Hope

Exactly 6 months since my last gamble!

I allow myself a brief moment of celebration. I think Winston Churchill said similar at the end of the second world war. lol But seriously it does seem like war sometimes and I have no intention of going back to the trenches yet again. One day at a time as always.

Ive been quite unwell recently and still am in one way or another. Back pain and then a rotten cold and mouth ulcers and now I feel like someones put cotton wool inside my head and i am having trouble hearing out of one ear. I feel like a moaning old git at the moment. No harm done by having a whinge and a moan though eh.. better than feeding machines my hard earned money.

I was irritated by stuff at work today as well. I remind myself that I cannot change other peoples behaviour and nor should I try. All I can change is my reaction.

Am also reminded that when i get home i have nobody to talk to and for me thats quite important really i think. Ive come to appreciate that I use to get rid of my annoyances of the day by gambling.. now i usually either go down the gym or the pool or come on here and write stuff either in my diary or others. Today its very much my diary. Ultimately i write here for my benefit though I like the fact that it may help other people in passing.

I think ideally I would pick up the phone and talk that way but in reality when i feel down or angry or just plain ill..its the last thing i want to do. Phones for me are to make arrangements to meet. I like to talk with real people face to face.. it has more meaning i think. Am reminded that i live alone and its not easy living alone.. Us humans are social creatures are we not. When i feel well again I will get back on the dating scene and get out and socialise more. i cannot change my situation by spending too much time writing on here…or lurking in cyber space generally. I guess this is why my diary is 300 pages long and not 30... not enough things to do and people to spend time with now that i am not gambling.

I am not particularly sad though.. my life is so much better than what it use to be. believe it or not i use to go for weeks on end and not really have a conversation with anyone..except those cursory chats with till operators.. “No I don't want any help with my packing but yes i will have £50 cash back please” lol

Anyway enough ramblings from me for one day. Time for a snack and sleep… S.A 🙂

Last gamble : 25th of May 08

Well done S.A. for completing six months. Just one day each at a time and it has totalled six months. I look forward to traveling along with you for the next six months and more, one day at a time.

Take care

Steve E

HI SA, picking up on your thought about living alone. I lived alone with my teenage daughter for several years. I too missed sharing things with someone special, but.. I loved being in charge of the remote control, sleeping on either side of the bed, eating chocolates and crisps in bed, not being woken up by snoring. Listening to Elvis, Queen and what ever else took my fancy, when it took my fancy. And the best bit, eating pasta every day! The grass always looks greener on the other side. Its human nature. Anyway, these are my thoughts and this is your diary.

Well done on six months! You have worked hard at getting this far. And you sound like you are pretty organised for Christmas. Take care love Ostrich x

Hiya SA.

Congratulations on the 6 months..what an acheivement! 🙂 Big Hug

Del xx

Arrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Am feeling fed up and P***** off today.

Am fed up of feeling tired. run down and ill.

Not a great day.. on to the next 🙁

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hi S.A.

Isn't it great to feel fed up P***ed off and all the rest of it and still know you haven't gambled. I was the same for 2 days but now coming out of it. Take care and take time out for yourself.

All the best

Steve E

Hiya SA,

Just popping in..hope you feel better today..will check in with you again soon, see how you are. Take care

Del xx

Hi Del and Steve...thanks for dropping in and yes its true I can feel fed up and P***** off and still NOT gamble.. that does feel good. I feel like I am maturing bit by bit.. trying to manage my feelings as best i can. I am sensitive to my immediate environment and the people in my immediate environment and their moods and what is going on in my immediate environment generally. I like quiet and order

I find managing my moods is not easy. I find when i get wound up it does take me quite some time to settle down again. For a time it feels like when I was gambling.. as if my thoughts speed up.. living each minute at a million miles an hour.. going from one emotion to the next at a rapid rate of knots. Unable to think clearly and make rational well thought out decisions.

I am reminded of HALT ... Hungry Angry Lonely Tired ... all these things are potential triggers for me. Lately Angry and Tired have been issues.. sometimes its Lonely but for the most part that has not felt like such a big issue, atleast as far as a trigger for gambling goes. Hungry is not a problem.. I eat LOL 🙂

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

A tough week..topsey turvy emotions all the way. The original stress that I used as a reason to gamble back in May is still on-going. Its not something that i choose to talk about on an open forum but I have been profoundly effected by it. But perhaps as ive said before one positive is that it has got me to work my recovery and not take it for granted.

Today is friday.. thank goodness for the weekend.. am gonna chill and then meet with friends tomorrow night... and have a laugh. Hopefully i will have a good nights sleep tonight and feel refreshed.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hi S.A.

You show a great attitude towards this addiction. Respect for what it is and keep it where you want it. Hope the stress etc passes which I'm sure it will. Coming up to Xmas is a stressful time for most. Just keep posting and enjoy your weekend mate. At least you're getting one I'm working through. Is that cyber violins I can hear.

Take care

Steve E

Hi SA, I echo Steve's reply, you've looked this beast deep in the eye, and breathed fire right back at it. You know your enemy and its weaknesses and you know your own strengths. So exhausting to fight and be that aware, but so worthwhile. Have a wonderful weekend. Any thoughts for exotic veg this weekend? going to market first thing. Oh, one other thing, shall we both play cyber violins for Steve, he has to work!! Take care Love Ostrich x

Hiya SA,

Have a great night tonight :-)..I'm working this weekend...cyber violins....coming thick and fast.

Del xxxx

I met a friend for coffee and a chat which was nice but besides that today has not been a good day...all self-inflicted..much vodka drunk on Saturday night..poisoning myself really..self-abuse. The night itself was ok..enjoyed the chat with friend..but it all went down hill from then on. Woke up this morning with curry sauce everywhere.. i guess there was some chips with it at some point.

I have choices in my life and i had made the choice to get drunk. I wanted escapism really.. a reaction to the stress of the week just past. I have also indulged in other behaviours of an escapist flavour..what I call my minor addictions. These are behaviours that wont bring me to my knees but they certainly dont enhance my life either. I have not really lived in the world of recovery this weekend I just havent gambled. O well tomorrow is another day... S.A 🙁

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hi SA, sorry to see that you have not had a good day today, but sure tomorrow you will feel better once the system is cleared!!!

Thanks for your support, I am still about and not gambled but found that reading too much about gambling was actually making me think about it more, so kinda have taken a step back.

Hope you are good tomorrow, Bandit x

hiya SA

Rodders 'e*e....

just to say you're not 90!!!

so a little indulgence isn't gonna harm anyone...however spending a lifetime feeling guilty might xxxx