Hope

Hi S.A.

Glad to see you are posting like mad. I like to read your kind words as they apply to everyone although written to the person. Keep posting and take care.

Steve E

Hiya SA,

Read you last couple of posts...fantastic..things are certainly looking up what with the work situation and I'm so pleased your able to treat yourself.

The work you are putting into your recovery is very inspiring. I'm hoping that after I get christmas over I will be able to start to treat myself..I'm still sporting the dragged through a hedge backwards look. It's just not a good look lol. Keep going...!

Del:-) xxx

Thanks Steve and Del

Went to GA last night. I found myself feeling quite irritated and impatient. I think this is because I have had a bit of back ache the past few days and have been walking with a slight limp. I don't cope well with pain of any sort. Back pain is something that I have never had before I guess am getting old.

I was also struggling to listen to other peoples therapies. People who say I havent got much to say and then go on to talk for ages and ages but not about their own recoveries but about gambling addiction in general or other people. And i think.. whats the point..if I want to hear about gambling addiction I can read about it on the internet or in the newspapers...whats the point in coming to GA to give a lecture. I find I can be quite hard on other people in my thoughts..do you know what i mean??.. but then when I think about it more I realise that its my impatience my emotions and I need to deal with them.

I also remmber the time when i would talk about anything other than myself because it was just too painful to go there.

Christmas is coming..have never liked it ever since a child when i got up one xmas morning and my mum was hoovering. I was horrified.. knowbody hoovers on xmas day lol

Also i feel lonely at xmas. I go to visit my family, my sisters and their children and its all so "happy families". I am reminded that because of my gambling and drinking and general self-destruct and self-abuse type behaviour I have not settled down with anyone, I dont have 2.4 children, I don't own my own home and i don't even have a car (not that i especially need one, I can walk to work) but you see my point?? I feel awkward and uncomfortable at xmas I just want to hide away until its all over and i can return to when very week is pretty much the same.

I am impatient to make big changes in my life. I am tired of feeling like i am playing catch up.

I am trying just to be me and not let these big life things affect me too much. Rome was not build in a day and all that. But I do not find it easy at this time of year. I feel like i am reporting back on progress made and this year I feel as if its pretty much the same as this time last year and the year before.

Am sure my mum still worries about me. I think she just wants to see me settled and sorted. I just want to be settled and sorted as well but am not quite sure what that really means in any practical sense. Is anyone ever settled and sorted?? At this time of year I have to really dig deep to remind myself how far i have come since the dark days when I had destroyed myself through gambling.

Anyway, all for now am not struggling with thoughts or urges to gamble.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hi S.A.

As you say you have come a long way in your recovery. If I read your post correctly you wish you could click your fingers and all would be revealed. This is the best part of your journey, getting to where you want to be. The excitement of making new acquintances and forming partnerships. It is all there for you and will only be revealed to you by how much you can handle. I, too, am not keen on Xmas as it brings back very bad memories. However I will be positive this year and enjoy it as much as I can. I will be true to myself though as it can be exhausting if I'm not.

Take care

Steve E

Hi SA, as usual your posts always make me smile. You were so right about pouring over the statements etc. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions, mostly panic and suppressed anger. I so wanted to scream out about the injustice of our financial affairs, but , it had all been said, and there is no point in going over it, again, and again, and again. Its gone. I really didn't want to say to AH about how I was really feeling, he was trying to comfort me and all I wanted too do was run. Anyway, we sorted out the car tax and vet bill, And I don't intend to look at anything in 'black and white' unless I really absolutely have too.

Globe artichoke, you'll be pleased to know it went into a pot, and and not into any strange oriffice! really weird veg. And difficult to know what bit to eat, we had a little taste and then it went into the bin.

I know you only suggest things with the best of intentions, you have had a lot of experience in dealing with the problems caused by gambling. You talk a lot of sense. I don't offend easily.

I find Christmas is a lot of trying to meet other people's expectations of what they think makes a perfect day/family/present. As long as you spend time with those you love and who love you, the rest is just hype, in my pah! humbug opinion. The religious significance has been lost to so many people. But, I still like wrapping and opening pressies!! I'm like a big kid. Stay strong, SA, got some cheese and crackers if you want some. Love Ostrich x

Sorry to hijack your thread S.A. but I'd like to inform Ostrich that there's plenty of crackers here already (no harm intended).

Steve E

Hiya SA

Just popping into to see how you are..hope all is well.

Del xxx

Thanks all.. I always think about what everyone has to say.. feedback from people in different situations and different outlooks on life helps me to reflect on my life and situation. As always I will be paracahuting into your diaries sometime soon 😉

Its been a tough few days but am good in myself at least as far as the gambling gremlin goes.. no thoughts or urges to gamble.

I havent been very well, started with a bit of a bad back which is now mostly healed with rest etc.. but now i have a stinking cold and just feel weak and nauseous. It has knocked me sideways a little am not use to being physically unwell..I also have a large mouth ulcer. Ive always had good physical health. I stress the physical.. the mental health is a different story dur to the gambling. I guess i am run down. I am coping. An early night and plenty of sleep if I can.

I am missing my exercise routines I will get back to it when my body allows. I need to follow what my body is saying to me.. and that is rest.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hiya SA,

Enjoy a good nights rest and hope you are better soon.

Del xxx

Thanks for replying to my post starting again. If you look at your very first posting you will see how I feel right now . And thanks for that great line, "Get back on the lifeboat and take the middle seat". I'm adding it to my repertoire !

Best of luck,

James.

Another day passing gambling free. No urges or thoughts of gambling.

Have been doing some thinking (it happens occasionally lol)..something which i can now do because i am not in any sort of crisis because of my gambling.

I now have choice whereas before I had very little.. it was a choice of.. to gamble or not to gamble. I chose gambling because it seemed like the solution to my problems or to cut to the chase a way of avoiding my problems, avoiding reality. I now choose not to avoid but to face my reality head on..one day at a time.

I think in the society that I/we now live in there is so much choice that it can become a little overwhelming, I speak for myself anyway. Even the little every day things.. tea or coffee, bagel or baguette, walk or bus, left or right???? I find myself sometimes bewildered with all the choice. And then of course it comes to the bigger things in life..career versus family life... status and wealth... children or not children... flat in the city or house in the country. We/I have choices about all these things..whereas in the past I think there were more certainties.

Sometimes I feel as if I want more certainties it would bring me a sense of security and safety I think.

One of the reasons that i gambled was that i had found that sense of safety. When i was standing there feeding my favourite machines I felt at ease. I was in my own little secure bubble. The machine brought a certain continuity for me because it was always there.. it never sprouted legs and walked off.. my choices were simple and repetitative..my choices were simple and repetitative.. my choices were simple and repetitative... feed the slot, press the button, enjoy the flashing lights and noises and enjoy the illusion of winning money..which i wasnt of course cos I couldnt stop. I had no real choice in my addictive bubble. I had to keep going to avoid how I was going to feel once i stepped out of that bubble.

The choices I face now.. six months since my last gamble are the same choices that i have faced for years and have avoided making due to choosing addiction over reality. However I am not sad anymore, addiction has taken me to a place where the second half of my life can be much more fulfilling than the first.

I am getting closer to booking my first holiday in a decade. I am starting to feel stable and secure enough in myself to be in a relationship. I feel more comfortable in my own skin than i have ever been before. I have days where I feel really rather happy and this includes today despite the fact that i have a mouth ulcer the size of a dinner plate and have been sniffling and sneezing all day long. My life really is getting better.. by taking my life one day at a time.. and by starting to make choices rather than avoid making choices altogether.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Today has been a good day. I felt like i have looked after myself. I cancelled a morning meet with a friend for coffee. I was just too tired.

But later in the day I took myself on a little trip out ended up in a museum having a look at some of the lanscape paintings. Something I never would have done when gambling.. I would have lost interest very quickly. Then went shopping and bought myself a winter jumper.

On the way home I stopped in for a swim and sauna at my usual and then home for tea... spoke to sister and friend by phone and some posting on here. I feels like its just me lurking around in the diary section today but thats ok.. I like to write it helps my recovery.

Back to work tomorrow. I think ideally i would prefer a 4 day week. I get mentally overly tired with 5 days.. but I cannot have everything i want in life.

No urges or thoughts of gambling.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hi S.A.

Thanks for your posts. I am slowly getting through them - yours has been a journey well written and gives me hope as I see how far you've come. Do you find that you are feeling physically fitter and healthier for your change? I can't help thinking that gambling has also contributed to me becoming physically unfit as well. In fact, there's a definite correlation between when the gambling increased in frequency and my dependency on it, and weight increase and general unfitness. Just a random thought by me for today. Replace the bad habit with a good habit? Interested in your thoughts.

Thanks.

Jayeff.

hi sa your posts make me smile a lot... hope the ulcer doesnt hurt too much try salt i know it hurts but it gets rid of it all the time.... ive been here just not posting as much i see you have been on a posting frenzy as always lol... i just havent had the time lately... and not sure i feel the need too you do help others and your posts are always from the heart... just nipped in as im a celebrity has a commercial break on lolwell done on 6 months almost almost 3 for me 🙂

tc shell x

Hiya SA,

Thanks you for your message and that you sorted out that fence lol. Plus will take a leaf out of your book in the last bet date, good idea.

Glad you are over the worst illness wise, and loved your last post.....sounds like bliss to me.

I was at an art exibition a couple of months ago..babby (3 years old) was with me....luckily we left the place with all artworks intact.

Your doing well ...keep going 🙂

Del xxx