Here goes nothing.

Day 15/106 Still haven't gambled a penny, trying to live a so called normal life, been to a concert, been out jogging, hit a few golf balls. Feel as far away from gambling as I've ever been but I know it only takes a few seconds for the switch to be turned back on & I'm back on the road to hell.

Hey Spud when you say you sleepwalked into the bookies to watch some racing, did you leave as soon as you realised you were in a danger zone? Why don't you pop onto OldhamKTF's thread & get the tel to self exclude by phone? I know you have barriers in place but every little helps in these early days whilst you figure out how to deal with your underlying issues.

I know you said you'd tried GA & counselling & have issues opening up, I understand you are scared but you don't deserve to be hurting like this! Why don't you try a different GA meeting or see if your GP has any options for you. LB told me you have to kiss a few frogs with counselling sometimes, maybe worth another shot? Or how are you with writing stuff out, it may be worth giving GamCare a call about some online services?

Keep walking the path to recovery - ODAAT

Day16, thanks for your comments ODAAT, self exclusion might work for some but in my experience it's a waste of time, I've lost many hundreds in bookies that I'm meant to be self excluded from. Might work in your regular bookies where you're face is known but you're not so regular ones, it's easy to put a hat on & away you go. Opening up to anyone about my problems is bordering on the edge of impossible for me, I think I'm just doomed to be forever caught in the cycle of abstinence & relapse. Just need to put as many barriers between me & my money so when I do relapse, which I regard as inevitable, the damage is minimal.

Well done spud on 16 day's , I know what your saying regarding self exclusions , they are easy to get around if you want to but it then becomes more about you making the right decision not to go there in the first place or at least like the other day keeping the triangle further broken by not having the funds with you to gamble , your still making those right choices my friend so well done .

Best wishes ................... Alan

Yeah, you're right Dave...Self exclusion worked for me because I was scared of being caught, scared of not being able to cash out my winnings!?! & it didn't work because I cut off my lifelines to the innocent £1/£2 deposit machines & progressed to the bookies where I discovered I could increase my stake for the exact same win!?! I gambled for a very long time, I have, of course, seen many broken people asking for their money back because they are excluded & wondered why that exact same person is back the very next day shushing people not to tell the attendant!

I get that people are running from fear I could never (thankfully) comprehend but you know yourself that gambling is a mask for your pain! You said a few posts ago you need to find different coping mechanisms for it & 'bordering on the edge of impossible' means you have not given up on giving up 🙂 The abstain/relapse cycle is vicious but only you can turn abstaining into recovery, there is a difference, it's plain to see in the pages of the forum! It's gonna hurt, but you're not doomed to this cycle, it's going to be a huge leap of faith to get yourself properly into recovery but you deserve it, you deserve to be happy - ODAAT

Always feel guilty about posting on this thread after another period of gambling, don't no why, everyone on here is non judgemental & realises how difficult stopping is. Anyway going to try & fight the good fight again, my mind,body & soul has taken a battering over the last few weeks & I need to get off the gambling treadmill. For good? I doubt it, haven't got the willpower to put in the hard yards through GA, counselling & therapy but tomorrow I'll self exclude again, get the missus to change PIN numbers & hopefully breathe some fresh air again.

Keep trying spud. Every time you try you're chipping away at it. You never know, one day you might reach a point, thump the table and say: Enough is Enough. Wishing you the best.

Thanks for your message Spud. If my positively saves you some cash and time - two things in short supply! - it's worth it. Get to Day 3!

Had a good day, self excluded from my local bookies, can only do it for 12 months now, used to be for five, cynic in me might Imagine they want my business back sooner. Missus changed the PIN numbers on my cards so I'm safe to a certain extent. Don't like setting targets but I'll try & reach fifty days & take it from there.

Hi Spud, good moves and take your point about setting targets that seem to yawn ahead. One day at a time.

Feeling lower than a snakes belly, how do you manage to take all the s**t that's happened over the years due to gambling & just say enough is enough & just move on. Is that possible? Abstain, relapse, relapse, abstain, relapse, relapse, the story of my life. Need to find some positivity from somewhere, I know things will improve the longer I stay away from that miserable habit. Onwards & upwards.

I understand where you're coming from spud, believe me. Yes, there are many words to say "stop" but to me, ultimately its come down to this:

I'm tired. I'm bored of it. I've had enough.

Cheers Mixer, you're right, I am tired, bored & definitely have had enough. It grinds you down, sucks the life out of you, but yet I keep going back. Walked down a local high street this morning, 5 bookies within 600 yards, all preying & leeching on the poor, sick, & weak. No- one gives a toss, this country is morally bankrupt, as long as they're all getting their pound of flesh, they all happily turn a blind eye to these leeches ripping the hearts out of communities. I'm not dancing with the devil no more.

Six days without a bet, no great urges to deal with, will miss not doing a coupon & a few horses at Cheltenham tomorrow, but what's the point, if I lose I'll end up chasing & if I win it will just all go back & then some. Missus has disappeared to visit family for a week, been left with £60 to see me through, determined to have a few quid left when she gets back. Have a good gamble free weekend everyone.

Had a gamble free weekend, first one in quite a few months. Sat in the pub with friends who all had football coupons & racing bets on. They can deal with losing, I can't, simple as. Nice feeling to end the weekend with a few quid still in my pocket. Here's to a gamble free week.