Ground zero

Utterly depressed and beating myself up. Just threw away 500 GBP on horse racing. This must stop now. So angry with myself. Tomorrow will be the new day one. I'm going to spend the rest of the day putting barriers in place. I need to treat myself like a prisoner.

I have beaten myself up, whipped myself into order and am going to go to bed now. The only blessing tonight is another hour in bed. Tomorrow will be a new day. I need absolute financial discipline. I also need to become more patient and enjoy each day as it comes rather than expecting constant excitement. There is more to life than sitting on my computer placing bets. I have a wife and will soon have a child. I need to concentrate on my family and our future. I cannot let my family suffer through my gambling problems. My debts will pay themselves off in time but only through financial discipline and patience. I need to change my character and that will take time but if I can become a more relaxed, patient and disciplined person, that will be a big achievement. At the moment, I am impatient and always lusting after immediate gratification (the downfall of my betting). This simply must stop and I must change.

Good day today. No gambling. Still annoyed about yesterday's blip. I simply threw money away and have dented my debt repayment plan. Still, I need to learn from it. More discipline is required and I need to keep my finances on a much tighter rein from now on.

No gambling today. I was very busy at work during the day and went to a concert this evening with a friend. I'm writing this month off as it has been largely unsuccessful.

No gambling today. I am very busy at work at the moment and have limited funds available so am tired and frustrated but I have several blocks in place to prevent gambling becoming a possibility. I have numerous bills to pay this month and am already overdrawn so not feeling too good. I need to keep my finances on a tight rein and must squeeze every penny from now on.

Hi Pelle

Ive just read through your diary from start to finish. I just made my first post earlier and my story is on it, im 29 as well with the same problem but slots and poker not racing.

I have told my gf about my addiction recently, which helped alot....but didnt stop the problem after a period of recovery which was around 2 months

Im just like you, everyday i say im NOT going to do it, i DONT want to do it....but then i think of my debts...and how i need to clear them now or ill ALWAYS be thinking about them

I have over 16k of credit card debts that are in a debt management plan which i pay off at 140 a month for about a trillion years.

I also have other debts to friends and work etc

Im not going to say do this or do that, i dont know how to get off it, im going to start a diary and try

But maybe we can read each others struggles and somehow make a breakthrough into stopping....cause lets be honest, we would LOVE to be able to gamble responsbily......cause its funa nd we love it....but we cant, cause we cant stop, even when winning

We have to admit we just cant gamble...thats so hard to do isnt it?

d**n. d**n. d**n.

I'm afraid my frustration at work and worries about money got the better of me today and I lost almost all the remaining money in my bank account thinking I could win some money back on the horses. What a foolish idea. I am totally stuffed until the next pay day with £100 to last me the next twenty days. I am very upset. I saw the money slip away and when the last horse lost by a head, I just thought 'no more; enough is enough'. I am not going to stake my future and my family on the result of a horse race. Yes, I find horse racing exciting, but I cannot continue to live like this. As has been said by many people before me: I cannot win because I cannot stop. I have been in 'profit' so many times during periods of betting but simply ploughed the money back into other races and lost it all and more and more and more. It's a repeating pattern and it is going to stop NOW. I have self-excluded myself from the one remaining online account I had and this is the final barrier in place. I admit I had left this door adjar before and I feel a fool about it. Anyway, all doors to the bookmakers are firmly shut in my face as I am now self-excluded from all of them.

I am not at all happy with my debt situation but it can only improve with no more out-of-control gambling. This month is going to be a real struggle and next month will be hard with all the expenses that Christmas brings. However, come the new year, I hope things will gradually improve.

For my own future reference, this is how my debts stand (all are gambling related):

£7,500 personal loan

£3,500 credit card balance (maxed-out)

£1,900 overdrawn on my current account (with a £2,000 limit).

In total, I will be £13,000 in debt by the time I reach pay day (the final £100 in my current account needs to cover several bills). I have no further funds available and I feel like I have reached rock bottom: next-to-no money available and I feel sick, tired and depressed. I am not angry; I just feel empty and worried about the future. Still, self-exclusion was the right thing to do and I wish I had done it sooner.

Tomorrow will be a new start and a new Day 1. I am not going back to gambling and I am going to beat this addiction. I will write on here every day where possible and I hope you can support me.

Bad news about today Pelle but hey, we have all been there!

That loan and the credit card....do you still make monthly payments on them, like crazy monthly payments or are they joined into a debt management plan where you just pay a one off payment each month to a debt company to look after them and freeze the interest for you?

If you dont you should

I have 2 maxed out credit cards (both 5.5k limits) and one 3,300 loan that are all interest frozen and i pay £140 a month to a debt management company to look after them

Yes ill be paying that 140 for about ten years but id rather pay it than deal with the interest and massive repayments

I can recommend the one i use if you dont use one, its not an IVA so thats good.

Im on day 3, your on day 1...lets stick too our promises!

Good luck

Thanks for your message. No, I don't have a debt management plan. I'm not sure I would be entitled to one either as I am not unemployed and my debt repayments are still just about within my means although I am wasting money on interest each month. I don't want to default on any of my debts so am just trying to keep up with the payments at the moment to keep my credit rating in reasonable shape. For now, I just want to get some gamble-free days under my belt and then gradually turn my attention to hammering my debts. I may try to take on some more work in the evenings or at weekends. I am concerned about the rest of this month as have only 100 available to last twenty days. I need to cycle to and from work every day and eat the bare minimum for lunch: I'll probably have to make do with a bag of apples and some bananas for the next couple of weeks at least. It's all my fault I'm in this mess so I am having to face the consequences day-after-day, week-after-week, month-after-month.

I can understand you wanting to protect your credit rating, mines absolutely shot so a debt management plan works well for me.

Im employed and have been for 7 years and i still got one, the compnay i use are happy enough to lets say exaggerate my outgoings so i dont have to pay more than 140 a month, its in their best interest cause they get their cut and the credit cards and loans get their minimum payment as well, so it suits to help free up some money for me.

As for having 100 for 20 days...i dont know much about your life and your outgoings but if your bills have been paid and you have 100 to yourself for 20 days you can definately make it!!

I have lost count of the times i have had 80-100 for the last 20 days of the month and constantly thought....this isnt enough..... and gambled to get more and lost it all

Then the RATIONAL side of me goes home depressed...thinks about the 100 i had and realises that 100 was MORE than enough for me to get by for 20 days and i wish i had it back

We only work this out when its too late usually!

So skimp and bit and you can def make it last and i bet with 5 days to go youll have about £20 of it left!

🙂

The idea of £100 lasting twenty days seems alien to me as I've been used to losing £1,000 on a two-minute horse race. The value of money will take time to return. In the short-term, I need a hair cut, I need to pay a National Insurance bill and I need to buy food for my fridge. Hopefully I will get through until pay day. Good luck with your recovery, Ryan. We're in a similiar position so let's stick together and beat this expensive and sickening addiction for good.

Sounds good to me Pelle

At the end of the day during my poker days i was playing with over 6k at a table so 100 does seem like buttons

But when we dont have 100 it seems like a fortune

You have it, spend it wisely and remember....Asda is cheaper than Tescos 😉

This morning has really dragged at work and the afternoon will be even slower as I'm working until 6pm today. Still, no real urges to gamble so far. I am happy that I self-excluded yesterday as it prevents me from even trying to place a bet. I cycled to work this morning and will cycle home this evening. I am being taken out for lunch today so that is another saving. I need to get my hair cut tomorrow if possible as I don't think it can wait much longer. I really need to take my bicycle to be serviced and I need a new bike lock but the combined cost of this is likely to be £150 and I cannot afford that at the moment. It may even have to wait until the new year. I considered restructuring my NatWest personal loan yesterday in order to pay off my credit card and overdraft but I now think that might be unwise and certainly shouldn't be undertaken in the heat of the moment. I will give it some further thought over the weekend. Here's to a gamble-free afternoon!

Can anyone recommend a GA class in Central London? I really think this would help my recovery. I feel very lonely sometimes and feel this support may help me.

Day 1: no gambling today.