After some thought......
I decided to put start my new diary by copy and pasteing the last entry of my old diary....
Yo,
This will be my last post as Dusty Fairy and also the last post I will make on this thread.
I am not leaving just feel the time has come to go through the door on this ledge (bit like rayman) and enter a new faze in my recovery.
Tomorrow I will start a new thread , under a new name and wave goodbye to Dusty Fairy who has served me so well and got me to the point were I am today. Which is a million miles away from when I started this diary 6 months ago.
My goal was not only to stop gambling but to restore my mental state which was so damaged as a consequence of my actions. I believe I have made enormous changes to the way I think about things which has made this possible to move on.
I have been on or hovering around this site for nearly 2 years, my first diary I had deleted after becoming paranoid that I had given too much information about self and had lost my amoninity. I was encouraged a couple of months later by the good folk about at the time to start another and Dusty was born , so to speak.
I have to thank firstly gamcare for this site which has given me the opportunity to turn my life around, and by god has it been turned around.
I then have to thank everyone who posts on this site because each and everyone of you have impacted positively on my recovery irrespective if you have posted on this thread or I on yours.
But of course like most on here I have people who have walked along by my side and given me support and guidance to stop me from stumbling along the way.
Ade, wp, and NT you have been with me like dear old friends from the first day I started to use this site, you are people I do and always will look upto.
Ian b and ex mug loved our early morning posts, both of you saw something in me that at times I could not see myself .
Dunc and Flagg over the last couple of months you more than one anyone managed to get me to see the positive side of my life, where as I could only see darkness. That was I believe the big turning point.
In recent weeks, Blondie , the Steg and Jon , have incredibly day after day put a smile on my face. Which has sent me off on my day in the best frame of mind I have ever been.
There are people no longer around like Castle and Cameroon that I hope are well and deserve my thanks just as much.
But there are two people who I owe a massive debt to and for totally different reasons .
Smiler you have been there for me from day one. You and I always searching for the whats next in this recovery journey. Together we will never give up, our voyage of discovery , and I know with you by my side I feel we may even begin to *** it.
Lastly Rach, my virtual sis . Emotionally you have been my rock, always there holding the rope when needed , building my self worth and getting me to see that I was not that awfull bad person I thought I was.
To you all thank you so much, you are all imprinted on my heart and no matter where my life takes me from this point I with your help feel I have built a solid foundation to continue to lay my bricks on.
My new diary will be called Harmony and my new (or not so new name) will be Shiny ( exmug never believed I should be called anything else)
The wand , wings and dust have been packed away, I no longer need to hide my true self behind my fairy persona as now I do think differently and most importantly I actually like the person I am.
Dusty xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
And the journey continues .......
This is my first entry of my new diary. For those of you who wish to read my journey thus far my last diary was called thinking differently. Now I am starting to do that it seemed apt to move on and look for some answers to the what's next...........
Gambling or not gambling has over shadowed my life for 30 years. I spent 5 years in recovery a few years back but it was in my option a recovery of fear. Fear of relapse, this imprisoned me. I locked myself away , down trodden and remorsfull. I over compensated to those around me due the guilt I felt over the way I behaved.This time it will be different.
The guilt and remorse on the whole is still there, but only just.
I refuse to let the fact that I am an addict define the rest of my life, I refuse to let the fact that I am addict stop me experiencing everything I want to for the rest of my life, but most of all I refuse to spend another day, week , or year of my life living in fear.
It has controlled me long enough, now I will take back controll.
I know I can not bet again and to be honest I really do not want to . This is not about being able to have a controlled bet, or testing myself by going to the races or bingo or anything like that. Cause I know that I can not do that.
It is about living along side the fact that I am compulsive, I am obsessive , I am who I am .
My diary is called Harmony, because my next step in my journey is learn how to live in harmony with my addictive personality, instead of it being the driving force in everything I do , or everything I think.
I do not know if this makes sense to anyone, but to me it makes perfect sense. I could have carried along the recovery road I was on, and possibly stayed on the straight and narrow for many a year to come, but it was existing rather than living. I want and need more than that.
So this will be my day one in my quest to find what some people would think of as the holy grail.
Shiny ( always thought it had an e in, but not according to my spell check ) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
morning shiny. May i be the first to welcome you and wish you from the bottom of my heart that this journey you are embarking on brings you just that "harmony" i know you have fought an incredible battle to get to this point and am emmensely proud to have been able to share in it, the light you search is there my dear friend and i do know you will reach it. Along the way i should tell you there is this bar our bar you should still pop by from time to time and maybe we will develop a "life shake" to compliment our "gamble free shake" and always be in the knowledge that through people like you gamcare is a wonderfull place because "you" make it that way. Keep on keeping on, duncs stepping forward never back. Compulsive gambler just for today no bet.
Good Morning Shiny,
Welcome to the forum!! Actually, I was thinking to myself yesterday what about my double decker?? See the selfish gambler still exists in me!
I think the first post in the new thread pretty much summed up why you are here, why this is an extremely difficult addiction to kick into touch, and why you are now Shiny.
I do not need to say a great deal more this morning you are currently in your middle and that is a pretty harmonious place for you. The appreciation for you on here is second to none really and you are the torch holder for those of us early on in recovery. We can give life a *** and we can have a pretty awesome life without gambling. It is thanks to you that I and I'm sure many others are starting to believe that!
Flagg
I'm keeping Flagg, the people that need to know Martin now know Martin if that makes sense. I like Flagg its fairly anonymous and when I'm watching one of these horror films I am not gambling. Simple concept but I always look for ways to simplify 🙂
Good morning Shiny...
Maid knocks tentitivley on the door...a flushed and beaming Gwyneth Paltrow flings it open wearing only a bedsheet
Maid: "Tis a new day madam?"
Gwynnie :"Tis a new world!"
(Shakespeare in Love)
Hello Oh Shiny One.....
Your new diary is your pledge.The one you make to yourself every day because ....Your worth it!
You are so right about Harmony....I also am coming to that acceptance that its not about being cured,erasing the past.... but walking with our flaws and damaged bits as part of us...integrating them in and accepting that.
This is why old faces are far more beautiful as they carry our history ...I like vintage bashed up leather as it feels better and more comfortable than starchy new.
Growing into our skin and feeling comfy in there....rather than running from ourselves.
Don't worry about the door...i'm not too far behind and like that film Poltergeist when the little sis says ..they're baaack" (the voices)...you can yank me through the 4th diamension into the Shiney light...
We all have invisible cords....
Well Missy I shall now go do a spot of washing as its my day off ...
big hugs and a new doo perhaps for the new you??
Love as always...unconditional
Rach and Doo xxxxx
Hello Oh Shiny one,
*Steps in and takes a look around *
"Its nice in here isnt it"
"Feels all warm and comfy".
As I said yesterday Shiny you of all people derserve this place (Harmony), i think its what we are all striving for, You dont get anything by staying stuck, by not putting the effort in, by not going through the pain so you can feel and see the light.
Your diary has and always will be a shining light guiding the way towards the safe ground, Ive come in out of the rain and Im starting to fold the washing away in a neet pile, ready to put the next lot in and see what that brings.
Someone shared last night at my meeting " Bottle that feeling and everytime you want to gamble, take the lid off". If you could bottle your diary and sell it on you would be one rich lady, but then thats just money, your rich in much more important ways.
As i said yesterday I think your amazing, and long may you shine and glow in your new found place.
I hope I can share the smiles and the glow and the laughs on this next adventure.
Glad to here your dad is ok, give him lots of loves and cuddles, I miss mine so much everyday.
Yep working from home today, lots to do, boats to build, wetsuits to prepare as i think i may be underwater this time tomorrow as this rain isnt every stopping.
Enjoy your day shiny
Blondie.
xxxxxxxx
Morning Shiney, love the new name and the new thread. By giving up gambling you've given yourself the time and space to reflect upon the true meanings in life.
From a very early age I questioned what was important in life. I knew I was going on a journey but I never knew what the ultimate destination should be. The true path is harmony, to be at peace with yourself, with the world around you and to focus on the positives, there are many. Loving yourself is truly something your not born with, you have to work upon this until you reach a discovery, an inner understanding. None of us are perfect or have acted perfectly, our quest is not to be perfect but to accept what we are, through acceptance we become better, healthier more positive. There is no room for holding onto negative emotions for too long as they consume you and will slow down your journey. No more guilt, no more frustration, regret, hatred etc. They all have to pass through without trying to carry them with us, too heavy, impossible. All this is easier said than done of course, when we live in the 'real world' surrounded by people who are not seeking the same qualities or indeed preventing you reaching yours. That is why hermits become hermits in solitudal caves and why monks/nuns seek shelter from life. So your next phase in life, inner tranquilty, serenity, calmness, peace will be challenging but you will do it. Shiney is more in control than Dusty once was and of course you now have an oasis of friends and support who share your journey. I won't wish you luck on your next part of your life, it's not about luck, you now have the ability and courage to face whatever life throws at you and it's this which'll take you forward. Acceptance, appreciation, understanding and positivity are the keys.
Shine on you crazy diamond and enjoy every moment every sip of life. Steg
Hello Shiny
Great read and lots of good advice. I wish you luck in the next stage of your recovery and I will be joing you when I get to the end of my 40 day trip in a couple of days, I agree that this journey is way more than just controlling gambling, but learning about who we really are and embracing that person and nurturing that person to be the best they can given the cards life has dealt them. Once again wish you loads of insightful days in the future,
regards
John
Shiny I've just spoken to my psychiatrist, or what's left of him and he reassured me that 4th is fantastic, so there. Have a nice weekend, Steve
Well DF,
that first post certainly awoke me? It really is about moving on in life and coming to terms with what we are..We are just humans that lost ourselves, because of; quite simply put, a rotten game where we are always eventually tormented because we lose...You know what makes me realise how compulsive I, or people can be..for instance, when reading through your post I so wanted to be one of those people who lent you support when you needed it, unfortunately I wasn't on the list....Secondly, I really wanted to be on the new year list too...that a fellow CG designed...Anyway, that is only an example...And yes I am very paranoid too...I guess we are all a bit crazy at times...I really do believe that I touched a moment of madness in my life earlier this year....Guess what?..I picked myself up and moved on!....Oh yes, you just keep on going no matter what...It is the way we are designed we can be beaten and knocked down....However, the game of life is the most difficult one to play... I wish you well!!
Easy li£e
So I been thinking ,what's next?
I can start a new diary, I can say , this is what I want to get from it. But if I do not do anything different , then things will stay the same.
Bit like buying a rowing machine to loose weight, believing that by having it just sitting there,and never going within 5 ft of it , the weight will just drop off .....WRONG .......
You have to be pro active if you want things to change..So this is what I have in mind, small steps to start with.
Every week I challenge myself to do something.....
It maybe something I have not done for a long time, because I had lost motivation due to concentrating so hard on being in recovery.....
It maybe something I was frightened to do in case I relapsed, maybe it involved carrying or spending money.......( still only going to take a tenner to work)
It maybe something that I have put off and put off because in the scheme of things I had just left it knowing that one day it would have to be addressed or sorted but just not today........
Or it maybe something brand new that I wanted to do, but just never felt I could step that far out of my comfort zone.......
Every Saturday I will post what I did , like I said start off small and see where this goes.
If I am to live in harmony with this addiction , I need to start living , I am hoping that this will aid me to accomplish my goal , well to a certain degree.
Today I feel good , still in the middle, but at the same time quite empowered .
Shiny xxxxxxxxxxx
morning shiny. Can you turn the tap off now! It has been left on for the past 12 hrs! Lol. Impact is something that changes massively once we arrest the addiction and our "gamble footprint" fades with each day but i hasten to add only if we make the constant effort to change, in this you are the front runner keep holding that torch my dear friend and together we will all make tomorrow better than today, i will be there by your side ever enjoying this journey. Recovery trully is what you want to make it and through your constant drive to live in harmony i know you will achieve your goals, thanks for be true. Duncs stepping forward never back.
Good Morning Shiny
Love the new name !
Thanks for your support it really helps when times are bad
A new Shiny , a new life of harmony , sure sounds good!
Did you get the haircut or some new shoes? .....what about the new man lol
I cleared alot of my wardrobes this week , counted over 50 pairs of shoes , oh my how bad is that , alot have now gone to charity and i must stop buying them , there are some that have never been worn! Another addiction?
So Shiny, may your day be filled with sunshine and laughter cause it really suits you!
Keep Strong Shiny
Smiling Lucy xx
Hi shiny glad uve made the decision to stop just like myself taking my son out shopping today and to meet up with his grand parents , keep gamble free
Hi Shiny,
Gr8 post 2day makes alot of sense 🙂
I like ur new diary title 2, thanks 4 all ur support means alot 🙂
Hope u have a gr8 day!
Stay strong xxxxxxx
Great post as always shiny, I feel a challange anika coming on lol. Jesting aside, its a fantastic idea and i know you will kick a** in what ever you set yourself... Your so ready for the next stage !!!.
Enjoy your weekend, Im off to lazer quest this afternoon that should bring out the competative streak in me.
Blondie xxxxxxx
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