Going to keep this thread now!

So much flirting with the boss again! Ooops!

lol.... enjoy those happy hormones 🙂

Thanks, SA

Well, after a slightly better day yesterday, I really struggled with strong anxiety today. I feel worn out and weepy. People at work have been really kind but it is just so hectic now. 

Day off tomorrow, hopefully a break will help.

Hi... just out of curiosity. Do you take meds to help you managed your emotions?. if so do they help? I can't decide whether to take meds seriously or not. Part of me thinks that the pharmaceutical companies just pump these drugs out to make a profit and the doctors are given incentives to do exactly the same.

I hope you enjoyed your day off yesterday and felt more relaxed and on a level.

hi SA,

To be perfectly honest, I think they do nothing but dope you up a bit. Numb you. Now, I know it's got huge potential for addiction, but I would much rather be medication free on a day to day basis and have Valium on the 2 to 3 days a month where I might struggle. To me, this would be better - actually, an overhaul of society and decent employment conditions would be better.... but saving that - a Valium on a bad day. For some reason, it's better to be mildly numbed every day for the past 20 years. I can't get off the anti-depressants - but that's NOT an addiction problem according to doctors. Follow that, if you can.

We need dignity, purpose, stability, connection. Those are the medicines that work. Sadly, a society has emerged where few of us have this, so we're all popping pills.

Did anyone ever see the viral video of the kid who was off his face on dental drugs? It was called David after dentist. He looked far away with a confused look on his face and said "is this real life?!"

That is somewhat how I feel. Things just get stranger and stranger. I watched my friend scan her face with a mobile phone tonight, for the home office, because she was born in Germany. Just bizarre and degrading. The second world war is only just out of living memory but it seems we have learned little from history.

I feel this rebellious sort of "who cares?" attitude to life, now. Not in a way that makes me want to gamble. I don't want to destroy myself, the government are doing a good enough job of trying to destroy working class people as it is. 24 years since I got my first job and things have regressed. Fewer jobs, harsher workloads and pressure. So it creates this "I can't take it seriously anymore" attitude. It's a way of taking power back. Thinking, if you're gonna destroy me, you're gonna destroy me, I'm not going to sit and wring my hands over it. Do what you will, I'm having a beer. Acceptance. Letting go. I can't be bothered to interact with the illusion we live in freedom and democracy anymore. I'm not playing and you can't make me!

Hiya... well if we don 't Brexit then that's the end of democracy in my opinion. Mp's are supposed to represent the people and the decisions of the people, not fight tooth and nail to reverse the will of the people. And as you suggest the gap between the rich and the poor getting ever larger, inequality getting ever larger, ordinary folk feeling ever more pressure and stress, mental illness on the rise etc etc.

Hope you enjoyed your beer! 😉

Posted by: freda

Did anyone ever see the viral video of the kid who was off his face on dental drugs? It was called David after dentist. He looked far away with a confused look on his face and said "is this real life?!"

That is somewhat how I feel. Things just get stranger and stranger. I watched my friend scan her face with a mobile phone tonight, for the home office, because she was born in Germany. Just bizarre and degrading. The second world war is only just out of living memory but it seems we have learned little from history.

I feel this rebellious sort of "who cares?" attitude to life, now. Not in a way that makes me want to gamble. I don't want to destroy myself, the government are doing a good enough job of trying to destroy working class people as it is. 24 years since I got my first job and things have regressed. Fewer jobs, harsher workloads and pressure. So it creates this "I can't take it seriously anymore" attitude. It's a way of taking power back. Thinking, if you're gonna destroy me, you're gonna destroy me, I'm not going to sit and wring my hands over it. Do what you will, I'm having a beer. Acceptance. Letting go. I can't be bothered to interact with the illusion we live in freedom and democracy anymore. I'm not playing and you can't make me!

I helped an 86 year old Italian to scan her face and register under the new Scheme.

Been here since 1961. Married to a Brit husband who fought in war. 

Her application didn’t go through - she’s long retired so no evidence of being here with hmrc.

struggling now to ‘prove’ she’s been here now. Even though she’s lived here continuously for 58 years.

shes was very confused about why she has to do this. ‘It’s just not very nice’, she said.

Thanks SA, cardhue 🙂

It's utter madness and yes, "not very nice". 

Onto my day 3 of 3 off and feeling a lot better in terms of anxiety levels. Back to the coalface tomorrow.

Well, apart from finding it very tiring, work was fine.

You know what has happened, though? My sense of feeling safe and like I can cope has been jostled. And when those feelings surface, so addiction tends to. Oh, boy did it surface! I have blown about £600 over the past couple of days. If the filter deletes the amount, it's a LOT. Mid to high hundreds.

Just a waste. Would have been far more logical to overpay that amount off my mortgage balance. This addiction is anything but logical, though!

I also definitely have a crush on my manager now, as well, which is so embarrassing. Anyone who shows me a little bit of kindness and I want to hold their hand. Cringey. 

On the plus side, I just dropped my phone in the bath while I was in it and didn't get electrocuted. 

Oh dear Freda...im definitely not full ticket because last two comments got me on the floor in pieces (shamed to admit..i was laughing).

Forst things first - gambling = disaster! How did you manage to gamble? any blocks on your devices? C'mon girl....we both know where it will leas us eventually. In the last fee months my gambling brought me to my knees! ..few k down and its truly a crying matter.

Now....bahh..those crushes huh..and flirting. Never understood it lol. I have a crush on colleague too. By some kind of miracle he changed shifts and i do  believe its for the better as the less i see of him, the less red flushes of embarrassment i experience....he is just like a fire dissolving my ice. I think thats the feeling i can express the best. He does flirt with me too..a lot!...or is it flirting?...saying he will chop me in pieces and send back home lol...and then adds he would offer me his bed to safe my commuting but warns that the last time he did that, the colleague got pregnant and his missus was not exactly impressed...well...thats the jokes we share anyway....and its actually true story (??)...yet, i seem to pull the bad guys! Maybe cause im a bad girl..who knows..

Im sticking to scouts now...lol..no more needs to be said and no need to read between the lines!

Oh no! Not electrocution!..glad youre well but on a plus side if worse happens (not necessary death) those boys in uniforms and hoses (water lol)are truly helpful and also fit to let your eyes go wild..lol..just saying..

Not drunk...just tired.

I do hope and wish you all the best. Stay away from gambling! Save your life & enjoy a bit of the "forbidden" stuff with flirting. Whatever helps you..we are all guilty with that as charged!

Blessings

S&B xx

haha! what an amazing post 🙂

Yeah, I fitted a bet blocker app and then 5 minutes later dropped the phone in the bath anyway!

I think I enjoy the flirting and furtive glances more than real life. It's some of the best bits of dating without the bad bits. I don't think he has a partner. I wouldn't flirt, if so. 

I just want someone to get hygge-y with. Which I learned last week is pronounced "hoo-gee". I prefer "higgy". Cuddling watching Netflix is all I want. It's so funny the urges you get when you have a crush. I really want to give him a back rub, hahaha! 

My colleagues have been really sweet. Giving me hugs and checking in on me. I've started crying writing that. Just missing love, do you know what I mean? Just people caring. 

I'm doing one of my famous gratitude lists, cos it's good for my health

1) went into chat for the first time in ages tonight and it was good, it raised my spirits

2) I'm grateful for my cat, she is the most loving little being - she thinks I'm ace.

3) I'm grateful for my lovely manager, even if it's made me develop a crush on him and want to rub his shoulders, haha.

4) I'm grateful to be breaking old patterns that are not good for me - I stopped replying to a really nice man I got in touch with on Tinder because he was really needy and it was getting on my wick. Thing is, in the past, I would have persevered because he was being so nice but now I understand that someone that OTT is not emotionally healthy. He wouldn't just wait for me to reply, I'd sometimes get 4 messages. It was sort of desperate. Not a good sign when we hadn't even met.

5) I'm grateful to have had a better couple of days at work where I've felt more my old self. 

6) I'm grateful for flirting - it gives you a bit dopamine!

7) I'm grateful the hormonal problems I was having seem to have eased a bit.

8) I'm grateful for the kindness people have shown me over the past few days.

9) I'm grateful for services like netline and the Samaritans. There is always someone to talk to.

10) I'm grateful for having a day off work. I have just cried and gambled and dossed about but I did need to hide from the world today, I think. Shame about the gambling.

Thats the thing about gambling. Its like an old pair of slippers... you just slip back into them... you just slip back into gambling. I remember when i gambled again after a long stretch of not gambling it felt like i'd never been away, old habits and patterns renewed in an instant. Sounds like your gambling event is a lapse rather than a relapse

I occasionally do a gratitude list. Its a good thing to do. I enjoyed reading yours.

always listening to.. S.A 

thanks 🙂

Well, I gambled again the next day because the blocker I'd installed on my phone wasn't working. I mean, I gambled because I'm a compulsive gambler but you know what I mean.

It seems to be working properly now, thankfully. 

I have been having a right big cry and express of pain tonight. I have been feeling paranoid and insecure around people since my best mate told me all the things she was judging me for. Feel better for it now.

I'm obsessing over my boss. It's like I have to obsess over something. I really have a crush on him. I want to put my hand on his chest. I really want to hug him too. It's so self-destructive. Wanting to f***k your boss. I'm too old for this sheeeet.

I really like thinking about it and talking about it though. It makes me feel happy and it's better for me than gambling. I don't even know for sure that he's single. I want to stroke his beard. Oh, my.