Hope

SA, I also send my regards, I found a website called debt camel really helped me, just for info

I've not read full updates but note you mention the library so I guess limited internet access, whenever you get to read this, I hope you are keeping well and positive and wish you all the best

take care

Hi all... and thank you for your concern and thoughts and sorry for not being about. 

Just wanted to say that am ok. I have gambled since last post, I won't lie, but overall am heading in the right direction. I feel complete abstinence is within my reach. It is something I want.

I can't write anymore as am time limited on this library computer but i will do a proper update when it happens.

Happy thoughts to all who read this and thanks again for your comments.

S.A x

Good to hear an update.

I see progress and change within you, too. I understand that although complete abstinence is the goal for most CG's, we can still be doing pretty well in recovery and have the odd lapse.

I understand the GA tough love, no excuses stuff - but I just think you can feel so demoralised that you give up giving up, if you haven't managed 100% abstinence. I would say my gambling behaviour has reduced by at least 95% since I started addressing it and that is not "nothing". It has made my life much more pleasant and productive.

Keep posting when you can.

Thanks Freda... and yes its hard when we feel demoralised, but like you suggest, progress not perfection is perfectly ok.

Anyway, this may well be my last post this year (hopefully not).... library may well be shut for sometime.

Excellent news that the bookmakers will be closed during lock down.... no temptation means I will be gamble free into December at least. I aim to make what remains of the year positive after a very self-destructive year due to my gambling. It has certainly been in the top 5 of the worst years of my life. Am so ready not to be living on the financial and psychological edge like all the time. I have been resilient but now I want to thrive. Bring on 2021 with a renewed sense of hope and possibility.

Am also thinking of all my friends here on the forum and wishing you well on your journeys. I still read people's thoughts on my phone.

Warmth and happiness to all.

S.A x

Dear @s-687,

good to hear from you and good to hear you are positive and determined. 

You have had a very challenging year altogether (as have many no doubt) so try and be kind to yourself. Put blocks in place, look for positive ways to do self-care and hopefully 2021 will be a better year for all of us.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin 

Stay strong mate! Your a good man you deserve a life without stress and worry.                       Take care mate 

Thank both.

To my surprise the library is open, for computer use only. No strolling about, straight to puter for up to an hour and then off you go... suits me fine cos that's all I use it for anyway.

Anyway I haven't gambled for a while. Its easy at the moment because am completely blocked unless I want to buy a lottery product which i don't. So of course my financial situation is slightly less fraught. Tomorrow is another pay day and i have more than 6p in my account as it approaches. Debts no longer stress me out, I just speak to them when they require and I pay what i can. I had to speak to the water people and the woman says "you are in a mental health household?". I wanted to laugh as i says yes. In other words I get a discount cos am classed as mad :-).... but then thinking about it, it is pretty mad gambling your money away isn't it.... chasing some feature for a quick thrill and then doing it again and again for years!

Work is getting gradually more stressy. Elderly vulnerable residents sitting in isolation behind close doors, physically and mentally deteriorating. All activities and seating in the communal areas has been removed. Nobody does nothing. An elderly resident had a fall the other day. I was first on the scene. She lying half under the bed after a valiant attempt to get from commode back to bed. Am not allowed to help her of course if she can't help herself. ... so the 94 year old lay on the floor for 5 hours waiting for an ambulance. This is going to be the norm for the winter period. The unseen and uncounted collateral deaths from this pandemic are going to rise. For me these scenario's are going to be more difficult to cope with as more staff either leave for stress related reasons or go off to self-isolate whether it's genuine or not. Managing one's own stress and the residents stress and other colleagues stress is not easy sometimes.

Of course I have to stay in a job if I possibly can, so i have to cope with whatever work stress comes my way. Am trying my best to be good to myself when not at work. Music, relaxation, running... had a really enjoyable run this morning. Also trying to cook a bit more and generally eat a bit more healthily. And now that I know that the library is staying open I will update a bit more often, as the act of writing itself is therapy for me. Gets me to think and focus.

Thanks for listening... warmth and happiness to all

S.A x

Really happy for you, that current circumstances are helping you get some abstinence going. You defo deserve less chaos and the heating on 🙂

Hi SA,

Just touching the base...hope all is well with yourself! I see you are keeping on running..good stuff man! I cant move from yesterday's gym session ? God help me whn i wake up ?

Take care and keep slaying this dragon one step at a time!

S&B xx

Hi SA,

I hope you are well.

Not heard from you in a while.

I wish you the very, very best for 2021.

Take care.

RR

Hi... first post since 12th November!! Am back!!!

Iv'e bought myself a computer. Whilst a smart phone is fine for paying bills, making calls, texts, browsing a bit and sending a few emails, it has its limitations. The screen is small and its effecting my eyesight. Iv'e had a to go to the pound shop to get glasses. I certainly can't do long rambling messages about life from a smart phone.. so I stopped coming here. But I have missed it. I have to get my thoughts out my head otherwise I end up gambling, again!

Anyway I think my last gamble was December the 4th, when the 2nd lock down came to an end and I decided to walk into a bookmakers having no idea what the restrictions were. As it turned out I was asked to leave after 15 minutes... but still managed to lose £50 plus in that short amount of time. I felt like a right numpty. If it wasn't for that I would have been 3 months clean.... but I haven't gambled since then so that's still a good thing.

Life in general is just about ok. Work is doing my head in, struggling to cope with colleagues and clients alike but for me its better that am in a job than not in a job. Lock down doesn't really make a huge difference to my life, cos am quite self-contained anyway and its not like I was going to the pub or flying to brazil before the pandemic anyway. I guess the main thing is that I haven't seen any of my family for over a year which thinking about it is a big deal.... I guess in the summer that will change.

I haven't had Covid and there hasn't been a big outbreak where i work. I get tested weekly. I have had my first jab last week.  I hope the vaccine thing works... cos this has all dragged on... and i guess we are all getting fed up of it.

Anyway... hi to all who know me and hi to all that don't.... x

SA,

You’ve just brought a smile to my face. I’ve missed you and I’m glad that you are healthy and well and that you seem positive and upbeat.

I am delighted that you’ve got a good month and a half under your belt without gambling. I hope this is the start of a long journey of abstinence for you. You deserve that so much.

Take care.

RR

Alas its all gone to s**t again. Getting another computer triggered me to gamble again, on one of those dodgy casino's ... what a numpty. Anyway have stopped again now that have done some damage and reminded myself how sick I become once I start. Have excluded. Now back on the waggon.

Also had some bad news. My dad is dying of cancer, not the virus. I haven't seen him for 15 months. Spoke to my sisters. they were in floods of tears but strangely I wasn't. Iv'e kind of been expecting it and I don't know if this sounds harsh and unemotional but in life we live and then we die. Iv'e seen quite a lot of death over the last year, up close and personal and iv'e kind of become a bit numb to it. I know its supposed to be different when its your own flesh and blood but then I also know for a fact that my dad has had a good life, he's lived it to the full and now its coming to a close. Its almost as if he told me about his cancer as a matter of courtesy. I get it. We live we die, that's the deal

Thanks for listening. 

Hey..

Sorry to hear about the dad and your own personal struggles. Life ...is life. As you say, we come and go...

In between matters the most and so we do our upmost in that regard. Not perfect, but the best we can..

Hope you're able to see him and create more positive memories. 

You're a good man SA..please be kind to yourself 

S&B xx

Hey thanks... I am a good man and for almost all of the last 3 months iv'e been good to myself by not gambling. Iv'e come unstuck again but hey it is what it is. One step forward, one step back, halve a step forward... on it goes.

Am a bit lost this morning, just hanging around waiting for the late shift. Am dreading it, cos I know whom I am working with. I don't want to be the big organiser, sorting things out and making sure things get done... but I think i will be forced into that role, even though my anxiety is high. maybe things will be fine, maybe...

My recent gambling feels like a lifetime ago now..... it feels like it was a classic pressure relieve thing... zone out to the slots just to calm myself down and switch off from everything...

Am looking forward to the end of winter as well as the pandemic. Am cold all the time, except when at work, cos then am boiling and covered in sweat with all the rushing around.

Thanks for listening