Hope

Maybe as you get older, maybe as i get older a certain realism sets in. Just been watching Fergal keanes look at the lives of a diverse set of peoples from the farms of the south west to the ship yards of the north to the council estates somewhere in between. Live is tough isn't it but folk cope and carry on don't they?

It seems to me that family is what keeps people going and then work is the glue that holds most peoples family lives together. Without work what do you do? You get bored and you drift and you get stuck in a rut and what happens when you drift and get stuck in a rut..?? well whatever it is its seldom good is it, thats been my experince anyway and the experince of many of the folk in the programme

Like i say I think i am developing a gritty realism. I work (I have my glue) but it has nothing to stick to. I continue to float around on the open ocean of life with little idea of destination. There is a massive disconnect between how my life could be and how it actually is. Its hard to come to terms with and even harder to do anything about but the consequnces of not doing anything about it is simply more of the same.

I don't intend to feel this way or be this way forever, cos then addiction would have won wouldn't it??.. I would have surrendered to oblivion. The path to prison, insanity or death. Ok so my words this evening are melancholly but that is how i feel right now. Tomorrow i will feel different thats for sure. I will cope and carry on. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey SA...

Melancholy is good ...dont apologise...it's introspection and taking all the "stuff' that comes in processing it and making some sense of it that you can subscibe to...

I suppose Dot for me is one thing I stick my glue to...as a while back without her I think I would have just drifted..possibly overseas again as travelling usually has been my ultmate drug that I put on a pedastal.

I have no desire to do that now.

Life is tough as you say but people get through.In the absence of family thing I stick my glue to is community..and thankfully nowadays it does'nt mean physical proximity to people as in our case on here its virtual.

The work I get involved with also serves as a community of likeminds I guess.

Everyones playing by different rules these days in the global village thats why it's harder to tell who is friend or foe..in small pockets of communities they are all pulling in the same direction towards th same end goal so you get strength and safety in numbers.

Just my ramblings there....

Keep posting....you always get my old grey matter working aswell....two way street.

R and D xx

Day 15

Hey Rach.. thanks, wise words indeed. I was feeling out of sorts yesterday, but like you say, thats ok.

Likewise the virtual world and this place is a pillar of support for me in the absence of family. Don't get me wrong I have family are they are lovely but they are not physically "here" or just a few streets away as they are with many folk. To be honest I wouldn't want to change that dynamic but at the same time I recognise my need for day to day support which i have to find from somewhere. Today work has kinda filled that function. It was a laugh. Like you say, in a more chaotic global world the nature of support and community and that sense of belonging is changing.

No gambling problems and thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Morning. Your a fighter S.A. This addiction well never get you back. You've had the odd slip but that's all it's been and I know you'll keep fighting on and one day you'll get to where you wanna be. Im glad ya eyes have been fine since and I'm sure the test will come back fine. You sound like a healthy guy to me and your probably right and it's a low sugar thing. Look after yourself.

Day 17... no gambling problems today or since my last entry

Thanks David.. ive been battling this for a long long time now. The reality is that this addiction does come back to bite me on the b*m from time to time. The number of events might be small but their impact has been significant both financially and psychologically. But overall in the great scheme of things I am heading in a positive direction.

Strange old day. A collegue of mine who is a heavy gambler but doesn't lose complete control... did get into a tizzy today cos he lost his betting slip.. a winning slip i might add. He was well stressed out for a time, it certainly affected his work focus. I just smiled to myself thankful it wasn't me.

Anyway am ok. No news on my recent medical tests and like you say David I think that there aint nout wrong with me besides just overdoing it on the running. Ive eased off a bit just for now with the colder weather and all that but also enjoying running with collegues at work with a local club.

As for work... well it continues. Just taking things a day at a time as always. need to keep on my guard as the work drinks is on Friday. My aim is not to get drunk. It will not be easy as most people at my work are big drinkers. But whatever happens I just need to remind myself that however drunk and hungover i may get... it aint no reason to go on a gambling bender.

Thanks for listening folks... S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Glad to see things seem on an even keel : )

Do you reckon you could freeze all your credit and debit cards in a tub of water on Thursday night, and just take cash? I saw it on Superscrimpers! It takes so long to chip away all the ice, that it gives you time to come to your senses/pass out/give up!

Cutting all access to anything over £40 at once really worked for me. I just made it literally impossible to go on a bender. I could still gamble what I had, but removed the threat of doing real lasting damage to my finances.

I am sure you will be grand anyway though!

Take care,

f x

Day 18

yes fair point, good idea Freda. I'd like to think that i'd moved on from having to take drastic measures but my history suggests that I may f*** up at any point up to and beyond the exmas period. Keep safe isn't it

I am tired and P***** off today. I just feel like am taken for granted. Lazy idle people who are quite happy for others to take the strain really get on my nerves. I woosh i could just go to work and play on my phone all day, or go outside for a f*g every few minutes but i can't and i won't, so why do other poeple think that they can?? Selfish.

O and why i am having a moan. I will never vote tory. Thye are so out of touch with ordinary working people. Why is it that working people getting tax credits get penalised with less than inflation rise?? Isn't it supposed to pay to be in work and paying taxes?? And why have they not introduced a mansion tax??...isn't it the case that those with the broadest shoulders should pay more?? Lets vote them out at the next election.

No gambling problems.. thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

P.s 8 km (5 miles) in 38 minutes and 53 seconds... not bad for middle aged bloke

Hello fastest middle aged bloke...

Good post there and good to see you typing out all those thoughts instead of festering...y'know how i am a fan of self expression..

Tax ...Wow...a subject in itself...I stopped voting about 17 yrs ago when I decided that unless it goes like the aussie system where it is compulsory to vote but you have a tick box of "vote of no confidence for any of em" then I wasnt going to bother...Proportional representation will never get that far as figures will be jiggled but a nice idea.

I liked labs John Smith before he mysteriously died of an untimely heart attack and I also had a fondness for Tony Benn but after that my interest waned..

Those with the broadest shoulders know all the loopholes,set up off shore accounts to divert funds... ssome pay no corporation tax in the UK and pay the dutch royalties instead for the trade name "Starbucks"!... .lol..guess who was on the brunt of my my pet peev this week

off me soap box now.xxx

R and D xx

hi there

hope you slept well and feel a bit better today x

Hi SA,

I have every confidence that you won't gamble - I hope that came across! but we all know that it is good to protect ourselves against the random moments of madness that seem to come out of nowhere. Make it literally impossible! that is my motto! : )

It is a tough one the reasons you are so frustrated...because you are having a conflict between what you think is right, and your desire to keep the status quo. your colleagues P**s you off, but you don't want to be forced to be the "bad guy" by telling them off or grassing them up. They act like there is nothing wrong with the way they work, so it makes you feel scared to challenge it. Everyone else seems to accept it, so you doubt yourself and your feelings, and worry that you will be rejected if you challenge it.

Probably the most familiar scenario in my life so far mate. I really do get how that feels, and empathise. It feels really shiv! Your own feelings, opinions and needs get shelved in order to keep the peace - but the cost is having to bottle up that resentment, anger and frustration. Oh, and function at work while you are at it!

Don't ignore it, or it will force it's way out. Historically through gambling. And high blood pressure. And isolating oneself.

I should know. Cost me thousands to learn that!

So it is a choice really, between facing the anxiety of breaking that cycle of suppressing your needs and feelings in order to please others, or accepting that you don't feel able to, but others are not going to change. Maybe looking at a working role where you are responsible for yourself and only yourself, and if others slack off it doesn't impact on you.

I hope this doesn't make you feel worse! I think sometimes it's a case of "do you want the truth, or something beautiful?" maybe you don't want it spelling out, maybe you are not ready to face it. Maybe you would rather be distracted by something beautiful instead, at the moment.

If you don't like me pointing out these things, please do tell me....it's cool, I understand, and won't take it personally. (I might have to post to you less, because I only do the truth, a failing of mine, just the way I am wired whether I want to be or not!)

Take care, and I am supporting you either way, silently if necessary : ) but will still be rooting for you and wanting good things for you!

f x

PS - I always read my posts back once I've hit "send" and I am laughing at how similar I am to marmite!!! lol You either love me or hate me! ; )

Hi SA

Just checking in to say well done on your latest battle. Every day we don't gamble is a massive achievement just remember that. I used to be really hooked up on how many days gamble free but it doesnt matter a jot. you could be years gamble free and undo it all in a weekend....Keep venting anything that is annoying you and that is one less weight off our very complex minds. BTW, I think that any prolonged running that achieves below 8 min mile is impressive in my book

Keep it up mate

Take Care

Blues

Day 20

Hey freda I luv your thoughful posts. Anything that helps me get a bit more insight into myself is a good thing in my book. So thank you and by the way... i love marmite! ... and thanks blues and Rach.

I want to think and write and reply but yes youve guessed it am hungover from the exmas work drinks. Trying to remmber if i made a t*t of myself or not... nothing to bad i hope!... no gambling though 🙂 🙂

I'll be back with more over the weekend.. thanks for listening... S.A

YAAAAYYYY!!!!!! (for the not gambling, not the hangover!)

Serious well done on that front. I know works Christmas do is a massive trigger for so many people!

You the man!

Have you lipstick on your collar?

Did you arrive home fully clothed?

Is there any footage of you singing kareoke on the tinterbobs?

Did you get a police escort to your front door and charged with dangerous traffic cone offenses ?

Did you tell anyone even in jest .."I love you..why are we fighting....we're soulmates ...lets never be apart"

Answer "No" to all of the above and you can pretty much guarantee you did not make a t*t of yourself

You da man alright

R and D xx .