okay,
How do you start this? Well it is Christmas 2014 and I have done it again! The old story of pay day nemesis, you wait for what feels like a life time until payday because of last months episode but can't control yourself once again! Why? maybe it's because you get so excited that you finally have money again or maybe a relief, bringing an uncertain comfort because you convince yourself it will only be 'x-amount' and you really can limit yourself this time.... Untill you hit the dreaded 'chase'. We all know deep down inside that this is rubbish! And the safest bet is not to even begin gambling. Pun intended.
Okay so, a very long story short, I have been gambling for many years, even while I was in Iraq I found a way, I have lost my wife twice through this parasitical addiction, once halfway through Iraq and now just after Afghanistan! Great stuff eh! Why, you ask..... Because I find a strange comfort socialising with others that also disregard anyone else whilst under the hypnotic trance of selfish, disgusting, heartless, pointless and empty habit. This is how you feel when you have started with thousands . . . Hundreds of pounds untill you are on your last £10, £20 convinced you can win it all back, no you must... Because Christmas will not happen if either; 1. You turn back time and stop yourself (which you never seem to do) or 2. Somehow you hit a jackpot on a bandit or rebuild a bankroll at poker (which again, we all know is unlikely)!
Okay, so why have I written this short self indulging whine. Because I like many thousands have had enough of myself! I have a 7yr old son that is counting on me because he is confused as to why his father spent 7 maths away then when he finally got back, left him again because his mother couldn't cope with his addiction. I have a fantastic mother that has gone through hell watching her son ruin himself while she has had to pick up the pieces ever single time! I have almost ruined yet again another Christmas for this innocent little boy and, I am at the end of my exhaustive battle with gambling.
Please, if anyone reading this relates or feels the same comment, chat, confess and let us once and for all look forward to a for filling full enjoyable life without this compulsive parasite,
all comments, advice and criticism are welcome.
I have never been so determind to kick this problem, who's with me?
I hear you Paul9276,
The feelings are very eloquently put & I am glad to hear you have reach the end of this battle. Welcome to recovery!
I shall be commenting as I too am a compulsive gambler (albeit one in recovery) so in no position to advise...
Your son is 7, as much as he may like a PS4 for Christmas what most little boys really want is time with their Daddy...As long as you are not wasting it gambling, you will have plenty to spare! Take him to the park for a kick about if he's sporty or to the library for a whispered story if not, treasure hunts in the woods or local park cost a little imagination & the price of a pencil & piece of paper as long as they come in a free bag to collect all the goodies in. You haven't ruined Christmas!
I have almost 3 decades of gambling behind me, this year is going to be my 1st gamble free Christmas & if I can do it I'm pretty certain someone who has spent time in Iraq & Afghanistan jolly well can!
Gambling does not exist without us, we exist without gambling - ODAAT
Just joined recently, and everything you say echoes with me. Particularly the part about waiting for pay day. You must have been through some terrible times in the war zones, you so deserve to be able to beat this horrible addiction. I have what someone described as the 'gambling chip', so, like my alcoholic brother-in-law, every day is a new fight to not gamble. Being on here has already helped - I am only 4 days 'clean', but would have definitely gambled yesterday, but for having to admit to it on this forum. I hope being on here helps you, you are most certainly not alone.
mimicath
Hi Paul,
I have been chasing for the last 3 months. I have never really truly embraced the mantra - "I cannot win because I cannot stop". I need to because it is simple and very true. I have kids and a loving wife and they have no idea about this. I am on the verge of destroying it and I need to stop. I find these forums useful but also a little bit remote. I had my last bet today and wondered if you and I could keep track of each other's progress and keep each other on target? I think it would be easier if I knew I was in tandem with someone else's journey. It might stop me throwing it all away as I tend to do on my own. My target is not to gamble ever again but the first milestone for me is to get to Christmas. Anyway just an idea - no need to respond if you don't want to.
All the best in your recovery.
Mark
Thank you for your comments, ODAAT - I took strength for what you wrote and it is fair to say that on occasion helped me to get to my 4th day without a bet.
Mimicath - I hope your still going strong, you mention 'only 4 days' we know how difficult just 1 day can be so 4 days is a fantastic start. Hope your looking forward to christmas.
Hi Mark,
In short, Yes certainally and I think that it would help me aswell.
Mark the first thing that stands out from what you wrote is the pressure you've got yourself under keeping this to yourself. Your fully aware of your situation and this is just a reflection of my own experience but, one of the driving forces for a bad chase is because you believe that 'if' you do get it back then there would be no need to upset anyone, when in actual fact I always knew I was making my situation worse.
From my post its obvious that my mum is the one I turn to, but having to tell her I have gambled again unfortunately can be a driving factor of the chase.
Without mincing my words .... I think if I sat my wife down and we spoke about it openly then came up with a plan together, maybe she wouldnt of felt betrayed. I found it so hard to tell her because obviously I love both my wife and kid so much I didnt want to hurt either of them, so I tried to deal with it on my own and it compounded my problems.
I sincerely hope that you and your family have the best Christmas and for me its is going to a time of gratification, I have my son christmas eve, i have got off lightly (this time) but I will never compromise myself again like this.
All the best to you Mark, stay strong and one day at a time can sound like a clichГ©, but I find it helps. Post anytime, I am going to check in everyday.
Paul
Hi Paul,
You are absolutely right and a large part of me wants to tell her. However I had to sit her down many years ago and explain that I had got us into big trouble and it almost broke her. I can't do it to her. If she finds out then so be it and I will have to deal with the consequences. I am not in trouble financially. I couldn't afford to loose the money but I can cover the losses. The best I can do for her is to demonstrate my desire to be better by having many days in recovery. I am never ever doing this again. Day 14 off the drink and day 2 off the gambling. I have completely surrendered this time. No part of me wants to chase. Maybe I surrendered too late - hopefully not. I want to enjoy the rest of my life and the time I have with my family. I hope you have that quality time too. Hopefully we can both build up the days off and have that long lasting recovery that we deserve. You are also right about it being one day at a time. It can be frustrating slow to start with but they do build up eventually. I also like the mantra of hand it over. In other words don't try to control everything. What will be will be and try and live your life in the present. I am bad at that - always scheming in the future or worrying about the past and the future. Anyway thanks for responding and likewise I will be checking in daily. Have a good day today. Mark
Hi Mark,
How have you been, keeping stong I hope its 6 days here for me and I still feeling as strongly as I did last week.
Had my little boy this weekend so that was always going to bring me some strength, managed to get decorated for Christmas so things are looking up so far.
Hope your well Mark and have had a good weekend, a fresh day and week to get in the box tomorrow. ODAAT
Hi Paul,
Just been reading your thread and firstly just wanted to say congratulations on the journey so far. It sounds like you've had a tough time of things and especially trying to deal with this whilst serving overseas, and huge respect to you for that.
ive been battling for a number of the years and it got worse in the last 2 years. However I have turned a corner fessed up and now I am on a winning track. I've not gambled for over 6 weeks and I'm feeling better than ever. I'm open with my wife about finances now as we are better than ever. Before I was trying to self cure alone and no it didn't work as it's easy to slip back in which is why I would really recommend you tell someone Mark - there is only one way it is going if you keep it to yourself and it's not better I'm afraid.
Keep posting and keep strong, we're all in this together!
Day 9 - Not thought about gambling all day today i hope this continues for the rest of the month, still payday will be the biggeat test!
Hope your well Mark and keeping strong.
Thank you fighter1 this is the begining of a journey that i am determind to complete.
Good luck to all that read, ODAAT is working for me I hope it is you too.
Hi Paul,
Well done on getting to Day 9. I am glad that you had a good weekend. Sorry for the slow response. I am doing well thanks on day number 5. When's payday? I will make sure I am around to post encouragement. I keep saying to myself that I have surrendered and it feels different. Every time I think about gambling the normal butterflies in my stomach have been replaced by a huge wave of tiredness. At the moment I don't ever want to gamble again. I will not gamble again but it really helps not to want to! I am really pleased that you are doing so well. Keep enjoying your recovery and don't be tempted by any false promises - we both know where you will end up. Take care. Mark
Hi Paul,
Well done,i really hope things work out for you mate, you seem like a decent guy, who has fought for his country etc (i was in for under 3 years) as even back then gambling controlled my life so much that i blew the career id always hoped to have as a boy, if only i could turn back time eh.
Anyway were all similar in what we are going through and with each passing day we can add another page on our diaries and be proud to tell each other that we have managed another day gambling free.
im still in early days (day2) but i had to start somewhere and im glad i did, i too will be on site everyday, as i do think the thought of having to tell everyone that im back at day1 again kind of scares me, which is a good thing i think 🙂
take care mate, All the best David.
Day 10!
Double figures, had some thoughts today about the casino and gambling but quickly reminded myself that this isn't healthy.
Thank you everyone for your post and keep going Mark let's keep hold of those thoughts that drove us here in the 1st place.
Thanks Emily yep double figures today and still working ODAAT.
David well all start somewhere and there seem to be a few of us here at the beginning of this. It has to be a better life ... Not hiding what you are doing from everyone, the lies deceit and of course that dreaded feeling when everything has gone. Again!
The way forward is to start enjoying the life we can have without being dictated to by gambling.
Good luck everyone hope tomorrow brings minimal temptation.
Paul - congratulations on double figures. That's a great result. Stay focused and don't allow those thoughts of gambling any space in your head. It's a dangerous, life destroying activity for us. However everywhere you look it is packaged as just a bit of harmless fun. So hard sometimes to see it what it is and not for what it isn't. Keep up the good fight and stay strong! All the best. Mark
It's two weeks today .....
Hope things are well Mark, last few days have been fine, still very positive and looking forward to christmas, I hope everyone is staying strong and looking forward to the days ahead gamble free.
Mark you are so right with it being advertised as harmless fun, in our case this is far from the truth and a good point to remember. ODAAT
Just a quick check in. I read everyday because it has been reminding me and keep me strong. I some how made it through this month again. I know how. But I promise myself everyday that I will never struggle again like I have through gambling.
The dreaded pay day is on the horizon but I am more than confident that I will get through it! ODAAT good luck everyone hope everyone's keeping strong and fighting their demons
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