Hope

Hi Bandit... to answer your question ive put myself through so much horribleness because of my gambling that at the end of the day a stand had to be made... so no gambling ment no gambling.. so no lottery tickets.... so no scratch cards... its safer that way and yes for me any sort of gambling leads on to more gambling. If i dont make the first bet i cant make the second.

Am down in the dumps today..same old story.. was out drinking last night.. bal bla bla.. washing up left to fester.. have isolated myself today.. no doubt tomorrow i will be on better form. Got to do my xmas shopping.. so much for doing it well in advance. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hi SA

I am in total agreement with you regarding lottery tickets. I'm sure some people are fine with them, but for me it is a no go. I know one lottery ticket win would develop into £8 on more tickets and 2 scratchcards. Then the habit is a couple of scratchcards and a couple of tickets. Hour or so before the draw starting to get excited and flicking backwards and forwards from station to station in anticipation of the draw. After the draw a disapointing feeling that I never won. And so the cycle goes on. Sorry to go on, on your thread.

Best wishes and hope tomorrow brings new feelings.

Steve E

Hi SA, so glad I got it wrong the other day, it was just thoughts about L. tickets, I should have known better, you are strong enough to deal with the urges. It was me going into stupid panic mode again.

Hope Christmas will be a lovely peaceful time for you, us mothers, sometimes we just don't realise how hard our children try to please us, even if it makes them unhappy. Your thoughts have made me look at my own parenting skills and I have to say, I have made our children feel as though they have let us down. I will try to be more accepting of the children and how they have chosen to live. My children, if they knew would send their thanks. (Children, they are 32, 30, 28, 2x 24 & 20)

All the very best for a wonderful and peaceful time, and if you over indulge in a little festive cheer be kind to your self. Love Ostrich x

Hiya SA,

Thank you toooo..for all the support. Yep I do suspect I will find it unsettling without the net so hope it won't be too long. Will miss your words of wisdom. Take care.

Del xxx

Thank you all for your thoughts.

Stevey.. am glad its not just me re the lottery. Ive been reading alot on this forum recently from people who say the lottery isnt a problem for them (fair do's) but I was starting to question myself a little. I am now firmly back in the camp of no lottery.. no gambling of any form.. if it feels like gambling then i stay well clear.

Ostrich.. wow.. so many children.. you are indeed super mum. I'd imagine when they were little your house was chaos. I happy chaos I hope.

A few thoughts..I find even now in my mid-thirties I still have the capacity to feel like i am a small child when I speak to mum or go to visit. I guess we spend such a long period of time being brought up by our parents that its inevitable that their world view will leave its imprint in adult life... not that I now totally disagree with there world view.. but independance of thought is important as an adult i think.

When i went through counselling it became apparent that I was indeed still walking around with the voice of my parents in my head.. as if part of me was still a child. Dont get me wrong I am not playing the blame game my parents are wondeful people and I love them... but there own issues, there own marital strife and eventual divorce had a profound impact on me, which i never ever dealt with until my early thirties. It was suggested to me that i was traumatised as a teenager.. a strong word I feel.. but i suppose family breakdown is traumatic. Over time I sort solace first in drinking and then in gambling.

Part of the healing process for me and a big part of my recovery..was learning to nuture the child within.. allowing the child within to feel long surpressed emotions.. allowing the child to grieve. Allowing the child to join with the adult I now am and more forward in a more confident amd mature fashion.

Counselling helped me a great deal. I still reflect on it now..as you can see. Counselling helped me to stop gambling. Its felt good to write this stuff down.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Ive been in a foul mood today.. xmas shopping hell..buying all these presents that people dont really want. I dunno..its the same every year.. my psycholgical well being deteriorates significantly.. all I want to do is hide away until its all over. Its also the anniversary of my absolute rock bottom 4 years ago today... now there's a cheery thought.

If I was in positive head space I would marvel in how far i have come since then..but am not really.. so excuse me if I dont. I had some vague feelings that a little gamble wouldnt do any harm.. easilly dismissed but they did exist. i cant be doing with all this happy families lark. Its terribly selfish of me isnt it. I feel guilty for even thinking it.

Having said all this I know that when am with family it will be nice to see them and nice to be there. I just get a bit lonesome thats all.. the going there and the coming back messes with my emotions but I will keep safe.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hi SA

With you all the way. You have a great understanding of what is going on for you. It will pass in time as you know. Take care matey. One day is all we have.

Steve E

O well..happy Christmas everyone. Am away for a few days to see the family. I won't log on here in that time. Don't think I would feel comfortable doing that... which perhaps speaks volumes. A break from here may also be useful.. have posted most days for months now.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Have been to visit my family for xmas. Am now back and gambling free. Must admit though.. it wasnt without "thoughts". The lottery continues to dwell on my mind.. somtimes I just cant remember why I cannot buy a lottery ticket.. but as i say to myself.. I have drawn that line in the sand.. and no gambling means NO gambling.

Perhaps as my emotions settle after christmas thoughts of doing the lottery will fade..or perhaps not.. but whatever happens I have to continue taking my life just one day at a time.

Am frustrated with many things in my life but i remind myself that only I can make the changes that will enhance my life. Change takes time..baby steps.

I am pleased with myself that i am working through a difficult patch and not using gambling to avoid my problems, my issues, my worries, my feelings.

Its just that I feel a bit stuck in life... feeling trapped in a job that I want move on from and yet struggling to find the motivation to make that change.

Am also aware of how little emotional support i have and people to talk to... making it feel so much harder to make changes.. Am beginning to feel a little more fightened a little more alone.. am like a snail retreating into its shell.

It would be so easy to disappear from these recovery diaries. Now could be the time..already lurking in the twi-light zone of page 2.. but no.. by continuing to make myself accountable here.. it helps me to keep my addiction at bay. It is interesting that the first thing i thought of doing when I got home was to come here and write. I needed to write a free flow of thoughts.

I have written a great deal elsewhere in the diary section at times over the months but now is the time to concentrate on me. I want to feel stronger in recovery once again.. my addiction is to close for comfort at the moment.

My gambling head is clever.. it is a part of me that I have to keep in check. It does not like it that i come here to write. It wants me forget the misery and the pain.. but i wont... I wont forget.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble of any kind.. 25th of May 08

Hi SA

Glad that your duty within your family has ben carried out. I always find it's comforting to be back in familiar surroundings. You are correct with your analysis of the "gambling mind". It is the part of us that we have to learn to live with and out fox to some extent. Stay strong mate and hopefully you are getting even stronger.

Take care

Steve E

My family are great..but there is that sense of duty Steve thats true. I can feel the pressure of Christnas start to lift. Its just started to happen this afternoon. I can appreciate what a difficult place i had got myself into psychologically in the weeks running up to xmas. Its the same every year. I am pleased that i have and am getting through it this year... without gambling.. day at a time.. day at a time.

I am back to work tomorrow.. just as i was starting to switch off from it. I have renewed thoughts of resignation. i have alternative thoughts of asking for redundancy. I know this is crazy really.. better in a job than not in a job especially with the current jobs climate.. but ya know.. job change is well over due.

For anyone who has been following my diary will see that the personalities and politics and changes at work have had a profound impact upon me. I have worked my way through some tough times and have now got a place where I just want to move on from it all. Am tired of living and breathing work.. the balance in my life is not right. Lets see how the next few weeks pans out.

I will talk to trusted people...bounce my thoughts and ideas and fears. Share what goes on in my head. I will try not to make irrational decisions in my own head space. I will speak with others. It will help me find the way forward and find the courage to make changes.. make well thought through decisions that are good for me and not bad for me.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble of any kind: 25th of May 08

Today has been a good day.. though i started off low in mood. The more talking i did about how xmas had been for me the better I felt.

Once again i remind myself that i have got through xmas without gambling. I am pleased with that acheivment. I take my life just one day at a time.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

I am on a posting frenzy. Lol

I think i will stop now

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hi SA,

Thanks for posting on my diary. You're right life does start right here, right now. 2009 feels like an extra special year though. If I can make it through a whole year I'll be well chuffed!!

You last gambled in May, well done. Is it loads easier now??

Hi Jimbob,

I spose the simple answer to your question is that Yes it does get easier as the months pass. However something that I fully take on board now is that their is a direct relationship between how i "feel" and gambling.

For example I dont enjoy the run up to xmas and xmas itself.. I get a bit stressed, depressed and lonely for various reasons. I have recently had thoughts of playing the lottery but those thoughts have now passed.. Why? because xmas has passed and am feeling happier in myself.. today i have no desire what so ever to buy a lottery ticket.

Gambling and gambling thoughts relates to my emotional health. If i deal with my emotions positvely then i wont gamble.

Anyway today has been a good day... no particular issues or problems.. feel stable in myself. I have decided not to go out this New Years eve.. am gonna stay in and reflect on the last year and think ahead for the year to come. No going out drinking and spending lots of money on drink and double rate taxi's and cr** food. I shall awake on New years day feeling as bright as a button.. all being well.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind.. 25th of May 08