Hope

Hiya SA ..

I want to say more but nothings coming out tonight...just wanted you to know that im reading even though im not writing much right now..

Thank you for supporting me...suppose i feel im on my own with all this...i know you get it and Freda gets it and maybe a few more but its like treading new territory and having a eureka moment but then acting on it and changing the status quo....

Anyhooo...keep running and hope your not too high from the fumes

R and D xxx

Day 29... thank you all... and no gambling problems since last entry.

I seem to be experince a great sense of well being just now, so i thought i'd better get on here and write. I don't suppose it will last and i don't know where it came from as ive had a moderately rubbish working day and I was feeling rubbish for much of the weekend.. but here i am feeling on a level..neither high like an addict nor low like a depressive but somewhere nicely nestled inbetween... in the middle where most people belong... where I belong in fact. In the middle i can cope.. to live with the extremes to live on the edge any edge is just a nightmare.

I could now go on to write about many things, things that might make your hair curl but not today I think. thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

The middle lane I believe the gamcare mob call it. A great place to be. Great to hear, chill out in that lane for aslong as possible.

You made me laugh about your friend being beaten by a women. Bless him. Haha.

Day 30

Tired today. Thought it was warm enough last night not to have the heating on in me bedroom... feul poverty saving money and all that. I was wrong... kept waking up with a cold head though the rest of me was snug as a bug in a rug.

A Day off today. Been doing exmas shopping. Need I say more. I was a bloke standing in M & S womens department trying to find ladies socks and slippers but all i could seem to find was hoisery.. whatever that is. I felt like a right P**v lol

I then found myself in toy shop hell which was well... hell. I went and got a coffee. next was Argos. I like argos. Look at picture, write number, pay, sit on a**e, product arrives..leave.

I hate shopping sooo much..unless its something specific and i know exactly where to go to get it. Anyway most of its done now. Spent a fair bit but surprisingly no urge to go and recoup the money from a machine... atleast not at this moment in time. I might have a nap this afternoon and then go for a run later.

Onwards.. S.A 🙂

hey SA...hot water bottles are the way forwards...lol....or a dog...great heat generator.

Thank you for popping in and have replied on my diary to not hog yours....

Your M and S experience sounds like the classic male "lets pretend I am not around two rows of bras and knickers" stare into space...lol

ho ho ho....a bt of retail therepy is good for the soul

R and D xx

Day 31

Another working day survived. It seems my mate and the feul issue is now history... he's got away with it. Today the feuding between the team leader and the big boss was the real issue. Who's hacked into who's facebook account??.. the mystery deepens. Do i care??.. no. The team leader is going to leave all guns blazing she says. Good for her. As for me well I was impervious to it all and just got on with my job...only way really. Am just trying to keep my nose clean. If all goes ok then i get the use of a car for exmas.

No gambling problems.. onwards.. S.A 🙂

Sa

what you need is a balaclava!!!

You can sleep in it!! Imagine the reception a burglar would get!! d**n got beaten to it lol

and m+s no problem!!

Security!!! Lol

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Day 32

Cheers for dropping in Dunc 🙂

Low level stress and tiredness, not a great mix. But another day survived at work.

You wouldn't think that getting a new light bulb for one of the work vehicles would be stressful would you? But it was. Find a shop that sells bulbs.. in this case halfords. Try to find somewhere to park and fail. Park away from Halfords, then walk with client to halfords only to discover many different types of bulbs (Here's me thinking that car lights have a standard bulb but o no). Helpful man asks me about the type of vehicle and its reg, which of course i don't know, so walk back to car (with client who's only aim for the day is to buy chocolate and is mildly agitated) Anyway I decide to drive back to halfords and do battle with others for parking spaces and get all stressed cos am s**t at parking cos i don't have my own car and don't get much practice. But anyway eventually park and go back to shop with car details to get correct bulb. Good job i pay extra to get them to fit it..cos it wasn't straight forward. Long gone are the days when you just undo a couple of screws and pop it in lol

Anyway no gambling, so thats the main thing. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Nice to see stress due to everyday, normal, inescapable things. That will do eh? better than the other kind!

Congrats on passing the 1 month mark! Hope you are treating yourself whenever possible : )

You are doing great : )

Day 34.. thanks Freda 🙂

Tried my best to have a lie in but nope my body clock gets me up early as always. Much stuff to do and yet its so easy to do nothing and just idle away time. Tis part of my problem. Find it hard to motivate myself to be pro-active and get on with stuff. I am and always have been a last minute dot com type of guy. The pressure of deadlines gets me going.

Ive stayed well clear of alcohol recently. Last time i drank was the work exmas thing but nothing since then. Vague feeling of wanting to go out on the beer tonight but in reality thats probably a vague feeling of wanting to gamble and seeing as ALL my gambling events this year have been alochol related then that ain't a good idea. I shall stay in and do the stuff that i need to do and then wake feeling refreshed and go for a long run before the chrsitmas gluttony begins.

Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Day 34 continues...

I randomly clicked on some link and have just found myself spending 3 hours following the Diary of a compulsive gambler on Youtube.

It was like looking at myself in the mirror. Almost brought me to tears at times. Single male of a certain age gambling his life away... it carries great power when its in video clips. A very good motivator for me to stay clean especially this time of year.

Time to finish my christmas shopping which i have money for..unlike last year. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

P.s No gambling. It will ruin my whole life if i let it!!

Hey SA...just a flyer to say im still reading your diary....don't agree with me having more self awareness just think that its maybe being around other fellowships and learnig the lingo and all that ...

Anyway....keep youtubing xxx

R and D xx

Thanks for dropping in Rach. Likewise am still reading your blog even though I don't always reply.

That youtube blog really did hit home. Just the medicine i needed in the run up to exmas.

I been up town in the rain. Last of the exmas shopping. Didn't know what to get. Just got a headache and irritated by all the people. Bar humbug. Bought some more "stuff" and its all sitting now in my lounge in various bags waiting to be wrapped. Thats this evenings task. I will do it later.

Its good that I post quite alot at the moment and don't drink at all and break down the day into segments of time. I feel sad and guilt ridden this time of year. That blog has brought up all the feelings of chrsitmases past. last year was grim with the binge on exmas eve. A christmas years ago I was actually on route but blew my money and didn't even show up. My neices and nephews were little then and it really upset alot of people. This year my family thinks ive had a gamble free year when in reality ive had 3 drunken binges.

The frustrating part is that at times ive almost tasted true recovery and not just abstinence. So close to finally "getting it" whatever "it" is and yet always managing to sabotage myself just as my life starts to get better.

I get it now. Gambling sucks. It ruins lives. Its ruined mine but no more!! Onwards to better times. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi mate

Been a while, just wanted to wish you a very happy christmas and all very best for the new year.

After a couple of years i still bow to the odaat king! Your a legend on this forum and a huge thank you for all your support and advice!

Genuine respect! ands

Great to see you having an altogether different experience this Christmas. I think it is very powerful to compare how it is when we are not in action, to some of our bleakest Christmasses when we were. Things are much better this year for sure! and down to all of your hard work and persistence.

Take care,

f x