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That diary in inspirational Damo.

Yesterday evening I walked the empty streets for hours, alone taking in everything that's happened and where I currently am.

Christmas night is truly the only night that nobody is really there as they are all doing family things (exactly what I should have been doing). This time truly gave me some clarity and I now know I have to be strong everyday to never experience the loneliness and shame I do currently.

The past is the past, I cannot change what I have done but from this day forward I can use it as fuel to be a better man. My gambling is in a box now as is the rest. I will get it down occasionally to look at and see what destruction it has caused, it can never be forgotten but it can be put in a safe place that I control.

Merry Xmas everyone I truly hope we are all on the path to beating it

Wide awake at 2 am in my parents house as I have had to leave the family home again due to horrible fights.

My relationship is beyond saving. The hurt and pain I have caused is too much for my ex to bare. I will now be living out of suitcases until my house is sold. I've truly lost everything I ever dreamed of.

Feel so low, this is a tragedy my dream girl, dream house, dream life all destroyed and in flames.

Today I have not gambled day 84 completed gamble free.

Matt, I truly feel for you.
84 days gamble free. That's a massive achievement!
Reading your recent posts I cannot help but notice that amongst your sorrow you show a remarkable strength. A strength that's stopped you from putting on that next bet and a strength that's making you analyse your life with honesty. Looking at the actions from your past which in turn enables you to look to the future, learn from past and realise that there is hope for a better life. Unfortunately, you have to get through the pain and hurt of today to reach a happier and brighter tomorrow.
Stay strong Matt. Stay on the gf path. I am confident you will succeed, allowing the sun to shine in your life again.

I don't feel very strong, I cry my eyes out on a daily basis I miss what I had so so badly. I feel empty, scared and very lost. Thinking suicidal thoughts but I would never do that to my friends and family.

This is the first time in my life I've lost all confidence in myself as a person. My ex has battered me emotionally my councellor says it's mental abuse. One minute giving me hope then taking it all away. I know she is hurt and the continued revelations of exactly what this disease has done to me she cannot handle. To distract myself I opened up a fake Facebook account and looked at a few girls on there along with other people I knew. Purely a sub conscious distraction technique but she will never understand that. I cheated on her in the past too which is why we broke up. She thinks I've been doing it our whole relationship and with others.

I am now on top of this in regard to not gambling and am working hard on other distractions. Walking etc. I need to feed this energy into something positive or I will find myself at rock bottom again.

From this day forward I will not gamble, lie, and cheat. How I currently feel is pure devastation and fear for the Unknown future. Staying gamble free is the only way I will ever be a better man.

Matt, as parent of a gambler I have been reading your story and I am heartbroken that yet again a lovely young family destroyed by gambling addiction. I really do curse the way advertising/media makes gambling so attractive and easy, without enough warnings about the dangers and consequences to families like yours. If anyone is reading Matt's story the final straw of continuing gambling is not only the financial but tragically the loss of his young family. From our experience of recovery our family member came back with us and we found that it gave them space to think and clear their head - it did work. Arguments do not help and it makes it difficult for you to calmly plan your recovery and your partner needs time to absorb it all as well. Her priority will be the children and I am sure you will understand that. Writing down an action plan of what you need to do is a good idea and staying on here to get advice from Gamcare professionals and other people on here will be a comfort blanket for you. Ask your parents to moniter your finances and try and talk to them about your problems as it is hard tackling this on your own. You have gone over 80 days gfree which is really good. In the future if your partner sees you have taken control and you get your life back on track there may be a glimmer of hope for you all. It really is down to you to continue the gfree life and if you feel yourself slipping come straight on here and you will get loads of support and advice. Good luck for 2017.

Can't you see?? All of those thoughts matt, empty, scared, lost, self-hate yet still you finish your post no' 125 with those final 2 paragraphs.
You are strong, you know the direction you have to go. You have worked that one out for yourself.
I'm sorry if it sounds harsh because i would love everything to work out for you but to become the man you would prefer to be you have to walk that path whether your partner is with you or not.
None of us know what future lies ahead.
Sending you a bucketful of strength, don't give up hope, things can only improve. x

Your comments have made me burst into tears but thank you. I have so many deep rooted issues that mean It's been impossible for me to show love and I've spent 15 years pushing people away and leading almost a double life.

My beautiful family are gone forever. The little girl is not my biological daughter so I have no legal right to see her again and dealing with losing them both is severely hurting me so much. I've rarely cried in my life. It now I'm a waterfall of emotion. I miss them so much but I know it can never be and that fact alone is hard to take in.

This illness and the way it has effected my life can no longer be. I can't replace it with negative things either as they've caused huge damage too. I love my girls to their bones but to know they are walking away without looking back will be my spur to never place a bet or do anything without thought again.

I have to find the strength but I am almost running on empty as the emotions I've felt in the past 5 or 6 weeks have destroyed and shattered my barriers of protection.

I'm so sad, lonely and full of regret and remorse. I want my girls beside me to help me through this but I know this is now never going to happen.

Sorry for the negativity I'm just struggling so badly.

Matt

I'm sorry for upsetting you but don't apologise for what you have written, I usually find it helps just to be able to write down how you feel. It's your diary. You can write whatever helps you to get through these difficult days.
Unfortunately, there are many people who will read your posts and be able relate to what you are writing, as you have already been told.
Take strength from their diaries and more importantly take care of yourself.
You are important, you cannot change the past, you can learn from it. You ARE worthy of future happiness. Don't forget that x

I am just so so emotional at the moment. I went shopping earlier to try and distract myself but burst into tears in a shoe shop. I've never felt such pain and sorrow in my life.

The tears are for my family and the sense of loss. I know I have to go this alone now and that is going to be my biggest battle.

Happiness seems a distant memory and so far from my *** at the moment it's untrue. I live in hope and today I won't gamble.

Thank you for the comments on my diary, they truly do make a difference and make me feel less alone.

Matt

More texts from my ex saying how over the relationship is. I guess this is a new day one now. One of being alone and battling this addiction.

She will be hurting Matt....got to just let her vent.

As for being alone....well at least you might be able to start looking at yourself in the mirror because you are not hiding things anymore.

Not one for cliches but....time is a great healer.

Keep going.

Damo

I think she is beyond hurt now I think the realisation of what I have done and who I was is too much for her to risk. I completely understand I just wish she could see past it and realise what we truly could be.

They are my reason to beat this with or without them.

Day 86. Gamble free. More tears this morning over my failures to my family as a person. I now have a bit of acceptance they will not be coming back to me. I am so so distraught but I will no longer let my insecurities or gambling win anymore. This is my path to a better person and I will be staying on it forever.

Really tough day, I just miss my family so much. How I set them free is beyond me but I know I have to. I have never felt love like this before.

Sorry if I've missed it somewhere in your diary Matt.....but have you considered counselling or GA?

Talking to someone might feel weak....but it takes great strength to open up and talk about your issues.

Been seeing the counsellor I originally got through gamcare for nearly 10 months now. Not sure I would have got to were I am now without him.

Damo