Hope

Hi SA,

Just wanted to say it's good to read that you are safe and working at your recovery best you can. I can relate. For me, focusing on progress rather than absolute perfection works better, also. Hope this isn't misinterpreting the gist of your update, if so, I apologise.

I feel like I detect a bit more self-acceptance and comfort with doing one's best, though. Nice one.

f x

Good to hear from you Freda and thanks 🙂

Am not in a good place today. A friend or should I say accquaintence of mine has f****d off with my money. After months of him sending me information of his great investments with fantastic returns, I sent him some money to invest for me. Of course the inevitable has happened, he's just taken my money and f****d off. Ive known him for years, but I guess you never really know someone. Is money the root of all evil?

No gambling

Thanks for listrening

Oh, no! that's really upsetting!

I hope it at least wasn't everything you have.

I know you sometimes flirt with metaphysical thinking, SA. It may not be of a lot of comfort - some people believe that if we are not letting our negative emotion out, we may have the universe kind of send things to try and force it out of us. I used to really struggle accepting my anger. It would seem like annoying/wind up/mean  people just flocked to me. It has started happening again. I realise I need to find an outlet for my anger again. You use so much self-control and patience. You manage not to react, in the face of so much frustration and disrespect from people around you. I reckon this is a totally valid time to just be angry as all h*ll. 

It's awful that someone has chosen to disrespect you this way - can you use it at least as an opportunity to vent anything pent up and bubbling inside? I guess it would previously come out via a gambling binge. Can you find another way of channeling it this time? Going into the woods and just screaming at the sky? I believe there are even "rage rooms" you can hire these days. Sorry if this is not helpful or welcome. Written with good heartedness.

Gan radge (in a way that doesn't hurt you)

f x

Yes Freda I hear what you say. Anger is a strange one and like most of my emotions I haven't got a f*****g clue how to deal with them. Isolation and festering and ruminating and pacing about and sending angry text messages that i've got no idea whether he's actually reading or not.

I've tried my best just to rise above it and accept things as they are and even forgive and forget.... "o well never mind its only money... he must be in a bad place" type thinking...... but no am angry as f**k! I just want to shove the f****r up against the wall and..... and... and...

Having said that, in reality, even if I did come across him I wouldn't do anything violent, cos that's just not my character and mentality. Am not a street fighter, or a gangster, or an enforcer or a wide boy or a street wise, head strong mans man. Am just average f*****g Joe, trying to get buy and be decent to folk.

Iv'e lost my faith in humanity. People who take advantage of my good nature should be shoved on an Island and pushed off into the north atlantic where they can all be C***s together.

There we go.... my cathartic rage continues...

ive been paid. what an awful experience that was. Angry and paranoid is a dreadful headspace to be in.

get myself back to normal soon

The person returned your money? that's great. Brought up a lot of emotion, though. Let it out, mate.

Yes Freda, the person returned my money. Turns out they had lost their phone and the first they new of me trying to contact them was when I used facebook. It also turns out that they had tried to invest my money but it had been refused and then took 5 working days to return. As soon as it got returned the person then returned it straight to me.

So I ended up apologising and hoping that they never find their phone, cos it's got lots of unpleasant messages on it.

A very unpleasant experience for me. Its really rare for me to go off the boil and it upsets me on those very rare occasions when it happens. Deep seated trust issues I suppose.

Anyway life goes on.

Thanks for listening

@s-687 Hi, I hope you don’t mind me asking but I’ve just read your previous messages about your money being taken and then returned through some investment scheme and it just being a misunderstanding.

Firstly, doesn’t the story that was told to you just sound like a made up story while someone else used your money for their own purpose’s because that’s exactly the type of story I’d make up if I needed a cash injection to carry on gambling, but more importantly, can you see the risk of whatever investment it is and that itself is a gamble even if you aren’t actually pressing a button? What would you have done if the investment was real and had gone down? Chased your losses?

Chris.

Good points Chris. I think I was just relieved to get my money back, so I was willing to believe what I was told, despite my gut instinct telling me that it was dodgy.

I new it was odd when he wanted me to put the money direct in to his bank account, rather than him coming around to help me set up the account online or just telling me how to do it. I then became suspicious when once the money was transferred I heard nothing from him. Nothing about what he had done, no update, no nothing until I prompted him.

It might well be that everything he said was true, but like you say I won't do that again in a hurry... and yes its just like gambling really.

Anyway thanks for dropping in with your thoughts.

Hi world

Just checking in. Having a good day today. Not working, spent much of the morning having a good old clean up and rubbish removal. Flat looking a lot better. Feel like i've accomplished something.

Waiting for the council to come and fix my hot water (it's not hot)... hot bath later.

I feel like i've started to get back to a more healthy way of living and being. Over three months without sugar in hot drinks or sprinkled over anything and am starting to lose weight... slowly but surely. I love sugar but it's soo bad for you in excess. I've recently switched to skimmed milk as well, which I think will help given how much milk I drink. Little habit changes can lead to great results me thinks.

When I feel well am much less likely to gamble. When am tired from over work and eating s**t am much more likely to gamble.

Thanks for listening.

Great to read you're making progress on multiple fronts. They defo complement each other to give you the best chance of staying well.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't have characterised that as trust issues, as much as boundary issues. A possible vulnerability others could look to exploit. Very few people I know, would trust anyone other than family with a large sum of their cash. In some ways, I could see it as TOO trusting. Just another perspective that you are welcome to stick your fingers up at and chuck in the trash, lol.

I see sustained positive change in general, though. Absolutely lovely to see.

@s-687

Gambling sucks!

I feel gutted today after a big binge and have a raging headache..am all out of words.. just want to get back on track. Life feels better without gambling... and at this moment in time I feel pretty cr**P.

Dear gambling Addiction,

Well to be honest i don't think you deserve to be called Dear cos your anything but. Your a scheming manipulative b**d... nothing more!

You promised me a little fun a little light relief from the pressures of life and o yes lots of extra money. All that money you faithfully prmised. But o know all you really brought me was financial drain and personal misery over and over and over again to the point that i just wanted to die. You conniving b**d!

And not only did you not live up too your promises you had the *** gaul to watch me pick up the pieces and start to put my life back together only then to come back with yet more promises to be different this time different from the /////// from the past. But o no it was just more of the same wasn't it. You b**d! You smug b*****d!!

Goodbye and good riddance I don't want nothing to do with you anymore. I am a happier human being without the likes of you. Your no friend of mine. Your my history and not my future. The end.

For anyone stumbling across my diary, My vice is Slots Slot machines have been my curse for many years. Some of the consequnces have been as follows...

1. Debt leading to Bankruptcy

2. Emotional break down and suicidal thoughts on many occasions

3. Periods when ive been unable to work due to 2. and 1.

4. Missed oppurtunities due to 3. 2. and 1.

Gambling only leads to misery and despair. Stay well clear!

Labbi Sifre... I got the... this is exactly how i felt like from my recent relapse i have not chance to read your diary, have u remained g/f since then or have u had relapses after this is the first time i have felt exactly like this i feel like gambling has broken my heart all those false promises and im left to pick up the pieaces

How you doing s a?

I really hope you are safe, SA