Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks for being kind. 

I've wanted to die at points today. Really distressed. It's triggered me. That I can't have friends who treat me with respect. 

I'm scared of people, truth be told. Don't trust them to think I matter at all.

Dear Freda,

Sorry to hear you say you felt really distressed last night by your friends’ lack of understanding and concerned to hear you wanted to die at points today. You definitely matter and you are not alone. I am pleased to see that you have posted here today and that you are getting kind supportive replies.

Its great to see that you are posting regularly on this thread and reaching out to others for support when times are difficult.

Please know that you can call us on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or the Netline for a conversation one-to-one with an adviser anytime. Alternatively you could also consider speaking to the Samaritans on 116 123.

Best Wishes

Forum Admin

Sometimes I can't believe that anyone cares if I'm alive or not.

I know I matter but I don't expect other people to recognise that. 

I've hardly slept. Things whirring round in my head. 

The friends partner, I met him first. He said the weirdest thing to me the other day, when I was on my way to work. I felt very fragile and I said "I am going to try really hard not to..." and he finished my sentence off for me. I was going to say "get fired today". He said "kill yourself?" "well, if that's what you want, I'll fully support you with that". It's stuff like this, that makes me scared of people.

It didn't really sink in at the time. He said it so casually and I said "I'm scared of you" kind of joking along but kind of serious as well. 

I don't know what is the matter with people. I start thinking does everyone want me to kill myself? It made me feel paranoid.

I can guarantee 100% I do not want you to do what you mentioned above or even think about it for that matter, working on not getting fired sounds a better plan.

thanks, people who have commented

it's just such a drain on energy, fielding other people's meanness. I want to be doing positive things to help other beings, not hiding in my house weeping for hours.

I'm doing a bit better today but still a bit weepy. I've managed to get down to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. Hoping to go to a music circle tonight, if I'm up to it. 

Dear Freda,

Just to reiterate what others have said, it's great that you are posting and we'd like to support you in any way we can.

If you want to talk further at all please do contact the helpline on 0808 8020 133 or via our netline available every day from 8.00am until midnight.

Wishing you all the very best,

Forum Admim

The depth of the realisations I'm having lately are just blowing me away. 

"Friend" reached out last night and we spoke and it became quickly apparent that she has been projecting her own shame onto me for a very long time. I have a tendency to doubt myself, so I have basically been doing somersaults and backflips trying to convince myself that I am the problem and the ways in which she criticises me are fair and just. To try and cope with the situation. She really is just very deeply shame-based and I've been feeling ashamed of myself rather than asking her to take responsibility for her lack of respect for me. 

The reason I haven't become angry and cut all ties with her before now, is because I can see that all of her unkind behaviour is the shame she feels. She hasn't got a nasty bone in her body but the things she says to me are disrespectful and upsetting. People project onto me and I take responsibility for my part in it but because they feel so much shame they can't own their share of the responsibility and the terms and agreements of the relationship are basically take on board my shame so I don't have to feel it or we will not get along.

I couldn't give a flying f**k if this makes no sense to anyone else or sounds delusionally narcissistic. I get it now. When you realise how amazing and accurate your own intuition is, it makes you aware of people projecting their fear, shame, disgust -- whatever onto you. If you have love for yourself, you don't accept this and ask them to take it back and own it. When they refuse because it's too scary to own it, they tell you off and put you down because their ego can't handle your laser insight. 

It's just huge, basically, what I have realised. It is not my fault that many of the relationships I've had have had to come to an end because I couldn't be their punchbag for everything they hated about themselves. When I've set down reasonable, appropriate boundaries, they've reacted very strongly, angrily often and I've had to ignore my own boundaries in order to maintain the relationship. It just makes about a 1000% sense and feels like a ton weight has lifted. 

The reason I struggle to trust myself with it, these days is because it only happens with the most beautiful of people - where literally their ONLY fault is the shame they project onto me. So of course I'm going to wonder if it's just me that's the problem. If someone basically acts like Jesus 98% of the time but then oversteps your boundaries saying hurtful and abusive things that are not reasonable or justified, of course you're going to feel a bit unreasonable to take the measure of "I can't have a relationship with them because they violate my boundaries". It seems like you're rejecting the most lovely people in the whole world. I have a tendency to be afraid that my boundaries are not reasonable because I was emotionally abused by my parents and then shamed for having a natural child's reaction - rage. 

Oh, for crying out loud, it feels like I've discovered the meaning of life. That's how big the insight is. People say they don't think you're being reasonable because they don't love themselves therefore they wouldn't take the self-loving action of having these firm, non-negotiable boundaries. They give up their boundaries because they don't love and trust themselves and resent you for having the strength to trust yourself that your boundaries are fine and healthy. 

If your boundaries were appropriate and healthy, they would be forced to look at themselves and take responsibility for their behaviour and their own shame and projections.

It feels like taking ayahuasca and disovering the meaning of life - but I'm doing it sober, hahaha!

I'm off sick from work atm as well. Anxiety. They've been cutting staff and taking the pish.

I've a lovely manager. Spoke to him today and he has said adjustments can be made for me. He's protecting me from the maddest aspects of the pish taking.

life is good, if not a rollercoaster ride.

Hiya...

Work is a better place when you have a manager that cares

As for life I'd rather it wasn't a rollercoaster ride. I'd be quite happy sitting on the steam train trundling along.

Thoughts are with you.. S.A x

Out with the friend today and decided to sit back and be a little more of an observer. Man, does she constantly do the things she accuses me of. It was really quite comical. Isn't heightened awareness of the BS of others a funny old thing? 

Have reached a place of not really giving a flying floof what she thinks of me anymore, am no longer as affected by her behaviour as a result. I will see less of her than I used to and I will keep my thoughts to myself now I know she twists it and bashes me over the head with it.

Do you know the realisation I made? I thought, it must be me because even really popular nice people end up falling out with me but what I realised was, no, it's because almost everyone is a little bit flooked up, that's why problems arise.

I trust myself so much more now.

Haha! New level. Bring it!

Hi Freda,

Sounds like a lot of progress has been made in connection with yourself and rediscovering the true you. As you say it's almost a reborn sensation. Seeing others in different light oppose to what they present huh.

This is indeed massive. 

Hope work provides you with some support. Enough to come back and do your thing without internal pressures. 

We can hope.

Look after you

S&B xx

Thanks, S&B X

I'm going back to work today. Just a 4 hour shift. My manager has been really lovely about things and has promised to keep me away from the stressful area. 

I feel lethargic and vulnerable today, still struggling with hormonal problems, but I'll focus on what needs to be done, for those 4 hours and then repeat.

I've been doing gratitude lists again. I have a lot to be grateful for.

Oh, man. I get through the day by indulging in silly fantasies in my head, sometimes.

I had to have a return to work meeting with my boss. I have a problem with swooning for the rescuers, the ones who keep me safe from the big, bad world. We work for a poopy company, they are cost-cutting as are most. The staff are spread thinner and thinner. It is stressful. I told him I thought he was a great manager considering the chaos he has to work with. We got off topic quite a bit, talked about life. We discovered we went to the same school. I realised he is a lot younger than me. He thought I was his age, I think. When I told him I was 40 his jaw scraped the floor and he literally said "f*&k off!" he wasn't flirting, it was genuine surprise. Well, I think he was flirting a little but not with my age. He looks my age! He has worked for this company since he was 18! Says a lot.

Anyway, why am I describing all of this? Just highlighting a lot of my vulnerabilities. Character flaws. I don't fancy him but I'm drawn to his energy. The holes in my ego wanting me to be his favourite, enjoying feeling special, spending time with the boss, getting attention. Wanting to see him as my hero. We do flirt with each other. There is a "crackle". No way would I go there. I just enjoy the exchanges, the crackles, the flirtation. He's a good man, he does his best by people. I admire that. Maybe it helps me deal with the environment, to have crushes on people.

I'm just reminded of how lonely I feel and how intoxicating a little bit of attention is to me. I felt tense when I finished work. I managed to drive home and have had a big glass of gin.

These are challenging times.

Another stressful day at work. More flirting with the boss, like a naughty monkey.