I'm going to start off with a quote from the bible. I'm not religious but I have some strange belief in there being someone up there and if he is there, and looking down on me, then I hope he gives me a helping hand... as he never gave me one when I needed a last minute goal or a break of serve (joke)!
John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
I have a number of sins to confess. I've been on a massive gambling binge for the past 10 days or so. I've used money that could have been better spent on my family and to secure our future. I've wasting hours of time that could have been used constructively. I've put myself through sleepless night, days of numbness at work and my steering wheel has taken a new beating.
I don't know how it started. I can't think to the precise moment when I placed the first bet. I was probably just bored late at night and wanted a bet and it must have won as the gambling continued there and the online balance went up.
I couldn't bet on my old pal, sports betting, as I am excluded from literally every site, so I moved on to blackjack as my only other option. I spent every spare minute playing that game on my phone. On the train to work I was playing blackjack, on my lunch break playing blackjack, whilst making dinner playing blackjack, whilst watching TV playing blackjack, whilst feeding my son playing blackjack and even whilst sat on the toilet... you guessed it.. playing blackjack.
About 10 days in I had near enough a five figure sum in my online account. I was thinking about what to do with that money constantly - buying some new work shoes to replace my beat up ones, getting a new rain jacket, buying a birthing present for my wife... I was even thinking about paying off some of my mortgage.
The tale then defaults to the normal ending - I hit a losing run and couldn't deal with not having that extra large sum I once had so I kept betting big in the hope of getting back to my peak. I got down to my last bag of sand and managed to get it back to five bags of sand but I still couldn't stop and get perspective on what I was doing - I went into another room and continued to bang away at hit and stand. I lost the whole lot then made a lie to my wife to say I needed petrol... it afforded me some space and I went to buy some cigs... my crutch after losing money.
I came back home and it ruminated in my head how I had lost all that extra cash and my original deposit. I felt terrible and I was shaking in the spare room. Did I stop then? Nah. I deposited another bag of sand and said it would be different. I'd got to a five figure sum and could do it again. I'd be disciplined. Play basic strategy. Stick to a solid staking plan. I doubled that initial bag of sand and then went crazy again with large bets and lost the lot pounding away at rebet into the early hours.
Did I stop then? Nah. I had one final £500 bet. I'd win that then double it again. I get two 10s and I'm still in the race... dealer has 6....this is going to be good as he'll bust... a 10... and then a 5. My heart sank. It was 1am. I was in my garage, smoking a cig, a can of Bods in my other hand and I slumped onto a rusty chair. I was done. I went upstairs and crawled into bed stinking of smoke with my mind racing like a pinball in the machine. I pulled the covers around me so tight I was hot and sweating.
A few hours of sleep later and it's morning and I can't face the world. I had a life changing sum of money in my palm but instead the result was a maxed out overdraft and an unpaid credit card. It was like groundhog day. I couldn't fathom why I let this happen again when the outcome is always the same. I'm like that gerbil in the science experiment who just keeps getting electrocuted.
I have a coffee and then some breakfast but only at the point my stomach starts screaming - I couldn't face food. I put that fake smile on my face and acted like it's another day. The dust settled and so I think I've lost so much now I might as well keep going. I withdraw cash on my credit card go into the bookies and blow another £220 on blackjack on the fobts. I walked in wanting to back three random football matches to end with both teams scoring but I couldn't take the slip to the counter... it seemed too ridiculous when I'd never even heard of the teams... but watching an animated computer deliver me some cards seemed like a clever idea. Thankfully I walked out with the remaining £80 in my wallet and the shirt on my back. Only after the indignity of having to repeatedly feed crisp Ayrton Senna's into that device of doom whilst the cashier watched and then needing to continually ask for permission to bet over £50. I'll never forget the look on her face... a look I've seen many times as she just realised I was another helpless addict.
I looked around that shop as I walked out and focused on each lost soul. One guy in his 60s feeding the roulette machine was on the way out to cross the road to juice-up with some new fresh cash to feed his best enemy. A guy in a fluorescent construction jacket who had been watching the barrel on a slot machine constantly spin since the time I walked in some 30 mins earlier... only paused to go feed his other addiction outside... I can't judge him I'm just as bad. A short bald guy running to the desk every 2 minutes to stick another £20 on the next nag or bag... also going to and fro to the cash point to top-up. I got back on my bike... a beat up rusty corpse probably 20 years old that I bought off ebay for £10. It was 6 o'clock and I had missed my son's bathing time.
I cycled home taking a drag on my fresh cig every few motions and vowed I was done. I got back on this horse. I came on chat. I cleared my desk. I sat down and documented this.
I am a compulsive gambler. That's all I want to write for now. I just want to document what has happened and maybe tomorrow I'll be able to speak more around my feelings and what I am proposing to do. I need to do this for myself, for my loved ones and for everyone on here. The only thing that can be different is me.
Hi Buddy , It's funny but I haven't been on here at night for some time , well at least not to post but thought the other day that I hadn't heard much from you recently , then I come on tonight thinking you'd posted to a newbie ? .
I honestly feel you pain Bud , I really do , I'm not gonna preach or moan or tell you what you need to do because ultimately you know what you have to do . I just wanted to say that I've been where you are a thousand times in my life before , thinking this time it's different , this time I can control it but just like you I never ever could , until the day I decided to stop gambling for real , no more pretence or half truths , lying to myself day in , day out pretending that everything was under control .
You know youv'e got the capability to string some really high numbers together in terms of gamble free days but you can't keep on reaching a certain point and submitting , being in recovery or whatever you want to call it is for life my friend and acceptance of that fact is the only way to succeed , it's not easy, I still get the odd pang every now and then but it's not something I'm prepared to give into , a couple of hours of so called pleasure will keep me in the loop and take me right back to the start, every bloody time it happens .
Stop worrying about doing it for everyone else and just do it for yourself mate because ultimately if you stop , everyone you love and everyone who relies on you will win and so will you Buddy .
My final thought , " It's Done , let it go, take what you need from the experience and bury the rest in the ground because it serves no purpose in your life "
Talk to you soon old friend , thinking of you x
Thanks Alan - I really appreciate it. I've got to man up and be more focused. I'm massively embarrassed.
Nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about , that's life and shi'te happens , it's how you deal with it that counts and you stood up like the man I know you are and held your hands up on here , no shame my friend just Kudos to you for such an honest post .
Evening old mate. Feeling your pain right now. It sounds like you got sucked back in big style. I'll be honest o thought I posted to you a couple of weeks ago knowing the tennis was on knowing it would be a tricky time but I can't see the post so must not of saved it. Sorry about that it might of helped.
you just wanted to gamble the sports was out of the window due to blocks so anything would do. get all the doors closed I'm not going to tell you what to do you know. Just close the doors lock them shut through away the key.
Does the Mrs know? You will need her support.
Are you still going to GA I can't remember if you do or don't but I'm happy to meet you in Manchester on Saturday to take a meeting in.
The money gone now don't try and get it back you've just proved its pointless you was nearly 10k up but carried on its not giving you anything back other than misery.
You've bounced back before you can again. In about 6 months we will be having that Christmas pint and I don't want to be drinking with an active compulsive gambler.
stay close your diary it helps you. Focus on you
KTF
Change-
Mate, I'm not going to lie, that was hard for me to read. I'm really choked for you I really am. I am in no position to preach to you, I haven't been here that long, all I can say is you were a great help to me when I first started this journey. The chats we had about normal things in the chat room football etc, and to be fair since you ain't been going on chat I haven't been either. You'll get through this mate. You will! Trust me! Gambling has caused hell for me and my family and even though it's 60 days clear everyday I'm still sorting more mess out from what it's caused. I'm here if you want a chat mate. Anytime. No problem. I thought something was wrong when you hadn't been on here.
Chin up mate.
You know where I am
Gaz
Thanks for all your posts - means a lot. I'm so ashamed. I've let you all down again. I'm in bits right now. It really means a lot when people care. I'm not playing around with this... I don't want to gamble but it just grips me. I think i can get back even for all the years of losses and it just eats at me. It's such a shame as I'm thankful for my life. I'm thankful for my wife and that my son is on the mend and that I have a roof and food and a job. I'm close to ruining it all. I can't really post properly now as bit too emotional. Been a long 10 days.
You try and get your head down mate. Give me a shout out if I can help.
Don't be ashamed you're trying to beat it and it ain't easy. Im proud you came back here and you're not giving up on giving up. We just can't stop mate we just need to avoid the first bet. Then the rest will look after itself
Do you know how to make a compulsive gambler a millionaire he needs to start as a billionaire.
KTF
Talk to you soon mate , we all understand and I know its hard but try and get some rest , it wont help if your knackered .
Night Buddy .
Thanks again for your messages. All I can keep saying to myself is "what a mess". It's not necessarily the financial mess it's all the other stuff. An immediate issue is dealing with the day at work and needing to act normal. I think I just need to write out a to do list when I get in and work through that list diligently and it may make me feel more human.
I'm still not really in a place to formulate a plan for the future. An initial thought is I want to set some reward goals at 20, 50 and 100 days just to give me some added impetus to progress to those targets.
I need to fill that time between 8pm and midnight more constructively. My wife has gone to bed and I'm up to do the 11pm feed... so I'm wake and alone. In recent days I've spent that whole period gambling. Prior to that I spent that period watching random videos on the internet and dipping in and out of the forum as new posts arrived. Prior to that this period did not exist as my son was still in hospital. I want something constructive to do which will give me a focus for the evening.
Those are my only thoughts for this morning but hopefully by this evening I'll be in a position to respond more fully.
Got my to do list written out and ticked three off already. Some progress from yesterday.
Morning change hopefully the fog has lifted a little this morning
Tbh I was a bit gutted in chat last night. As you know it happened to me a few months ago. Although mine was relatively small I was still gutted and felt the same emotions that you expressed last night. This time round I'm not counting the days away and tbh it's really helped. Anyone will tell you day's are irrelevant. Because we're all one bet away from disaster. Unless you have a time machine you can't change the past. So start looking forward and be that person you know you can be.
Also get yourself on the Facebook group it really will help you like it's helped us. There's no judgement no one will tell you what to do. You can even join anonymously we don't mind
Have a good one bud
Thanks Deano - I'm not on Facebook but maybe I should join. I'd really like a whatsapp group? That would help me loads but I don't know how it could be arranged. People would be able to send short notes and you can alerted when someone has sent a message. I really need some form of sponsor or mentor to help me through this.
Update on work to do list - got 9 done and 21 left.
Hey change...don't think we've really spoke much...but thought id say hi !
Sorry to see you've been struggling...but as we all say. ..onwards and upwards...
Great bunch here looking out for each other...
And like deanoo said...Facebook group is fantastic ...even if we're all a bit mad at times lol
Take care x
Minor victory for the day. Went to the bank to deposit the cash I'd left when I walked out the bookies and realised I must only only wasted £200 as opposed to the £220 I thought I'd wasted. Made me smile momentarily at least.
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