here we go on the roller coaster...to a new start..

hi hun.. i slept loads better last night,, was very tired and instead of going too the shops for my wine.. or cider, i decided no,, go to bed early and watch a dvd and thats exactly what i done.. watched handcock good film 🙂 was asleep by 10pm can't believe it feel loads better this morning with out my morning hangover! not thinking about bingo at all.. just need to stay focused for losing weight for the holiday and having the next 5 weeks gamble and drink free hope i dont give in tonight as hubby is back from scotland and we normally sit on e*e and drink till early hours... lol hes brining a dvd anyways i suggested it, so another early night for me its only for 5 weeks! thats not long at all is it haha... keep up the great work hunni if you are feeling down email me or sumit i check my emails all the time tc shell xx

Day 5

Well what a day i've had...hmmmm just got home and first thing i have done is lappy on to write my diary...i can say that i'm so positive about not gambling any more....due to the support i'm getting from you all and this diary.... can't believe i wasn't here sooner...but thats life... Tonight i'm going to play darts back into the winter season game 3 tonight have won one and lose one...so hope i win tonight fingers crossed...tomorrow am going to carboot to sell my stuff which i do on a regular basis...really enjoy doing them...then saturday night out with the girls round town for a good old boogie...hopefully won't have a hangover from hell sunday lol..

well michelle hope you have a lovely time with your boyfriend not going say i'm jealous lol not! lol...been single for 4 years now...does get hard sometimes do miss the company but i'm sure i will find mr right sometime... i shall be on and off all weekend same to you hun if ya need me just send me mail love to all who's reading my diary and tc (((((((to all))))))) george x

hi girl xxx

Rodders 'e*e...

well read your posts so far....

listen girl; bit of advice.....dont ever let bailiffs bully you...always remember, they are only things !!!

you got plenty of time to get everything back.....honest you have xxx

most important thing is you get yourself back on track and the forum's the place .

people who actually understand what you're going through n have shared similar experiences.....we're not all bad people; just people with very similar situations happening to us because of this desease !!!

no, not that sort...talkin bout gamblin bug !!

anyhow...you need to keep your sense of humour about you george and look at the bigger picture xx

thanx for reading my diary...must have taken ages...however I have had to regret 38 years...don't be the same....80 odd days in comparison ? bit rubbish really...

still, the kids are enjoying having me around instead of me being toooo busy !!....

gotta go n post elsewhere...so it's hang in there and hopefully you'll find some peace this week xx

Rodders

well its sunday morning...and wooo don't have a hangover but am so tired...mind you i didn't get in till gone 3am...did i dance the night...am sure i fell over at some point last night got a nice bruise coming on my leg doh! lol..well day 7 going well havn't had the urge to gambling yet! taking a day at it comes. thankyou rodders for your lovely reply...this forum has been a great help ....shall be back shortly to write more need some food.....lol

hi hun,,, hope you enoyed the rest of your day and didnt receive a belated hangover, after the food thing i mean,, normally myself feel worse off lol.. i bet it was nice too let your hair down for a change with the lasses i went out last night also first time in mths.. and wasn't itching too get home and play online either.. tc hun your doing great.

hey,

well i had something to eat and fell asleep for about 2 hours have spent the day watching movies...it was great having a duvet day...lol...do feel a bit rough but not too bad...just been on live chat and met some great peeps..was nice to just off load and not being judged...feels great... another day gamble free.....wooooo it does feel great typing that... well done hun for going out and enjoying yourself...i so needed it aswell...x

Hi... Doing well mate... Keep strong.I would suggest be more involved with your girl.I think it is amazing to have kids even though I haven't got one.I'm sure she loves you a lot and you have great relationships don't let gambling to take it away from you.

hi tommy..

Thankyou for the lovely post...yes my daughter means the world to me...and i'm doing it for her....good luck as well tommy was nice meeting you in chat xx

woo 7 days now gamble free and it feels good...been a positive day have been busy at work....had a look at a new house tonight got to go and get the form for 2 references to start the move...fingers cross have told the letting agent about my situations don't think there should be a problem...because i have 3 years of paying rent behind me never been late with paying it and never been behind on household bills either but told them about having bad credit...not worth lying she said worsed case i would need someone else to put name by the side who works full time..which i can ask me mum...phew!! was hard telling the truth...the landlord excepts pets which has helped...i just believe moving and saving £50 a month would help me...i can start paying my debt back without bailiffs at my door...peeps might think i'm running away from the situation but i'm not i want to save up and pay them in one go the ones i can afford...then set up a iva or debt management scheme for the ones i can't...hope you can understand what i'm saying...well to me i have started changing my life...for the good..so am now going to have an early night...hopefully speak ya all soon xx tc x

Well another good day "Gamble Free" feels really good to be able to say that...i have picked up the form for the new house just got to fill it in now...trying to think positive about it...have spend most of the evening with my close friends and my daughter was lovely...they are going on holiday for 2 weeks...so am gonna be bored...so will have to sort out my evenings while they are away...even my parents are away for a week at the same time not good :(...going to make plans to vivst my sister she lives about 20 mins away she will wonder what on earth am doing round there lol but hey keeps me busy...pay day thursay that will be the tester....anyway getting late going to bed shall be back tomorrow to write in my diary...who ever is reading this thankyou xx

wd hun keep up the good work 🙂

Hi Bandit here, thanks for your support, I have just had 12 days off work and felt a bit like you do thinking what can I do, how can I fill in my time but it was OK, I caught up on visiting a few friends, out walking the dog even managed to go for a swim, and read loads, keep positive and if its pay day tomorrow go and treat yourself to something good, Well done

well its 10 days now woo...its going faster "gamble free"...

didn't write in my diary yesterday you will understand...i feel i have to write abit about myself..really just to offload..so here goes... ( sorry about grammer and spelling my weak subject...but talk for hours lol)

I started gambling at a very early age as far back as i can remember...it started with the 2p/1p machines...a ВЈ1.00 would last me hours lol..ВЈ200.00 now 10 mins :(..anyway most of the gambling started as a young child parents giving us kids 20p to a ВЈ1.00 to spend in the arcades when they wanted a few hours peace on holidays...then it became norm on our 2 to 3 holidays a year to spend most of our time in arcades...I didn't have a very good relationship with my dad when i was growing up..as he was the youngest out of 3 he felt he got nothing and he eldest brother got everything..so i found he was very loving to my sister and other 2 brothers..i got used to it i did feel sometimes was trying to win his affections, however had a very good relationship with my mum. Our relationship got very difficult when i was to leave school, it was no messing with him you either stay at school or get a job..i know now he was doing the best for me...i did leave school and started working full time as a care assistant stayed for a year then went back to college part time. At this time of my life i met my partner i thought the world of him...at this time i was gambling my wages in the arcade but on 10p slot machines...i always paid my board on time i kept ВЈ10 for my driving lesson then ВЈ20.00 for going out with my partner then the rest was entertainment on slots...i was still living at home...still having issues with my dad but could live with it..then the day came when we decided to move in together...woo i had to save and do you know what !!!i stopped gambling and i started working 7 days a week and saved £3,000 because i felt this was so important and i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him..After working for about 6 months i did become ill for working too much had the flu virus so bad ended up so ill bed ridden for weeks..I was so grateful that my partner parents help us out to pay towards moving into our new house....can you image new home it was the best time of my life...was gamble free for about 1yr...the gambling started up again when i had a big fall out with my dad and sister..we was to arrange a birthday party..mine was 21st and my sister was to be 18...My dad was a very good dart player and for many of years kept winning holidays this year he won 2 holidays...and gave me the other caravan rather then wasting it. We both went and took our best mate my parents were in the other caravan with my sister and her friend and my 2 brothers...if i remember correctly my sister and her friend travelled in our car..my sister was very jealous of me i was the size 8/10 and she was 3 years younger and much bigger frame...she found this very hard to cope with, thinking of it now am surpised she nevered killed me..couple of days into the holiday she became so nasty and awful to me and got out of hand...and my partner refused her to return home in our car..they had a massive row my dad got involved it all ended up being my fault... we then didn't speak for 2 years...became very difficult due to my mum trying not to get involved, my dad told her to choose between me or him on many occasions...which really hurt her and me.. just to point out my dad was a prison officer...say no more. on my 21st birthday i had a house party and invited the family..my mum did turn up with my youngest brother which i was so happy about...and loved every minute of it...then it got worse...i didn't realise till the next day my parents had a massive fight before she came and my dad did it again made her choose between her kids and him...well she was strong enough to get a taxi and come over to mine...well she rang me the next day and said your dad had left her...well i was straight over to support my mum...i was so angry that a grown man could do this...my mum was so deversatered...well you can image i was going to do anything to get my dad back...i started to ring the prison where he worked...i managed to get hold of him until he realised it was me and put the phone down...i just keeped ringing till he finally listened to me ( i think the po was getting so fed up me ringing and made him listen)...i told him what a fool he was i know for the first time in my life i stood up to him and told him how i felt and what he was doing to our mum...i did promise him i wouldn't get in the way of there relationship...but repect her if you do love her so much...am crying now typing this... anyway i did leave my mum that day and got a phone call to say he had returned that night... it was 2 years later before i ever spoken to my father...i started gambling again rather talking to anyone about it i hid it away...was still working full time made sure my bills were paid but anything else was flushed away...it wasn't about the winning.. i could disappear in the world of lights and colours..nudging the colums down and not think about anything else..I can rememebr this bit very clearly i was on my way to my usual arcade i felt so sick...had been for a couple of days..and realised i hadn't had my periods...i was like o*g i can't be well i was...pregnant!!!! jesus that did change my life..gambling did stop had no choice i had my new baby to keep busy.....life was good then..until my daughter reached 6 months old..and my partner had an accident which left him in hospital for months..i live in northamptonshire still do..anyway he was in hospital in london...i can remember getting that phone call telling me what happened...he had trapped both of arms under a lift...image what a mess...that night i rang my mum to have my daughter...then realising i hadn't seen my dad for 2 years... i couldn't believe i was going there to leave my daughter there which my dad hadn't seen her..wooo it was hard...i arrived handed her over to my mum he sat in the chair and just nodded..thats it i wanted so much more a cuddle telling me its ok everything was going be fine...but nothing...i droved down to london crying all the way smoked about 40 f**s...when i got to the hosptial it was awful he was in a right mess. didn't know who i was...both arms bandaged been in threatre whilst i was driving down...had to have both arms cut 2 cuts to each side..to release the pressure his arms was just like tree trunks...well he spent months in hosptial me going every day to care for him....well i started to have problems with his family...cut a long story short i wasn't good enough for him...his mum was the worse one out of them....i could cope with all the little comments over the years...but when she made the phone call after he was in hospital for a week saying if he is disabled from this accident he is coming home to live with me not you...i was so shocked she could say something like that...suppose now looking back she was upset and in shock...i did feel at the time i was on borrowed time up and down to london every day trying look after a young baby...not working and living off credit cards...it was hard...had no money coming in...he started to recover slowly and managed to come home for a weekend to see how we would manage...it was successful...he ended up going back to hospital every day then had to go back to have skin graphs but on the cuts they did...took ages for his arms to return to normal...the nurses and dr's were all great the scarest part was he would lose all his muscle and would take months even up to a year to gain his feeling back in both arms/hands..it was a nightmare...when things started to get back to normal about an year and a half later...he had all his feeling back in both arms could move all his fingers but had lost his feeling in his little fingers and had like pins and needles on the side of his hands...one hand better than the other...he was so lucky...but i loved him so much whatever had happened i was there for him....every day in hospital he wouldn't let the nurses shave him or even wash him i had to do most of it...even at home was a nightmare trying to bathe someone with both arm's in black bin liners...and having bandages on both thighs where the skin graphs came from.... it was very difficult unsetlled time of my life...but we both got throught it..started to have a family life again with my d
ad...he loved my daughter...bit weird though he would kiss her cuddle her so much...not saying i'm jealous am glad he could show his affection to her...which made me so happy. My partner started back to work...with a different company actually back to the one he left 2 years before the accident... he couldn't go back to the company they weren't very good with supporting us..and he started to file a court case against them..anyway life was getting good...until my best friend at the time started to put weird things into my head..... well am going to eat my dinner and shall be back to write more..thanks for reading george x

right back again...wooo didn't realised i typed sooooo much...well still have more to get off my chest....

My best friend at the time...i felt she was supportive helping me with childcare whilst i was up and down to the hospital etc..i never noticed really i was starting to have problems with my relationship with my partner i can say our s*x life went down the pan for a while...which you can understand it was so difficult with his bandages etc i felt i was a carer rather then a lover..my role did changed. When he was better back to work he social life did become more noticable going out every weekend..he would go out friday i would go out saturday if i could be bothered with my best friend...then he would be out again on a sunday evening..i just thought that was life being young parents...didn't have babysitters on tap like..so thats what we did...then this friday afternoon she mentioned he's going out a lot laterly..i was like yes anddddddddd didn't know what she was getting at! then she never mentioned it again till later on...now looking back i was so stupid not for questioning her quicker hmmm thats life i have learnt that lesson well..anyway i believe she was only going out round town with me on saturday nights...until he mention he saw her round town on friday nights aswell...i thought it was a bit odd she never said anything...he would always moan about her saying things like she is fat and ugly..has no brain between her head she is only using you...to look after her child...to me she was a good friend she was there when i needed her and visa versa...our realtionship was getting very hard...he was more worried about going out at weekends then spending time with me and little one...then again she popped round one afternoon and said it again don't you think he goes out alot...and it started making me question what our life was..our s*x life was carp...my s*x drive had disappeared...and when we did i had to have a glass of wine to relax me...it felt like a chore...i couldn't understand why it was like this....he would moan at me...now i believed the more he moaned the worse it got...i loved him so much but couldn't bare his hands on me..the more she questioned on what he was up too the worse it got...then one day i snapped i couldn't live with it any more i felt i was going insane...thoughts in my head...hes cheating on me he doesn't love me...having that attitude his life had flashed past him and only had one life so he was going out to enjoy it...and sod me and his little one...o*g i can now feel the feelings i had then...i just can't believe we both didn't have counselling after his accident!!!!!! i left him a note saying i needed time apart and going to stay with my parents for a while...well he broke down...and begged me to stay promised me the world we would get married...to be honest at that period in time it ment nothing ..in the back of my head i could see a women all over him and i couldn't let him touch me or even come anywhere near me...i felt so sick...i did leave and lived with my parents worsed mistake i did...lol i started working nights 3 a week needed them to help me...it was hard...well i only took stuff i needed for basic clothing..i returned back to our home to collect some things about 3 weeks later...well put it this way i didn't leave...i walked into the house...i think most women would agree with me..you now when a women has been in your house...i could smell a different perfurm..just things looked out of place....i went to the bathroom and found a third toothbrush...contact lens solution..which me or him never had...well i walked into the bedroom and found my so called best friend clothes on the floor, bed was in a mess..so you can image i went mad..i rang him up at work..about 2pm...and told him to get his ar*e home....i then rang her house and her boyfriend answered...my partner must have sent her a text to warn her...i asked for her and told him what i had found...he just went quite and said don't worry i will sort it...well about 15 mins later he arrived home...i was so angry i just wanted to kill him...i was screaming at him like a mad women..he just stood there and said "well you left" with no care in the world..i stood my ground and said your not going to us my house as a whorehouse...i picked all her stuff up and when down the street to where she lived. Well i banged on her front door so loud that half the street heard...her partner answered the door..i started screaming at him...you can guess what i was saying...he wouldn't let me in so i threw all her clothes in the middle of the road...i screamed if i ever see her i would kill her...o*g looking back now i was defo a mad women....i returned back to the house....i made it quite clear i wasn't leaving that he should but he didn't....i worked nights so i could have a bit of a life ...he continued to work days...he went out at weekends...we lived like thats for months....i stayed in my daughters bedroom when we were both there. Life was really rubbish...then i was back to the world of slots and bingo....any free time i had i was in the little arcade in town...every penny i had was gone...i didn't care money didn't mean anything....just wanted the big hole i was in to swallow me up...i went out one night a met this fella o*g he saw a girl with no confidence and realised he had a winner here...how stupid was i...he know i was in a failed relationship intented to get some money...my ex then decided to buy me out..i had already had a small bank load which paid it off. but i needed a car i ended up living with my sister for a while until i got myself rehomed...well i moved in with this fella...and he cleared me dry...o*g was i so stupid just believed every word he said...he started to use his fists on me when i questioned him on anything...i know i had to get out...one night it got so bad...my daughter was with her dad...i knew i had to ring him to get me out of trouble..we had been seperated now for about 1 1/2 yrs...and do you know he did...i couldn't thank him enough he was like my knight in shining amour...he got my stuff out of the place and helped me to get some of my things back..i then moved back into my sisters place again..like a bloody yo yo...me and my ex started to get on great good communication going on started to text each other...my feelings for him was always there...but was so scared of going back...then he texted me and said would you like to go out for a drink and get your sister to have our daughter ...o*g i felt like i was 16 again the same feelings i had when i had my first date with him....

ok got to stop now fingers are aching lol

will type more soon xx george xx

o*g hun i know what you are going thru with your dad i think!!!! my dad hates me i think.. he loves the kids too death but always put me down all of the time anything i do is not good enough... i wish i had a camera for my day too day business etc see what i do all day he will be smiling at the end of it cause i do blooming everything i do not let my house go to waste i do clean everyday he just needs too see what i do from day too day grrr it really annoys me lol sorry for ranting in your diary cant on mine lol ... its about bingo hehe well thats another thing he'd hate hahaha i look forward too reading part 3 do u get back with him or not????