Hope

Thanks Duncs... you sound like a really decent fella. I appreciate your comments.

Am having a good day! ...funny how every day is different.

Ive folded and tidied and washed up and wiped surfaces and put things in draws and put things in black bags and taken fluff out the dryer and drained stinky water out the bottom of the washing machine and phoned my sister and my mum and had nice chats and generally switched off from work and the stress of yesterday.

Am going up town to do a few bits and then down the gym. A lovely day is being had. My glass is half full. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Good to hear you are having a productive day SA, keep fighting the fight, one thing is for sure, we will never give up trying to contain this addiction,

Take Care

Blues

Hi SA,

I hope u r feeling better, I was sorry 2 read that u have been unwell!

It sounds like u have been having a tough time, I hope things get better 4 u really soon!

U r strong person and u give me a lot of hope 🙂

Have a gr8 nite 🙂

Thanks for your message old friend.

Even though im not posting much im still reading of your progress.

Don't forget that challenge,it may seem miles away but I know you can do it.

Best wishes,

W.P 🙂

Day 26

Thanks all and yes wp i have not forgotten.

Difficult times at work again! Feel like am stuck between a rock and a hard place in terms of work allegiances. Its like we all struggle with the boss and yet my mate at work has taken things to far. he's not just content with pushing the boundaries a bit and making life difficult for the big boss. Its like money for feul is being diverted into his pocket (dodgy receipts) and now questions are being asked as to why the vehicles use feul so quickly.. and it feels like we are all under suspicion and then when you really need feul to do the runs to get the clients home then management are reluctant to come up with the money and yet we still need to get the clients home!!... its stressful... it impacts everyone and the reality is that feul money is going into the bookmakers, cos hes told me! Its like what the f***!! The team leader has even been putting her own money into the feul budget cos she's getting it in the neck from the boss we all struggle with. Anyway after agonising over it I told said team leader on the quiet so atleast my mate won't be given money for feul.

I dunno maybe i am being a hypocrit cos i have done some things in the past that I regret.. due to gambling.. but at the same time i do have quite a strong sense of right and wrong. My mate is not looking beyond his own selfish greed when all is said and done. He chooses not to look at the wider impact of what he is doing. He has convinced himself that nobody would be able to prove anything, which is probably true and i will plead ignorance if it all becomes offical.. but he has overstepped the mark in my book.

Anway, on it goes. See what happens. I am looking forward to a nice chilled out weekend before its back to stressy job on Monday.

Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

I think he overstepped the mark too.

You are not a hypocrite, I think you handled the situation with a lot of diplomacy and care. It's ok to be angry that his behaviour is making life harder for you, and totally natural - but I think you were very considerate in that you chose the course of action which gets your very reasonable needs met (having fuel to take clients home) without getting him the sack.

You could have gone straight to the boss and grassed him up, but you realised there was another way to put a stop to the problem. His actions will probably catch up with him sooner or later, but you don't need the hassle of pulling the trigger yourself, so well done I say!

I think this environment is very bad for you, but you are handling it with great strength and resilience.

Take care,

f x

Day 27

Hi Freda... I do surprsie myself at my strength and resilience but I am stressed most of the time yes. It is not a good environment for me for sure, but I am still there. I needed a little reassurance, a little confidence booster that i did a "not unreasonable thing"... so thanks for that.

This collegue of mine and I have been matey for a while now we go running sometimes and for a pint but I rather think that when the s**t hits the fan which it may well do this coming week then he might not be liking me anymore to put it mildly. He's not daft and will put two and two togther. But then I am not the one stealing, my conscience is clear.

See what happens. Day at a time. I take each moment as it comes. No gambling problems. Gotta keep on my guard though. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi SA ..

I agree with freda and that this environment is bad for you and enmeshed and operates like a dysfunctional family with Boss as narcissitic mother ....you did the right thing becasue while your pal is behaving this way others are suffering and being put under unnessary pressure.

Your Pal has two choices ...sink or swim and perhaps you are doing him a favour by not covering for him.

Its out of your hands now and try to let it go as it will now take the rout its meant to....

Its hard to puull rank on friends in the workplace but hes not going to see th consequences of his actions if this isnt brought to light...your paid to take care of the service users and play by the rules and that is what you are doing and very well...Principals over Personalities.

hugs

R and D xx

SA,

I totally relate to the self doubt, and needing reassurance. There is no doubt in my humble that you did the right thing, but as you say he will probably have an idea it's you. This will make it highly likely that he will use guilt inducing tactics and emotional blackmail to deal with his anger (us CG's are never operating as mature adults whilst in action) and try and make you feel like s**t.

It is in this way, when already under a lot of pressure in general that we can feel like "why did I bother?" as it seems we were in a no-win situation, where either telling or not telling caused us stress. At least if we hadn't 'told' we could get to still play good guy right? Well....yeah, kind of....but at what cost?

This guy was walking all over you and your colleagues, and acting like it wasn't even a problem. That's not cool. If you let it happen passively, it would feel like allowing yourself to be a doormat, and that sucks. For me, I would resent it. I would also hate myself for allowing it.

Do you know the one thing about being yourself, and not letting people push you around? It is like a magic paint that paints all the tw*ts bright yellow so they are easier to spot. They are the ones who guilt trip, sulk and kick off 😉 You get to find out who is a reasonable mature adult, and worth talking to too, as they will respond by respecting you more. So in this way you can see it as win-win! You are losing the friendship of a big baby who would stab you in the back if it were the other way round anyway. AND he will stop putting you in this position, and exposing you to his unreasonable behaviour.

Not so bad after all hey?

Rach and Freda... thanks 😉

Its something I really enjoy about diary writing. Its the fact that you can read and write and reflect at leisure and then give a considered response.. and when folk write me a reply it helps me to think about things differently or as in today gives me a little reassurance that am going about things ok. Gives me confidence in my own decisions.

I continue to spend far to much time just ruminating on things in my own headspace and perhaps I come to paranoid conclusions about stuff sometimes. This place is a helpful counterbalance to my own mind running away with itself.

Met my work collegue up town today, purely by chance. I did not know what to say in the moment other than pleasantries. Often i get tongue tied in the moment, tense up just a wee bit, just enough to cut my vocal chords and the link between my vocal chords and the speech forming part of my brain. Its the classic thing about needing an alcoholic drink when socialising just so i can have a conversation.

Work collegue announces when he is ringing in sick next week, cos he's got other work on and then he says to me.. "but what do you know??" and i says "I know nothing..." he laughs, I laugh sort of. We go are separate ways.

I was watching panorama documentary "the hidden homeless".. very interesting, very absorbing. Life on the edge. Amongst others they followed the story of a former investment banker who lost his buisness and everything with the credit crunch.. went from living the high life in the states to sleeping in a park in south London. Single bloke, about my age, no bodies prioity to house, left to wonder the streets, soup kitchens. After several months of rough sleeping and then drug infested hostels finds his way to a council run flat share in Streatham souith london (my old stomping ground). He lost his dignity completely but had faith in himself that he's find his way through and he did. A roof over his head and on his way back...

I came very close to living on the streets. It was family and then rehab that were the buffers from true oblivion. I have a secure roof over my head and for that i am truelly grateful. Don't know where my thoughts lead next so i stop...

thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Day 28

Err.. feeling annoyed. Neighbour knocking on my door at 7.00 a.m asking if he can borrow some money till Monday. But its not that thats annoyed me its the waft of cannabis plants coming up the stairwell. Weve never had a drug problem in my block. neighbour says there in his outside cupboard cos the bloke they belong to is away and he doesn't want them in his flat cos his sister might find them. Its like what the f***??

Am not having a great time in my headspace at the moment.. but hey its just before exmas. I always feel this way this time of year. Need to get my act together and buy exmas presents. Same old same old, nothing changes unless i change it and change me. No gambling.. thanks for listening... S.A (no smiling face today)

Going running, that is if I don't get high going down the stairwell!!

Lol. Sounds like fun at your place!

Nearly a month since the slip nice one, where does the time go eh? I'm on day 27 after my slip and although its tough (always good and bad days) but it just seems the 27 days have just gone.

Hope your running to the shops SA - Only 9 Days to go!!!

Cheers for dropping in David 🙂

Ive had a good long run this morning and now feel back on an even keel.

Dig this right. An old school mate of mine did the Poole park run (5km) in 16 minutes 30 seconds and he's disappointed! Anybody who knows anything about running knows how quick that is expecially when your in your 40's. If I got under 23 minutes i'd be pleased as punch. Its all relative though i spose.... onwards.. S.A 🙂

Me again just had to say 16 and half mins - quick as f**k!!

Hi SA,

Fellow grouch here, feeling tense and frought too! Bah humbug!

Wow, that encounter with said colleague sounded tense. A lot of meaning behind not many words! If it were me, I would feel uncomfortable and stressed, then afterwards angry that I had been put into that situation just because of someone else's bad behaviour. Really though, the anger would be about not being able to keep everyone happy and still be true to myself.

I do see change by the way. Even that change in how you dealt with the fuel money situation. That was huge for you, and very difficult I imagine. Putting your own needs first? Huge!

Hard as a Brit, to say "well done" without sounding patronising, but sincerely, well done!

f x