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Hi Brummyboy

Just a couple of days behind me, sorry we haven't crossed paths before now.

I sadly lost what I wanted to be my family, my ex turned her back on me and went into punish mode, using her daughter who I loved as my own as a weapon on repeat. As horrible as that treatment was I never turned to gambling or anything else to escape the pain, I met it all head on and felt it. That helped get me to where I am today and life is a world better for me. I still have my own mountain to climb in some ways but life is so so much better and my future can only be positive now.

I look forward to breaking the 1 year barrier and welcoming you into that club a couple of days later.

Thanks for your post and good luck in your recovery.

Matt

Day 361

I am off to Manchester this Weekend to see my football team lose again no doubt! I am however looking forward to the trip as I am meeting a friend/customer there and my best friend too. Should be fun.

My other best friend visited Wednesday evening to catch up and have a few beers which was nice. I can see so much potential in my life now it can be a bit overwhelming at times! I am genuinely so excited and the only way for that potential to be fulfilled is to commit to a gamble free life. I have been dating a girl for a while now and she knows everything about my past and still seems keen. She ticks all my boxes too so hoping that as time goes on it may develop into something. The foundadtions are certainly being laid correctly this time.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Matt

Hi Matt it'S reassuring to mysrlf and others that this road can be travelled and a positive outcome is achievable. You deserve every happiness and life should be exciting not full of worry, guilt and self loathing. Not long until a year for you, amazing, Have a super weekend S:)

Congratulations Matt. A full year without gambling is a massive achievement. We all know how hard it is to overcome the urges to gamble, when the addiction is so persistent and fills our heads with delusions. To battle through all that for a year and get your life back is absolutely wonderful. You have my respect for that and also for helping your fellow travellers on their journey. Your diary has been an inspiration to many of your GamCare friends including me.....stephen

Well done on the year gamble free mate. Plenty more to come.

Dan

Nice one Matt

DAY 365

It is finally here, a full year without a bet. This year has been both the worst and best period of my life. I re-started this diary on Day 3 of this current journey after a major relapse. I thought I had hit rock bottom and knew I had to stop. On that day though I really didn't know how to , or what was to come. I had a mountain of debt and an even bigger mountain of secrets. I began the journey day by day but still not in the way I should. I continued to keep all the secrets and thought I could tackle this challenge alone, I know now that way was always doomed to fail.

After battling through to day 46 on my own, maybe the true Day 1 arrived. My House of cards finally crumbled in the most brutal way. My ex Fiance found out that I wasn't the guy she had fallen in love with, bought a house with and wanted to marry. She attacked me physically and I immediately packed my bags and left to stay in a hotel, shell shocked, devastated and lost. I believed this was the worst day of my life but there were more to come. That night I called the Samaritans as I thought about killing myself, it was the first time I had ever admitted my gambling problem out loud. The stranger on the end of that telephone was shocked at how I had kept it to myself for 15 years and we spoke for 3 hours, he saved my life.

On Day 47 the biggest and most defining moment of my life arrived. I went to see a councellor and within 15 minutes of leaving that room I called my brother, my best friend in Leeds and then went home to see my other best friend and his wife to finally admit to them that I was a gambling addict, they had no idea, I had managed to cover it all up, I had become a master of deception. Once my secrets were revealed, Immediately the shame was gone, the support I received was simply incredible and overnight I became an open book. The questions they asked I was happy to answer and my answers truly shocked them but they all stuck by me, something I will never forget. I know the one thing I have done correctly in life is my choice of friends, I have been lucky to be surrounded by such great people.

Sadly my ex took the other path and attempted to heal her wounds of my deception by attempting to emotionally destroy me and attempt to burn all the bridges I had built over many years with my friends and family. She attempted to "Gas light" my entire life and portray me as a terrible person to anyone she come across. She used my love for her and her daughter as emotional torture and left me living in limbo/groundhog day until I was strong enough to stand up to her and her emotional abuse and mind games. During this period she pulled me in and then brutally pushed me away on repeat. She used a child as a weapon until eventually the bullets ran out. I spent Xmas with her and her daughter when the abuse was reaching it's peak and I nearly suffered a breakdown.

I cried everyday, I couldn't listen to music on the radio, I couldn't function at work and then when the emotional abuse peaked on day 94 and my life felt totally hopeless I stood on a bridge and contemplated suicide, I still don't really totally know what stopped me but I knew I couldn't put anymore pain and suffering on anyone else. I stepped off and drove back to my friends house where I was staying. He thought I had taken drugs as I was a mess and incoherent. I went to bed and couldn't physically move, I was numb. I tried calling my friend in Leeds and again he thought I had taken something as I just was a complete mess. The next morning I called the Samaritans again and then every friend I have and told them about my gambling, I no longer wanted secrets from anyone.

That day was Day 1, the real day 1. The first day of the rest of my life. I had no idea how to get through it but I knew for the first time I had to feel the pain and really feel it. I knew I had to remember how painful it was to guarantee I would never feel it again. By this point I had lost a stone and a half in weight, I looked unhealthy and I knew I had to start looking after myself again. My friends had offered their hands and I had to take them.

My ex tried one more time to bring me back into the family fold, so I went to a pantomine with them, after that night I knew my relationship was over and that it was unfair to put her daughter through it any longer so I made the heart breaking decision to finally walk away. It broke my heart more than I have experienced in my life. There was continued emotional abuse and guilt laid on me but each attempt of hurt made me stronger day by day.

I healed the correct way, I moved away and stayed with friends. I didn't go out drinking, chasing women, gambling or feeling sorry for myself to paper over the pain, I truly let myself feel it and gather strength everyday to start to re build my life. In this period my ex would try twist the knife even at one point putting her daughter on the phone to ask "why I didn't love her anymore?" she had also got with someone else and moved them into the house I paid the mortgage and the bills for. Eventually after 5 months of soild crying everyday I decided to break this chain of limbo, move back to the house and put an end to the no mans land that was my life.

On Day 202, after a few weeks of abuse and living under the same roof as my ex, her daughter and the new guy, I came home to a half empty house. They had cleaned it out of the furniture and anything else they could carry. This moment was when I really knew I was free to start my life again and be the person I should always have been. I had the chance that many don't get as I really knew who I was and who I wanted to be.

There were more games played right up until the bitter end but I was fully in control of the situation and on day 291 I completed on my house and bought her out of it. This meant I could change the locks and know I could never suffer at her hands again. August 24th was to be our wedding day, this day came and passed and I know now it was a lucky escape. I do not have any bad feeling towards my ex I really wish she and especially her daughter will be happy forever. I have accepted the way she dealt with the pain was to punish me and maybe that's the only way she could deal with it. The past is the past and I will always remember the reason I finally broke free of my problems is because I lost them.

I have used this diary to document my daily path and the support I have received has helped me arrive at where I am today.....Day 365 and a fully autonomous, gamble free man. Now at the age of 37 I have a life ahead of me that I plan to appreciate and enjoy. If my diary can inspire anyone to know there is a future, then it will repay some of the huge debt I owe to this forum and the people here.

I am sat here now typing at my desk with tears in my eyes once again, however this time not because I am sad but because I am truly thankful to you all and know without you, I simply wouldn't have got here.

Thank you Gamcare I look forward to my next year gamble free, it truly is the best way to enjoy the precious gift we have been given of life.

Matt

It bring's it right to the front of your mind again and re living the tale is a difficult thing to face Matt , but youv'e done it buddy , the good the bad and the downright ugly things in your life have been faced up to and dealt with :))

I'm absolutely made up for you Matt and tyake great delight in welcoming you to the " year club " , as you say " You have your whole life ahead of you now to keep on reaping the benefits of what youve sown .

Enjoy your day matey and I'm proud to walk alongside you :))

Best wishes

Alan

Matt, you know if I could give you a big fat hug right now I would! A year GF is a monumental achievement alone but combined with what you've been through there is no words. 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' is an overused phrase but not for you my friend, you deserved to be the man you want to be and live the life you want to live. I couldn't be happier for you and sincere thanks for all the support and encouragement you've given me and everyone else. Enjoy this amazing day S x

Great post Matt, what a journey you have been on congrats on a year gf enjoy your new gf life you truely deserve it.....All the best:)

Congratulations Matt what a great achievement. You are a great inspiration to many many many people you should be so proud.

It's been an absolute to watch to grow and blossom from the fragile man who turned up here to where you are now.

The way you have handled yourself has been admirable when you have had things thrown back in your face.

I know from experience even though you have moved on and taken control back of your life, you will still have some thoughts of what could have been. Try not to dwell and celebrate your achievement with those great friends who backed you.

Have a bit of cake bud you've earned it

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HAPPY 1 YEAR GAMBLE FREE

Fantastic post Matt, I draw lots of strength from this post.
You've turned your life around for the better and that deserves a massive amount of credit.
I am almost a mirror of you and hope to copycat your journey.

Breakfree

Hi All

Thanks again so much for your kind words, I do indeed feel a sense of pride at the strength I have summoned to do this. The understanding I have of myself now makes me feel like I can move onto my second year gamble free and achieve anything I put my mind to. However I will never be complacent and I won't dwell too long on the past.

I really do hope people can take something from my adventure and to keep the faith when life just seems too much. Just don't give in, refuse, abstain and then allow yourself a smile and pat yourself on the back for doing so.

P.S Thanks for the cake Oldham 🙂

Matt

Good for you! I know it hasn't been easy but I am sure it has been worth it.

Cathyx