Hope

I believe that when we die our consciousness survives (our soul)and we return to the greater consciousness where we are all a part of everything, where we are all interconnected, where we are all one. In the greater consciousness not only do we know are own thoughts but we also know and experience the thoughts of everything and everyone around us, simultaneously. I believe that the only true emotion in the greater consciousness is love but its a love that none of us can really comprehend or experience here on earth. The greater consciousness would be our idea of heaven times infinity. But the trouble with heaven is that it is and always will be perfect and the only way for our soul to grow and reach a higher vibrational state is to feel what its like to experience pain and misery as well as happiness and joy and the difference between these states. Our soul learns and grows through our felt experiences. This is why we come to earth.

Thinking about what ive just said, I saw an advertisment for gambling and it said. "Live life, Play slots" Its sick really isn't it, but it did cross my mind. Was I born to play slots. Was I born to experience what its like to have an addiction. Was I born to experience the pain and pleasure of addiction as a path to spiritual growth. Interesting to think about. Answers on a postcard.

Thanks for listening

Wooow ??

Again, you're on a roll with your thoughts huh!! Going like tornado SA...made me think, if stopping bad habit has allowed space for conscious thoughts. Like being awoken in a sense..cause we all know that gambling numbs the mind and stops us to see things clearly.

So again my friend, massive well done! I don't think i ever seen you this aware and pretty focused!

I also believe our soul survives after death. Strangely had this chat only few days ago (we must be telepathic with you lol)...that's why i find it extremely uncomfortable seeing dead body...i kinda sense that soul may still be nearby just watching the body and saying goodbye. My question also was why body gets so cold. Too cold for temperatures..like outta freezer in such short space of time. I didn't get answers to this, maybe asking wrong ppl..

I do think we are brought here for a reason. It's like, i never thought of having kids (kinda live's moto to bring kids up huh..else you don't live it fully i hear..)..now, i probably have choice in this..but again, i don't know..maybe i cannot have kids even if i try? Maybe its all planned already by the universe? Maybe we are created individually to walk our paths of lives the way we are...some suffers and some enjoys the journey..i think we are who we are because we are meant to be from the very beginning. The scenario is already written and we have lil choice in that. Im not sure now ?

We have a choice but we don't..hmmm...interesting..SA, you got that train going for my brain lol

We must do that marathon this year!i remember i dragged Leedso from here (Ryan)to 10k run in Peaks..bless us...good fun nevertheless! I would love to meet up and go for it again! Let me know which challenge comes to mind and we can sort the rest out....if universe allows huh...we can plan this much but i believe if its meant to be, it will progress..if not, im sure signs will tell us..

Ha, i sound strange here again..its all that soul and magic talk you started ?

Have a good day SA and keep training thise brains to stay active and conscious ??

S&B xx

Hiya.... interesting follow up thoughts, gets me a thinking too. For what its worth I do think we have free will up to a point, but the main events or happenings/endings in our lives are pre-planned. I don't think I was ever destined to have children, even though I am good with people. There has never been a single moment where this has felt like it was an option or something that could have come about. I think I was born to be empathic though, to be a helper of others. Its just a part of the gifts given to me that will probably always be there.

Interesting what you say about the dead body going very cold, very quickly. Alas I have seen a few dead bodies in my time as well. Its almost as if folk get frozen in time. Anyway, moving on...

Ive figured out how to do hand washing. Ive got a big rubber basket, a hose attachment and plenty of water. My smalls now smell fresh as daisy's lol

As for running, well its odd with me at the moment. Am able to slow jog for 2 hours but am getting fat. Am a big fatso jogging along the street. Was this my destiny. Maybe I was supposed to be a sumo wrestler. Do I have free will to eat less!! lol

As for me n you go running and beer afterwards, obviously!... I will ask my higher power. Locally I want to do half marathon first week in July and marathon in first week of september... opportunities there perhaps. Am sure we will communicate in the fullness of time 🙂

Anyway, its a lovely day. Time to go for another wobbly run.

No issues with that gambling nonsense.

Morning world,

Have been struggling with poor mental health the last 48 hours or so, Triggered by work as is so often the case. Arrived at work relatively calm and chilled out (after my time off) and ended it all stressed out. Having spent the whole shift working with an agency staff and taking responsibility for everything, I then couldn't remember whether i'd done a residents medications. So there I was at midnight trying to contact the project to check, but night staff not picking up the phone... bla bla. Anyway eventually it turned out that i had but the damage was done then. Too stressed, no chance of sleep, spent the whole night watching back to back episodes of a crime drama on netflix.

Saturday comes and am just a zombie, going to bed, getting up, going to bed, getting up, going to be bed, getting. Have you spotted the theme. It gets to three o'clock in the afternoon and I really don't feel like being alive anymore but in reality of course am just stupidly tired and still churning over the stress of the shift before.

So anyway after another hour of lying on my bed looking at the ceiling I manage to get my running gear on then go into the bathroom and actually brush my teeth, something that i'd been wanting to do for several hours but wasn't actually able to do. I have by the way become quite obsessed with teeth brushing and mouth wash ever since my tooth disintegrated at the start of the first lock down. Must say that since then i have had no issues with my teeth (touch wood) cos i now have good oral hygiene except when am stupidly depressed and I can't get myself out of bed.

So anyway I go outside for my run, bright sunshine, all a bit overwhelming when youve been in twilight zone all day. The first half an hour was torture, the second half hour was waking up, the third half hour was enjoyable, the forth half hour was hard graft. back to flat, bath, bed.. and then back to the cycle of going to bed and getting up and eventually another marathon netflix session.

Of course me being me, I haven't spoken to another human being during this whole episode and nor have i wanted to. Its only now this morning after a reasonable nights sleep that am starting to feel human again and on a level, tinged with a bit of anxiety of my looming shift tomorrow.

Am stuck on an emotional rollercoaster and my work stress is my trigger. Ive been here before many times and it never ends well. 

Hey ho... at least no gambling.

Hey man, sorry to hear you had a bit of ruff time! Should of messaged me ?..but i understand what ya mean when you don't want human interaction, im the same.

I was out of place yesterday too, just something unsettling..maybe full moon?..i woke up at 6am this morning (i know right!!!) had a drink (juice) and went right back up..managed to sleep till 10 lol..my life's goals ?

Well done on teeth hygiene! That's important when ya snog that beauty beauty! Depression does that to us tho. I spent few nights sleeping in dressing gown before...not exactly pure and fresh thing to do huh but here we go, when the claws of dark place gets ya, its difficult to bounce bk!

Back to teeth lol..since i stopped smoking and began vaping, i noticed positive change also. o*g i cannot take tobacco smell now..i look bk in horror how much i must of smelled ...i rememberpuffing away that cig on a rush before jumping in a car with colleague if had to head out...i can imagine how much that smelled! So anyway...teeth (same as body) hygiene is good, continue to do your best ?

That movie was interesting and now ya made me smile saying ya watched crime stuff back and forwards..i did that last night about unsolved murders and stuff...for some strange reason im still interested in solving crimes ...i know..cray cray huh!!

Well, hope today is better for you! Don't let the job drag ya down..i know its easier said than done! I cannot get away from work worries as ya see and those emails can be stressful but has to be responded to.

Stay safe and keep warm..its chilly out there!

S&B xx

Hi SA,

Thanks for your post on my diary.

Your last two days have been utter rubbish and that’s terrible. I feel for you. Your job is difficult and stressful and it doesn’t seem fair. You do a great service to people who need help. You are appreciated.

Still, two days on and here you are. Your bank balance isn’t a car crash - you didn’t gamble and yet still you survived. You went an almighty two hour run while exhausted and still here you are. You are doing amazing my friend. Its easier to spot in rubbish times. Its easy to cope when everything is fine but when thise bad days come, which they do, and you cope - that is fine progress. So, dont be down be proud.

RR

Thanks RR.

Another rediculous shift. It really has gone to s**t at my work. I arrived for the afternoon shift to find that am working with 2 agency staff and a new member of staff. The result is that I had many demands put upon me. It was massively anxiety provoking. I coped to a fashion but eventually when it was all over and I got home, I realised that I had this time genuinely forgot someone's meds. But I say this... b******s! I did the best I could. Nobody should be put under the level of pressure that I was put under. If I get a bollocking tomorrow I might just lose my s**t with them, but I probably won't. I need a f*****g job don't I.

Anyway am not gambling and have no intention of gambling.

Thanks for listening

Recovery is tough, you have to go the extra mile

But the more time without gambling, the more you smile

Am much calmer now.

I aired my thoughts and worked through my stress and came out the otherside.

Feeling better.

Well done!

I wish I was as good as working through it and letting it go. It builds up in me and makes me snappy and defensive at work. I admire your resilience.

Yes thank you. I feel like ive actually made some progress with how I dealt with my feelings and general psychological state. I did talk, I did get it all out my system and felt better for doing it. I warmed to one of my colleagues as well. Because the day after my nightmare shift, she had organised the job cards so that I could have a more relaxed time of things on my next shift. She didn't have to do that but she did and i thanked her. I guess am learning to accept support from others rather than assume that they are just out to take advantage of my nature. Its not something that comes naturally mind.

Another long run today. It was a bit cold if am honest but not windy so that kind of helped. I pushed myself a bit. Slowly building up a bit more endurance. I do need to do a sub 4 hour marathon before I get too old and decrepid. Its important ya know 🙂

No gambling issues.

Thanks for listening

Blimey, another real back breaker of a shift. Working with a new staff, whose so totally not suited to this particular care role. Without meaning to be judgemental (but I suppose I am being),... but she's a very large lady, who simply isn't fit enough or flexible enough to do the job. What were those that recruited her thinking of?? I mean its a big project, we do lots of walking, and in the calls you have to work quite quickly in small spaces to get things done. I found myself virtually doing everything and now my back aches.

Moan over.

Day off tomorrow. Bookies are open BUT ive planned my day and keeping myself busy. No gambling for me.

Thanks for listening

I don't think you're being judgemental. I understand. I once worked in a department store, where the security guard had some form of mobility issue where he could only limp slowly, at best. Not ideal for chasing shoplifters!

I wonder if the harsh benefits environment has meant that everyone has to apply for every job they can, to avoid a sanction and therefore where common sense was once available as an option, it no longer is, in these sorts of situations. I can also imagine a scenario where whoever interviewed her, was afraid of being done for discrimination. I guess maybe they had to give her a chance, knowing that there is a probationary period where they can assess her fitness for the role. I know some morbidly obese people, who do actually manage physical jobs. Frustrating and stressful for you, in the meantime, though. 

Well done for having a plan for today. Hope it hasn't been too difficult for you.

I've just been in a real life example of the sort of lack of common sense you describe!

I recognise myself as possibly being on the higher end of functioning on the ASD, so it's with no disrespect that I say this - but a non-neurotypical man, was on a recovery support group call, just now, talking about a special kind of betting which isn't actually betting but is guaranteed to win, if you apply the formula properly. I have no words! I don't think he was aware of the inappropriateness of the things he was saying but why on earth the group organiser allowed him to join, when he's still clearly in action and has some strange belief that he's not gambling, is beyond me. I understand that they have to be inclusive. A non-neurotypical person who wasn't gambling, I would understand and have no problem with. Someone describing a special method where you "can't lose" was bizarre. In a gambling recovery group. Jeez.

Hi SA,

I hope you are well.

As always, I sympathise with your work situation. Its brutally unfair. I know your personality and that you’re a person of the best character but its simply not right that your employer teams you with someone so unfit for the job at hand. Stories like this frustrate me. No way that person was the best person for the job.

Anyway, your doing a grand job by not gambling. I hope that you’re focused and ready to give this quit everything that you have. Protect it, own it and make this one count.

RR

Thanks for your thoughts all.

Must admit that I am struggling a bit knowing that the bookmakers are open, so am trying not to have too much money on me, leave card at home and all that.

Struggling a bit with mental health as well, low mood, over eating, times when I struggle to motivate myself to do anything. Having said that I did have a long run yesterday, me and my belly.

Have had a couple of positive shifts at work to outweigh the negative ones... on it goes.

That's all really nothing much else to say just now.

Its good that the sun has come out to play.