11/11/2014. Never imagined this would be the particular day. Although I've always known my turning point could only come the day my wife came to say she wanted a divorce. In other words, when it is too late.. So anyhow, it is this day. Day 1. Today I have not gambled.
Big picture is like this: Banks, cards, payday loans, family and friends, total debt £120k. Have good income from job but I am in a cashflow insolvency. Monthly repayments far surpass income. No chance to keep up with debt unless I am helped somehow.
Story goes like this: First ever bet in year 2000. An innocent online 5-fold on champions league results. Missed out on £3k I think it was, because Barca lost that night. At the time I didn't know I could place 4-folds bets and still win 🙂
That naivity has gradually turned into full blown gambling after I left parents' house and started living alone at the age of 26.
in 2004 I was practically bankrupt. 3 months in arrears on all payments including rent. I had to learn to make bread to feed myself. In the end went to parents and asked for help. They bailed me out but the shame was too big. I spent nearly all the bailout money (£30k) on gambling until it was down to 1.5k. Next morning I woke up and a basketball accumulator had won me £58k. Some get out of jail free card huh!! I used what I could salvage of that money to pay off nearly all debt. But this time my excuse for gambling was "I can win more and also repay my parents!". So it continued of course..
The temporary relief of the big win allowed me to take a breather. I started socialising again and soon after got married in 2005. It didn't take long for my wife to figure out what was going on... 1 or 2 years of denial. Then for her sake I started going to counselling, group therapy, etc. none of which has worked. Because deep down I felt I could never quit without winning back what I'd lost and repaying all the bank debt. My wife kept saying that's your excuse to gamble and I maintained it is the reason I can't quit. Lots and lots of lies. Some good times.. Work thank god has always been one bright spot in mylife. So some good times. Kids came. Years passed. But gambling and debts continued to dominate my mind..
2012 I think, I started taking out payday loans... That I think was a turning point. Things got far worse. Debt rocketed from a manageable £40-50k to £90-100k.
2014 now. I am 40 years old. Wife, two beautiful kids. Seemingly happy family. Nobody on the outside knows the reality. I'm sure close friends and business colleagues must suspect. But here's the truth. I am in the lowest pit of hell. I feel that way because I know I am better than this and I am deeply ashamed. My wife wants out as she has lost all hope after 10 years of hell. I love her and I love my family. Last thing I want in life is to lose them. But here I am. On the day when I know it's too late.
Tomorrow morning I will wake up and go to work. Bank will be calling I know, I missed a payment yesterday. All credit cards maxed out. No money to buy lunch.
But somehow tonight I do feel the strength in me to get out of this hell hole. Tomorrow morning I will wear a nice suit, shine my shoes, kiss the girls goodbye and go to work feeling a tiny bit of happiness. Something I have not known for years now.
Tomorrow is day two. The day I start being a man again.
B
Hi B,
Gambling takes us to places we never thought we would go, urges us to do things that we would never do in the cold light of day. Debt is a tough thing to deal with, but you can work your way out of it.
There are other websites that can give you a good look at how to deal with debt, Step Change for example, and dealing with the Payday Loans is going to be the most immediate issue.
From rock bottom, the only way is up my friend. Chasing the big win has been my doom so many times before, I know that particular feeling well. Keep your focus, and know that with your children you have the motivation to get through this.
Ryan
Everytime you want to gamble, just remember that feeling of HELL, easier said then done but you MUST try with all your willpower - that goes for me and anyone else reading this.
paul
Hi Faustus. How are you getting on today? Despite your current situation, you sound ready to beat your addiction and get yourself out of the hole you're in. Do it for your wife and kids, but also yourself. Good luck and keep the diary going.
Hi faustus,
I read your story and see many similarities in my life story.
I went from small football accumulator bets to betting hundreds on each bet.
I got loans credit cards and payday loans and my money was just constantly going round in circles with lots dropping off each time into the banks and bookies hands.
My wife never knew the extent of my gambling until I got to that point where I couldn't pay the bills and had to ask for help.
She knew I bet and we had many arguments but I always went back to betting believing she wouldn't Leave me.
When I eventually told her everything she accepted it but I am on my last warning .
I have tried for a few years to quit but always failed and failed twice-whilst on this site.
Only now knowing she knows everything and knowing she would leave and take my daughters has stopped me. I was lucky to get this final chance and yes I'm only 24 days in but I know I will never be betting again and the only reason is because I was at my lowest, it couldn't have got any worse.
You will do it and you need to do it to prove to your family they need u and u need them
I can't express HOW MUCH I appreciate the posts here guys. Writing with tears in my eyes now. Trying to hide my face behind the screen so others in the office don't see me 🙂
So day two it is! I'm in the office right now. Lunchtime and staying in. Have a sandwich and a bowl of yoghurt I bought this morning as my bank card has miraculously worked.. I'm sure some of you will understand how embarassing it is to hand your bank card and pray the payment will go through..
Anyhow, just finished writing a letter to my biggest creditor. I'm telling them I can no longer avoid a default starting this month and asking for hep. I'm also telling I want to resolve without seeking a DMP or IVA. Frankly I don't hold my breath on this one.. I've read quite a bit about the options available to someone in my position and concluded that writng to the creditors is the best point to start off. Let's see how that goes. I'm happy to share the outcome on here.
MBA, your post has touched me buddy. You're lucky this is just online or I'd hug you like a bear and that'd be quite embarassing i suppose 🙂 Your 24 days that's awsome. Please keep it coming. As the great Frankie Valli says in the Jersey Boys: Family is everything!
P.s. unsolicited Payday Loan calls are the biggest problem for now. Doing my best to take the calls and say no to them and ask them not to call again but my god the number of calls... Amazing how desperate these guys are for business.
Faustus wrote:
P.s. unsolicited Payday Loan calls are the biggest problem for now. Doing my best to take the calls and say no to them and ask them not to call again but my god the number of calls... Amazing how desperate these guys are for business.
If they have your card details, I'd also recommend speaking to your bank to cancel the cards and any recurring authority transactions to those payday loans companies, otherwise they will try everyday until you do have funds in the account, and then take as much as they can when you do get paid. Crooks of the first degree.
I hated naming my profile after Dr Faust who sold his soul to the devil, so decided to change that. I now understand I should get rid of any reference whatsoever to any feelings of guilt. Afterall I did not sell my soul to the devil, that's why I'm here. And I hope one day I will feel guilt free too 🙂
and Leedso thanks for the advice. Bankcard info etc all secure. Unfortunately I am way too experienced in dealing with them Payday lenders. The difficulty is coping with the marketing side of things.. By the way, there's an organisation called Telephone Preference Service. With a quick online registration on http://www.tpsonline.org.uk/tps/index.html they take your number(s) off the marketing companies' call lists.
Day 3.
Proving very difficult to deal with the mountain of issues facing me. The urge + wife's anger + being utterly broke + the debt and dealing with creditors + loan sharks constantly calling to sell more + fulfilling job responsibilities.
Dealing with every single one of these on a daily basis is hard work. I'm not entirely sure but this may be the reason I run and hide behind gambling sometimes. But the important thing right now is that I'm not doing that any more.
Be a man, do the right thing 🙂
oh. and the pain in my b*m (literally) is killing me.. Gonna have to see the doc. Embarassing 🙁
I often wonder if part of my gambling is down to my partner and lack of effort around the house and the constant battle to get her to do things.
Infact I know sometimes for sure when we fall out I end up gambling until the small hours so I would say the other half definately will have something to do with it somewhere down the line.
in my experience my wife has only ever been an angel, a saint! I wonder if anyone else would put up with the lack of hope my situation generates... Yes she erupts pretty badly after my gambling binges and their adverse effects come out, but overall I am surprised she stayed with me so far. I don't deserve her. I should.
Day 4.
My wife and I started talking about the situation. It's not pleasant. I need to keep dealing with debt and at the same time convince my wife that there's light at the end of the tunnel. It's pretty difficult when I myself can barely see it.. But I'm trying.
Wrote to creditors yesterday and explained the situation. Let's see what they say. I don't count on their help but ultimately the money isn't there is it?
I have faith in me but god the job is very hard.. If I pull this off I will amaze myself.
Hi Fa,
I have been meaning to post on your diary for a few days now, but work as always is getting in the way of life. I feel for you chap I really really do. I think many might look at your stories' headline figures and think that the magnitude of your situation is different from their own - however this would be wrong. Your situation is the same as all of ours, the numbers are just greater multiples. We are all afflicted with the same disease, the same mindset, and whilst we have access to funds or credit and we are within the cycle this could happen to any of us, I completely understand the numbers you are quoting - for two reasons 1) whilst we are gambling the money doesnt actually have any tangible value to us, it seems surreal, unreal . just numbers on a screen. 2) The longer you gamble for the more you are normalised to the stakes you are playing at, and the higher you are prepared to push this in order to; "get the big win", chase bigger and bigger losses, or simply maintain a status quo - and when you "win"... well it all evens out doesnt it ?. The problem of course is that for all of us its only when the merry-go-round stops, when you finally have to face the fact that you are goosed and that no end of chasing will ever make any difference... then the crushing reality hits, then the numbers have tangible value, and theres the horror - I remember that feeling, and I dont think I will ever forget it (in many ways I really shouldnt).
My point is that although you have a mountain to climb, you must not look at yourself as any different to the rest of us - many of us here (read the success stories, in particular Duncanmac's) are fighting and are in recovery for varying lengths of time and with varying degrees of success. There is no reason why you should not be able to do this too - we all have the same affliction, you are just very unlucky in that the multipliers were ratcheted up somewhat (it actually doesnt take particularly large multiples to generate some quite eye watering losses) and now you are facing reality. Anyone of our number could be in your shoes given a long enough line of credit or time - as we all have the same affliction we are all as "bad" as one another, there is no such thing as a "bit of a compulsive gambler".
I applaud you for the steps you have taken so far, and the level headedness you are taking to the task of dealing with the fallout. Please do not give up your resolve, stay strong and stay focused on the path youve chosen as it is the ONLY long term solution to this problem. You have proved this point yourself over the years - the debts you are chasing grow exponentially and the stakes required to attempt to "win them back" have to do the same, its a vicious cycle - and at the heart of it you cannot win, because you cannot stop. 1) The likelyhood of winning enough to cover your losses is very very small, we have all tried and ultimately it just doesnt happen (indeed the business model of bookmaking would be very short lived if this WAS possible) 2) be honest - if you did get a win large enough to cover all, or even a significant part of, your losses .... would you cash in your chips and stop ?. If you did, for how long would that continue ?. As compulsive gamblers we cannot ever "win" we will always be back, all we do when we "win" is generate more stake money for our next session. The only way to truly win is not to play - I know that leaves you in a horrible position initially, but it really is the only way.
In terms of your wife - I sympathise and I can only imagine how hard it must be to have to deal with the relationship fallout of compulsive gambling added to everything else. Personally I took the cowardly route and am dealing with recovery on my own, my other half does not know. I can only suggest that you find some way to prove to your wife that (and this sounds horribly cringeworthy in my mind as I think this) "this time it really will be different", is there a way you can show her how committed you are to recovery ?, can you prove to her that you have realised the magnitude of the effects on your relationship that gambling is having, and that you realise that you stand to lose more than just money, and that *that* you cannot bear ? ... you are clearly not a stupid person, and I know you know all this already but it is all I can suggest. If you have a sacrifice you can make in the pursuit of winning your wifes support, I would fall on your sword and offer this now. Even if you agree a period of time to allow you to start recovery and show that you can do this, i.e. in X months you can revisit your situation and if no change has occurred..... but until then she will give you support and the virtue of another chance to prove your mettle ?.
With regard to the creditors. I think you are taking the right steps. Obviously do all you can to agree terms including the lowest forms of interest - if you can do this without the financial damage of bankruptcy or a debt recovery plan then all power to you but do not get into the cycle of taking on ridiculous APRs to cover existing debts. Again, im telling you things you know, apologies. I would suggest that any finance company or lender, MUST understand that they have far more chance of getting the money you owe them if you remain solvent, ergo there is no point in attempting to push you any further for money which you dont have, it would surprise me if after an initial struggle they dont see more value in you as a revenue stream under some sort of affordable payment plan than they do in attempting legal proceedings or seeing you made insolvent.
In terms of the light at the end of the tunnel. See my initial witterings above. This is hard, definitely, but in terms of recovery we are all in the same boat we are all attempting to quit the same affliction regardless of the different fallouts we all face. If any one of our number can achieve recovery then you can too chap. You really can.
I am gutted for you that you find yourself in this position but I wish you all the very best of luck for your recovery. Commit to it. Keep your diary updated, and if you feel low ask for help here.
Best Regards,
FM.
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