So it was a few years ago when I posted here and I mentioned how the gambling, drinking, smoking cigarettes is all linked to 1 horrible illness I suffer with... Social anxiety.
I'm friendless and when I leave the house, I am extremely nervous. This includes softening of my voice, being physically nervous and shaking. Unfortunately in society, health problems like that are never fully understood and frequently I end up being bullied, made fun or or even treated like i'm stupid. 1 of the most hurtful things though is when some people make the assumption that because i'm on edge/nervous/shaking that I have taken drugs. Even once in a job interview, they stopped the interview and asked me if I had taken anything. Their words were, that I won't be in trouble if I have and they just want to know for my own safety. I have never taken drugs in my life though so it is hurtful. In order to avoid that happening, I end up drinking alcohol when I go to town to get rid of my nervousness.
When it comes to GP's, I havent had the best experience with them at all. They have never understood and as a result I have never been given the treatment I have needed.
Anyway, on to Saturday nights antics.
I visted family and came home Saturday evening. When I got into town to get my train, I went to the pub to have 2 beers to stop my nervousness and shaking. When I was there, someone started making a conversation with me. As I felt "tipsy" I was able to join in with the conversation quite well. Feeling good about socialising as I never normally get to due to having no friends, I stayed at the pub longer than intended and by time I left, I would say I was quite drunk.
I got home and had my reward for trying to socialise... Which was that as I got in through the front door, my new phone fell out of my pocket, hit the floor hard and broke beyond repair (Cracked screen, cracked the sides, screen wouldnt power on).
In my drunken state I started wrongly blaming my girlfriend for doing it. That because she text me, I got the phone out to reply and then dropped it. She was upset by that and was saying about selling some of her things to raise the money to buy me a new phone.
Now, as I felt bad at that point and didn't want my girlfriend to sell stuff? You know what came into my head?? Yeah.... Gambling.
I have put so many barriers up but still there was a way round it.... Paypal.
I found a casino that accepts paypal and started what is the worst gambling loss ever for me.
I completely emptied my own bank account of all money and maxed my overdraft... £550 loss.
Then, by that time it was 10am yesterday morning. I contacted my mum and said I needed her to send me £3000 as I have found some new carpets I want as well as some other bits for this home as I haven't long moved in. The only truth I told her was that I have that money in my savings account but it takes days to clear. So I said I would buy the stuff, transfer savings over and pay her that £3000 back once it clears.
She said ok and sent me various amounts via paypal to the sum of £3000.... You know what happened to that? It cost a loss of £2700 of that money before I saw sense and self excluded. A total loss of £3250.... The most I have ever lost gambling in 1 go.
How do I feel? Ummmm. Numb. I checked my savings account and I dont quite have enough to pay my mum back. I will probably be a few £100 short so that will be paid back to her over time.
What makes me the lowest though was that all I wanted to do was socialise and be the person I know I should be. 99% of my life is stuck inside or being made fun of by people. Then this is how things have ended up....
Hi Pete29
Sorry to hear of your loss. It is heartbreaking when you lose so much. My last binge I lost £850 and i felt terrible.
But - you are at the right place for help and support.
Have you tryed chatting to gamcare representative. You need to put barriers up and accept you have a gambling problem.
Good luck in your recovery.
Toad.
Thanks, Yeah its so horrible with a loss. A very deep feeling of hurt.
I haven't tried that yet but I definitely feel, the Social anxiety needs to be dealt with before any progress with gambling can truly be made.
The main problem is that the Social anxiety restricts me so much in life. I would love to do things like play 5 a side football and other sports, go for days out, visit restaurants and cinemas. Yet either I cant do that due to having no friends to do it with (5 a side football) or, I cannot enjoy the activity because I am extremely nervous.
This means I sit on my money for too long, then when I have a rock bottom low day because of what I am missing out on in life due to SA, I turn to gambling as a replacement for what I am missing out on. I always forget the low times and losses with gambling and only think of good fun and excitement in that moment.
I have put so many barriers in place. I only have a cash only card and I barely carry any cash on me. I do of course have the paypal account which is hard for me to just close because I do make some online purchases. Having no friends means I cant transfer money to them and let them buy it me on their paypal account. My mother could do it but she has a terminal illness and gets confused easily.
Everything links back to social anxiety. On Saturday, if I didn't drink as much, I wouldnt have dropped and broken my phone, which means I wouldnt have turned to gambling. The only reason I drunk so much was because I wanted to step away from the normal nervous wreck that I am, so I could be my true self.
It's the same with other slips I have had. It could be something trivial, such as being reminded about what I am missing out on in life. Which then sinks me into a low, and allows the thoughts of gambling to enter my head.
The day has completely dragged today. The worst feeling deep down is knowing I owe my mum £2700 now. I barely get any money these days as I am unfit to work, so paying her back will wipe out my entire savings and mean that I am still overdrawn.
I just want this to be at an end... A point where my mum is fine with me, where the money is forgotten about and i'm on a new path with progress.
Hi pete,
I don't know what steps you've taken to help with your social anxiety, but I remember reading a fellas diary on here who also discovered that SA was a big part of his gambling. Maybe if you look up his dairy you might find some of the techniques that he tried useful? His user name is cardhue and his diary is called killing the zombie....he's back on about page 7
LifeBegins x
Pete, your not alone on this journey
I know you want an end to this but the path to change is often more rocky than the path that got us here. Stick with it and don't give in.
Tri x
Another day, another post. I think I forgot how this feels... Initial feelings were more of shock than anything else. Now it's the reality which kicks in. I feel annoyed that had I not tried to socialise and been drunk, I wouldnt have dropped and broken my phone, so then I wouldn't have come out with such an extreme idea to gamble.
It's not even directly about the loss. It's more that I now cant afford to buy my girlfriend much for her birthday and xmas. Plus the fact I lied and guilt tripped my mum into lending me that money. I know I will be feeling much better and ready for the fresh start once I have paid her back and can get back on the right track.
This feeling now though is so horrible. It's like a combined huge hazy hangover with wanting things to be ok, but knowing they wont be until next Monday when I have paid my mum back. It's times like this where I would just hit the bottle, but I know what it's caused and I dont want to touch a drop
Day 3/4 since that horrible, huge loss.
Just like yesterday, i'm remembering how bad the damage can be after the gamble which we dont think about at the time. So I owe my mum £2700 and as theres no Santander branch in the town I live, i'm having to go out each day to withdraw £300 from the cash point until I have taken out £2700.
It's a steep amount of cash especially considering I only actually get paid just over £5000 per year. So that money is 7 months worth of earnings for me.
So now its been a week since the significant decline of my funds in a huge gambling slip.
After about day 3 since that slip, I had accepted fully that that money is gone for good and had moved on from the actual loss. Now its just crazy looking back on the events of last weekend (not dwelling).
Money is nothing in life, it's all about the health and family life. For the time being gambling took that away from me, made my health worse and I ended up lying to family to get money off them to gamble with. I c an move on but not forget what it has done.
I'm seeing my mum tomorrow so I can pay her back that £2700 and at least things will be right with family
I agree completely. Life is so much more important as we only get 1 of them. I'm sure there are plenty like me that have sat on their money, tried to save and then had a slip and blown the lot. Money is to be spent or enjoyed, nothing else because we don't know what is around the corner.
Sod's law today though. Went to the cash point to get another £300 out of what I owe my mum. It seems £20 was misplaced or I was given £20 less on 1 cash machine withdrawals. Typical really considering all thats happened.
Clearly theres no way to get that £20 back and the positive step is that a while back I would see that £20 as a loss and probably end up gambling to win it back. The way I see it now is that the only reason I am having to get money out at a cashpoint is to pay money back to family I lied to. So if I hadn't lied to them, I wouldn't have misplaced £20.
Taken it on the chin and tomorrow will be the day I can finally go back to the family home with the cash I owe my mum.
Really blown it again on Friday massively beyond relief.
Before I type this, it has to be known that I am not a fraudster, thief or criminal.
So, the really bad bit is I have permitted access to my mothers paypal account. This has always been a huge problem for me because we all know how desparate we can get after a loss. The reason I have access to it is because like I mentioned, my mother has an illness and she wants the paypal account to buy things off ebay, but struggles with technology and remembering passwords.
She allows me to use her paypal account, especially recently as I moved into a new property. As I have a cash only card, I did the thing where I took out the cash to give her, then she would buy me the item I wanted on her paypal account. Sometimes I had more cash than I needed here so I would give her cash and transfer money from her paypal account to mine.
So Friday, because of the Social Anxiety had a really low day. Some random guy at a pub called me a stuttering idiot while laughing at my stuttering.
I got in and later that evening I had a text off a casino I thought I had self excluded from. I remembered they took paypal for payments and mostly because of the low mood I was sucked in. I spent all of the money in my bank and desparately trying to win it back I used my mums paypal account to transfer money to myself. It ended in me losing just over £5000 of her cash.
Now I know for a fact that if I had gone home, explained to my mum, she would be fine about me using her paypal account, upset that I gambled again but would allow me to repay it to her.
I went 1 extreme step too far though in my distraught state. I had an idea that if I reported myself to the police for taking money without asking, I would be in trouble but get community service, which to me is an opportunity to meet new people and help with my social anxiety which makes my life hell.
From what it seems though, the plan has completely backfired. My mother signed a statement saying she didn't know I had taken that money out of her account and the police have called me in for an interview on Monday. I'm certain I will be arrested and have the book thrown at me.
The actual truth is like I said, had I not got the police involved, I would have gone back to the family home, confessed and paid it back.
Really am in trouble though
Hello,
Go to a GA meeting ASAP. You're not the first and you won't be the last.
My husband is a CG, the money taken and gambled without permission was family money - mine and the children's - but I can't see why that makes it acceptable. Still contrary to the Theft Acts, still dishonest.
SA or not, you've crossed a boundary. And SA or not, the responsibility for your choices lies with you. It wasn't the SA that gambled with your mother's PayPal account and kept lying to her. It was you.
People in genuine recovery can and do have other issues or difficulties but they face them and chose recovery. Going forward, you could follow their example.
CW
Hi Pete
Well, bit of a pickle you're in. I have some respect for the fact you went to the police, as the easy option would have been to go to your mum's, aplogise, promise to change, and then repeat. Hopefully they won't throw the book at you - there has to be serious mitigation given the fact you reported yourself to the police and I would hope some mitigation in respect of your addiction. I don't see what purpose is being served by throwing the book at you.
That aside I also have some sympathy for you as I too have social anxiety - its effect might not be as deep on me but its nonetheless has been very self-defeating for me. Its good that you are aware that you have it, it took me 16 years of gambling before I was able to be honest with myself and see where my problems lay.
I see social anxiety as being based on a fear of being judged negatively by others/a fear of rejection. I assume that's fundamental root cause of social anxiety for all?
I used various vices to try and cover up - smoking weed for 10 years, drinking excessively, smoking, and of course gambling. Oh and of course outright avoidance of situations. You seem to be aware of yourself so know that these things just make the situation worse. Also, I'm sure you know that outright avoidance of social situations is the worst thing of all for SA. We think we have safely 'avoided a situation' when all we are doing is disconnecting from the world and justifying our (irrational) fears.
Can I ask what measures, if any, you have been taking to combat your situation? Attending a GA group look like being a very good idea. I didn't go down that route but rather wish I had. By all accounts its exremely effective and would provide a highly supportive environment where I'm sure you could ease yourself in gently.
I've been working through some self-help books based on ACT - that's all about learning to accept your fears and get distance from negative thoughts. This is in the pursuit of working towards your values (living how you want to live). I think this approach is particulary useful for people with SA and I would recommend it if you can't do GA.
I really hope things go ok on Monday.
Louis
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