Hope

Hi SA....you've said it yourself. This forum works for you. Since you've been on here you have not have a bet, so you are a winner. Now count the "experts" who come back with their tails between their legs because they cant stop and then question the methods of others.

Do what is right for you in your heart and what works for you, and ignore those who dont have the same committment or determination as yourself.

Whatever your circumstances, the ultimate goal is to stop gambling. Why break a winning formula, for once one that works.

Best wishes

Keith

Thanks Danm and Keith.. do what works for me.. thats the way it has to be... I agree.

I primarilly just use this site to record my thoughts in my diary.. it helps get stuff out my system. The fact is that sometimes I feel i don't really have enough people to talk to and people around me.. so splurging my stuff out in type..is an oulet. If I didn't do this or something similar I might be tempted to go and tell a machine with a slot in it what sort of day i'd had. And if the machine could talk it won't no doubt say..

"well am listening, keep putting the coins in, thats it keep them coming. If you think youve had a bad.. well you aint seen nothing yet..am gonna make you feel like s**t"

I woke up this morning, very early..was feeling depressed but instead of lay there I thought i'd get down the gym. I don't usually go first thing in the morning but glad i did. I managed 10 km on the tread mill and some machine weights and then slugged out in the sauna. Had a nice chat with this someone in there.. a someone who was pre-pared to listen as well as give their thoughts. I enjoyed it lots.. its the every day chit chat that i miss sometimes..living alone can be hard. But then i dont want to go back to flat share house share land.. am too independant now and sometimes i really enjoy my solitude. Its finding that balance i think.

The first episode of Pole to Pole with Michal Palin.. he's crossing spitbergen (An Island in the Arctic) on one of those motor bikes for snow (dunno what there called)..anyway he stops the night at a log cabin thats forever and a day away from civilisation. Anyway this chap has lived their alone for 20 years.. he hunts wild animals for their furs and a couple of times a year. he travels to sell them. But besides that he's totally on his jack jones (own).

Michael asks him is there anything that he misses about living so remote from civilisation and other people. He pauses to think and says.. no, not really.. he then says well perhaps the company of women ie s*x.. but then he stops himself and says.. not even that.. lol Why am i telling this story you might ask?

Well i think the answer to that is that i went all the way through my teens and twenties feeling terrified of being alone.. as if, if your not coupled up with children by such and such an age then that was it.. you'd missed the boat, on the shelf, on your own, sad git, failure.. bla bla... cue gambling.

But the thing is, overall my thoughts and views are changing and still changing. Despite the occasional days of melancholly I am becoming a much happier person, more comfortable in my own skin and i'd much rather be on my own than in a relationship that i didnt want to be in but felt trapped by becuase of children.

The man in the log cabin in Spitzbergen had made his choice and was living by his choice and was happy in his choice. I too have choices and today I choose to be happy with my life and the way i choose to live it. And most importantly I choose not to gamble... one day at a time. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

I can completely commiserate with you on the fear of lonliness. Seems like in my younger days, I always had to have a man in my life. After years of it, I realized that having them was not unlike having another child.

I was a single mom of two girls who have both grown up to be accomplished beautiful women. It was really hard raising them, and I can remember saying (somewhat in jest) that I could not wait until they were grown and gone!

After they were, I was left alone. That's when I started to gamble with a vengence. It became a viscious circle. I was lonely and bored, so I gambled, then I isolated because I was ashamed or afraid "others" would know of my irrational behavior.

I headed for the casinos late at night so I would not run into anyone I knew. I'd drive hours and hours to a far away casino so no one there would know me. I moved away as soon as someone sat at a machine beside me. I totally isolated myself.

At the same time, I was miserably lonely. No one to really talk to and those I did, I kept up my "front" so they would not suspect I led a sordid, late night life. I hated myself for what the casinos meant to me and kept going so I could hate myself.

A viscious circle, indeed. You and I started our recovery about the same time. When I read your diary and check the dates, I see that we are so close in our progress.

I'm glad your diary helps you so much. Your diary also helps me. I don't write as often as I should or could, I still isolate when things are not so good. I wish I could overcome that and will work on it with you as inspiration.

Thank you so much for the comraderie. Kudos on your openmindedness and your honesty. Its good to know we are not really alone.

Shirley

Hi SA, I read you last post with interest, being alone. I'm so pleased you are feeling comfortable with who you are, its not always an easy place to be. But its the only place to be; comfortable with yourself. You do whats right for you. You always talk a lot of sense, you've been there, tried everyone elses way, you know what works for you. Hope you are having a better day, take care, love Ostrich x

Hey S.A

Firstly I don't blame you for not wanting to go back into House share land,Somebody else drinking my milk you have no idea how much that used to P#ss me off....

What you say about Spitzbergen ( its the most northern or southern inhabitted place in the world isn't it) NORTHERN thats it Joanna Lumley went there on her way to see the Northern Lights " I always thought that they where in BLACKPOOL " they are called Skido's the jetski things on snow...

Anyway this being alone thing REMEMBER when your life changes from abstaining from Gambling everything around you will change.. So suddenly you start to become more attractive to people ( I Don't mean sexually) although that may happen as well..

When I was looking for a friend or a partner I didn't look for someone with"Baggage" I looked for someone smart, articulate, bright and fun (just like you) to be with. Not someone who was washed up looking for there next "FIX".. If you are looking for a friend or partner they are out there, just waiting for YOU to become part of there live's Good luck and happy hunting Danm

Hi SA

Thanks for your post - I am glad to know that payplan are to be trusted...I only hope my bro doesnt gamble while he is getting debt sorted!! Time will tell hey.

I also read your post with interest....I totally agree with what you and others said. To be happy in and with yourself is the main point...everything else falls into place after that. I have found in my own life that genuine contentment is not a forced thing but a natural progression of accepting who we are and what we are. I used to try to convince myself I was happy with my lot and actually this pretense made me more unhappy. I now accept that I am one of those people that will always strive for more and accepting this (amongst other things) has led me to a much happier place.....not every day I hasten to add.

Stay true to yourself and well done on your recovery.

Y

x

WOW!! .. thank you everyone for your considered thoughts.. rest assured i shall reflect upon them.. and be parachuting into your diaries in the near future. Thanks 🙂

I am over tired today..but fine. Another day draws to a close gambling free. Early night for me. Reagrds to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Its been a tiring week am gonna take it easy this weekend.. as I do most weekends. I have things to do, cleaning, tidying, sorting clothes out, doing some work on Nvq qualification..but to be honest i don't feel like doing any of it.

Ive quite enjoyed writing on here this morning..which is about the only thing i can motivate myself to do this morning..strange given that it takes a bit of brain power to write and think. But its good that I think.. my gambling days were days of no thinking just doing, just pressing the button.

Its says in the Ga books about idleness and procrastination and periods of unconstructive thinking. I know that if I do..what i need and want to do today..I will feel better afterwards having acheived something.

My plan for the rest of the day... do the washing up, sort my clothes and put them away, spend a little time working on Nvq, a little light cleaning and tidying up. Pick up the phone and chat with some friends. Maybe arrange coffee or perhaps to go out this evening. Phone family, catch up on the gossip. Check my blood pressure and record. Do a few pieces on the puzzle. Go to tesco's buy something nice for tea.

I will not spend today watching back to back episodes of The Bill.. lol.. just a couple peraps. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

hi s.a,

just wanted to pop by and say hello,just read your last post.....i found it quite interesting in a strange way....as what you are doing today is just a normal day's activities for most....so i guess this is what it's like leading the normal life without gambling......i haven't had a day like that for years where i cleaned up,went for coffee...my life was alway's a mad dash to finish everything so i could gamble......so i think in a way it's great your doing normal things from the outside looking in it's just a "normal life".......catch ya soon have a great weekend.

green x

Hi SA, beef stew, again, AH made it. Its now part of his routine when he's off at the weekend. He gets in the kitcken and rattles those pots and pans! He's even learning to clean up after himself, thank goodness. Didn't manage to get to swimming, things kept cropping up. AH disturbed some 'hoodies' trying to break into a neighbours house, they ran off when they realised they'd been seen. So far we've had five visits from the police, six phone calls from various departments within the police, a visit from elderly neighbours son, and AH had to go with SOC officer so they could take prints off doors and windows etc. Another CID will call on Monday to get his written statement. Now I know why our community tax is so high. And nothing was taken.

Hope you managed to do all the tasks you wanted. Its a nice feeling when you can achieve all or most of what you wanted to do.

Impressed with your swimming, I tend to spend more time in the hot tub chatting than actually swimming. Have you tried a wasjig yet, they're great fun? Anyway, cyber place saved for you for dinner tomorrow, lamb chops, roast potatoes, broccolli, cauliflower and p*k choi, ice cream to follow.

What happened to your bike? I reckon I'll be a fairweather biker, warm dry sunny days only! Getting really excited thinking about doing this for me. Selfish cow! The kids and AH are in shock! Its put the twinkle back in my eyes! Sorry rambling again, off to my own diary. Thank you so much for your support, I really was in a desperate state. Take care, you are in charge of your own destiny. Ostrich x

Hi SA,

Thank you for your post. It is a good thing for us to watch each others' recovery. Funny, (or not) how so many post about the things they need to do or should do. I am a master procrastinator. I can procrastinate at procrastination!

At my GA meeting last night there were only members who had more than 90 days so we read the "after 90 days" book and procrastination was a big part of the discussion.

I found over the years that I could procrastinate on things for days, then weeks, then months, then years, then decades. They when they finally caught up with me and I had to face the not so good consequences, I became the victim. Oh my, oh me, look what happend. Just because I did not do such and such ten years ago! Seems totally insane to a normal person, but to a gambler, it is all completely normal. Why face nasty things when you can run to a slot machine, slip into the dream world, and not face reality. That has been my life for over 11 years.

When I started my recovery, I had a huge fear of what was coming, what would catch up with me. Now, I am willing to meet it head on. I must admit that I'm still afraid of the consequences, but I'm done running and hiding. I want my dream world crushed. I want to live in reality.

I get my things done now in little spurts. I always feel accomplished and have good intentions about continuing my chores, but unfortunately, my spurts only last a day or a few hours. I'm trying to learn to be responsible every single day. I keep plodding along, doing this or that, believing the end will eventually be in sight.

Thank you again for your honest words of encourgement. I wish you the best and a gambling free future. And, remember, if you don't sort the clothes today, they will be there waiting for you tomorrow!

Another gambling free day passing. Met friend for coffee this morning and then down the gym. Managed 10.17 km's in one hour. I feel very pleased with that. The sauna and steam room after was bliss.

Ive got some of what i planned to do yesterday done..flat is tidier and cleaner and have done all my laundry. I did a tiny bit of my Nvq qualification work, but only a tiny bit and the lady comes tomorrow to check my progress. Am stressing a bit to be honest.. I need to stop procrastinating and just get on with it

Also been meaning to phone family this weekend but haven't. Am just finding it hard to pick up the phone. It shouldnt really be such an ordeal but sometimes it feels like that. Its only touching base really, a little light chit chat..let everyone know that all is basically fine.

Of course when i was bang at it.. no body heard nothing from me.. i'd go to ground.. well go to some arcade and stay there. I don't want my family to have to worry about me.

This evening I intend to be a little bit pro-active. I know I will feel better for doing so. Thanks for your thoughts Recovering..procrastination is the word of the moment.. I will be abseiling into your diary soon 😉 Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

hi S.A

thanks for your comments on my diary. i can totally relate to you hesitating to pick up the phone and make a simple call...i do exactly the same! it takes me a long time to find the courage to call someone, even if its for something trivial! I think part of it low self esteem (for me anyway) and im trying to work through it with my counseller.

glad you had another gamble free day, so did i! take care

RB

Hi SA

Glad to hear you had a good day and a good talk with your sister. I have so many people to call but got in the habit of isolating so now fall into a "sitting around feeling sorry for myself" mode too often. I don't know why I can't pick up the phone, I just don't do it like I should. I feel lonely at times, but don't call those who would like to hear from me.

I think maybe it is because I was such a phone for so long, always making light of my life and faking happiness when I was miserable. Most of my family have no clue about my addiction, we live far apart, and I really am not ready to talk to them about it just yet. I am going to write my daughters each a separate letter and try to explain my absenses, bad judgements, etc and apologize. I'm not ready yet, and have just recently realized that I must, they derserve an explanation.

I was pretty worthless today, sat online and watched the tube. I feel like I'm waiting for something, just don't know what.

It was good to hear your day went well. Have a great gambling free week.

Another day passing gambling free. Ive just phoned my Dad and had a chat.. it felt good and he was pleased to hear from me. I don't know why I make it such a blumin drama just picking the phone up and making some calls. I plan to get into the habit of phoning people more often.

Anyway a busy day at a work but felt like i acheived and that feels good. Had a swim and sauna afterwards and all in all am on good form today. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂