I think it's time to start a little diary to aid my recovery (yuk not sure I like that word- recovery- ouch it hits home that it's a problem). I joined around the 18th January and have gambled twice since then, that's a big step on it's own, only twice, twice too many. Once was a bonus and once last Friday with a small amount of money, the small amount I deposited, lost, then deposited, then lost, then....o*g I actually stopped and left enough to cover my direct debits. That was a step in itself. Today I have a little money left in my account (I say money but I'm in a £2k overdraft). Tomorrow I get money in my account so tomorrow will be a challenge for me. My plan is to clear the overdraft, that's the first step. There's so much more I need to do and that will come in time, tackle 1 challenge at a time. The overdraft is a little hill, once I do that there's a bit of a mountain to climb but I want to do this now.
Hi Firststep and that is what you have done and it's the hardest step to make. So well done on that.
What have you put in place to make sure tomorrow is different and the money that hits you bank won't end in the bookies account?
Unfortunately will power alone won't cut in the early days. I'm sure you have seen around the forum about the triangle which you need to keep broken. Other things I did was tell people around me which was a great relief and made it impossible to go behind people's backs as they had a Their eye on me as well as control of my finances. I also started a diary like you and read lots of diaries on her and picked up tips. I go to GA that might be worth considering and they is the option of free counselling from Gamcare.
Keep us upto date on how and what your doing and the guys and girls on here will give you support and advice.
KTF
Hello firststep
Great to see you start a diary.
I've read your posts around the forum. Think you're aware of what needs to be done.
Wishing you well for today and beyond.
I've found keeping busy crucial. Try to stay busy or close to the forum today to keep your mind occupied.
We're here to support you.
Best wishes
Glint
Thank you Oldham and Glint for your comments. I've checked my online banking and yes I have money today (I've went weeks without) I'm very adapt at hiding it, my partner isn't daft he must have noticed. I've got K9 installed. I've came here this morning, that's got to be a positive in itself. This is one of my days off so it can be hard, a day off with money in the bank, normally I would be online slots all day then come 3pm think where has my day gone.
Today....drop the kids at school, go to the gym (I'm starting a membership today), after the gym then a swim and sauna, can't remember last time I done that. Then I'm going to put petrol in my car (I've been running it on fumes), lunch then I'm grabbing study stuff to take to the library, then It's time to pick up the kids, come home, wee tidy, make hubby dinner when he comes home.
I actually have tears in my eyes typing this, it's so bloody normal and makes me smile so hard. Had I forgotton 'normal'.
I'm going to do this today I'm going to be strong. When weakness creeps in I'm coming here, just like I just did. Your support means a lot. Thank you.
Hey. ..remembered it was your payday today...so thought i would pop over and say ....you can do it girl...keep that cash safe...don't give it to them darn slots....so pleased to read you have a lovely day to look forward to....enjoy...and at3pm pat yourself on your shoulder and shout im a winner xxxx
Hi Firstep , It's a great feeling when a bit of " normality " returns to our life and it doesn't have to be a big thing either ! Well done your doing great and enjoy your normal day ! Best wishes Alan
Had an excellent day yesterday, infact I was buzzing from it, felt fantastic. I done the gym, the swim, the sauna. I came home for lunch then decided not to go to the library. I felt strong enough to be in the house and not to gamble. I thought about it, I'm not saying that yesterday was easy by any stretch of the imagination. I have K9 installed, that's good, I kept thinking about an account I have which I'm VIP, I was thinking of a 50% deposit bonus they have for me, was thinking just stick down £100, they'll give you £50 in a few days, you'll be fine. Do you know what got the thought out my head? something I read on here....
The money you can get back (ie through saving) you can never get back the time. That was so true, I wasn't giving it my money and I was especially not giving it my time. So I just tidied the house, I ironed clothes for the kids coming back from school (I realised that so many times before they would be home from school and I'd say 'go and get changed' 'but Mum, there's no clothes ready' I'd say 'just take them out the drawer, you're not going out'. I was embarrassed by that realisation, too busy previously playing slots so would tell them just to wear wrinkled clothes). God, how horrible does that sound. So yesterday we went to the shops from school and then bought some sweets, came home got changed and played. I thought, they've got their mum back.
So this morning I thought about gambling, it seemed harder than yesterday. I came here not knowing what I was going to type but in typing this it's my message to me ....don't do it, look at what you have just said, if that's not a reason not to gamble then what is. LOL, twice I've had tears typing on here, I never cry. Now I'm going to go read some other stories, the successes and the trials, they always help.
Amazing day for you...well done...I know what you mean...I spent years cutting corners with the home life....no more....we will get the old is back....another thing those dam slots stole xx
Loxxie honey you're a better person than I am. Through boredom I gambled today, £50 on, lost it, another £50, won up to £120, lost it, £50 on another site, lost it, £100 on another site, took it to £250, thought, that's my money back, lost it, another £100 on, lost it, £100 on another site lost it, £450 gone in under 2 hrs. Feeling disgusted with myself and need to have a good think about things. 🙁
Ooh first step...I am not a better person than you....slip ups can happen at anytime to any of us...I've got blocks on all sites so couldn't play even if I wanted to....and now I've accepted that I don't actually want to play...but that could change at anytime....please don't beaat yourself up my love....we are all on a tough old journey and any of us can trip at any stage....try to learn from it...maybe get the blocks in place....brush yourself off and stray again....take care sweet...xxxx
Thank you Loxxie for your kind words. You are correct, my blocks in place weren't enough. I have some prepayed tickets in play for bingo but tomorrow I'm going to phone round and close my accounts. It's good the ones that you can do it online but some sites don't make it that easy so I will live chat or phone them. I'll get there. x
Yes you will get there love...one day at a time...I can't tell you how much better I feel after just 20 something days....I'm sure I will have many a wobble in the time to come...but knowing I can't play is a wonderfull security blanket....don't get me wrong...I often think...blimey I'm skint this week....if I was to play slots I could make it more...lol...what a joke that is....at least what cash I have got is now being used for what it should be used for...ok ...so it will take a while to clear some debts...but least they are not getting bigger and babs Windsor having none of it lol....any way...it's your recovery love...so do it hows best for you xx
So Ive just been telephoning, live chat and stuff, closed down 4 accounts, feels good. Was a bit of a long process so a couple I've hit 6 week cool offs but will go and close them later. Today is day 1 and I feel stronger after my wobble. Got some good advice on live chat last night and if I'm feeling tempted like I was on Saturday I will call gamcare. Only day 1 but feeling positive.
Well done...feels great when you've done it....and so far for me....because I know I can't....I'm not tempted...long may it continue xxx
Day 2 and feeling much better for closing accounts. Got an added bonus of a night out (end of month) so determined not to gamble so I can go enjoy my night (too many social engagements cancelled through to lack of funds last minute). Had a last minute invite out on Saturday and although I'd gambled I was so glad I didn't gamble it all as it would have been another 'thanks but no thanks'. Gave me an extra reminder on staying on track with this. Want my life back.
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