Help

I am attending weekly counselling sessions and I really am understanding what has made me arrive here. Far too late in some ways but my word it is truly helping me. I have so much clarity and where to go from here, this is my definitive time in life to change forever. I am sad, lonely, very upset but things can only get better from here Damo.

I do remember you saying that actually....read so much on here I forgot who says things at times.

I've been through all those emotions in the past, lost a few relationships and loads of friends because of gambling. Luckily for me my true friends have stuck by me and for that I will always be greatful.

Who knows what will happen in the future.....but one thing I know is that actions speak louder than words. Going to counselling shows you want to make things better....to make yourself better.

Yeah I understand that for sure!

I am so lucky that my friends have been so good to me. Nobody knew about the real me. They have leant me there ears and their spare rooms, otherwise god knows where I would have been.

This is true and I am so determined to be that better me, I feel free and released in a lot of ways but absolutely dreadful for all the hurt I have caused. I have cheated, lied and gambled and those times as much as they are my past will haunt me and drive me forward forever. It has come at the ultimate cost )the love of a beautiful family) but this loss is my defining moment. I will pray everyday for their happiness but I know my path now and it can only be positive despite losing the love of my life.

For what's it's worth maybe your ex needs educated in what we CGs behaviours are. She will be undoubtedly very hurt, angry and bitter about the gambling but u know what, despite how we feel about ourselves, beating this addiction it's not about a bad person becoming good, it's about a sick person becoming well. U can only beat yourself up so much before we have to learn to love and start believing in ourselves again....I hated, loathed me. But I am learning that my behaviour was born out of depression, depression brought about be grief. We cannot change yesterday but we can change tomorrow, I am a huge believer in fate and whatever happens in life is meant for a reason...I hope that your family love u enough to come back when u are well again.

Take care Matt, u are doing so so well x

Hi Barney,

it is the affair i had previously that has driven her away. She has said she would have supported my gambling if she had known. I have used stupid distractions to stop the urges and restlessness a couple of months back. I opened up a facebook account and started brwosing aimlessley and looked up a few people and some girls on it. She now thinks this is all I do and I am some kind of pervert. I have caused her to be very insecure and she doesn't understand that before I went into therapy I would do anything to distract myself from the urges of gambling. I never messaged anyone or tried to hook up etc, it truly wasn't like that it was 20 mins here and there a couple of days of aimless browsing. I would never cheat again, I have let her in my heart which nobody has ever managed to penetrate before. Now my secrets are out I couldn't be clearer on how much I truly love them.

All to little too late and sadly I am too big a risk for her, which I do understand. My therapy has me clear on so much and I have never felt so strong but emotionally I feel so weak.

I went for 15 years not understanding myself and that in turn made me push people away. I want to get better for myself but this loss and losing someone I truly love, makes me want to fight hard forever. It has proved to me how much they truly meant to me and I will fight for them forever even though they will never be in my life again. I have reason, I have purpose and I will be the man I should always have been.

Barney, I forgot to thank you for your comments. They inspire me and help me knowing we are all fighting a similar battle and here to support each other. Stay strong mate

God bless u Matt, it sounds like there is more to your troubles than what the gambling has done and well done for recognising this to help u move forward as it's not easy, it's far easier for us just to blame everyone else. Unfortunately the closest ones to us are the ones who take the biggest hit when we lash out in anger or do stupid things. I hope that in time things begin to improve for u, it will take a long time to regain trust if only for your children's sake to keep things as civil as possible with your ex.

Big cyber hug to u Matt,

By the way, my name is Mel

Hi Mel

Yeah indeed those closest suffer. I am my own fool battling this on my own for so long. I am now confronting it all head on now with help from my friends and the councelling. I can no longer be part of these troubles and now have a brighter future even if it doesn't feel that way currently.

I appreciate the kind words they mean so much, thank you.

Day 87, no urges at all which is good. I feel like I am finally sensing a bit of freedom. My life is in tatters but I am surrounded by friends who genuinely care for me. I am staying in a friends spare room. They are such a wonderful little family it is truly helping me to see what I want from my life now. I have all the tools I just need to move forward, address my problems head on and hope one day I feel worthy of the same.

I sat down for dinner with my friend and his wife, I felt quite sad initially as I had some contact with my ex. She asked me to go round and start clearing up the house for estate agent viewings. It was quite late at night and my friends have very young children so felt a) it was unfair to do that to them and b) the heartache and emotion I currently feel would explode out of me as soon as I saw my ex. So I said I couldn't, I think she understood. The last time I saw her was Xmas day morning and the heart break I felt leaving them was like nothing I have ever experienced before, empty, lost and totally destroyed inside.

Back to the dinner, I had a good long chat with my friend and his wife. They know everything about me now and must be bored of hearing me cry! However they did manage to bring some laughs out of me and I managed to crac some jokes! Anyone who knows me know I am a bit of a clown so it was nice to have him back even if it was only for a moment. Maybe the first sign of healing, who knows?

I have woken up this morning longing for my old life back but I know this cannot be. My ex just cannot see the good in me due to my previous troubles and I fully understand. I hope one day she comes back to me but I now know that it is highly unlikely. What I also know now though is I want to be someones everything in the future. I have f#cked up badly in my life but I do deserve happiness and to make someone happy. It will take me a long time to heal my wounds and scars from this break up and I am under no illusion it could be years before I am ready to love again.

I will not use gambling or anything else to take away this pain. I am meeting it head on and seeing what it really is to feel emotion.

Stay strong everyone a New Year is fast approaching, one of gamble free happiness.

Matt

Matt, I don't really know you, I only know what you have told us but reading your last post I am truly proud of you.
If it doesn't work out with your ex, in time, when you are ready, there's going to be one lucky lady out there.
Take care x

Thank you. I have a long path ahead of me. One of healing and re-discovering some self worth. I do appreciate the encouragement it truly helps to have even a complete stranger have a little bit of faith in you.

As I said, my friends have family have blown me away with their support. They know the real me now finally and they are still there for me which means the world.

I love my ex and her daughter to their bones but I do know that someone who has treated them so poorly for periods doesn't deserve their love, I do hope to have them back and prove to them every day my love but I also know this journey I am taking may have to be on my own now as devastating as that feels.

More tears cried at my desk today for the family I have lost. I am hoping this grieving process gives me some inspiration to drive forward. So hard feeling so sad with all these regrets.

Off to bed, another day completed. Wish I was kissing my girls goodnight.

Hi Matt,

Sorry that you are struggling right now but these things take time to process and my god, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. You're determination to become a better person is stronger than u think, your ex will be extremely hurt by everything that's happened but at least she is not giving hope where there is none. When life throws us a pile of lemons, we have to break things out into manageable bite size chunks to deal within make sense of - you have to focus on YOU first, the rest will come later 😉 u will rebuild your life, and u will become the person u aspire to be.

Stay strong, Mel