06-11-15 I have had what will be my last loss and joined gamcare.
09-11-15 Day 3 and I am feeling positive. I know I have a long way to go but you have to start somewhere.
I first started gambling before I was of even legal age. 15 I was infact, joining my then stepmum (my dad and her werent married but thats what I seen her as) to the bingo. I loved it and loved that she took me along with her everytime I went to visit her and my dad. This wasnt often, a fraction of the school holidays somewhat. They lived a couple hours drive from me and dad worked all the time. I suppose I used to act older than I was so maybe I was treated older than I was? I remeber one evening at the bingo we won £500 which was split and the great buzz I got. I remember buying my first camera phone with some of the winnings.
Fast forward 3 years and I was then of legal age and introduced my self to the world of online bingo. I was relatively sensible I guess looking back, I would bet maybe £10-£20 when I logged on to play and could leave it at that if I never won, or withdrew my winnings if I did win. As time went on my playing became more frequent, my bets a little higher and when I was winning I was then giving it back. The final straw came when I won over £350 and lost it all and spent another £100 or so trying to win it back, all on bingo and side slots! I decided to stop, and I did with no problems at all.
My life no longer involved gambling and then not so long after came a shock. I found out I was pregnant. This scared me at first but a month after my 19th birthday I gave birth to my special first born baby boy, (I say first as I am curently expecting my third baby boy).
Fast forward another year and life is 'ok'. I brought my baby boy up the first 6 months of his life on my own, even to this day I can say I have never been such a strong independant person as to what I was back then. Sadly I had taken my boys daddy back after he had walked out on us but came back all tears and regrets, and we just had an awful on/off relationship. He stole my confidence, my self esteem and a big part of who I was, he was never violent towards me, just constant lies and cheating making me feel worthless and no good for anybody. Time and time again I too him back. When I look back now I know I was weak and too scared of change and because how he made me feel with things he did I would often think 'who would want me?'.
I realise I have gone way off track re gambling but this feels good writing down parts of my life I never talk about and to be honest maybe looking in to how it all began and how I ended up where I am.
Aged 20... my friend shows me an envelope, in it is £1500. she had won it on an online slot and was over the moon because it was right before she was due to jet off abroad, I too was over the moon for her. That same night I at home. after getting my boy in bed I pored myself a glass of wine and loaded the laptop. I deposited £20 on one site and won nothing. bingo that is. So I thought I will try one more bingo site with £10 and that will be my lot. Lucky for me I won £650! My heart was racing and I had totally forgot that buzz you feel when you win. I say lucky for my, that is what I thought back then, its took untill now to realise that it wasnt lucky and that win would become my addiction, that win would change me for the worst, get into serious debt,tell lies to those I love most, put me into depression, not pay my children enough attention, cut myself off from the world at times, the list just goes on!
I am now 10 weeks or so from my 27th birthday and have been living in hell for too long with gambling. The things I have done are sickening and breaks my heart when I think about them.I have never wanted to change so bad as to what I do now. Im so thankfull to have found gamcare and taken the first step to recovery by opening up. It feels good to open my life up which is something I have never done.
Thats all for tonight, I will get back from this dark place, we all need to believe! x
Natalie .. Opening up about anything is a good thing doing so can only help .. I think in many ways we are a lot alike . I too gave up gambling after my mum had to bail me out one Christmas as I had no money to buy the kids what they wanted . I gave up after that with no problems what so ever . Like you I was in a bad relationship.
Me and my partner split up just after having my son , it left me feeling depressed after being left to bring up my son alone I felt a lot like you , unconfident , alone , worthless , ect
it's clear that gambling was an escape for from my life .
At first I only gambled on and off and spent what I could afford but it didn't take long before I was spending everyday gambling and spending anything I could get my hands on .
Now rather than being an escape it is something I cannot escape from caught up in what has simply become habit .
I realise I have missed out wasting time and money on a bad habit , I now know in my case its my life that needs to change . And I'm doing it one day at a time . Reading posts helps . Yesterday day after being 13 days gamble free I gave in and logged on to a casino I gambled £180.00 in an hour , I was kidding myself thinking I could control myself , but I can't .
Im starting again and unsure as I am I know things at this moment in time could not get any worse .
I have booked an appointment with the doctor as I am feeling sad all the time , and think depression is one of the key factors as to why I gamble .
Little things seem to help , I baked with the kids today and decorated them , I find if I plan things to do then I'm less likely to do anything on the spur of the moment ie.. Gamble
keep your chin up Natalie
And stay strong , I'm gutted about starting from day 1 again it's a horrid feeling that you really don't want to experience , try and stay strong. Lesley x
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