Help

Day 93 done.

3am wide awake and back at my house with my family, will be taking my step daughter to school for the last time tomorrow morning. Then I am moving out again but this time for good. I couldn't be further from the sheer happiness I felt when she said she would give me another shot.

My ex cannot be with someone that has hurt her the way I have so I have to be a man and set them free now. It will be the most difficult thing I have ever done but this merry go round of limbo is not only affecting a wonderful 8 year old little girl but also threatening my recovery from my gambling problems.

I pray to God that it is the right thing to do and that eventual happiness will be secured now for my beautiful girls.

Day 94 today no bets. Feeling a little lost. Had a run in with the police over a traffic violation. I sat in the back crying as they issued me with a ticket and a huge b#llocking, emotion and bad times free flowing still!

Have a councelling session later, they help so so much.

Lots of nervous energy, thinking about my girls every moment of the day it seems.

Councelling was great as always but then walked straight into another Vicous verbal assault by my ex. She said some awful things to me and threatened all sorts. I understand her anger and I am desperately trying to help her get through it.

Day 95 I will not gamble.

Contemplated suicide tonight. But I'm still here. Day 96 is tomorrow. Finding it hard to type as I am numb. No bets but my life and others lives are destroyed by this. I hate you and what you have done to me

Matt,
You have a lot to deal with at the moment. If memory serves me right I believe that you have good support from family and friends but sometimes it helps to talk to someone who doesn't know you. You can say whatever's on your mind.
I suggest that when you feel desperate you ring the samaritans. They never judge and give you a listening ear.
Give it a try. Sometimes we all need a helping hand in life x

I second the above Matt.

Talk to someone...anyone....pick that phone up and call the samaritans as suggested.

You think you have hurt you ex partner with gambling, imagine how she would feel if you killed yourself.

Stay strong and keep talking.

Damo

Matt, my son was present when someone killed themselves (in his work capacity). He was so shocked, in such pain, questioning whether he could have done more. I had had thoughts of self harm, but made me realise that if he could be so hurt by the death of a complete stranger....what would I do to him. You have friends and family who care about you, hold on to them. You will get through this. Life will get better. I promise you. I am old enough to have learnt that life is full of ups and downs...in the downs you have to hang on by the skin of your teeth, but be certain it will pass. Come on chat on an evening. Type in your diary, phone Samaritans, phone a friend....just keep hanging on x

I've been a pathetic liar I've continued to lie about things to those closest and they have again been found out. There is nothing left now but I've made my bed

Matt 24 wrote:

I've been a pathetic liar I've continued to lie about things to those closest and they have again been found out. There is nothing left now but I've made my bed

Hi Matt - Hang in there fella.

You need to be everything you can be moving forward, the past is exactly that, it cannot be changed.

You have a life ahead of you, make it the best it can be.

Positive thoughts.

Sbb

Matt 24 wrote:

I've been a pathetic liar I've continued to lie about things to those closest and they have again been found out. There is nothing left now but I've made my bed

Hi Matt - Hang in there fella.

You need to be everything you can be moving forward, the past is exactly that, it cannot be changed.

You have a life ahead of you, make it the best it can be.

Positive thoughts.

Sbb

I have just explained gambling to my friend. It brings your inhibitions down 20 fold and your highs and lows dominate every thought turning your body and mind into a robot. Then when you run out of money, or decide to somehow stop the hangover lasts weeks or months as you take stock of what you have actually done.

Frightening

Hi Rhoda

That must have been horrific for your son I feel for him. It's exactly why I couldn't do it, this is a terrible illness and to think how it could devastate others lives even more is another spur to carry on.

I met with my ex tonight, the look in her eyes told me I am dead to her now. Utterly heart breaking but I think she truly has enough now to set herself and me free to re build our lives, not together but separately.

Gambling has forced me down some ridiculous paths to get away from it. I will have my adult head on for the rest of time now. The loves of my life have gone it's time to move forward and take that first step up from the rock bottom of last night.

Day 96 done, closing in on the century. Night all

Matt

Morning Matt....the decision is made now, you have said it is time to move forward alone. So even if your ex offers another olive branch, I think you need to say 'no, I need 6 months on my own to get my life together'....take control. If in 6 months time she and you both think there is a chance, then you will both be in a much stronger position. Indecision is a killer...decide on how you can move forward as a single person, and get living x.

Thank you Rhoda that advice is very constructive and I really appreciate it.

She won't be coming back now so now it's my time to shine and build the foundations to the real and new me. I'm sick to death of this illness and what it does to my brain. I will always love those girls for saving my life but it is time to move on once and for all.