Ok, let’s do this. Time for my own recovery diary.
My story... I’ve gambled since 13. Going back further, playing cards for money at my grandmother’s from an early age probably didn’t help . My brother, my cousins etc had our own money pots kept there but it was only pennies. All good harmless fun to my grandmother and family but looking back I suspect this was where I got that first rush that I so craved later in life. I always seemed to lose the most as well, oh well I can’t say the warning signs weren’t there I suppose!
Then the arcades through my troubled mid teen years, my pocket money and paper round money going in week after week. Swiftly followed by my first Saturday job and so more money would be tipped away.
Then I hit 18 and girls and going out partying just took over. A while ago now but I don’t remember gambling hardly at all for the succeeding hedonistic 4 year period.
Then, as I reached a bit of a crossroads career wise, I slipped slowly but surely back into it. The going out, girls and partying continued aplenty but the gambling increased as well which meant I was getting little sleep and it was showing. Amazingly, I managed to keep it to myself though. My group of friends were never into it and going to the amusement arcade was treated as for dropouts and losers. To this day they have no idea.
I then met a girl at just the right time as I was starting to properly go off the rails. I’d stolen, been banned from driving, even locked up at HMP for a week. She steered me back on the straight and narrow and for a few years never seriously gambled. We moved around and lived abroad for a while and it was there I started online gambling, when it was in its infancy. Not a lot but it had set me on a course of gambling which sucked money out of my accounts and pockets at a great rate of knots.
Back to the UK and it soon became the norm. Up until this point I had hidden it from everyone but one day I confessed and it was the best thing I’d done up until that point. I’d spent stupid amounts of money that we didn’t have and was at the end of my tether. She took control of everything and the gambling stopped for several years.
A good few years later though it crept back in. I let it, thinking I was able to control it, I started gambling set amounts, small amounts, and withdrawing when the balance hit certain levels. Of course that worked for a while until one day I strayed and the blueprint for the next 7 years or so was firmly set.
Hundred and hundreds of sessions, ending in thousands and thousands of pounds of losses. Countless relapses, self exclusions and the dreaded viscous cycle of misery, round and round and round.
Fast forward to today and I’m in a good place. Gamble free for a mere week but something has switched in me that hadn’t ever before. Gamstop registration has gone a long way to how I currently feel. Knowing I can’t gamble is a great feeling. There is a level of apathy with gambling that is unusual for me as well. There is no craving. I can see it very clearly for what it is.
Of course, I know full well it is not going to be like this forever. The cravings are only suppressed and will appear again at some point I’m sure, but I am so determined this time to go gamble free for good. I know how devious us GAs are when we want a fix, we find ways, work arounds. But I hope not this time. I’ve got an amazing life, earn good money through my growing business. It feels like if I don’t stop now it will go wrong beyond all repair. Possibly spectacularly wrong. I’ve done a lot of damage but it remains retrievable but there is a sort of six sense shouting at me that my time to get th is sorted is fast running out, this is my time.
I have been receiving private counselling twice monthly for quite a while and that has helped and is helping immeasurably. Probably going to keep that going for a while because one thing I have discovered over the years is that relying on my own self control is generally flawed.
I’ve gone back into exercise. Running, cycling, gym, Tri’s. This helps focus on something that is good. Although I have found previously that picking up an injury can send me back to the dark side, so I will need to be on my guard there.
Bottom line, I am hoping this will end up being THE most boring diary on here. Post after post of just “another week... another week gamble free” 🙂
So, there it is, 8 days today gamble free!
Work very busy, no time to think about gambling at the moment during the day. But it’s Friday and definitely danger zone time. Out for a few jars tonight, but am very optimistic I will not succumb to temptation. Hopefully!
9 days GF...
Well, Friday night has been and gone and Saturday night is all but over as well. No gambling, I’m a happy chap.
Probably the first real pangs of an urge today. A couple of time visualising the reels spinning, that sort of thing but nothing remotely close to me succumbing to temptation.
10 days GF
Well, Friday night has been and gone and Saturday night is all but over as well. No gambling, I’m a happy chap.
Probably the first real pangs of an urge today. A couple of time visualising the reels spinning, that sort of thing but nothing remotely close to me succumbing to temptation.
10 days GF
Oops, double post. That’s how chuffed I am obviously!
Good day today. Out on my bike for the first time in a while, 50km of pain.. Aching all over but dopamine and endorphins being put to good use at least 🙂
I’ve definitely entered a new phase in my journey to give up gambling for good. Before I was always setting dates that I was going to abstain until. In the completely mistaken belief that it would act as an incentive that would not only help with my willpower in the giving up period but also allow me a harmless gamble at the end as a reward. Having that dangling carrot and me never once completing my set gamble free period is not coincidence. I wa never seriously going to give it up with that mindset.
I used to think zero tolerance was not for me, that I could control it. Clearly I was wrong so now, for the first time, this is a zero tolerance approach. Beforehand the thought of NEVER gambling again was just a step too far. I’m over that now. Having regular access to a counsellor has been so important and now Gamstop and this forum have been instrumental in my sudden epiphany in that respect.
I am not going to gamble again and I will NOT miss it!
11 days GF
Awful day. My cat of many years has not been well and would’ve gone to the vets today had it not been BH. Stupidly I let her out and now is not coming back. Which is not like her at all. I fear the worst. I knew I shouldn’t have let her out, am so annoyed I did. This is going to be a big test of my resolve... 🙁
Hi Ukds69 - I hope your cat makes a quick and safe return safe and gets the treatment she needs from the vet. Fingers crossed she's just enjoying a bank holiday in the sun with her cat mates.
I've just read through your diary and it looks like this could be the turning point in your life where gambling finally gets the boot. Keep your resolve strong and stay true to your sentiments of not missing gambling and never gambling again.
Like you say, aim to make this THE most boring diary on the forum and it'll guarantee a happier life.
All the best
Equinox
Thanks for the kind words Equinox. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach, it looks bad. Even my 15 year old son was in tears before he went to bed. I fear the worst though for our much adored family pet.
I suppose this is an absolute prime scenario for me to find solace in a late night gambling session. Surprisingly and thankfully I have no urge to do so whatever.
12 days gf
Interesting day. The good news, the cat reappeared! Bad news, a trip to the vet revealed a growth in her abdomen and I don’t have pet insurance...
The choice was what essentially equated to palliative care or go for the full operation (enterectomy) and hospitisation. She’s a fairly elderly cat and with an estimate of £2,000 it guess it would be understandable to call it a day. But it was a no brainier. If I can throw away £2,000 on those stupid games I am not sure I could live with myself if I then turned around and refused to give my cat the best chance in its hour of need. She probably will eventually be undone by it but if I can give her another 6 months, hopefully year or two then it will all of been worth it. It may still be in vain but the op went well apparently and she is in (somewhat expensive) recovery.
13 days GF. Homing in on the 2 week mark. Feeling strong.
14 days gamble free. The 2 week mark.
I don’t WANT to gamble. I won’t gamble. Feeling good about it.
Hi Ukds69 - I'm so glad your cat returned safely and I hope the operation proves to be a long-term success.
This seems like one of those pivotal moments in life, where tough decisions are made for the better or worse ... but you're clearly making the best decisions here. Gambling, I believe, is always a fundamentally selfish and destructive action - and care for others (cats included) is the absolute polar opposite. In a condensed space of time you've found yourself facing both. It's like being at some sort of symbolic crossroads - but the gamble free road leaves you 'feeling good'. That, in really simple terms, has to be the answer.
Easier said than done, but that's the answer for all us addicts - clear as day. I don't think I've ever read a post where somebody has described their gambling (winning and loses included) as making them feel good.
Your diary hit a nerve with me - we've got 2 cats. Originally we had one cat before I forgot to shut my front door after returning from a night out (this is about 10 years ago), after which our house cat decided to do a runner. The next day, seeing my young son sobbing and heartbroken, with me feeling guilty as hell, I bought a speedy replacement. Then 2 days later cat 1 made an unexpected return. We live right in the centre of a city and our cat had never left home, so I assumed she would be gone forever - but happily she proved to be a bit of a homing pigeon.
10 years down the line, she's now a developing 'senior' cat problems and no doubt the vet bills will continue to build. But when I think of the money I've frantically thrown away to gambling, it's a joy - in comparison - to spend cash on my chilled out and loving cats.
Hi Equinox,
You are so right. Gambling is so selfish and destructive. We are perfectly aware, yet we keep on doing this to ourselves and our families. Where is the sense in that? None whatsoever of course, we can’t apply any logic to such a thing. Deep down we know where that big win is ultimately ending up, and that’s not residing nicely in our bank accounts. Yet we keep doing it...
I have found the best way is to accept we cannot ever fully rid ourselves of the desire to gamble but to hope to be able to control it by working hard, constantly, at abstaining from it.
Tough day today, very stressful. No real urges but if this was a while ago tonight I would have resorted to gambling for sure so that’s a positive point at least.
15 days gf
I do wonder if I am being tested here. Firstly with my cat. Unfortunately the news today is she that has an aggressive cancer. She is recovering well though after what was pretty major surgery, and I am still so glad to have spent the money on the op if only to spend a few extra quality weeks, hopefully months, with her.
Then work is so so busy, this week I will have been there for over 80 hours.
Being sad about my pet’s plight or wanting to de-stress after a busy workload, either of those on their own would normally have led me directly to the slots. Now I have both, in the extreme. Wow. Not easy, but am staying resolute. Dare I go as far as to say, I haven’t even seriously considered it?
Long way to go but I am getting more confident that I am now in a totally new place. I am slowly winning the battle. Screw gambling, it’s a pointless waste of time and money. I do not need it.
18 days gf
A better day today. Do I miss gambling? Nope.
I’m still awaiting my first strong urge, not happened yet. Most pleasing.
I am still trying to get to grips with why that switch went and suddenly I felt completely different about it. I put it down to a combination of...
Regular councillor sessions
Registering with GAMSTOP
Stopping becoming upset and agitated of what is already done
Accepting that stopping gambling means a zero tolerance approach
19 day
Back to work and a busy mind. No time for procrastinating and letting the gambling devil have its way.
I’m not foolish enough to think I’ve beaten this hands down, it’s currently dormant, waiting to pounce. But... i’ve Passed the cold turkey stage and feel as far away from wanting to gamble as I did neatly three weeks ago when I went GF.
Actually, thinking about it, weirdly, I didn’t really have a cold turkey phase this time around. Something has changed within me. The slow accumulative buildup of utter disdain and hatred for the parasitic industry which feeds off us, the ever increasing awareness that I will always lose, the understanding that it will bring me nothing but pure unmitigated misery, these things that I get every time I stop before relapsing once more has, I think, FINALLY become the dominant driving force over my urge to gamble.
19 days GF (thought it was 19 last post but getting a bit ahead of myself there)
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