It's been a while since I updated this diary, but thought I would check in again.
Unfortunately, I've relapsed since my last entry. I'm not proud of that but I also can't go back and change it, so just need to look forward.
My finances are still okay, but of course I'm living with the regret of losing money that could have helped me.
Would also just add that I've now got a block on my debit card for all gambling transactions. I would recommend it to anyone that reads this. Many banks offer the service now.
I can imagine that will work well for a lot of people especially since gambling with credit cards is banned as well.
I thought I would add another entry into my diary as I've not done so in a while.
I'm still going along okay. 2020 was an insane year. I experienced my biggest highs through gambling and my lowest lows as well. A lot of that probably had to do with lockdown and having more time to gamble.
Something I've experienced over the years is the bigger the win the bigger the fall. It's funny because as addicts, we often think that if we just get that one big win or if we just get to a certain amount, then we will either stop or we will withdraw a big chunk and reduce our stakes accordingly.
I'm in a lucky position in the sense that I am okay financially but it's been a difficult year and I'm still trying to come to terms with some of the turmoil I experienced in 2020.
Feeling okay. The lockdown is tough. I think everyone is sick of it just now. I'm exercising more though and forcing myself out to the local park or just a jog near where I live. I've found running to be good for my mental health. I can rarely be bothered doing it, but once it's done, I feel great. I need to lose around a stone as well so hopefully the exercise helps.
I've been watching a lot of sport during lockdown. I love live sport, but over the years it has become synonymous with gambling for me. I'm at a stage of the addiction where I can watch a football match or a game of snooker without feeling the need to bet, which is a relief. But I still find the sheer number of gambling adverts during a game to be really abhorrent. There's just too many. The logo on the strip is just about okay and I understand some teams rely on the sponsorship revenue, but the banners around the side of the pitch are too invasive. Unfortunately with there being no crowd, the eye is drawn to them even more.
I'm just taking each day as it comes. It's a difficult time for everyone just now. There's so much negativity around because of COVID. The news is depressing. But I still believe there's light at the end of the tunnel and I'm looking forward to some sort of normality in the not too distant future. I'm looking forward to going to watch a football match or going to the cinema. These sort of mundane things were taken for granted before, but will be cherished when we can get out of this situation we're all in just now.
Hi Chris, since the end of September. October and November were really tough, but I was determined to get through those months. It's been slightly easier since then.
@david31 Nearly three months then, good going.
Whatever you are doing keep doing it, but if you find something specific triggers those feelings just try to remove yourself from the situation, for example you mentioned watching sport. If you find yourself checking odds after the event or seeing how many corners there were(just as a random example), maybe leave sport alone for a while.
Just a thought for you.
Chris.
Thanks a lot Chris. I've definitely been guilty of that in the past. Maybe just checking an oddshchecking site, more out of habit than anything, then convincing myself something is a good price, being strong and not having a bet on it, only to watch that potential bet come in at a canter. It then puts me on "tilt." The best thing is just to stay away from these sites as you said. I have Gamban on my laptop as well, so it stops me from having a look.
I've felt like c**P the past 2 days. Not sure why. Made a mistake today of checking a casino tracker website that shows the recent multipliers on a set of particular games that I used to play. I just happened to look when a huge payout had just happened. I'm not even sure why I looked to be honest.
I have an unhealthy relationship with money. To be honest, money kind of confuses me. Just even the concept of it. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I just can't get my head round it sometimes.
I'm hoping my mood picks up in the coming days. Gambling was a great form of escape for me.
Hi david, I think most compulsive gamblers would tell you that they have a unhealthy relationship with money. You will read lots of posts on here that say about begrudgingly buying new clothes or thinking £20 for a pair of jeans is extortionate but thinking nothing of sticking £100 on the next horse race. For me money in my hands is like a hot potato and always has been long before I ever started gambling. So as well as being nearly 8months gamble free finally aged nearly 55years young I'm learning to budget,save and have restraint when shopping ! Don't look temptation in the face, looking at websites is torture...it won't end well. Tomorrow is a new day I hope you'll feel more settled
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