Going to keep this thread now!

Got really bad beer fear today.

Went pretty badly last night! Found out boss is seeing someone else and felt a bit disappointed but just stayed out of his way. Made me feel lonelier though and the party didn't have a very good atmosphere, so I started drinking very heavily. Late on in the evening, he came over to talk to me. Had to talk into each other's ears as it was loud. Couldn't really hear what he was saying but was so drunk by this point. I said to him "how's Amy?" - the woman he's seeing but it's meant to be secret - and he stormed off. Later on at home, feeling drunk and belligerent, I unfriended him on Facebook. I am cringeing. Can't undo it. 

The party was in the same room as I had my wedding party, just to make me feel even worse. Last time I was there, I was wearing my wedding dress. I'm now divorced, after my husband left me for another woman, just to put that into context.

Hey Freda, that must have been really difficult, so sorry. The works party will blow over. One day you will be able to trust again. Take care x

Spent some time messaging some of the women from work last night and feel a bit better. Don't think it's going to be that big of a deal.

As for the boss. What did I really do? Talk about something he didn't want to talk about. Big deal. I was drunk and tactless - who hasn't been?! If he mentions anything about Facebook, I can just say I didn't realise and don't remember doing it. 

With my rude friend, there's always truth in what she says, she is just blunt and unkind with it. The one truthful, wise, thing she did say, was "I don't think those people are very good for you". I agree with her. They are not the only ones who are not good for me. 

I still feel a bit fragile but I'm just going to keep my head down and stick with friends who are nice to me. I honestly think an awful lot of people are messed up, these days and can be quite rude or unhealthy to the people around them. I feel lonely at times but I don't think it's a symptom of me being unlikeable, I just think I'm sensitive and need to be around kind people. 

I'm going to continue putting my energy into myself, building up my self-confidence and getting fitter and losing weight. This is holding me back from feeling "safe" being vulnerable and getting into a relationship. I want good things for myself.

I'm going to be especially careful today, as this is when I can have impulses to gamble.

Please don't gamble freda.. Come into chat today and be your lovely self.. 

Let go of the party.. Just a daft seasonal night out. We've all had them 

Take care.. Boo x

Hi Freda, reading  your diary has brought a smile to my face. Lovely to see you thinking about you. Keep it going. 

Thanks, guys.

I will try to get into chat later. I feel quite positive, as I've been proactive and arranged to change my mortgage deal to extend the fixed rate term. Worrying about money is a big trigger for me and I'm very concerned that the Tories might get in again. If they do, I currently only have 1 year left of a fixed rate and I don't trust them not to hike up the interest rates. I feel much safer having a fixed rate that can't go up during that time.

It has been a funny decision to make because there is a £640 early repayment charge to pay, if I change the mortgage now - if I waited another month, that would be halved. That would be after the election, though. The same interest rates and deals may not be available after the election. So the timing is very tight and it's a shame that waiting 2 or 3 weeks more, could save me 3 hundred quid. 

However, feeling safe, for me, is EVERYTHING! and it's a small price to pay, for an extra 2 years of guaranteed safety. I recently wasted over a grand on gambling. That was a real waste, not an investment in safety, like this is.

Just checked the work message board online and main boss is on holiday this week, so I don't even have to see him tomorrow! I get to deal with his lovely, engaged-to-another-man, deputy! So no chance of ANY of those issues with him, lol. Can't believe some of the words that are censored on here! Thank you universe! This makes things much easier for me 😀

Just posting a lot today, cos it helps. The mortgage company have persuaded me to wait until the New Year to change my mortgage product. They said it's extremely unlikely that even the Tories would hike up rates so much, so quickly, that I'd be out of pocket waiting until then.

‘Tis good to see you posting Freda!

Your energy is amazing. You are fierce in your support of people who are struggling. Like a Lioness protecting her Cubs. I hope you put the same energy into your own recovery. 

It was a joy to watch you this evening. 

Drama x

That has really touched me, Drama. Thank you so much. Beautiful words.

Kindness is magic and I got to receive plenty the other day, when I was at a low ebb. I'm of the belief that you can't control the outcome, when someone is on the edge. All you can do is offer love. It's never wasted. Always worth a try. Even if that person goes and relapses. They did their best.

We're powerful because we've been there. I've seen you be amazing too. Chat can work miracles. High five to us!

I think you would make an excellent Lioness! 🙂

I wouldn't try to eat your cubs that's for sure 🙂

Hope your having a good day x

My diary is being moderated. No point writing how I feel on it.

Not going into chat for a while. I feel angry.

Was tempted to gamble today but didn't. 

Gamcare have asked if they can talk to me on the phone about why I'm under moderation but I don't want to deal with the anger, if I feel like they are not giving a proper reason. I literally have no idea what I said that was unacceptable, in chat. 

I've lost trust in them.

I dreamed I was gambling, last night. This often pre-empts a lapse, so I will be very careful over the next few days. I have a few days off work from tomorrow, so I will go to the gym every day to get my natural high.