Hope

Good Morning SA,

Ive not been posting as much in the past few weeks which hasn’t been on purpose just life flying by.

Anyway, how are you getting on? I hope you’re ok.

I can only imagine how tough things have been in your workplace and how stressed you must feel. It’s a terrible shame. I hope you can find time to unwind and get out running.

I feel fitter than I have in a long time and I’ve truly fell in love with running again. I look forward to it everyday. The way it makes me feel afterwards is amazing.

Its been surreal for me at work. First week everyone cautious and using masks, gloves, visors etc. That lasted less than a week. Nobody wears anything now and social distancing almost non existent. Very quickly work went back to how it was prior to the shutdown. As i type that I realise how strange it must read.

I hope you’re ok. Take care.

RR

Hi RR... thanks for dropping in. Yeah your right, work feels stressy. I can't cope with other people's whinging and moaning, though people like to off load to me for some reason. I do apologise to woman kind in advance but your need to verbalise every thought, every feeling, every emotion, every detail in a high pitched shrill... just does my fruit in. Can't you see that that am stupidly tired and am not even listening to your whinging. I guess I just have sponge written on my forehead,,, soak up others people's emotional s**t. Work is tough, cos regular staff are leaving and residents needs are increasing and current management are new and inexperienced

Am not gambling and currently have no urges to gambling but as always am suffering the consequences financially and emotionally from the last "event", which consisted of me gambling at a non-gamstop casino, where my money got converted into russian rubbles and I managed to blow a big wedge of cash in next to no time, all the while knowing that if I did win I probably wouldn't of got paid out anyway, as judged by the scathing criticism of this scam casino on the internet. But I spose this is the power of addiction and the need to gamble just for the sake of a gamble. I am trying to get my card blocked from gambling transactions but with my bank their seems not to be a simple feature on the website to do this and I haven't perservered with phoning them cos i can't be arsed.

So, in conclusion I continue to be a bit of a train wreck of a human being but am in a slightly better place than i was say 2 weeks ago... 

Thanks for listening

Glad to read your update. Keep communicating, it's important. 

My partner was wittering on last night and doesn't usually, I noticed it and thought how draining it was but that I do it all the time. I've often thought that although we have many valid points when it comes to feminism and equality, we do have a fair few double standards of our own.

Sounds like your job is still not good for you.

But on balance it is better that am working than not working. My ramblings above are just a stress reaction after just 3 shifts in a row. But yesterdays shift did involve me getting up at 4 and walking to work, so its no surprise that i end up feeling so f****d by the end of it. Am tentatively looking for new work but I don't want it to feel like out of the frying pan and into the fire so I proceed with caution.

Am stepping up pressure on the council. Its now 3 months without hot water. If I was a family with young children they wouldn't leave it this long, pandemic or no pandemic.

I want to live a normal gambling free life. I don't want to live on the edge anymore.

Thanks for listening

The workings of my mind are bizarre. At this moment in time I have clarity of thought, even though am stupidly tired. My gambling is soo self-destructive its beggars belief. How I am still alive God only knows. My spiritual life review will be terribly sad to see. Scene after scens of me with head in hands, tears in eyes, wanting to die, etc etc. Out of all the self-destructive things i have ever done, gambling stands out, head and shoulders above absolutely everything else.

In my mind their is nothing more destructive than compulsive gambling.

I just needed to say this to myself

Thanks for listening

Hi @S.A I agree I've done stupid stuff in my life but compulsive gambling is absolutely by far the most destructive. I'm 14 days today GF and have much clearer thoughts. I wish you strength and some positivity that you can start to move forward stop pushing the self destruct button. I'll always listen

SA,

Thanks for your earlier post on my diary.

As I’ve said to you before, things can turn good very quickly. For you it will happen. For whatever reason, you’ll stop, stay stopped and things will get progressively better very quickly. In your case, and I hope you don’t mind me saying this but your life would change for the better far, far quicker than the majority. I’ve read every one of your posts. I know from reading that you’ve had unbelievable struggles with basic essentials that many including me take for granted whether it be food, heating, hot water, transport etc.

The difference between you and your average geezer is that you never give up. You never quit and you never hide away. You face up to life no matter how hard it hits and no matter how brutal.

It’ll happen. When it does I’m tracking you down, taking you out to celebrate.

Keep your chin up always and march on.

RR

Hi SA,

I hope you’re doing ok and work is manageable.

I injured my hamstring and cannot run for a while. It’s unbelievable the impact that this has had on my state of mind in the past week. Everything seems a bit rubbish from work to extended family matters. Its like missing my dose of medicine and it shows.

I only mention this to you as a fellow runner because you’ll get it.

Hopefully I’ll be able to start running again soon.

Take care.

RR

Sorry to hear about your injured hamstring RR, hope it heals sooner than you think. I remember when I first started running I use to get terrible shin splints.. it was very frustrating. Thank fully my legs have toughened up since then. They seem to be able to tolerate whatever I put them through, which at the moment includes long walks back from work in the warm sunshine.

Am trying to spend as little money as possible. After my latest gambling splurge where I frittered away stupid amounts of money in a short amount of time, I have now gone for a few days with spending precisely "nothing"... which helps to calm me very slightly as I need what i have left for food. I have been in this cycle for 3.5 years now. A life on the edge, a life of extreme's. But it is what it is and I can't change what I have done to myself. I can only look forward with renewed optimism.

Work has improved a little, new management starting to get to grips with things, stress levels slightly reduced. Pleased with myself that i hold it together... cos part of me just wants to go to bed and stay there.

Other positives.. council coming tomorrow to finally replace hot water tank after 3 months without hot water. Also iv'e been forcing myself to be a little more social. had a nice walk and talk with my neighbour and also an old acquaintence that i texted out of the blue.

Onwards... S.A 🙂

Great to hear you are putting yourself out there again. Isolation is a gambler's best friend. Well, part of a posse with time on your hands and opportunity 😉 Their nights out get pretty wild..

Thanks Freda.

Well no gambling since my last post. Starting to feel slightly more human once again.

Iv'e just been for my an anti-body test. I await the result. I'd be very surprised if iv'e had it. Staff have all been coming back negative and there hasn't been an outbreak at my work place

There is such a mismatch though between what you here politicians say on the television and what happens in reality. Its like it wasn't easy to get myself a test. An hour on hold when i phoned up. Then I had to prove who I was, that i lived and worked in the borough and that my job qualified for a test etc. I thought the whole point was to cut through red tape and get as many people tested as possible. Given that I work with many elderly and vulnerable people surely the authorities should be demanding that people like me get tested?? Anyway its done now...

Financially am struggling big time, living on tiny amount of money. Nothing new for me though. If I gambled now i wouldn't eat. 

Hey ho...onwards and forwards..S.a

Hey SA,

Pleased to read you're a bit on the even keel ...brick by brick my friend, you're moving to the right direction.

Lucky you getting the test in ?...i didn't even think of mine lol..i kinda know i had it back in December/Jan..as i felt so awful for about 3 weeks. Probably spreaded it all over as continued to go to work...but who knows...we didn't know what's what back then so it wasn't intentional..

Hopefully results will come back clear and will allow peace of mind for you.

I wish you well...look after yourself & eat!!!! (She says whilst chomping on a fried egg and sausage ?)..ya see - i listen to your advice!

S&B xx

Hiya S&B... glad your eating! 😉 Am eating tooo much and turning into a fat b*****d. 🙂

Well am off work again today but already feeling stressed about going back to work tomorrow... 3 back to back early shifts probably doing the double ups with new staff once again. The urge to escape my thoughts, feelings and general stressed feelings is quite strong today. Am actually slightly hung over as well, so that might be part of it.

Yesterday i went for a very long walk with my neighbour and friend. I do enjoy "walk and talk" but he does insist on buying cans of strong lager/cider for the walk.. by the end of it am bit drunk. Its not a path i want to go down really. My days of drunkenness are long gone but I know it would be very easy to switch addictions and get back to drinking. I use to binge drink in my twenties and early thirties and it done me no good... though it is cheaper than gambling. 

I will watch my feelings today and i won't be gambling.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA  it's terrible isn't it as not only do we worry about relapsing with gambling we then worry about swapping addictions it's never ending. But I think it's a positive thing because we are aware of everything the blinkers that gambling put on us are going or gone. We see the pitfalls clearer and actively avoid them. Be kind to yourself today and hoping your working days go smoothly. Best wishes

Thanks Charlieboy,

Well no gambling (or drinking for that matter) since my last post. My last 3 early shifts went ok and now iv'e got some annual leave, so am off work for a bit. I thought i was working tomorrow but they have taken me off. For what reason i do not know. I hope it doesn't effect my pay packet.

Anyway time to relax and then get back to some running and all being well do some other positive stuff. I can't see myself going for a socially distanced pint, its just not the same with all the new rules and regulations.

Thanks for listening.