Help

Day 78. No urges determined to be a better person now and be that man I should always have been.

Day 79. Still no gambling urges. Not interested in sport etc. Overwhelming feelings towards love and intimacy that I have never experienced before.

This demon truly took everything away. I will never be put in this position again.

Love conquers all. I believe now if you gamble you risk your ability to love and be the person you want to be.

Or to be loved. During my worst craze of gambling I was totally unlovable - gambling destroys u inside and out

Stay strong, u are doing so well.

Day 80. No gambling or urges.

I completely know about the unloveable part. Your mind is just not where it is supposed to be, concentrating on making your family happy and being there for them. I vanish into a murky haze when I am gambling, there in body but not in mind. The energy we feel we get from gambling is so so negative. The energy we get from making someone happy simplyu outweighs gambling 100 fold. I am determined to never bet, lie, cheat etc in the future. I am addressing these demons head on and feel the weight off the world off my shoulders for the first time in 15 years.

The current tragedy was inevitable in my life. The next inevitibility now is if I change my life I will live the next ammount of time being a man happy, content and hopefully surrounded by love. I miss my family, hope they return one day but the man sat here typing is now someone I will like and hope to be accepted warts and all.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger Matt! U will be the man u aspire to be, no CG can see the destructive path gambling lays in front of us, we think we are different and that we are in control until something 'breaks'. We are broken, angry, in debt and riddled in guilt - we all need to support each other to pick up the pieces for us and our families sake.

Keep strong and choose life!

Mel

Thanks Mel. I hope you manage to beat this too and be free.

There is light for us all but the only way is simply NEVER GAMBLE AGAIN. Not even a lottery ticket

Day 81 done. Off to bed. Hopes and dreams shattered but the future has to be bright from here

Never give up on dreams and hopes! They matter the most.

Well done on your ongoing journey - desired future is awaiting ☺

Have a great Xmas

S x

So Xmas Eve is here and I've never felt so lonely. I'm in the house with the family I betrayed. The love of my life here as is my step daughter, so excited for Santa.

The house will be sold after Xmas and I'm dead to my girlfriend. I will never be in this place again. f**k you gambling you've contributed to destroying my life for too long now.

Its a terrible disease mate, we all know, but the illness is real, try to think positive. I no your rock bottom but i wish u merry xmas

Thank you NW. Yeah it is a horrible part of who I was. Will never gamble again. Bold statement I know but this is me now.

Happy Xmas everyone. Stay strong

Hi Matt I woke up this time last year feeling the same way you do today. A year on while not everything in my life is perfect it's a hell of a lot better. Try and get through the best you can.

The clean break In the NY might be just what you need, it won't feel like it but it sounds like there is no going back and once you accept this line you have done with your gambling you can start to reclaim your life.

I wish you all the best Matt

KTF

Hey Matt,

Really sorry to read what you are going through. Your life mirrors mine in so many ways and I really feel for you on this day more than most.

No matter what happens from here at least you are no longer living a lie. That's got the be for the good right?

Anyway wanted to wish you a merry Christmas and hope can enjoy the day in some way.

All the best.

Damo

Thanks to all who comment, it really does help me. Xmas morning I spent with my family, almost like a window of what my life should have been. None of it was real though. We were being strong for our daughter but my lies, deceit and attempts to control and cover my gambling have totally destroyed those I care the most for.

I tried every avenue to curb the destruction of gambling. I tried using distractions that were ridiculous and now I just look to my partner as a complete and utter selfish disgusting failure of a man. I have to set them free now as there will be no forgiveness I know that.

I have paid the ultimate price now and it is time to re build now and attempt a positive forward path in life.

Matt you need to sort yourself for you first mate. If you are anything like me then nobody could think less of yourself than you.

Not sure if you have read Oldhams diary but if not you should have a look at it.

Hope you make the best of the day that you can.

Damo