Hope

Morning world,

Well I went for a run this morning, half expecting to see lots of other runners to avoid. But no, not a single one, in fact not a single person did I see, just a smattering of cars. maybe I was out too early, what with the clocks going forward. You'd think that people would be itching to get out for their daily solitary run. I struggled spending just "one" full day indoors. Nobody going for a Sunday run? It has made a difference to my mental health. I am depressed but it has lifted for now.

I am having guilty feelings about not being at work. I was asked if I wanted to cancel my over time shift this morning and i said yes, knowing that it would cause issues. On the one hand it was management being good to me cos they know that the lady with the broken hip episode had effected me but then on the other... am not very good at sitting at home doing not a lot.

I feel like.... I don't want to be at work but at the same time I do want to be at work. I don't want the stress and the pressure but I do want to feel like i have a purpose. For a man not to have a purpose you get depressed very quickly. I also want something to occupy my mind, that's why I come here and write my thoughts. In some ways having down time can be worse than being busy and stressed. But then once am at work am longing for the end of the shift and when it comes I have a sense of euphoria that iv'e made it.

Working at the heavy end of care and support has never really done me any good, even though iv'e helped countless extremely vulnerable and challenging people of all ages along the way. When all this is over I want to go and do something practical and manual and physical. I want to pick heavy things up and put them on the top shelf whilst i still can. I want to feel like a man.

Thanks for listening

Well as distractions go, you are a very intriguing distraction. I love it when you pop up on my feed. Your intelligence and awareness is beyond mine. I think my guardian angels send you to write to me to feed my inquiring mind and thirst for knowledge and personal growth. I want to know you see. I want to know whats really going on. I feel the evil in this world. I consider what you say and think about it. 

I also laugh a lot. I understand the point you make. All the nonsense that we are fed. Stepping back and seeing whats really going on. Opening the mind. Like you say I have infinity to figure things out

well the Lazarus post to me has been removed...

censorship gone mad... a sign of the times I suppose

SA,

I must have missed the drama on your diary this morning. I hope all is OK.

I went for a run this morning which takes me to five consecutive days. I’m going to go out running every day. It makes me feel good.

I didn’t see any runners out this morning. Plenty of cyclists- even got a wave from one of them - he must be knew to it.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy a well deserved day off today.

RR

Thanks RR.... yesterday was just a bit of daftness on my part. History now.

As it stands am actually off until Friday. I feel guilty about that. Its annual leave booked long time ago and its still been honoured which surprises me. Part of me wants to be in the thick of it, cos sitting at home ruminating on things does me no good either, but at the same time going back to work fills me with dread.

Spoke to my sister yesterday. She has been furlowed or whatever they call it, so still getting 80% of her basic wage. On the one hand this is good but she says she feels terribly guilty for having an income for doing nothing. She has signed up for the NHS volunteers which is great. I says try not to feel guilty, it is what it is, just go with the flow. But being from the same genetic stock I understand where she is coming from. Its horrible feeling useless. I understand how a lot of elderly folk must feel.

My mate texted me. he wants me to go round with 4 pints of milk, tea bags and hair clippers. I says no. It means a journey on the bus and it breaks the rules on unnecessary travel. he will have to hunker down and ride it out just like the rest of us. This is one of those occasions where he will have to feel the consequences of his gambling just like i will. I suspect he will just show up at mine, but that way it wouldn't have been me that broke the rules.

Am sitting here in my running gear. Time to run.

Thanks for listening

SA,

I hope you have a lovely run. I usually wait until about 10.30 trying to get the outside temp up to 6 degrees. I have nothing but time so can be picky.

Unfortunately, I have a diesel lawnmower and due to the countrywide shortage of diesel and the risk of infection on pumps it is the correct and proper decision to delay cutting of grass for as long as possible. (I made that one up on my own and sold it to the wife - belter).

Take care. Relax for a few days.

RR

I'm intrigued by the Lazarus post. Sad to have missed it! 

Diaries are a very censored environment these days. I do wish there was another site where we could say what we effing well want to, as long as we're not abusing anyone. Oh, well. It is what it is.

I do think I squander a lot of time when not at work but personally, I resent selling my time and energy to an employer for a pittance, so sitting on my sofa watching crazy YouTube videos instead, is my way at sticking my fingers up at the paymasters.

You are doing great.

Thanks Freda x

I was thinking. There is a real potential for a lot of premature death at my place of work. A large retirement facility... 200 flats. Iv'e just texted my colleague asking her whether we are wearing face masks yet when assisting our vulnerable clients??... cos you can't do social distancing when your helping someone out of bed. The answer... nope... we are carrying on as normal. Wash hands, wear gloves and those pathetic aprons as needed. It will only take one us to get the virus and go to work not knowing that we have got it... to cause carnage. I could literally be the grim reaper!! I joke about it with residents but I think i will stop doing that. You would think that by now that masks would be readily available and we would have had "instruction" from management to use them! But no,they are of course more concerned about staff not phoning in sick, which i understand BUT surely protective equipment and the required use of it must come first??

Did you know that in France they don't count deaths from covid 19 outside of hospitals, in their official statistics. I don't know whether that is the policy here. The real death toll could be a lot higher than what we are led to believe.

I just needed to get that out of my system

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Thank you for your kind post. Im better today, not even sure if it was big C symptoms but gotta be careful as truly dont want to spread it to people.

Its true ....we are the biggest carriers as we get in contact with so many different & ill people. Its unavoidable..its our job. 

Ummmm...im off till Monday, i see youre on leave. That is good, hope you get some time to rest and relax...well, just mentally recover from current situation i guess.

I've seen Lazarus post! Nice and thought provoking read. No idea why it has been taken off? ....surely it didnt harm anyone apart some sort of political party or so...for some reason don't think many of us are on here from those avenues but again, cannot ever put a label on the gambler.

I do hope you're staying safe & well....

I drew curtains closed already lol...thats my way of isolating.

Much love & blessings, touch the base when/ if want to.

S&B xx

Ps. re the masks..i only put mine few weeks back just to take a mahhoosive selfie with work colleagues...we had a laugh....not so funny now huh..

Now i only wear gloves at all times....i guess, my health proves that its not enough.. xx

SA

fella I was probably one of the few who actually did read our friend Lazarus post and I have sat on it for the past 24 hours or so not wanting to let my emotions get built up because I know before I would have found it an excuse to throw my toys out of the pram and as a result give up one of the tools in my recovery box 

in truth I am just saddened by the fact that as a result we don’t get the priceless support and help from some decent folk as a result of the moderation in the circumstances it occurs today, I have wondered if my own thread had been moderated in the same fashion from day one half it’s content would be missing as a result.

 I have heard it often said in the rooms of GA that just take what you want and leave the rest which I totally understand today.

 I hope you get the right support when you return to work, it does seem a little strange to me that the other front line workers outside the nhs  that are continuing to do their jobs whilst being at risk and a risk to others aren’t given the protective equipment.

take care of yourself fella 

just for today 

Duncs 

Well, it is what it is Dunc's. I have actually done the job of being an advisor and helped to moderate forums. Its not easy, its a judgement call as to what stays and what goes and what gets edited. As others have noted, moderation has increased on this forum over the years, but maybe that's just a consequence of what has been learn't over the years. Remember that it was only about 15 years ago that recovery forums like this one got going.

I haven't had a very good day really. I had another text from my mate, announcing that he still needs bread, milk, tea bags and hair clippers.... as if i am just gonna rush over and provide these things. I pointed out to him, that if he hadn't of gambled his money away he wouldn't be in this predicament. I wasn't having a go as such cos i also said that i am in much the same predicament, because i had done the same as what he had done ie pay day had come just before the virus crisis and lock down had happened and when bookmakers were still open

Now am thinking to myself, well my situation isn't quite as bad as his and I do have sufficient food and I don't want to see him going hungry. So I says I will do you a survival bag ie a bag full of the basics but he would have to come around and collect it. Anyway I hear nothing for hours on end and then i get a text with him telling me about somebody he knows who's had the virus but is now getting better and she has gone from being a young lady to a woman. Am thinking, what the f**k are you on about?? Do you need food or what?? Are you coming around to get it or not?? Are you in crisis or not?? Don't f**k with my head. Am here dividing up my food supplies so you can get through and your just messing with me. he will get nothing now. Iv'e spent a life time sorting everyone else out but sabotaging myself. Why do i do this? Its got to stop...

Strangely I reminded myself of some of the answers when I stumbled across an episode of "Spendaholics"... In this episode it was this 20 something lad with huge credit card bills who couldn't stop buying stuff that he didn't need. Anyway the psychologist fella deduced that he did this because he was angry with his mother for walking out on his father and he wasn't able to tell his mother that he was angry with her. This 20 something lad felt like he had to become the father figure of the house (he being the eldest child) but whilst he was still a child. In short he became an adult overnight. Anyway the psychologist fella reckoned that he was sub-conciously demonstrated his anger towards his mother through his self-destructive behaviours.

Of course you know where I am going with this. I relate with regards to me. A similar scenario was suggested to me in counselling many years ago. In short self destructive behaviour as a result of suppressed emotion. I mean I haven't been conciously angry with my mum for leaving my dad for decades, but you never know whats going on beneath the surface in the sub-concious. Iv'e to have a firm belief in the soul and it might just be that surpressed emotion just sits there for a life time. Is this where all addictions stem from? My mate is early 60's and still just as self destructive in his behaviours as he was in his 20's. I really am gonna work hard moving forward to stop my self-destructive ways. I don't want this to become a full life term. I want it to stop.

I wasn't planning such a long post... I spose this is one side effect of lock down. Turn it into a positive eh... to do some work on self.

Thanks for listening

Just been reading some of your diary s.a quite the journey you've been on and I really hope in time you can get yourself back on your feet and living life in a more comfortable manner.

I too work in the care sector and your place of work rather sounds like mine regarding PPE we have someone in self isolation at the moment. All we have is gloves.....can't abide by the 2 metre rule when giving personal care. It's a matter of time before I pick up the symptoms and how does the company treat me..... statuary sick pay of £94 a week because I risk it for the job. The one thing this pandemic shows is alot of these care companies in the first place weren't fully equipped to provide the care they're meant too. The hierarchy in these companies don't believe in duty if care to its service users nor it's staff......rant over!!!

Hope today is a good day for you

Well yes i sure do hope to get to a more comfortable place. I fully intend to.

Remember that at the end of the day, a lot of care companies are set up by small groups of individuals to make a profit. Care for profit. Its sick really isn't it. Years ago when i worked in care/support work it was a little more valued in the sense of what you got in your pay packet. I use to get time and a half for after 12 noon on a Saturday, double time every Sunday, double sleep in rates for the weekends and bank holidays, a pay rise for every year of service and a company wide pay rise every year. I once went on a client holiday, brought in at the last minute and got paid 24 hours a day for 3 days. You don't get none of that now. Nowadays we are supposed to feel grateful cos we get double time for exmas day and new years day and a few pence pay rise once a year if your lucky... And now since the crisis started we are supposed to feel grateful for having a job at all, even though we are putting our lives and the lives of those we support on the line, because we don't have the proper PPE. It sucks. maybe I should get my grim reaper outfit out.

Am having a rubbish day today, but at least am not gambling.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Yeah, times has changed so much now. Im still shocked but quite blessed to get double time on bank holidays and so on plus the day's holiday on top. Had no such comfort in another place i worked.

I had to carry over so many holidays as i had no chance to use them. Every time i did try - i picked up overtime which means they returned my holidays to me...good in a way...but again, im still tired lol.

Ummm..so what's been going on today? Just feel S***e in general? I suppose those days are very expected now...in this climate we see ourselves in.

These four walls drives me crazy too! Just nothing to do...but eat ?...lil girl must think it heaven...and it will be for pets..

I was just telling my sister...my musings about this pandemic. Positives and negatives...

Families may get closer, children will see more of the parents,...we may even learn how to cook more, more communication/unity, pets has their heavens,..protecting the environment!.  

..negatives...some couples are now stuck in toxic relationships.....DA through the roof, excessive energy/gas use (costs more), more depressed ppl (esp the single ones), education will still suffer unfortunately as you cannot home school to the standards required,...& no option to....to say goodbye to the one who is ill..i think that last one got me completely.. 

Anyway....well, keep staying safe right....keep protecting yourself as much as ya can.

S&B xx