Hi All,
I've been reading the forum and found it very helpful and I've decided to post to see if it will help my recovery.
I'm in my early 30's and have been gambling more or less my entire adult life. By chance I also ended up working in the industry and have been for 8 years, which makes it harder to quit.
I'd like to do another career but don't have the skills to earn the money I do in any other line of work.
I dread to think how much I have lost in total in my life but I think it must between 30 and 50k.
I bought a house at 19 with a mortgage of £200 a month. However I sold it a few years later to cover gambling (and at the time drink and drug debts) and have been renting ever since. £800 a month are my current payments.
I've never had a serious relationship as I couldn't bring anyone else into my chaotic and stressful life.
I am not consumed by gambling on a day to day basis and never borrow money to gamble as such. But when I get paid or have some money and start to gamble and lose, i lose complete control of rational thought. I've lost between 1k and 3k in a session numerous times. This usually occurs in less than 2-3 hours.
I know I'm on a self destructive binge betting on anything I can find and won't settle until I've lost all the money I have access to - including rent money, food money etc.
When this first happened I would feel devastated, but now I just feel numb which is scary.
After these sessions, I borrow money to live on/pay the rent and function as a normal person for a month until payday comes round again and the cycle often gets repeated.
My poor father has lent me thousands over the years. He doesn't understand the gambling mind so not able to talk with him about it but he bails me out a lot. I deeply regret this.
I've quit for months on end but had some big relapses recently, losing most of my last two salaries on betting and poker.
I earn a decent wage but live on the breadline, around 20-30 a week in loans until payday comes.
I'm in around 5-10k of debt, most to my father. I've somehow managed to hide this to most people but it's so stressful and I know if I don't stop I will end up doing something stupid.
Like others on here I've found running on a regular basis to help my mental health and I'm self excluded from all the online bookmakers.
I will be getting gamblock on my next payday. I move home and job soon and want a completely fresh start with no gambling - no sports bet, poker or any other form.
I used to say well just poker for small amounts is fine but when I lose, especially if I feel i've been unlucky, it's likely to trigger a binge.
The problem for me is the disappointment of losing is so much greater than any joy from winning, the only way I can get rid of the feeling is by getting a winner. Then the only way to keep the nice feeling is to get another winner, and so the cycle continues....
For my new life I and want to be in a good state mentally and financially to move forward. I will keep this diary updated and hopefully can this can be the start of my non-gambling life.
Sorry to have rambled on.
Hi hadlastbet.
Welcome to the diaries.
Can i suggest you get K9 for now as it is a free download,get some one else to do the password or write a random line of numbers and letters then throw it away.
Dont ever apologise for what or how much you write this is YOUR diary and you write what you feel.
You will get loads of support and advice from some great people on here,its not an easy journey but your taking the first steps.
Keep posting and reading it really does help.
Stay Strong
E xx
Thanks, will get that
Works well, even blocks my work emails but I can live with that 🙂
Hi there
Welcome to this supportive site and well done on starting diary this will really help u , get all the advice u can and put all the blocks in place importantly though just take it one day at a time and build up that self belief u can beat this , been in the gambling industry yes is goin to make it harder but I find helping and supporting others motivates me and gives me the strength to not gamble , u must see people everyday that need help , firstly though look after number one , read other diaries and see how people's lives av been turned around , ultimately it's all bout the choices we make , choose to gamble and u well know it leads to misery only choose not to and u get ur life back , back to reality and it's much harder but with the support on here and ur determination u can beat this disease
I wish u all the best
Castle2
Hi and welcome.
"I earn a decent wage but live on the breadline"
This is such a familiar description to many of us and I wanted to thank you for writing it so succinctly. You'll find loads of support here and I hope you continue to write here.
I look forward to reading your successes.
Hi Friend i hope you stick around and give this a good go.
I echo the last comment about your line 'I earn a decent wage but live on the breadline' Such a great one to sum up how i and so many compulsive gamblers have been living.
Im nearly a year clean now and things are alot better. You can do it just take one day at a time and keep posting and reading on here.
Hi
I thought you were writing about me such a chilling accurate description of myself. I hope we both can provide each other support to manage our lives on a daily basis.
Michael
Hi A38 are you still on here?? I hope you are still none gbling??
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
