Half-Empty

Good Luck Jim

Well the wife is still sulking with me two days on but if that's the worst of it I have got off undeservedly lightly. In lieu of a magic wand to magic away temptation, I have self-banned from the site I used recently and will be getting a bank account in two weeks that will be run by my wife. I also want to set Microsoft/similar nanny controls on my computer, anyone know how to do that? I will write more about my life in due course, writing isnt coming easy at the moment, maybe not helped by this heatwave in the UK, my dog is hating this weather and me too!

A few days on and life is returning to normal. I'm better with my wife again, the idea of gambling is abhorrent and my sense of humour is returning. I must now get more motivated, work harder and keep clean, I need my mo-jim back.

Hey Jim,

You doing well and i wish you to keep it up, it's better live out there, there is no need to gamble, just take life as it is, enjoy and get over the obsticles in your day. It will get easier and by each day passing by you will get more of yourself back..

All the best...day at a time

Sandra x

Was clean until mid-Nov, then binged until mid Dec, then clean until last night, then horrific mini binge last night and this morning. It will never end until someone else takes over my money, i realise.

More binges the last few days and today. I am now committed to putting into practice all the steps that I have been avoiding the last year or so.

1. set up bank account with wife controlling it.

2. attend monthly National gambling clinic in Soho.

3. post regularly on this webpage and others, post every day if possible.

For me there seems to be a strong desire to change but also a strong desire to fail almost. I cannot understand it and I don't think anyone ever will. I want to hate gambling but I cannot, it is such a big part of me and I cannot simply change something that is in my DNA. All I can do is suppress it by changing my habits. It's very tough and sometimes it leaves me feeling rock bottom, hopeless, worthless and despairing. Every time I feel I am managing it I am forced to accept I cannot manage it, I can only build up the barriers. I wish the UK had much stricter gaming laws and a database of (willing) excludes that all gambling establishments had to vet. It will never happen.

I dont believe that you need to hate gambling, but you do need to learn to live without it, or at least the parts of it which cause you problems.

I have lived without my problem area of gambling in the bookmakers for 7 months now, but I will always love gambling. I wish I could do it, but I cant because of my compulsive nature, I end up losing all my money.

So I have learned to live without it. It has not been easy, it has taken years, You have to not only know you need to stop and want to stop but learn to live without it. That means do other things, think about other things, you wont necessarily find anything to replace it. But you have to convince yourself that the benefits of not gambling outweigh any pleasure derived from it.

gambling is not in your DNA, gambling makes you think that way so that you never fully commit to stopping. You do not have to gamble- we fool ourselves into thinking that we enjoy it. nobody enjoys it. they just think they do because they dont want to accept that the money lost is gone for good.

You do not have to be like this. Life does not need gambling. We cannot win because we cannot stop- so why bother.

Stop now- forget what has gone before- move forward with a life you really can enjoy and your family will be proud of you.

Linda

Appreciate the last two posters comments, really well-thought and kind. But I listened and forgot. I've incurred massive losses the last few weeks and my binge frequency has increased. I have finally got myself into very serious financial difficulty this time and reached a new moral low borrowing money that wasn't mine to borrow.

I managed to find one site that would unbar me, fair play to the first site I really tried to access my old account but they stayed firm, however the second site let me straight back with unlimited deposits.

They say borderline personality cases cant change their habits, I don't think I am one but the recurrent urges never go away for long and I have always left myself just enough room to create more damage again, so what is that, partial insanity?

Depths of despair are intermingled with feelings of hope that finally NOW I will stop, but I have been posting about this for nearly four years and still haven't learnt my lesson; I now think about suicide every single day without seriously thinking I will act on it. I can see two futures- the first is bleak and could soon involve prison or worse, while the other is no money for a long time, repayments for years with nothing to show for it, but some self-respect and a real life. All of me wants to go the second way but I am completely terrified I will fall again, no matter what I do. The buck stops here, I just wish the pain would too.

Hi half

Not putting half empty or half full because you do not know the road you have to take yet

All I can say on my experience is neither roads are going to be easy

But surely the second road now is no different to the first but on the second road you are getting through

You will never win or even get your losses back on the first road it I suspect you gave your losses up while ago and know that

Takethe second road you hAve nothing to lose now

But more money despair and self respect

If you carry on on that first road

Every day you don't play you win but You know that

Take the best chance you hAve going now and that is the second roAd

That will be a gamble you can't lose on

Best Wishes Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne

Yes you're right, its got to be the second road. I've allowed all the negative stuff in my life to give me an excuse to gamble. I think boredom is a big part of it too, I feel like I need constant stimulation. If I can deal with that feeling or channel it in the right way then I feel it could be the makings of me instead of a self-destruct button.

ps great to read your thread and see your progress, keep it up!! x