Hope

Day 554 gambling free and as it happens 6 years since I first started this diary. Time flies eh.

Thanks for your support all. To be honest ive been completely lazy on the posting front, both on my dairy and to others. I need to get back to reading and writing more as I feel myself drifting back to old ways and old habits.

I got drunk for the first time this year on Saturday. It was kind of fun, me and my mate hanging out with folk half our age, leaping around like mad things possessed. Sunday was a right off... thunderous hang over and many ten pound notes lighter, but far fewer than if I'd of had a nights gambling....

As ive said before... I still feel like am on my gambling merry go round but its just that the round is now very large and if I continue to take "not gambling" one day at a time only, I might never reach the part of the round that involves me spending hours upon hours standing in front of slot machines.

I am pleased not to be gambling and more realistic about how my life is. I try not to have high expectations of myself anymore. Am just living life as it presents itself. Maybe one day I will be able to say how wonderful my life is but that day hasn't come yet... I am and continue to be a work in progress.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey SA,

Good to see you touching the base and with more great news. Really pleased for you and your ongoing strength in this battle. Keep it up my friend!!!

Drunken Saturday?? Lol...god, I had one not very lucky escape on Friday, don't ask lol

Really proud of you and you are heading towards that wonderful life, you sure are worth it...good things happens in time 😉

S x

Hi, Glad you blew off some steam on the weekend. I need to get out more, myself. If you're really interested in the 'Resilience' course, you can sign up (register) for free to audit the course, even though it started a while ago. You don't get any credit for doing it by auditing but you have access to everything and it's a "work at your own pace" thing which is great for a slowpoke like me. Here's the link (though you may have to copy and past it into your browser as it seems links don't work here anymore):

https://www.edx.org/course/uwashingtonx/uwashingtonx-ecfs311x-becoming-resilient-1652#.U4PS87lOXIU

Day 555 gambling free.

Thanks both and ive red a little from your link Carla. It looks a helpful course.

It crosses my mind that addiction, my addiction, any addiction is usually the result of life problems or more precisely the stress of life problems that "seem" insurmountable or unresolvable. Its the stress of being in a life situation that seems like it will never change and then the addiction brings relieve and respite for a few minutes or a few hours.

I think that bit by bit am learning to be a bit more patient and to remind myself that difficult times and difficult feelings will pass and do pass and that life issues do get resolved. Its a slow process though. I still do things of an escapist flavour. I swore blind yesterday that I wouldn't binge eat after my sunday run.... only then to eat myself fat. I swore blind on Saturday that I wouldn't get drunk... only to then get drunk.

But the main thing is to keep gambling away because gambling for me is the addiction that has the power to end my life quite literally. Its by far the worst addiction for me... and so day by day I say a big fat "NO" to gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

I know what you mean about being an escapist, I guess it is part of the addictive personality, although at the moment I still view eating and drinking to be less damaging than gambling in my life too.

Accepting life as it is has been an important part of the journey for me. At 31, I've had to accept it may be unlikely that I will play football or rugby for Wales, I'm probably too old to even become a professional golfer. However, life still has its small joys and pleasures, and embracing those it what makes it worth continuing the journey.

Well done on continuing your journey, and for surmounting (I'm not convinced that's a word) the insurmountable challenges in your way.

All the best

Ryan

Day 556 gambling free.

Thanks Ryan I appreciate your thoughts.

Am feeling pretty rotten today. I feel like history is repeating itself. Yet again I am on a control & restraint course. Its important that I pass it in terms of getting future work... and today my anxieties were getting the better of me. Sometimes I just kind of freeze not quite able to make sense of what is going on around me and what I am required to do.

I am one of these people that ultimately becomes quite good at what ive learn't but in the initial stages of learning I am just fraught with stress. I guess everyone is the same but some more than others, me more than most.

I liken it to learning to drive. When I first starting to learn I was so much like the proverbial frightened rabbit in the headlights and it took me a long time to learn and get comfortable with the basics... but ultimately I became a good driver... and further down the road I became confident driving mini-buses full of people with learning disabilities.

I also hate being observed for the purposes of assessment. I really hate it. Exams no problem... its you the question booklet and paper and pen but being observed doing something... no no no no. In short I don't like doing anything new. I don't like change. I really don't like change. My autism is coming out today.

Thanks for listening... S.A

P.s Am busily catastrophising things in my head. That's old behaviour too. I will be verified tomorrow. Gulp! Am not feeling very resilient today. Keep showing up. Confront ones fears. Deal with autistic traits. Step out comfort zone. Its hard.

Hi S.A. - thank you for dropping by my Diary.

After reading some of your Diary I can see what a massive milestone you have reached - over 18 months. Fantastic!

I do hope your day has finished better than it started and that you are feeling brighter.

You are an inspiration and I hope that life will get better and better for you.

Joanna

SA

Fella I read your post and as always read it with a glass half full outlook

My friend you are not sat bemoaning your 'back luck' your illness or addiction

In the face of adversity you are still doing what many would simply not find or have the courage to do.

For that fella I SALUTE YOU

keep making a difference,not only to your own life but of others too

Be proud of yourself

You deserve to

Duncs stepping forward never back

Day 557 gambling free and thanks for your support both.

What a change around today. After two days of training and an afternoon being assessed I have passed... so now I am preferred agency status.. which means that there is likely to be plenty of work when I want it... am happy.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Day 560 or 80 weeks with not a penny gambled on any form of gambling.

Gambling only brought me financial drain and personal misery. I could never win because I could never stop. The only win is not to play.

Two of my friends have been gambling heavily recently and are paying the consequences. One is working all the over time he can get so he can pay off his rent arrears and other debts, the other does not work and is being threatened with eviction for non-payment of bedroom tax and other debts. Me I am ahead on rent, council tax, water etc and at present I have a nice balance on my working and non-working life. I can also treat myself when and if I feel like it.

Don't get me wrong am not passing judgement on my friends, because I have lived that life, that merry go round for years. From a selfish point of view however they act as a very good reminder for me as to why I don't gamble anymore. I don't want to win money anymore. Its dirty money. Am getting older now am tired of living on the edge... so I don't.

Thanks for listening folks... S.A

Hey SA,

What a great achievement, keep at it.And you are so right, you don't have to live on the edge anymore, you can live your life in harmony now, and you are on a right track my friend. Little steps forward, day at a time 😉

Be proud and huge well done

S x

Hi Ya S.A,

I loved that last post! Just stopped by to give you a much deserved pat on the back, hug, and high five!!! I almost dropped my basket over the weekend. This morning when I woke up to a fresh new day and my bank account in tact I almost cried tears of joy. It does feel great being in control. And I agree. What's happening to your friends is sad but, a sobering reminder of what can happen.. hell, has happened.. ((((S.A)))) -joan

Hi SA,

Well done on continuing on the journey and continuing to be able to talk and support your friends, even though they may not be taking the same path at you. I think that would be tough for me, knowing people still going through the same thing, almost normalizing being neck deep in ///// because of gambling. After all, I've spent much of my adult life in just that position.

Congrats on passing the assessment, being able to be a little bit more choosy about the work that you take can be no bad thing!

All the best

Ryan

Day 566 gambling free... and thanks all for your supportive words.

Dilemmas, pessimism and having a moan. I have until next Friday to decide whether to put an application in for full time, permanent staff or not. Am full time agency at the mo and have been for a few weeks but I have my reservations about going that one step further.

Am in this class now and am not particularly enjoying it. The kids are quite severely autistic but very mobile. They have lots of energy and yet they are required to sit and do these tasks like draw a straight line or match a picture of a car with another picture of a car. Personally I think its a waste of time as they get upset and all they really want to do is get rid of built up energy and play with there favourite play things or chill out in a nice calm environment.

Most of these kids have no interest in sitting around a table with other disabled kids who might be noisy and stress them out. Autistic kids hate group work. They live in their own little worlds and that's just the way it is. I suppose a lot of these kids are just a much more extreme version of me. I like calm and quiet but also lots of physical activity.

And then you have the staff, some of whom have been their for years. In this class the staff dissect every emotion that the kid seems to be having. Personally I think its unnecessary. Kids get upset and then they calm down again, emotions changing all the time. It doesn't all need to be verbalised... or maybe this is just a reflection of me. Am not great at talking about stuff in detail. I was out with this kid yesterday and then when I got back I was asked how the kid was and I said "yeah he was mostly fine, no major issues".. and yet you could see that this wasn't enough. I think the fact that am quiet.. unsettles some of the staff.

My philosophy is to go with the flow with the kids and do ones best to keep the kids on a level and happy and yet I understand that the permanent staff have many targets for the kids to fulfil... and this is stress for the staff. The kids must be seen to be achieving qualifications and yet none of them will ever be capable of reading or writing and for lots of them even talking or being able to toilet themselves.

On a certain day the kids do cooking and so the kid is got to hold a wooden somewhere near a bowl of food and a photo is taken and then the photo is laminated and presented to the kid in assembly. The kid has no interest in this certificate but it looks good doesn't it.

Gambling stuff. No thoughts or urges to gamble. Just a slight sense of worry and my need to keep earning money. I know am feeling a bit insecure about money because most of what I earn at the mo is going on getting rent and bills even further ahead in preparation for when or if work dries up. I spose with all of us money pressures tend to bring on gambling thoughts... so in response to that I get a bit obsessed on paying bills well ahead.

As the tile of my thread suggest. I have no desire to try and win money anymore. It always ends in disaster.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi S.A,

I work as a part time trainer at a human service organization. We too have had an influx of young adults on the Autism spectrum. It seems to be the disability of the day. Anyway, I go back over 30 years in this field and I see the changes too. A lot of the parents of kids with Autism are very savvy about programming because they have sent their kids to early intervention programs prior to having them placed in group homes. It's not like it was back in the day when clients were being referred from institutions. There is a huge push towards mainstreaming kids into schools. I see your point. On one hand there are those kids that with a lot of support may actually reach a level where they can do for themselves but, I like you have seen so many kids like you describe that find the classroom environment too challenging.

My frustration with full time "salaried" employment these days is corporate slavery. Once on salary at least where I work on paper it's 40 hours a week but, the reality is closer to 60+. So, they wind up getting the work of two full time employees for one salary. I don't earn nearly what I used to but am much happier now that I can call the shots. I do my training and I am out. Nobody calling me at all hours pushing me to do more and more for less and less. Anyway, I seem to have hijacked your diary here. Lol. Last thing; I completely agree about gambling as a way of generating income. What a fu cki ng laugh eh? I go in with a 200 budget. If the stars are aligned right I might break even. I spend that and then 300. more that I had no intention of spending. Walk out 500. in the hole and usually crying about it. What a crock of **** gambling is! Take Care S.A. I'm with you whatever your decision is and keep fighting the good fight man. -joanxxx