, and be honest with myself. I literally played £1 a week for years with no other problems, so I guess Im just exploring my boundaries to find out what they are.

For today, other than a lotto ticket, I will not gamble.