Hope

Another day draws to a close gambling free.. 39 days since my slip.

Its felt like another day of real emotional ups and downs. One moment feeling calm and relaxed and cheerful and then something little happens and I feel angry or stressed or overwhlemed and then I settle again...only for something else to come along.

This is life of course but in recent weeks and months its felt really quite bad.. and as I have said to myself in this diary before..until i find the courage to make some changes nothing is likely to change with my emotional health.

I am stronger than my addiction and i take life just one day at a time.

My search for inner peace and contentment is a life times journey.

Well done to me on my gambling free time.

Day 40 gambling free.

I feel tired, angry, fed up and P***** off today but I am gambling free and for that i am happy.

Its strange that I am struggling with issues in my life..most notably work issues but not with gambling. I am not having urges to gamble.

Anyway all for now my eyes are hurting I squint when i look at the screen.

Day 41 gambling free.

Its been one of those steadilly improving days. I awoke still thinking about issues to do with work..feeling angry about this n that..problems unresolved..issues with collegues..the list goes on. I notice that my own mental health is often at its worse on Friday after a full week at work..its as if things steadilly build up and i dont know how to process it all and I dont know how to simply switch off. Obviously in the past I would have taken the edge off with gambling but not now. I live and breath whatever is going on in my headspace.

Anyway as I was saying my day gradually improved..sent a few emails made a few phone calls.. spoke to a couple of friends.. had a joke and a laugh.. this helped. Later when I went down the gym I felt much calmer and on a level.. at peace with myself.

This evening I made a nice meal and enjoyed eating it. In the past I seldom ever cooked no time to cook or to eat properly when gambling. I use to graze on food like packet sandwiches, suasage rolls, burger king burgers and macdonalds breakfasts..cr** instant and expensive fast food.. together with the obligatory random chocolate bars and lots of coffee. Nowadays I eat much better and feel much better as a result.. I still eat takeaways and some fast food but its much much less.

No urges to gamble today. On to the next.

Hi Starting Over,

My name is Julie. I am relatively new here to the forum. I have been reading diaries, trying to get to know the people here. I have just finished yours, and wanted to pop in and say hi! I am 15 days clean today from a slip/relapse whatever we choose to call it. I am impressed with your strength and ability to stay in the moment and just deal with the emotions you are feeling at the time. I too am all over the place emotionally, seems to be the normal thing that when we stop gambling our emotions spill out ....and spill out.

Hugs,

Julie

Hi Julie and well done on your 15 days.

Funny you should mention about staying in the moment and living with the emotions in the here and now. Yes I am doing that but d**n hard at the moment. Today my thoughts and emotions really are all over the place.. I can't see the wood for the trees..this is work related as always. I want to burst into tears but somehow that thing of "men don't cry" has hold of me. I understand the principle of feeling the emotion and that once felt it loses its power to wear one down..its just today I am busilly surpressing my emotions. Today is very hard.

I am struggling to find the courage to make changes in my life. I struggle to smile.

I have not gambled today..for this i am pleased.

I am having moments when i am really starting to question my own sanity at the moment. I am kind of half laughing here but also there is a level of truth to it. My thoughts and emotions feel so jumbled as of late that i am not really able to see the wood for the tree's. Of course in writing this i am yet again largely referring to my work which consumes my thoughts much of the time. I need an exit strategy but as yet have not found one. Strangely I have had no urges to gamble perhaps because I have been so pre-occupied with thinking about work related stuff.

My life is not balanced at the moment but I am not gambling.. and gambling is certainly not an option. I am pulling away from counting days I agree with people when they say it sets one up to fail. I previously counted past the 1000 mark only to gamble and return to day 1.. the day that I started this journal. The thing is I didn't see it as failure but at the same time.. to focus on counting aint really living life i think. for anyone reading this my last bet of any kind was on Sunday 25th of May 08

(((SA)))

I can see that you are really struggling this past week or so. And who says men can't cry? I have seen from the beginning of your diary that you are really unhappy with your job. Is it something you can work toward leaving? If you ever need to talk, shoot me an e-mail. [email protected]

Hang in there my friend...

Love, Anna

SA, I agree with Anna. There is no reason men can't cry. Don't buy into that macho bs that you are not a man if you cry. It really is a release of all of those feelings that are just boiling up inside of you and making you feel like you are losing your sanity! I feel for you with your unhappiness in your work....I am in the same situation, but having a hard time finding a way out as I wouldn't be able to begin in something different without taking a large paycut, which I can't afford at the moment. Hang in there......life will get better. At least that's what I keep telling myself 🙂

Hugs Julie

Hi Anna and Julie... I appreciate your thoughts thank you 🙂

I feel as if i have dealt with my current issues with work positively today. I talked with relatively impartial people and the net result is I am to take annual leave..have a complete and proper break.. reflect on stuff. In the past I would have reacted on emotion and given a two fingered salute if that was how i felt..but not now.. a little older and am hoping a little wiser. I think something I realise now is that work has always taken far to big a chunk of my life.. have never really found that balance between work and not work.

Of course when I use to feel emotionally drained from work I would go off and gamble..not now though. I am stronger than my addiction and i continue to be. I am looking after myself. I am planning to go to a GA meeting next week for the first time in a long time..positve move I think.

Anyway no urges to gamble today. Another gamble free day passes.

Hi SA

You sound much better today! Pardon my American ignorance but what does annual leave mean?

I'm so proud of you for staying gamble free through all of this stress that you are going through! Keep taking it one day at a time and great things are going to happen for you

Hugs,

Julie

Hi julie.. thank you for your comments. Annual leave ='s paid time off from work.

Today has been a mixed day..not at work today and then after Friday am off for a full week :-).. however my mood dropped steadilly during the day..perhaps it was because i was in my own company and thats just the way it goes or perhaps also was that the few niggly thoughts and problems I had in my mind did not have an outlet or get sorted. Again in the past i would have used this as an excuse to go off and gamble..not now of course 🙂 Anyways done a bit of shopping and then down the gym..then cooked a nice dinner and then sent a few emails.. my mood has lifted quite a bit.

When i think about my moods I also remind myself about the huge amounts of coffee I drink (I have one to hand of course)..caffeine highs and lows..dehydration too. i notice that i am more likely to be on a downer mid-afternoon whether at work or not. i guess that fits with the cafeine cycle... need nice long siesta thats what i think 🙂

One last thought.. I have retreated to just my diary for the most part. There is a slight guilt about this because i feel that i should be posting on others diaries especially when they have made the effort to post on mine.. but must admit I feel a bit selfish at the moment.. or perhaps over pre-occupied with my own thoughts. Am sure this will change with time. For anyone reading this i wish you well in your recovery.. keep up the good work..whatever is working for you keep doing it...maintenance is the key. At the moment coming here once a day to say a little something is helping me.

I did not gambling today.. my last bet of any kind was on Sunday 25th May 08

(((SA))) never feel guilty about sticking to your own diary. It is a place for you to put your thoughts and feelings. And, sometimes recovery just HAS to be selfish. Sometimes it has to be all about you. Others post to you, myself included, because I feel like you need the support. I don't expect anything in return, and I don't think others do either. We're just here for you because we want to be. 🙂

I am genuinely hoping that you will find some peace and relaxation next week. You so deserve it.

Love, Anna

Hi Anna,

I trully hope that I find some peace and relaxation too cos at this moment in time am all annoyed and wound up..work and collegue are just getting to me sooooooooooo much. Arrrghhhhhh

But despite everything...no urges to gamble. another day passes gambling free.

Last bet of any kind Sunday 25th May 08

Another gambling free day passes. I feel very tired today and a little depressed but am ok.

Another day dawns gambling free.

I slept fairly well last night and now feel a little more alive and together than I have over previous days. I now have a period of time ahead of me free from the emotional demands of work and I intend to enjoy it.. and chillout.

I have no plans this weekend and thats good with me.. i shall do as the moment pleases. So far this morning I have done some cleaning and washing..these are things that dont happen when am all stressed out but I do much prefer it when my flat is cleanish and tidyish. I think the state of my flat more or less reflects the state of my mind. When i am on a really bad one (or hungover!) the curtains do not get drawn... the first thing i did this morning was draw the curtains... today is going to be a good day. As I say i shall live each moment as it comes. Regards to all who read this.