Hope

I just want to reflect that it shows a good self-awareness to know you are struggling. I think there might have been a time when you would have been reluctant to acknowledge this/admit it to yourself. I have seen how this pandemic has helped a lot of people to realise, that depression or anxiety can happen to anyone. All it takes is to be in a very stressful job, or to be under emotional duress. People have realised what financial strain does to a person, through the furlough payments and reduced income. 

Good on ya for plodding on, the best you can. Doing sensible things to help yourself, whenever you're able, like getting a bit of cARDio done and acknowledging those good shifts when they happen.

wow thats bizzare didnt think they would allow some one to talk about gambling like that in tht enviroment 

Hey SA,

Just checking  in how is life in your world? I know bookies opening up can be a trigger but you know what it brings...misery,  stress and depression.  Be kind to you,do something  nice for yourself,  don't hurt yourself  by actions you know you will regret on later date....

I'm here with you!!! We are walking step by step to brightens future..

Stay safe ?

yes your right and I am on the verge of a brighter future.. but my capacity for self-sabotage never ceases to amaze me.

I did indeed have a blow out soon after the bookies opened again. In retrospect it was all quite pre-dictable given my stress levels and struggling mental health. It was also a weird blowout given the heavy restrictions that bookies now have to operate under. I had to visit a number of bookies over a large area with bus travel in between in order to satisfy my "need" to gamble and it was a "need" like someone "needs" a cigarette or "needs" to eat all the pork pies..... an addictive need.

Its over now. I now have no desire to gamble, but I suppose like every addict  the need will build once again, unless I stop it and talk to someone before "thinking about gambling" becomes "actually gambling"....

Anyway its all a bit by the by now, cos I have other things on my mind. Major f**k up at work with controlled drugs. Not directly my fault but I was a part of it. I didn't double check the relatively new staffs actions and I signed the drug book when she'd made an error. Probable written warning coming my way. Not what I need really.

Anyway that's me for now. Am gonna take a back seat for a bit. Get my head straight.

Thanks for listening.

Hi SA, 

My heart sank reading  the update last night.  Addictions and temptations are always  gonna be here. You're  similar  to me when subconsciously sow that "seed" - thought I your head and follow it through. It's  such a bummer I haven't  worked out yet myself. Ultimately  everything  comes back to the thought  which develops into action huh.

Not even sure what to suggest ?...a hug, as always is here but its not gonna save you from future  choices. Can you try once again the blocks? Self exclusions? I know its not very straightforward  with land based establishments but you HAVE to keep trying..over and over again..

Set a road map for your run!!! What about that.. do something  helpful  for yourself  by getting  exercise  in and popping  into those shops to self exclude  at the same time. With your long runs you can cover many miles of shops! Maybe reward will feel different too as you will literally  put sweat into it? 

I'm not a GA orientated  person but it seems to help so much to people.  Would you consider  it again? You can rant and talk your worries away there instead of self destructing  in front of machine....

Work sounds extremely stressful  and all I can advice, please be true to yourself  and others. Own the mistake (signing  the paper) but also don't  forget to mention  circumstances surrounding  that day and time leading to it...new employee, tiredness, exhaustion and ne er endless responsibility  you already carry by dragging the new team on your shoulders..sooner or later mistake will occur. I think at this stage you can ask to lighten the load, for management  to come with some sort of solution  to support  you better. You're  caring person and don't  mean harm to anyone, im sure they know but you're  person also who has emotional  and physical  limits..we are not robots!

Keep posting  SA, do not let this take away all your hard work. It's a blip I the road and not the end of the journey. 

Stay safe and well....as much as you are able ?

S&B xx

I echo what S said - you're clearing bright, conscientious and do your job very well but only a robot could be flawless and without any mistakes when the pressure is on.

I reckon it's really well known by most people, the pressure care workers are constantly under. I don't think it would impact any reasonable employer wanting to take you on. I mean, you have worked in the field for many years, so just by the law of averages, a mistake is bound to happen at some point. Would you ever be interested in working as a manager? Just occurs to me that they seem to take less of the brunt of the stress and I can imagine you doing a good job of minimising the stress for your employees, with your compassion and experience. 

Hey, the lapse is what it is. It's almost like leaving a door ajar for a burglar. Shops haven't been an option for ages then suddenly it's back on the table. Sorry for the associated stress and fallout. A ranting outlet sounds like a really good idea. I have called the Samaritans before, just because my need to offload was so great. It does help, getting the thoughts outside of your head.

Well thank you for your supportive comments folks.. means a lot as always. 🙂

Am having a good day today, so I thought it was time to post. I had a fantastic run this morning, it was cool but bright, excellent running conditions. I dunno how many miles I did along the canals, but it was quite a few.. slow and steady. Lots of other runners out, most of whom (but not all) were running quicker than I was, but that's fine... am looking to do a marathon, not a sprint. I enjoy saying hi to all and sundry when am out jogging and making amusing comments too when they cross my mind. I went past a canal side pub at one point and the outside seating was full of folk having breakfast. It reminds me that I still haven't been in a pub/ pub garden since 2019!!.... The day will come 🙂

As for your comments folks... well the controlled meds c**k up, got well and truly swept under the carpet. I was taken off meds for precisely one day. It was acknowledged that my only fault was not checking my colleague. Bizarrely the meds policy is about to change, so that you no longer need two of you to do controlled drugs... that maybe a recipe for more c**k ups... but hopefully not from me.

I hear what you say Freda about getting away from the coal face of care. Its like although am arguably good at what I do, it does me no favours in terms of my stress, my anxiety and my general depressive tendencies. All this giving to others, whilst rewarding at times also seems pretty relentless and soul destroying. In principal going into management seems like the answer, but in reality it doesn't, at least not where I work. Managing all the demands of all the service users and all the demands of the staff and rota's would all but push me over the edge, especially given that I have little to no support in my real world, real people existence. 

Anyway, back to today. Its a good day. Am now cooking some rhubarb that i acquired. I shall of course put stupid amounts of sugar on it. Yum. Got some music in the back ground. Feeling chilled out. Gambling feels like a thousands miles away.

Thanks for listening.

Hey SA,

Thanks for your post on my thread! So good to read you're  in a better headspace and looking after yourself! It's good to head out for a run and allow yourself  that fresh air to the body and mind. Its truly helpful!

Also glad to read that work incident has ended without  further  damage to you or the patient. I guess everyone  involved will be more vigilant  going  forward. 

Your paragraph  regarding  the management  role gripped my heart.  I completely understand  where you're  coming  from. I am toying  with the idea of complete  change of occupation.  Simply because of stress, danger and so unsocial  hours. In the last month I've seen different  side of the world..less stress and more colour to life. I didn't  think there are nice ppl left out there but boy how wrong I was. Its beautiful  life out there. ...so I'm thinking...very much if I should  just go for it, leave all this behind  and find  something  behind "the canvas". Figured that health has no price tag...and even if I work for minimum I could get the quality of life back..its not too late yet. 

I went off on one here...sorry, its your diary..I guess what gripped my heart was the fact that you too come back home to noone to share your day with. It's very difficult,  esp when you deal with so much emotion/stress at work. Its needed to have that someone  to come back to and change the scenery  with. I may be wrong but I think you're  scared of change too...what if? What awaits?.....but nothing changes if nothing  changes huh...we both know that.

Continue  to treat yourself  with love and care...

Vest wishes, much love

S&B xx

Ah, fair enough, SA. I hear you. It defo depends on the organisation. Some orgs the managers have a lot less pressure, just depends on the company. I do sometimes wonder if the managers who don't seem under pressure, are actually getting their staff to do all the work for them, in a naughty old way.

Don't ya just hate money. Because my company has been taken over and ive been required to return to monthly pay iv'e ended up having to wait 40 days between pay days. Don't ask me why but that's what has been required and now iv'e got my payslip... its wrong... under paid of course!

In retrospect its probably a big contributory reason for my slip. Whilst I had planned ahead and paid what I needed to pay before the pay day drought started, I still think in the back of my mind it did trigger me. Its all an excuse of course, but I need to be mindful that money problems can be a big trigger for me.

The pay issues  will get sorted am sure... but its stressing me out at the moment.

Thanks for listening and thanks for your thoughts above SB and Freda. I think about what you say

x

...... and here is another thing. Iv'e found out on the grape vine (by accident) that for those people that worked the recent bank holiday, you don't get double time, but you do get an extra day off. But the thing is its not automatically applied, you have to hassle your manager and if you don't know that your entitled to this... you won't get it. Its rubbish isn't it.... does anybody else have a rubbish employer?

Good Morning SA,

Sorry Ive not popped in recently. I hope all is ok with you.

I read about your earlier slip and work frustrations. I sympathise on both fronts. Both of these are old battles which I hope you overcome.

Take care. Have a nice day.

RR

Thanks for dropping in RR. I think you make a good point.. "old battles"... in fact the "same battles", repeated over and over again with the same pre-dictable outcomes., That's why I go quiet sometimes, cos i have nothing new to say and I want to say something new to say and yet I do very little to make something new happen, if you get my drift.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, applies very well to me.

Anyway, am not gambling, work fluctuates between good shift, bad shift, my flat is a tip, am tired a lot, am running lots or not at all and mental health fluctuates between steady as it goes and anxious depression and occasionally high as a kite.

All for now... thanks for listening

Hi you,

Old problems  stays old and repeated until we learn how to deal with them in 'healthy' manner...and we both know what we need to do to learn that new behaviour  and actions.

You sound down in this post and I guess I can simply relate...sigh....but please  keep notching day by day...keep making  that right choice.

I do hope and pray more answers  comes along accordingly. 

Stay safe ok....be kind to you!

S&B xx

Well after not gambling for a bit and disappearing off the scene, I started having the odd slip. Then one day I won quite a lot in the bookies (relative to my income) and well the rest is history. I started spending more and more time gambling and yes of course all money gone and debts have grown.

Besides the money I have of course become sick in mind body and soul, reduced to spending hours doing 20p spins in a vain hope of winning some of my money back, which of course makes no sense unless of course your an addict. Today I reached rock bottom once more.

I came home phoned the national self-exclusion people and excluded from all bookmakers within a 5 mile radius of my home.

So there it is, am still f****d up even after all these years.

Starting over for the millionth time... sigh