Ground zero

I am back and in a complete mess financially, mentally and physically. I do not want to dwell on what has happened, but I have managed to rack up 20k of gambling debts (culminating this evening) and feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.

I could not win because I could not stop. The only solution is to stop gambling forever. I managed over 400 days without gambling between November 2011 and January 2013 so it is possible, but my debts are higher this time and I have a lot more expenses so it is going to take a lot of will power and self-discipline to get through this. There is no light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.

I am not looking forward to Christmas at all this year as I cannot afford any presents and I have the raw pain of my gambling losses cursing through my body. I have not told my wife because, once again, she is pregnant and has hypertension. I cannot afford to make her more stressed than she already is. I am toying with the idea of telling my parents although it would totally undermine the trust they have built up in me between my destructive teenage gambling years and my life as a seemingly responsible adult and father. They probably think I rid myself of gambling at the age of 18. I am now a 32-year-old compulsive gambler with crippling debts living in a cramped London flat with a second child due next summer. Perhaps it is only my parents that can help me now. If I do tell them, I will wait until after Christmas, as telling them now would ruin the next couple of weeks. I need to decide what the best course of action is and a couple of weeks of not gambling will allow me to do that.

All I can do is look forward (however hard that now seems) and start building up gamble-free days. I remember last time it had a healing effect on my body and mind. I must realise that the money has gone and I am not going to win it back. I just have to chip away at my debts slowly and methodically. When I am in a better frame of mind, I will investigate shifting my debts (which are currently interest bearing) onto some interest-free credit cards, but I am not in the right frame of mind to do that at the moment.

Day 1 starts at midnight. Looking slightly further ahead, I want to make 2015 a happy, gamble-free year not a year of depression, disappointment and failure as has been the case this year. Good luck everyone.

PS: I have just closed/excluded myself from all my active betting accounts.

Hello Pelle,

I just wanted to say 'Hello'. I'm really sorry to hear about the mess you're in. You ought to try the counselling - you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. They're very discreet and no-one need know about it. They also fit in around you time-wise. I found that just telling someone is a good way to get your thoughts ordered. From asking Gamcare to my first appointment took around 3 weeks. Will tell you more if you're interested.

Good luck

Hi Pelle,

Welcome back to the forum - like milkman I to am sorry to read about your recent troubles.

It's good that you have self-excluded from your betting accounts - it just makes placing that next bet (which is the one to avoid!) that bit more difficult. It's also good that you have decided to return to your diary and share what you've been going through.

My advice would be to concentrate on getting to the end of 2014 without placing any more bets. This may well be difficult at the moment but it CAN be done. Break the cycle now and you can go into 2015 with a bit of strength and self-belief.

All the best, keep sharing your thoughts on here if it helps.

Thank you Milkman and Paul for your comments. Yes, I think I need counselling.

As expected, I did not sleep well last night. Anyway, today is Day 1 and I intend to make it a gamble-free today. I have made it difficult for myself to gamble - accounts closed and credit cards maxed-out. I need to stay strong and keep looking forward.

I was thinking yesterday that I may ask my parents to help me (i.e. bail me out), but on reflection I think that would be unwise - I have got myself into this mess and I should be the one getting myself out of this mess. Not only would it greatly upset my parents if I told them, but the 20k noose around my neck needs to remind me that I cannot go back to gambling ever again. Even if it takes two years or more, if I pay the debt off myself, the sense of achievement will, not doubt, be so much greater than if my parents simply bail me out overnight. I think I should just do my penance and accept that it is going to be a long, uphill struggle, but if I do not turn back I will reach the summit.

Day 1: no gambling today.

It has been a long time since I last said that. It is a tiny step on a long, winding road to salvation, but it feels better than following the gambling road to perdition.

It is my last day in the office tomorrow before Christmas and I'll be pleased to see the back of it until next year. It has been a pretty awful few months at work culminating in a substandard performance review owing to one unfortunate but understandable mistake on my part (due to me being overworked and stressed), which has resulted in my pay being frozen until 2016. Clearly I could have done without that now I am staring at 20k of debts but I guess I am being kicked while I am down. I must stay strong and look forward. My priority in the morning has to be to start trying to shift as much of my debt as possible onto interest-free cards because I am going to be hammered by interest payments if not. I also want to arrange to leave my workplace pension scheme to which I am contributing 9.5 per cent. I just cannot afford it anymore and I have deep concerns with the pension system in this country anyway - it is all tied up in volatile stocks and shares administered by compulsive traders - not much different from compulsive gamblers in my opinion.

I usually love this time of year, but this Christmas is going to be particularly depressing. Next year has to be better. God help me.

Hi Pelle,

I hope you've had a productive day and managed to find some 0% deals to get your debts moved on to. I find doing such things is very helpful in the early days of recovery because it feels as if you are doing/achieving SOMETHING.

Small, regular, positive steps forward is a good way of cracking this thing. Get through the first few days. They will soon turn into weeks and then months. Then it becomes a case of not getting complacent. I'm sure you know all this but it can get forgotten if your mind has been battered from destructive gambling.

Day 2: no gambling today.

Thanks Paul. You are completely right in your comments.

I applied for four low-fee balance transfer credit cards this morning. The first three were referred pending a lending decision. I was accepted on the fourth but was only granted a limit of 4.5k. Still, it is better than nothing considering all of my existing cards are interest bearing. I have pretty much exhausted my credit options as have accounts with most other providers so I am keeping my fingers crossed for the other three applications. The only real other option is applying for a debt-consolidation loan but I am loathed to do that at this stage.

I also requested to leave my company's pension scheme in which I have no confidence and which costs me nearly 10 per cent of my annual income, which I can no longer afford. My long-term plan is to pay off my gambling debts and then build up my savings coupled with Premium Bonds and then perhaps take out a private pension when I can afford it, but that is all a long way off. For now it is one day at a time.

Hi Pellekanin,

I was sorry to read about your current problems, I followed your diary before when you were doing well, it is so easy to go down the slippery slope when it comes to gambling. I've done it plenty of times myself. Good luck with those cards, getting 0% or close balance transfers makes it easier and more productive to repay, and although you get transfer fees, you'll soon be making inroads into those debts.

Once you do start transferring balances, make sure you close the cards you have just cleared, I know from experience that the temptation of a credit limit is not a good thing. Plus, it puts you on the path to becoming a "new customer" with that card provider, meaning you can apply for the best deals (most banks will consider you a new customer after six months in my experience). Keep taking those steps in the right direction over the coming days, keep your guard high.

All the best

Ryan

Thanks for your comments, Ryan. I agree, as soon as I have balance transferred my toxic gambling debts to new credit cards, I must close down the old accounts.

The fall-out from last weekend is now becoming apparent. Bad, but not quite 20k as I first thought. Still a mess, however. For my own reference, here are where things stand in relation to my toxic gambling debts:

Halifax 3.5k
MBNA 7.5k
Post Office 3k
Tesco 3.5k
Total = 17.5k

Why do we let ourselves get into this mess? No one in my family would understand me if I told them I had this much gambling debt, which is probably the main reason I cannot tell them. I just have to deal with this on my own but am grateful for any support I get on this forum.

Day 3: no gambling today.

Day 4: no gambling today.
Day 5: no gambling today.

Day 6: no gambling today.

It has been a mixed Christmas so far - the usually family tensions have been evident, but it has been worse this year as I have been irritable and on-edge because of my secret financial misery. We are also banged up in a small London flat. I ended up confining myself to the kitchen doing endless washing up to get away from conversations involving my wife and mother. Sometimes I wish I was single and living alone. However, my lovely son keeps me going. I am sure there are plenty of people living in marriages/relationships where it is the child/children that keep the couple together. If I was not a father, I would have walked out earlier. I am not in a good place at the moment regardless of my gambling, but that has certainly made things worse as I am constantly stressed, worried and irritable. I need to see out the rest of this wretched year and then smash my way through 2015. Next Christmas has to be better.

Week 1: no gambling this week (7 days clean).

I have spent the day with my brother and his wife which has been nice and the day has been a definite improvement on yesterday. I am now one week gamble free and in a much better place than this time last week when I was deep in the grip of my sick addiction. I am intending to update my diary weekly on a Saturday from now on with occasional midweek updates when there is something important to report.

The next month is going to be spent shifting my gambling debts from old interest-bearing credit cards to new interest-free credit cards. As soon as the balance transfers are complete, I shall close down my old credit accounts. I am hoping it will be psychologically healing to rid myself of the credit cards tarnished with gambling. Even though I'll still have debts on my new cards, it will be clean and anonymous debt so will feel slightly less toxic. The challenge of paying it off bit by bit will then commence. Still, if I do not gamble my financial situation can only improve. I am looking forward to knocking this year on the head and getting my teeth into 2015. I cannot fail again. God help me.

Hi Pell,

Well done on one week of abstaining, keep going.

Suzanne xx

Thanks for your post pelle, and well done for continuing your recovery and getting back in the routine of a gamble free life,you know can do it.

Point taken about watching horse racing,it could ignite old feelings.

I enjoy watching quality horse racing,.
I enjoy hearing the so called experts get egg on there face, I couldn't sit through a 90 minute footy match- it bores me.

The sad thing is pelle,there are odds flying about whatever sport you watch- darts,snooker,half time in footy.

I've quit watching 20/20 cricket for now because it was my main betting choice, -it gave me more of a buzz.

Any premeditated bet I use to have was always undone before the event even kicked off because I would be betting on an early morning basketball game in asia,I couldn't wait.

I suppose were all works in progress in recovery, I'm aware of my dangers,I have no probs with fobts,fruit machines etc.
Sports betting was my downfall,i lost more money on basketball,tennis,volleyball and all the other rubbush you can bet on in the middle of the nite.

This mindset is helping me at the moment,because picking the winner of the 240 at kempton is irrelevant,as any winnings would be lost on a women's basketball game in Bulgaria that evening!

It all comes down to the fact I can't win cos I can't stop.

Sorry to ramble on.

Don't let your debts get you down,more often than not wanting the slate wiped clean quickly is what lures us back to gambling.
Stay strong and enjoy life.

All the best
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